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Experience Emotional Whirlwind Of Acceptance


HelloWorld
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Hi everyone,

 

I feel as though I may have reached the periphery of Phase 5: Acceptance for this first time.

 

I feel like my spirit is bruised. This past year has been so trying. Wanting to see what life was like outside xtianity, I made the move. Since then, I feel like I have been harbouring nasty feelings. I can't really describe them, but everything smugged together - testing the waters outside of my faith, defining my identity as an adult, trying to establish myself as distinct from my family....Yeah, my past year has been a mixture of de-conversion, the teenage rebellion I should have had 6 or 7 years ago, and my period of young adult identity and independence establishment....

 

I mentioned a recent post that I felt terrified to identify with my family. Truth is, I have been. I associated my family with all of the trappings of Catholicism and Christianity in general, and I feared the loving them or enjoying spending time with them meant I was going back. I feared that inner peace was a sure sign of my old life.

 

I broke down tonight. I am just crying and crying. I can't keep this up anymore. Why be so terrified if being with my family, enjoying time we spend, and memories we share. Just because I do doesn't mean I am falling back into xtianity. It means I have a family that, despite their sometimes backwards ways, loves me and has given me a lot. If my mom does something stupid, or says something stupid, I don't have to get all bitter or critical. I can just sit there and chuckle to myself...or just let it pass by.

 

It is driving me nuts to keep driving out all feelings of peace and happiness. I need to let it through. And if I do it, it doesn't mean I am going back. Maybe it means I am moving on. Maybe it means I am feeling comfortable in new skin.

 

Okay, so I have admitted this to myself. So I am halfway to the periphery. I am there. I just have to let it all come through inside me. Gonna take some courage....but I think it can happen.

 

 

For a time that anger is very therapeutic, it helps you cope with the loss of a major component of your life. Now however, your life is just as consumed with this car as it was when it worked, and you don't even get to drive it anymore! To truly be past it, you need to go ahead and drop it off at the dump. You don't need to rush yourself, have fun tearing the hunk-o-junk up, but wouldn't it be nice to live a life that didn't revolve around the old christ-moble anymore?

 

I need to hit the dump. I need to get over this. I need to move on and let some real happiness back into my life.

 

I am getting a my braces off iin less than 12 hours. Maybe their removal can be symbolic of being set free from the bondage that has been the past while.

 

 

I guess I am just asking you all to do your post de-conversion response to "pray for me"...if you know what I mean. It is nice to know there is support out there.

 

**As a side note, I broke the Ash Wednesday fast three times today...snuck chocolate into my bedroom :D My mom almost caught me the last time...she came into my room to give me "Mary's special blessing" and my mouth was FULL of chocolate hehe.

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**As a side note, I broke the Ash Wednesday fast three times today...snuck chocolate into my bedroom My mom almost caught me the last time...she came into my room to give me "Mary's special blessing" and my mouth was FULL of chocolate hehe.

 

Trust me HelloWorld, you are going to be fine!!! I'll send some good juju into the universe for you. It goes really well with chocolate!!!! :)

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HelloWorld, I'm glad to hear that you are getting to the acceptance stage (it took you about half as much time as it took me). The symbolism of removing braces is quite nice. You'll do just fine, I think.

 

***I ate meat three times today and had a brownie. *giggles* It was fun.

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Guest QuidEstCaritas?

I think you can and will do it.

 

My advice (grains of peanut salt may need apply):

Just accept that there will be things your folks won't accept and things they will accept. Bravely step forward and reengage them emotionally and see what happens. Also remember to be respectful of their "religion" within the context of conversation and you will go a long way of neutering any suspicious fears they have of you. You might even be able to mask things even better by responding to "I will pray for you" with "Thank you" and a smile. If you act like you are not threatened by their belief system then that will go a long way to eliciting a similar expression from them. Remove the "Us" vs. "Them" as much as you can from your mentality and show them what you are made of. If you can draw the line when they go into their "Oh she is just being insincere" mode and tell them that No you are not interested in their religion right now, then you can subtly demand respect. Also, realize that in certain ways you really are "better" than them. In certain ways you are actually more mature than they are. Would you fear a twelve year old sister who was behaving bratty and obnoxious from time to time? :)

 

You can do it, and you have my support as well as everyone else here.

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Would you fear a twelve year old sister who was behaving bratty and obnoxious from time to time? :)

 

Funny you should use that metaphor. I am finding my mom increasingly child-like in her behaviour, reasoning, problem solving, and general approach to life. It bothers me a lot, actually. I used to know that she wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, but I always thought I was so "blessed" to have her as a mother because she was so "careful" to bring me up in the true, total, Catholic faith.

 

I now see her as not at all bright, and very obviously eternally entangled in Catholicism that it is sometimes damaging to her relationships and her own life. Honestly, she doesn't have a life. I wish she had more of one. She won't read books unless they have the imprimatur and/or the nihil obstat - I don't know if I have EVER seen her read a plain old novel for fun. She doesn't watch TV. She doesn't really have a hobby - unless you want to consider faith a hobby. She just goes to church every morning at 7:00am at some retired priest's place, comes home and does random meaningless stuff, goes out to get groceries or something, comes back, piddles around, goes and picks people up, makes supper, and goes to work for 4 hours. Repeat. Now, I know that she sounds busy and all, but I hate how she says she never has time for herself. She COULD have time for herself if she only went to church half of the week and organized things differently. Yes, she needs to look after my siblings, but the only two left at home are 14 and 17, so it is not like they are kids. Plus, my boyfriend's family is identical in size and age to mine, and his mom manages everything that my mom does plus lots of time for cooking hobbies, novel readings, community event planning, etc.

 

I know that she has always done what she thinks is best for me and my family. But she doesn't realize what harm she does...to herself and to us. She prefers to keep people ignorant to keep them in the faith. She even forbids me from sharing doctrinal truths about Catholicism with my family because it might cause them to leave the faith. For example, I wasn't aloud to tell my dad that Ash Wednesday isn't a day of obligation - if I did, she said he would choose not to go...and she wouldn't be happy with that. You can't read or discuss anything (even academically) that goes against Catholic teaching...she doesn't even get the concept of devil's advocate.

 

She is just stupid! Really. I really don't want to be like her. Sometimes I think part of the reason she clings so tightly to religion is because it is the only thing she has that she feels like she can be "good at" or "know something about".

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...and I guess sometimes I feel pangs of sadness for her. I think she suffers a lot. :(

 

I am not trying to defame my mom. I guess what bothers me most out of everything is her obviously low intelligence - not her religious faithfulness.

 

My greatest fear is being seen as intellectually incapable or inferior.

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Wow. And I thought my mom is devout. In re religion, she certainly has the blinders set firmly in place, but she's also pretty well educated, made a job out of her hobby (she teaches grade-school orchestra), and is at least willing to tolerate my playing devil's advocate ('course, I don't suppose she has much choice - I got it from her husband :P).

 

At any rate, as you said, the best you can really hope for in your situation is to move on, figure out which battles are truly worth fighting, and try to establish a peace with your folks and siblings outside of that. There are certainly things my parents and I disagree on, but as heated as the debates may get sometimes, we all realize our relationships with each other are more important than whether or not some Jew died on a big piece of wood several thousand years ago.

 

Hang in there, HW. I can't promise smooth sailing for the rest of your days (nor would I want to - what fun would that be?), but you're starting to see the point in this whole ugly deconversion process where things start to get a bit easier. With any luck, you're past the worst of it - and if you aren't, you have that glimpse of something better to hold to when the next storm blows in. In either case, I'm confident things will work out for you. :)

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What an encouraging post. It's always great to see someone moving beyond the negativity that is so inevitable with deconversion, and moving toward a positive life. I have a hard time being patient with my own deconversion, and I always want to be done with the whole anger and sadness thing. I totally get what you're saying about your mom, too... it's so sad to watch your esteem for your parents slipping away as you realize how blind they are to such important things.

 

Well, congratulations on these steps! Keep moving forward, and keep us posted! You're lucky that you're working through these things at such a young age. I'm sure many of us who based our adult lives on xtianity only to deconvert would say the same. I hope things continue to improve for you!

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HelloWorld, I'm glad to hear that you are getting to the acceptance stage (it took you about half as much time as it took me). The symbolism of removing braces is quite nice. You'll do just fine, I think.

 

***I ate meat three times today and had a brownie. *giggles* It was fun.

 

You know, I have been away from Catholicism and Christianity for so long now that I had completely forgotten it even was Ash Wednesday. When Mardi Gras is discussed, I don't even make the association any more. I had some chicken earlier, and dinner is in the microwave right now-----Salisbury steak! :woohoo:

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HW, you've come to a great place to unload all this stuff! Just relax, accept yourself and where you are in your journey. And at some point, try to accept your mom where she is. There is a time in leaving that eveything feels kind of topsy turvy/upside down as you start seeing the world with new eyes. Be easy on yourself, it takes time. Hang in there! JoD

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One of the things that fueled my anger during my "anger phase" was that my parents are quite intelligent. Yet I began to look behind the curtain when I was in 6th grade, that is what age, 13? It wasn't until then, when my folks were in their early 40's, that I think they even considered that there may be a curtain to look behind.

 

I'm not sure why that angered (sometimes it still does) me so much, but I think it has to do with the fact that I was the one who had to suffer through a church school that my parents should have known was an abusive, controlling, money thievery. How could a child see something so obvious that his parents could not? When I tried to show them my discoveries, I felt the walls come up and the brains shut down.

 

Wow, I think I just discovered something about my own de-conversion!

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