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How Do I Quit Doing This?


willybilly30
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I just been thinking about how I always put people's feelings above my own.

 

I have gave up books, clothes, groups, etc. cause someone didn't like it.

 

Here recently, I gave up my whole life groups I was in, friends, Witchcraft, and even going outside cause my bitch now ex girlfriend didn't like it.

 

Along time ago I threw away a bandana with a peace sign cause me and my mom was in a resturant and some old lady asked of i was in a gang like the trench coat mafia. My mom would call me ever day saying get rid of it.

 

She also talked me into throwing away over a thousand dollars worth of witchcraft stuff cause i was kicked out for having an altar.

 

I'm 33 been moved out 15 years I should be doing what ever I want too.

 

It's not just her I think I must please.

 

I don't clean house as much cause my freinds say a man shouldn't have a clean house or they are gay

 

I get talked into church sometimes cause they bug me into it.

 

You know I gave up following a damn book with some dead people but I seem to be following a bunch of live people.

 

I feel so bad when I give up stuff or give in to people.

 

But then I feel bad when I don't like it's some crime to piss someone off or possibly loose a friend.

 

I just want to be able to say this is me, accept me or leave me alone and have no sadness what so ever if they do.

 

Is there a way to change my way of thinking to this?

 

I been trying to say an affirmation I made up "I don't care what people think or say about me" but it don't seem to be programming me.

 

Maybe it just takes awhile I don't know.

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*Hugs* Billy

 

I think you need to realize that you are a worthwhile person, and that it is all right to say no to people. If they reject you for saying no, then they aren't really your friends.

 

Practice saying no to small things. The bigger things will eventually come.

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I've been there, dude. It is a struggle. I actually went to therapy for a couple of years because I wanted to be happy in my own skin. I spent years getting run over and people pleasing.

 

One thing that helps me is to look at the big picture. Take a step back and say, "How important is this issue in the grand scheme of things?" It's kinda like high school. Remember how important everything seemed at the time? When in reality, it was silly stuff. I try to apply that to my life now. I try to fast forward and say, "Someday I will look back at this and realize that it was not a life or death decision."

 

Hang in there.

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It's not worth dealing with people who don't accept you as you are. Even family.

 

No matter what you do or don't do, someone will be disappointed or unhappy with you. Make sure that someone isn't you.

 

For each demand placed upon you, such as bugging you to go to church, to stop reading certain subjects, etc., write down a list of pros and cons. What would you gain, and what would you lose by complying with someone else's wish? On the "pro" side you will usually find that it keeps someone else happy, or gets them off your back. On the "con" side, top of the list will be that you must compromise who you are and pretend to be something you're not.

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I grew up in that setting: mom always worried what the neighbors would think, what friends would think, what the church would think......I'm sure that attitude is at least partly to blame for her dementia today.

As Rick Nelson sang "you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself." "Ah, fuck'em" is a big part of my daily self-monologue.

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Practice saying no to small things. The bigger things will eventually come.

I think this is very good advice.

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Bit of old folk wisdom from my mom's dad:

 

"Most folks would worry a lot less about what others think of them if only they realized how little they do."

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I never stopped caring about what other people thought about me; I think that is part of our human nature. Having said that, I can assure you that I am much happier now in my 40’s than I was in my teens or 20s. I think the primary reason for that is because now I am comfortable with other people knowing the truth about me rather than an elaborate lie based on some façade I created for them.

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I never stopped caring about what other people thought about me; I think that is part of our human nature. Having said that, I can assure you that I am much happier now in my 40’s than I was in my teens or 20s. I think the primary reason for that is because now I am comfortable with other people knowing the truth about me rather than an elaborate lie based on some façade I created for them.

 

This sounds exactly like my story, too.

 

Discovering that I'm quite happy with who I am was one of the most important discoveries of my life. It did not happen overnight but it did happen and that is what matters. I started with a book title that said, "The art of learning to love yourself."

 

I didn't know I had that right because the Bible said to deny yourself. That book opened up a new way of seeing my Self, other people, and life itself. I loaned and bought all the books I could lay hands on for the next several years simply to get a handle on who I am.

 

The next thing I had to learn was about setting boundaries--that I had the right to say no, that I had a right to feel hurt when people did or said certain things to me. I'm still learning what some of these things are. They are culturally specific, and relative to the situation, but also depend on personal preference.

 

I think when we feel comfortable inside our own skin, so to speak, and also feel confident of our rights as human beings and members of society, we will find strength to stand up to bullies and look them in the eye. Many a time they will grudgingly back down at that point. They may say something mean in the process that can send even the most confident person on a guilt trip. But that's just the way bullies are. When we figure out that we really didn't do anything wrong, we can let the feeling pass and eventually enjoy the peace of a clear conscience--something to which the bully is a stranger.

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I never stopped caring about what other people thought about me; I think that is part of our human nature. Having said that, I can assure you that I am much happier now in my 40’s than I was in my teens or 20s. I think the primary reason for that is because now I am comfortable with other people knowing the truth about me rather than an elaborate lie based on some façade I created for them.

 

This sounds exactly like my story, too.

 

Discovering that I'm quite happy with who I am was one of the most important discoveries of my life. It did not happen overnight but it did happen and that is what matters. I started with a book title that said, "The art of learning to love yourself."

 

 

Thank you R.S. Martin,

 

It does take time and I guess that is why the phrase “Youth is wasted on the young” feels so true as you get older.

 

I spent my teens trying to hide that I was gay so that people I did not even like would think better of me. I spent my 20’s trying to do and be what I thought other gay people expected of me. Then it all came crashing down when I discovered cocaine and I stopped even caring about what I thought about myself.

 

In recovery I learned to love who I am and the one of the side benefits of that was that I learned that while I still cared about what others thought about me, what I wanted them to know was the truth rather than I lie. That did not mean that I wanted them all to like me. Why should I? Most people I know certainly don’t make any effort to remake themselves for my benefit, nor would I want them to.

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In recovery I learned to love who I am and the one of the side benefits of that was that I learned that while I still cared about what others thought about me, what I wanted them to know was the truth rather than I lie. That did not mean that I wanted them all to like me. Why should I? Most people I know certainly don’t make any effort to remake themselves for my benefit, nor would I want them to.

Well of course nobody likes you. You're a gay man who doesn't spend any invest any time or effort into corrupting America's Youth. Who's side are you on, anyway?

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Bit of old folk wisdom from my mom's dad:

 

"Most folks would worry a lot less about what others think of them if only they realized how little they do."

 

There was an X-Files episode a few years ago. This kid was a chess genius and he won because he was a telepath.

 

Anyway, the one thing I remembered about the episode was that he thought it was amusing how most people worried about how everyone else thought of them, when really they were all thinking the same thing.

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I dunno. I too grew up in one of those households where there was this intense focus on Being Perfect™, and the attendant obsession with What Other People Think™, and years of being programmed that molding oneself to fit others' expectations was the proper thing to do... old habits die hard. I still find myself getting caught up in that sometimes.

 

I don't think that it's necessarily bad to wonder what certain others think of you. But it depends on who those others are. I value the opinion of friends and colleagues, for instance, which I think is just part of having relationships with people. If I'm working with someone I want to know what their thoughts are on the quality of my work, for instance. Stuff like that.

 

But I see that as very different from significantly altering oneself and one's lifestyle in order to become more acceptable to other people. I mean if you're with a significant other who bitches all the time about how much they want this that or the other thing to change, what they're saying is that they really don't like you at all, and they'd rather you were someone else. In my experience, folks who demand that you become someone else are doing it out to serve themselves, and while in the short run it might be easier to go along with what they want just to avoid conflict, I've also found that it never really ends. Such people will never be happy with you the way you are, no matter what you do or how you act or who you are or how many changes you make in your life to please them. They'll always find something else they don't like.

 

I think also that the willingness to change at the demand of others can sometimes come out of a deep need to be loved and treated well. The thinking is that you're not deserving of love as you are, and that if only you change in this that or the other way you'll suddenly become lovable and the people around you will treat you better than they do. Unfortunately it doesn't really work, it just keeps you enthralled to folks who are more interested in controlling you than in loving you.

 

This is all based largely on personal experience here, for whatever that's worth.

 

I've used a few tactics to stop worrying about what other people think of me. For one thing, I got to this point where I realized that since some folks were just never going to be happy with me the way I am no matter what I did, then I might as well be whatever the fuck I want. There's no point in trying to please people who will never be pleased.

 

An attitude of "go fuck yourself" can be useful too, depending on the situation, with or without accompanying middle digit. So can realizing that as long as you're not hurting anyone else, you have every right to live your life according to your needs, and fuck anybody who thinks otherwise. Figuring out what counts as far as "hurting someone" is useful - some things really are harmful to others, but most things aren't. If you keep your apartment clean to your own standards and someone is offended by that, they're full of shit. However, if you burn someone's apartment down and they get offended, that's a whole 'nuther matter!

 

I'm kind of rambling here, but maybe there's something useful in what I've said. If so, grab it. If not, no worries, just take your time.

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Consider what's behind the things which other people tell you to change, and once you've figured that out, you can probably laugh at them. For instance, the next time this happens:

 

my freinds say a man shouldn't have a clean house or they are gay

 

Just chuckle and say, "Yeah, some lazy sunzabitches will tell themselves anything to get out of wiping up their piss from the bathroom floor."

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*Hugs* Billy

 

I think you need to realize that you are a worthwhile person, and that it is all right to say no to people. If they reject you for saying no, then they aren't really your friends.

 

Practice saying no to small things. The bigger things will eventually come.

 

 

They don't reject me but they argue or bug me to death tho. I guess I need to say no..end of discussion or something

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I've been there, dude. It is a struggle. I actually went to therapy for a couple of years because I wanted to be happy in my own skin. I spent years getting run over and people pleasing.

 

One thing that helps me is to look at the big picture. Take a step back and say, "How important is this issue in the grand scheme of things?" It's kinda like high school. Remember how important everything seemed at the time? When in reality, it was silly stuff. I try to apply that to my life now. I try to fast forward and say, "Someday I will look back at this and realize that it was not a life or death decision."

 

Hang in there.

 

That's true not much is a life and death decision

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It's not worth dealing with people who don't accept you as you are. Even family.

 

No matter what you do or don't do, someone will be disappointed or unhappy with you. Make sure that someone isn't you.

 

For each demand placed upon you, such as bugging you to go to church, to stop reading certain subjects, etc., write down a list of pros and cons. What would you gain, and what would you lose by complying with someone else's wish? On the "pro" side you will usually find that it keeps someone else happy, or gets them off your back. On the "con" side, top of the list will be that you must compromise who you are and pretend to be something you're not.

 

I do that when trying to solve problems it sounds like a good idea to do in this situation.

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I grew up in that setting: mom always worried what the neighbors would think, what friends would think, what the church would think......I'm sure that attitude is at least partly to blame for her dementia today.

As Rick Nelson sang "you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself." "Ah, fuck'em" is a big part of my daily self-monologue.

 

That sounds like my mom. I like your daily self monologue.

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In recovery I learned to love who I am and the one of the side benefits of that was that I learned that while I still cared about what others thought about me, what I wanted them to know was the truth rather than I lie. That did not mean that I wanted them all to like me. Why should I? Most people I know certainly don’t make any effort to remake themselves for my benefit, nor would I want them to.

 

I think this is a good point I mean if they wont change to please me why should I?

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But I see that as very different from significantly altering oneself and one's lifestyle in order to become more acceptable to other people. I mean if you're with a significant other who bitches all the time about how much they want this that or the other thing to change, what they're saying is that they really don't like you at all, and they'd rather you were someone else. In my experience, folks who demand that you become someone else are doing it out to serve themselves, and while in the short run it might be easier to go along with what they want just to avoid conflict, I've also found that it never really ends. Such people will never be happy with you the way you are, no matter what you do or how you act or who you are or how many changes you make in your life to please them. They'll always find something else they don't like.

 

I think also that the willingness to change at the demand of others can sometimes come out of a deep need to be loved and treated well. The thinking is that you're not deserving of love as you are, and that if only you change in this that or the other way you'll suddenly become lovable and the people around you will treat you better than they do. Unfortunately it doesn't really work, it just keeps you enthralled to folks who are more interested in controlling you than in loving you.

 

This is all based largely on personal experience here, for whatever that's worth.

 

I've used a few tactics to stop worrying about what other people think of me. For one thing, I got to this point where I realized that since some folks were just never going to be happy with me the way I am no matter what I did, then I might as well be whatever the fuck I want. There's no point in trying to please people who will never be pleased.

 

An attitude of "go fuck yourself" can be useful too, depending on the situation, with or without accompanying middle digit. So can realizing that as long as you're not hurting anyone else, you have every right to live your life according to your needs, and fuck anybody who thinks otherwise. Figuring out what counts as far as "hurting someone" is useful - some things really are harmful to others, but most things aren't. If you keep your apartment clean to your own standards and someone is offended by that, they're full of shit. However, if you burn someone's apartment down and they get offended, that's a whole 'nuther matter!

 

I'm kind of rambling here, but maybe there's something useful in what I've said. If so, grab it. If not, no worries, just take your time.

 

That's true most people I have changed or gave up stuff for later found something else then something else.

This makes me think about the fact that if they are constantly wanting me to change stuff they are not liking me for me. It's like they are trying to mold me into one of them.

I don't want to be a molded image of enyone that would suck.

Plus, it's very depressing thinking of what all you used to enjoy, who you once were and looking over stuff you used to do.

Maybe a good question to ask myself when I am weighing the pros and cons like Floriduh said is will this make me happy? and is it hurting anyone if I don't do it. I mean yeah it may make them mad but it most likely wont kill them.

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Consider what's behind the things which other people tell you to change, and once you've figured that out, you can probably laugh at them. For instance, the next time this happens:

 

my freinds say a man shouldn't have a clean house or they are gay

 

Just chuckle and say, "Yeah, some lazy sunzabitches will tell themselves anything to get out of wiping up their piss from the bathroom floor."

That's funny.

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