Marriage

[Guest danny64]

so im sure this has been discussed before. i have read and participated in a few. but i just wanted to ask and read some responses. becasue im still there. trying to decide what to do about my marriage. any of you married to a christian? maybe you were married to a christian and divorced partially as a result of your deconversion. i deconverted about 3 years ago. spouse is still a christian. it is a problem. we have three middle school aged children, all four of our parents are christians...its a big ole mess. i guess misery loves company, i just wonder what others have done or (if you are like me) not done to get by. my good friend that i met on here suggested drinking more. lol. doing that. but seriously. what works? what doesnt? i feel like im staying and working on the relationship for nobel reasons, but maybe im just a bit of a coward. anyone hear me out there? (echo...echo...)

[Guest danny64]

so im sure this has been discussed before. i have read and participated in a few. but i just wanted to ask and read some responses. becasue im still there. trying to decide what to do about my marriage. any of you married to a christian? maybe you were married to a christian and divorced partially as a result of your deconversion. i deconverted about 3 years ago. spouse is still a christian. it is a problem. we have three middle school aged children, all four of our parents are christians...its a big ole mess. i guess misery loves company, i just wonder what others have done or (if you are like me) not done to get by. my good friend that i met on here suggested drinking more. lol. doing that. but seriously. what works? what doesnt? i feel like im staying and working on the relationship for nobel reasons, but maybe im just a bit of a coward. anyone hear me out there? (echo...echo...)

i think i meant noble reasons... no prizes or dynomite.

[Ouroboros]

I can't give you any good advice, since luckily my wife is not much of a believer anymore either. She got some kind of "god belief" but nothing that goes into practice of prayer, church going, and all that stuff. So I guess, if your spouse is very easy going, you shouldn't have any major issues.

[joD]

so im sure this has been discussed before. i have read and participated in a few. but i just wanted to ask and read some responses. becasue im still there. trying to decide what to do about my marriage. any of you married to a christian? maybe you were married to a christian and divorced partially as a result of your deconversion. i deconverted about 3 years ago. spouse is still a christian. it is a problem. we have three middle school aged children, all four of our parents are christians...its a big ole mess. i guess misery loves company, i just wonder what others have done or (if you are like me) not done to get by. my good friend that i met on here suggested drinking more. lol. doing that. but seriously. what works? what doesnt? i feel like im staying and working on the relationship for nobel reasons, but maybe im just a bit of a coward. anyone hear me out there? (echo...echo...)

i think i meant noble reasons... no prizes or dynomite.

 

Danny, Tough situation, for sure! I am the one deconverted in our home. My hubby is still in the faith, and our kids are all over the place. The grown ones are committed xtians, but of the three at home, they are more undecided, (highschool age and an 8 year old). Does your wife know of your deconversion? I was quiet for awhile. But it is becomin more of an issue. We just recently started seeing a marriage therapist (secular, at my request). I take it religion isn't the only issue for you, either? It just seems to bring alot to the surface. Our families are pretty religious (except for my dad) so I understand the pressure from all sides. How has your family dealt with your "losing" faith?

[Guest danny64]

I can't give you any good advice, since luckily my wife is not much of a believer anymore either. She got some kind of "god belief" but nothing that goes into practice of prayer, church going, and all that stuff. So I guess, if your spouse is very easy going, you shouldn't have any major issues.

she is easy going. but i know that it preys on her conscience that the kids are not lead to jesus by their father. thanks for your response.

[Guest danny64]

Danny, Tough situation, for sure! I am the one deconverted in our home. My hubby is still in the faith, and our kids are all over the place. The grown ones are committed xtians, but of the three at home, they are more undecided, (highschool age and an 8 year old). Does your wife know of your deconversion? I was quiet for awhile. But it is becomin more of an issue. We just recently started seeing a marriage therapist (secular, at my request). I take it religion isn't the only issue for you, either? It just seems to bring alot to the surface. Our families are pretty religious (except for my dad) so I understand the pressure from all sides. How has your family dealt with your "losing" faith?

 

thank you for your thoughts. my family and i have not discussed it. my dad is a fundy preacher. oddly enough though, he is a real thinker and probably his influence lead me to be a reader and to where i am today. he's a liberal democrat and a fundy preacher. funny, eh? i just have not decided to talk to he and mom about it. im not sure if i should...i dont know what good would come of it. and im chicken shit i guess. my wife knows. i used to share my readings and such with her...but it was not good. she is a classic fundy wife...she wants me to "be the man of the house". its really ironic in a way. her life would be perfect i guess if she were married to a dominant, chavanist fundy fellow. yes, there are other problems.

[Guest daver]

Hey Danny, funny, I just posted a similar situation today and got some good responses. Check out this topic! BTW, I think you're noble reasons are good reasons. Regardless of religion its still worth the effort to stay together and keep a stable home for the kids sake, if you can manage it.

[Guest danny64]

Hey Danny, funny, I just posted a similar situation today and got some good responses. Check out this topic! BTW, I think you're noble reasons are good reasons. Regardless of religion its still worth the effort to stay together and keep a stable home for the kids sake, if you can manage it.

thanks, ill check it out.

[ClaraOlive]

I was married to a Christian and my deconversion was one of the things that contributed to our divorce.

 

I wouldn't recommend that anyone get divorced without trying to reach a compromise, but honestly, I am so, so, so glad that I am no longer married to a Christian. We didn't have children.

 

When we got engaged, my ex-husband and I were similar in lifestyle. My family was evangelical and his was fundamentalist, but we both lived a primarily secular lifestyle with occasional visits to church. I wasn't a "true believer", but I was fine with maintaining a social Christianity. During our engagement, we were separated for several months while he was doing an internship and he got very involved in a Christian group. The group was fairly liberal and not rule oriented, but when he came back, he mixed his new found religious fervor with his parents' fundamentalism.

 

I thought we'd be able to come to a compromise. Honestly, I thought that he'd end up "backsliding" and we'd end up in an acceptable place again. It was stupid of me not to postpone the wedding until it was worked out. It just ended up that I was fighting against his whole family and his whole upbringing, and the more it seemed that he might lose me spiritually, the more he clung to those things and used my lack of religious interest to vilify me.

 

As he got more involved in Christianity, he also went back to the idea that he had the right as a man to tell me what to do. (This is something that was strongly modeled with his own parents). I've noticed that when married men deconvert, their wives often still hope to do the Christian thing by being submissive. Since the wives already saw themselves in a subservient position, they're sometimes more willing to stay together and pretend the deconversion never happened. Obviously it's very different being a married woman that deconverts. My husband was insistent that he was "the head of the household" who had ultimate control over all our decisions. He started pressuring me to have a child right away (I am so glad that I didn't give in to that). We went from being every other Sunday church goers to being part of a weekly Bible study and only making Christian friends. He tried to get me involved in a "Christian women's group" that was very child-centric. He made it clear that my career would take backseat to his, and that he was only going to help me if I was doing things that let him remain the clear-cut breadwinner. Some of these things I gave into, in an attempt to save the marriage. I thought about killing myself, because being dead seemed better to me than living the rest of my life as a Christian housewife.

 

The more that he tried to impose his will on me, the more I realized that I didn't have true belief and was making a huge mistake by trying to live my life like a compromise to please other people. As his attempts to control me escalated (along with other problems), I decided to get a divorce.

 

What was worse than the divorce itself was that almost all the Christian people in my life except my parents turned their backs on me. The members of the weekly Bible study I'd been part of for 2 years never said another word to me. A guy I'd considered one of my best friends since high school told me that if I didn't submit to my husband, I'd be in danger of hell. Even though my parents were supportive of my decision, they were still trying to pressure me to return to Christianity. I had no one to support me.

 

The most telling thing was that in the end, it became apparent that the reason my husband didn't want a divorce was because he didn't want to lose face with the church and with his family, and because he felt religious guilt. He asked me to reconsider not because he loved me and wanted to build a better relationship, but because we needed to model the relationship of Christ and the church in our lives.

 

The whole thing still confuses me sometimes, but all the aftermath was ultimately worth being a free person.

[joD]

CO,

My heart goes out to you! You have been through alot, but what a strong woman you are! I am so glad you were able to detach and do what was right for you instead of going along. It is hard to make those choices, even when it is obvious. Thankfully, you didn't have children with him, that makes it much harder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was married to a Christian and my deconversion was one of the things that contributed to our divorce.

 

I wouldn't recommend that anyone get divorced without trying to reach a compromise, but honestly, I am so, so, so glad that I am no longer married to a Christian. We didn't have children.

 

When we got engaged, my ex-husband and I were similar in lifestyle. My family was evangelical and his was fundamentalist, but we both lived a primarily secular lifestyle with occasional visits to church. I wasn't a "true believer", but I was fine with maintaining a social Christianity. During our engagement, we were separated for several months while he was doing an internship and he got very involved in a Christian group. The group was fairly liberal and not rule oriented, but when he came back, he mixed his new found religious fervor with his parents' fundamentalism.

 

I thought we'd be able to come to a compromise. Honestly, I thought that he'd end up "backsliding" and we'd end up in an acceptable place again. It was stupid of me not to postpone the wedding until it was worked out. It just ended up that I was fighting against his whole family and his whole upbringing, and the more it seemed that he might lose me spiritually, the more he clung to those things and used my lack of religious interest to vilify me.

 

As he got more involved in Christianity, he also went back to the idea that he had the right as a man to tell me what to do. (This is something that was strongly modeled with his own parents). I've noticed that when married men deconvert, their wives often still hope to do the Christian thing by being submissive. Since the wives already saw themselves in a subservient position, they're sometimes more willing to stay together and pretend the deconversion never happened. Obviously it's very different being a married woman that deconverts. My husband was insistent that he was "the head of the household" who had ultimate control over all our decisions. He started pressuring me to have a child right away (I am so glad that I didn't give in to that). We went from being every other Sunday church goers to being part of a weekly Bible study and only making Christian friends. He tried to get me involved in a "Christian women's group" that was very child-centric. He made it clear that my career would take backseat to his, and that he was only going to help me if I was doing things that let him remain the clear-cut breadwinner. Some of these things I gave into, in an attempt to save the marriage. I thought about killing myself, because being dead seemed better to me than living the rest of my life as a Christian housewife.

 

The more that he tried to impose his will on me, the more I realized that I didn't have true belief and was making a huge mistake by trying to live my life like a compromise to please other people. As his attempts to control me escalated (along with other problems), I decided to get a divorce.

 

What was worse than the divorce itself was that almost all the Christian people in my life except my parents turned their backs on me. The members of the weekly Bible study I'd been part of for 2 years never said another word to me. A guy I'd considered one of my best friends since high school told me that if I didn't submit to my husband, I'd be in danger of hell. Even though my parents were supportive of my decision, they were still trying to pressure me to return to Christianity. I had no one to support me.

 

The most telling thing was that in the end, it became apparent that the reason my husband didn't want a divorce was because he didn't want to lose face with the church and with his family, and because he felt religious guilt. He asked me to reconsider not because he loved me and wanted to build a better relationship, but because we needed to model the relationship of Christ and the church in our lives.

 

The whole thing still confuses me sometimes, but all the aftermath was ultimately worth being a free person.

[Guest danny64]

I was married to a Christian and my deconversion was one of the things that contributed to our divorce.

 

The most telling thing was that in the end, it became apparent that the reason my husband didn't want a divorce was because he didn't want to lose face with the church and with his family, and because he felt religious guilt. He asked me to reconsider not because he loved me and wanted to build a better relationship, but because we needed to model the relationship of Christ and the church in our lives.

 

The whole thing still confuses me sometimes, but all the aftermath was ultimately worth being a free person.

 

wow. i never thought so vividly about the difference between a woman deconverting from a fundy and a man deconverting. makes sense though. in my situation, it is really ironic becasue on the one hand, my wife is one of those fundy gals raised to be submissive

[ClaraOlive]

wow. i never thought so vividly about the difference between a woman deconverting from a fundy and a man deconverting. makes sense though. in my situation, it is really ironic becasue on the one hand, my wife is one of those fundy gals raised to be submissive

 

I didn't think about it much until I was going through the divorce, but what the Bible is clearly saying is that as a woman, you're supposed to treat your husband LIKE HE IS YOUR GOD.

 

It makes me understand how some Christians totally condemn a woman choosing to get divorced. Because no matter what my husband said or did, it was his job to be right with god and my job to obey him completely, and just because he wasn't doing his job didn't mean that I could stop doing my job.

 

At one point near the end of the marriage, I thought that I could bargain with god to become a different person, a "good" Christian wife. And when I thought of going down that path, it was literally like looking at a life sentence, where my only hope for parole would be for my husband to die. I am not proud that I wished for that, but the only thing I could think to hope for was that maybe even if I were 60 or 70 or 80, I could start to have my own life when everyone in my old life was gone.

 

1 Corinthians 11:3 *

 

3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman [is] the man; and the head of Christ [is] God.

 

Ephesians 5:22 - 25*

 

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

[joD]

Those are the exact verses that "kept me in my place" for so many years. For the longest time, I felt like if I couldn't stay in the marriage for my husband, I could at least do it for God. Especially in light of Ephesians 6. Now that I have deconverted, I am forced to use my own brain and actually "think" about the whole situation. Staying still seems like the "right" thing since I still have kids at home, but I know that can be a cop out, too.

[rocksandstuff]

I posted too in the thread daver linked to. I'm about a year into things. I am working on finding a middle ground, somewhere both of us can practice what we believe without condemnation. I don't see it as my right to try to take my wife's faith from her, but she does and has had to move to a place where she can accept me and my ideas without just thinking I am going to hell and dragging the kids along with me. And to respect my ability to think and not write off un-biblical ideas as "lies from Satan" (or biblical ideas that would seem unbiblical to a fundamentalist). I am not finding faith in more progressive christianity, but am finding it is a place where I encounter some great people and can be myself. So maybe it's a good middle ground, maybe a stepping stone, I don't know. It hasn't been easy encouraging my wife in that direction, but it has definitely been worth it. That said, that's just my marriage, it has been worth it to keep together for me, and it has worked so far. Good luck, know you are not alone in this stuff. I really feel for you.