CynthiaBelle Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 Thanks for your post AKR. It was very insightful and did reflect a lot of my feelings about things. Very accurate assessment of religion's abuse on the mind too... Sorry if you were deceived, the picture on my posts is Angelina Jolie, but the purple picture if you click on my name is me. haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woodsmoke Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Bah, Angelina Jolie doesn't hold a candle to any of the women here at Dave's. I'll take my ExC wimminz over collagen lips and airbrush tan any day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Bah, Angelina Jolie doesn't hold a candle to any of the women here at Dave's. I'll take my ExC wimminz over collagen lips and airbrush tan any day. I still don't think Angie uses collagen, she was that way back in Hackers (and so sultry ga ga...) And all the women that get injections in their lips are totally going in the wrong direction. I've seen some that end up with innertube-looking lips like a lamprey. Angie's lips aren't "bee stung" they are naturally pivoted outwards. Thin-lipped women have theirs parallel to one another. It is < versus = Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Okay. I have to speak up and it's not going to be a popular thing I imagine. This comes up every now and then and this happens to be one of the "then's." My wife started talking online to a bunch of folks a number of years back that put a little bee in her bonnet that I was some abusive SOB. 12 years of marriage and I never did shit but suddenly I'm all fucked up. Why? Because these people came from relationships that had been all fucked up. I was getting all these strange accusations thrown at me and I was so confused I could barely tell which end was up most of the time. I had done, or was going to do, this or that. My life became surreal. Why? Because she's parroting the life and times the harried xian bitches. This is part of the reason I washed up here. I was about to beat and kill her or some such shit. Except I wasn't. I was pissed as hell and could barely contain my anger because of all this shit that was suddenly being unloaded on me for no freaking reason but I wasn't about to become Mr. Wife Beater (I was about to rip the damn house apart with my bare hands or get on a plane and hunt down the source of this mess I was so freaking pissed...but instead I suggested couples counseling...the sign of a true klller). But she had been convinced by a bunch of folks that had never said word one to me about anything. Fuck that. I get seriously pissed when people toss this shit around like it means nothing. It fucked my life pretty good. It means a lot. It should take a lot of consideration before you say to someone "Go to a shelter" or "He's an abuser" unless it's really fucking obvious. Seriously. This relationship is not working. She knows it. She should go. This is all given. But he doesn't trust her? Why not she's hiding her activities. Which came first? The lack of trust or the lying/hiding? I don't know it's the chicken or egg causing the problem at this point. But if she feels she has to lie and can't work it out then she should probably go. This solves the trust issue. If he had a trust issue and this caused the lies and it can't be worked out then she should probably go. This solves the lies. See? Why start immediately into the "abuse" and "shelter" shit? That will simply start the whole "He was acting rather abusive" cycle. Why kick start something that may not be? Why not just say "He's cheating on you. I know this for a fact. Do you want to stay with a cheater?" There. Problem solved. He's now a cheater. Damn dirty dog. Get away from that before you get AIDS and die. I would imagine I'm probably more correct than the "abuser" scenario anyhow. Most cheaters accuse their partners of cheating (they see the world this way...they're cheating/lying/etc. so why not you?). I'm going to assume that you've not cheated on him with some one in the fashion he's fearing in order to say his behavior is entirely unjustified (because if you have done this then the pattern is repeating and you should just really end the pattern or the relationship). Oh well, that's my bit of a rant. Go back to your business. mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Abby84 Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I just wanted to add to chorus of "Get Away From That Guy"! I have a friend who is in a similar situation, like you, he doesn't let her go out or talk to guys. I do think that christianity sets us up to have problems in relationships with men. The message that we are supposed to be the submissive helpmate gets pounded into our heads for so long it's hard to break out of it. I know I have my own issues regarding men, and I know it's a direct result from my upbringing. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CynthiaBelle Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 Well after several arguments we've both unhappily come to the compromise that I can go on forums as long as I have an androgynous name and picture. So fair well to this account... And no he isn't dangerous or abusive...he's just really distrusting of other men and apparently can't handle even the idea of competition. It's lame, but I can deal... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted March 12, 2009 Super Moderator Share Posted March 12, 2009 Sorry. That's no compromise. You're being told what to do. Hope it works out for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
white_raven23 Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Well after several arguments we've both unhappily come to the compromise that I can go on forums as long as I have an androgynous name and picture. I'm with Florduh...how is it a "compromise" when all YOUR behavior has to be adjusted? What adjustment did HE agree to? So fair well to this account... And no he isn't dangerous or abusive...he's just really distrusting of other men and apparently can't handle even the idea of competition. Why do you want to be with an insecure person? And that is a cop out, saying he's distrusting of other men. I don't buy it. When I hear a guy say that...I want to call them a liar to their face. The distrust he is projecting on "other men" is really a distrust of YOU. Because these "other men" can be as flirty and ga-ga over you as could ever be imagined....they cannot be anything more than amusing public entertainment if YOU don't return the interest. And that is the thing...your BF SAYS he's worried about "other guys"...BS. He's worried about YOU RESPONDING AND RECIPROCATING to "other guys". He thinks you have flaky integrity, hollow loyalty, and "easy" emotions...but he's not going to come out and tell YOU that (gee, it might piss you off)...he's going to blame it on unspecified "other guys". It's lame, but I can deal... Do you really want THAT as the headlining description of a relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woodsmoke Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Okay. I have to speak up and it's not going to be a popular thing I imagine. This comes up every now and then and this happens to be one of the "then's." My wife started talking online to a bunch of folks a number of years back that put a little bee in her bonnet that I was some abusive SOB. 12 years of marriage and I never did shit but suddenly I'm all fucked up. Why? Because these people came from relationships that had been all fucked up. I was getting all these strange accusations thrown at me and I was so confused I could barely tell which end was up most of the time. I had done, or was going to do, this or that. My life became surreal. Why? Because she's parroting the life and times the harried xian bitches. This is part of the reason I washed up here. I was about to beat and kill her or some such shit. Except I wasn't. I was pissed as hell and could barely contain my anger because of all this shit that was suddenly being unloaded on me for no freaking reason but I wasn't about to become Mr. Wife Beater (I was about to rip the damn house apart with my bare hands or get on a plane and hunt down the source of this mess I was so freaking pissed...but instead I suggested couples counseling...the sign of a true klller). But she had been convinced by a bunch of folks that had never said word one to me about anything. Fuck that. I get seriously pissed when people toss this shit around like it means nothing. It fucked my life pretty good. It means a lot. It should take a lot of consideration before you say to someone "Go to a shelter" or "He's an abuser" unless it's really fucking obvious. Seriously. This relationship is not working. She knows it. She should go. This is all given. But he doesn't trust her? Why not she's hiding her activities. Which came first? The lack of trust or the lying/hiding? I don't know it's the chicken or egg causing the problem at this point. But if she feels she has to lie and can't work it out then she should probably go. This solves the trust issue. If he had a trust issue and this caused the lies and it can't be worked out then she should probably go. This solves the lies. See? Why start immediately into the "abuse" and "shelter" shit? That will simply start the whole "He was acting rather abusive" cycle. Why kick start something that may not be? Why not just say "He's cheating on you. I know this for a fact. Do you want to stay with a cheater?" There. Problem solved. He's now a cheater. Damn dirty dog. Get away from that before you get AIDS and die. I would imagine I'm probably more correct than the "abuser" scenario anyhow. Most cheaters accuse their partners of cheating (they see the world this way...they're cheating/lying/etc. so why not you?). I'm going to assume that you've not cheated on him with some one in the fashion he's fearing in order to say his behavior is entirely unjustified (because if you have done this then the pattern is repeating and you should just really end the pattern or the relationship). Oh well, that's my bit of a rant. Go back to your business. mwc I think this bears repeating. I used to listen to a tabletop gaming (i.e. RPG) podcast called Fear the Boot. A month or two ago, a couple of the hosts had a falling out over something that had happened in a game one of them was running, with the end result of the GM and another host leaving FtB and starting the Podge cast. To hear FtB Guy tell it, the guy who had been running the game was a tyrant GM, gluing the game to the rails and authoritatively smacking down his (FtB Guy's) attempt to exercise some player agency. In short, he made the guy who left for the Podge cast seem pretty awful. I subsequently found and listened to the GM's account, and he painted a drastically different picture of the whole thing. He explained he was running an old west sandbox game set in the Denver, CO area. Every idea he had for the game, every plot hook, every story, every significant event - everything about the game was set in the Denver, CO area. At some point, FtB Guy's character had learned something in game which made him privy to this information, which he was supposed to pass on to the rest of the party to keep the game moving. Instead, FtB Guy decided to convince everyone else in the party to go to San Francisco, despite knowing full well the GM had nothing prepared for that and that it would completely invalidated all the work he'd put into building the Denver, CO sandbox for them. So FtB guy did his best sales pitch to the other players and actually had everyone convinced to go to SF, until the GM, desperate for some way to salvage the game, looked at FtB Guy's character sheet and realized he had absolutely no social skills. FtB guy is a big believer in role playing superseding mechanics, and knowing he's a pretty persuasive individual, had simply not bothered with them. So GM, seeing his out, told FtB guy to roll a persuasion check. Of course, his character having no social skills, he totally failed it, and the GM informed the other players something just seemed wrong about FtB Guy's argument, and they decided against going with him. Now, by this point, FtB had released several hundred episodes, in the course of which I'd gotten to know the personalities of the hosts fairly well. As I said, FtB Guy is a big believer in role playing superseding mechanics, and usually makes a point of how much he disdains rules in RPGs. So, knowing this, as I listened to the GM's account of the whole debacle I found myself thinking "Yeah, that sounds a lot more like what probably happened." I'm sure there was still a little bit of personal embellishment on the part of the GM to make himself look better, but his version of the story was a lot more believable than FtB Guy's regardless. I'm seeing a parallel to that anecdote here. Meaning no offense to Cynthia or those of you trying to help her, the simple fact of the matter is we only have one half of the story, and were her boyfriend to register and present his side of things there's every possibility we'd decide the situation isn't nearly so cut-and-dried as it seems. In either case, I still think the relationship seems unhealthy and it'd probably be better for both of you to break it off. I'm just reserving judgment until/unless I have a way to know more. I've been burned by not doing so enough times in the past to know that's usually the best course of action. 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Guest danny64 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 One of the things that drove me crazy when I was a Christian was the blatant hatred of women in the bible. I couldn't help but wonder if the writers of this book ever intended for me to even be able to read this book. The obvious answer was no. I never accepted the idea of the pinnacle of my life being getting married and being a subservient wife. I saw my dad treat my mom like crap and she just took it. Obviously men and women aren't the same, but I do belief men and women are of equal worth...and then on a personal basis. So when I finally became an Atheist I was a bit disillusioned by the fact I actually submitted so long to this religion that gave me no rights and made me the property of men. If you haven't read this article yet, I would definitely recommend it. http://suicidegirls.com/news/culture/23567/ i cant read the link, its blocked at my work. but i agree with your above analysis. "blatent hatred of women" there are so many tangents of this topic. the damage that christian chavanism does to marriages and little boys and girls growing up...it rips my heart out to think about it. i am from a fundy background and since my deconversion i have been struggling with how to deal with the church's attitude towards women. understand that my spouse and i grew up in the church of christ (fundy to the core) and both our fathers are preachers. my first move was i quit going to that church. i told her that i would not go and show silent support for their chavanism. she was like, "what chavanism? the church does not say bad things about women" my analogy that i used with was..."if a church was 50% african american, 50% white and only the whites were allowed to lead singing, lead prayer, preacher, etc...and this went on for years and years...would that send a message?" you get the idea. anyway, she really wanted me to go to church with her and the kids so we are now attending a very liberal methodist church in a college town. my two girls and my son get to see men and women go up in front and talk to the congregation. of all the damage that xianinty does, it is my opinion that none is worse than the chavanism still practiced by the fundamentalist churches. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PitterPatter Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Hello for my new super-anonymous account. haha. Anyway, it wasn't my intent to demonize my boyfriend. He's a good man. Arguments with him do tend to be fairly one-sided though...I see this with everyone in his family actually. They're stubborn people and have basically accused me of being too stupid to understand their side if I simply disagree. His stand is very clear, and I don't think any spin can be put on it. He doesn't want me communicating with other men in person or on the internet. I told him that it's clear from this that he thinks I can't handle talking to guys and he doesn't trust me...after a while he admitted, "Maybe I don't." Pretty screwed up...I mean I recently left Christianity and an abusive husband, which has me really questioning my decision-making abilities and if I can trust myself at all. I've put myself on the outs with everyone I knew, and the one person who's got a big presence in my life also doesn't trust me. Hmph... I think I'm a pretty honest person, but I'm also not submissive, which is why I went behind his back and went on the forums. I asked him if he felt like I'd cheated on him doing that and he said he felt betrayed. I would never force unfair rules upon him... He says they aren't rules by the way, they are just suggestions...suggestions that if I don't follow I will get yelled at and threatened with being kicked out. haha, I'm so annoyed. I'm starting a new job next week though and hopefully I can save up enough to move out. I don't really think he needs me around anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 [snip] I'm so glad you posted this. It shows you're smart. It shows you know exactly what the situation is. And it shows that you know exactly how to solve it. I'm sorry for posting my "rant" in your thread but sometimes the wrong words at the wrong times can lead to unfortunate situations and I guess I'm still triggered by this stuff (maybe I should have put it in the "insta-pissed" thread once I realized I was insta-pissed?). I am also sorry that you are basically coming off a bad marriage and apparently a bad re-bound. Maybe you need to just be "you," alone, for awhile? Have some fun without some serious relationship to worry about. Ain't nothin' wrong with that. mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PitterPatter Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 It's alright...I know sometimes a little thing can become a slippery slope. And what happened with you sounds extreme...I'd be really pissed if I was being accused of doing awful things based on something small that was taken the wrong way. And I do definitely need to just be single for probably a long time. I think I've spent too much of my life under a man's foot and being told what I am by others. It is time for me to just have a healthy relationship with myself. It's unfortunate I don't have the ability to just move out today...and that I will miss him anyway. And he just doesn't get it. He asked me if I really think "talking to other guys in a forum" is worth more than my relationship with him. I tried to explain that my freedom and happiness is worth more but he's so stuck on the talking to other guys thing. I'm starting to think he's nuts. haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 It's alright...I know sometimes a little thing can become a slippery slope. And what happened with you sounds extreme...I'd be really pissed if I was being accused of doing awful things based on something small that was taken the wrong way. It's a long story that I hope to never tell you. mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKR Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks for your post AKR. It was very insightful and did reflect a lot of my feelings about things. Very accurate assessment of religion's abuse on the mind too... Sorry if you were deceived, the picture on my posts is Angelina Jolie, but the purple picture if you click on my name is me. haha. Nah, I wasn't deceived. I was just saying it tongue in cheek. I can tell that's a shot of her from tomb raider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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