I Am So Sick Of This Excuse!

[Eris]

Before I start, I am going to let you know that I am very angry at the moment and thus, there will be a LARGE amount of swearing. My apologies first and formost

 

Hey, its been a while since I've been here but with all the shit I've put up since coming here, I should have a freakin' novel in works. Anyway, this is something that has been on my chest since...well, since a long time and seeing as I am surrounded by the right people, its about time I let things lose and get this off my mind before I wind up hurting someone.

 

If there is one thing I HATE, its when someone uses the 'God didn't want us to' excuse. Living with a bunch of hard black Christians, I am SURROUNDED by this bullshit and when I even so much as ATTEMPT to say otherswise or even attempt to do things on my own, I get branded as if I'm doing something wrong. What the FUCK is wrong with us? Why in the world would ANYONE who has enough power to even get themselves out of bed think that if something doesn't go right, its because some person in the sky is controling it and thus, you shouldn't try to do it again. WHY DO WE (especially African Americans) use this? To me, THIS is the fuckin' reason people wind up stuck in shit because instead of actually accomplishing in life, they would rather wait and let their BESTEST IMAGINARY CLOUD FRIEND tell them to do it. No, I guess GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD wants me to live in this shithole of a state for the rest of my fucking life. What the fuck!?! Everrytime I hear someone say this, I just get the burning urge to push them in the path of a moving bus because this rhetoric is something the world needs LESS of.

 

Even worse, it just feels like I can not escape it. At times, it feels like I'm the only black female in the world who wants to escape from the Christian bond that is implanted in our thoughts. I know I'm not, but at times, it really feels that way and when you're by yourself in a never ending battle, it feels very lonely and at times useless. There have been times when I've wondered if I should just give in but the thought of me wasting my life in a place I don't want to be, following people who have no idea how I feel and just missing out on even more brings me out of it for a turn.

 

At this point, I have made myself so sick over Christian and God-laced bullshit that I can not even function right. In fact, I am SO desperate to get the fuck away from this I would willing allow someone to kidnap me because I would rather have that than someone reminding me about the glories of God that I, personally, have NEVER seem, felt, or even heard. No, I do not get dreams about God telling me what to do. I do not get messages or signs from God telling me where to head or go. You want to know what I dream? I get dreams of Heath Ledger as the joker having wicked sex with me and sadly, THAT fantasy is probally the most exciting thing that happens to be because in real life, I am a total wreck who is on the edge of losing it.

 

I could gladly relay all the times I've gotten the 'God doesn't want you/us to-' excuse but that's a entire new headache to bring up. Seriously, if God was watching over me, he would know that I;

 

a) HATE it here

DESPERTLY want to get out

c) STOP throwing fuckin' roadblocks in front of me

or most importantly

 

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE.

 

Whatever. I'm too pissed off as it is right now.

[Legion]

Hell yeah! That was a great rant Eris!

 

Welcome to ex-C.

[Eris]

Hell yeah! That was a great rant Eris!

 

Welcome to ex-C.

 

This is more than a rant. THIS is the bane of my existence! I've been told that God doesn't want me to do MANY things but of all of them, the most hurtful and heartbreaking was when my own Aunt (who is an OBSESSED Christian by the way) told me that God didn't want me to go to the Academy of Arts in San Fran...even though I had been ACCEPTED and a friend of my mine have paid for my aplication fee which was $150!

 

That happened when I was 21 and I still can't live it down. It just hurt me too much to actually brush off like that and it was in that moment that I not only lost faith in God but in the fact that you can go to your family for help. If THIS is the answer I can expect fuck it. I would rather go off on my own than stick around with this shit.

[mwc]

This is more than a rant. THIS is the bane of my existence! I've been told that God doesn't want me to do MANY things but of all of them, the most hurtful and heartbreaking was when my own Aunt (who is an OBSESSED Christian by the way) told me that God didn't want me to go to the Academy of Arts in San Fran...even though I had been ACCEPTED and a friend of my mine have paid for my aplication fee which was $150!

 

That happened when I was 21 and I still can't live it down. It just hurt me too much to actually brush off like that and it was in that moment that I not only lost faith in God but in the fact that you can go to your family for help. If THIS is the answer I can expect fuck it. I would rather go off on my own than stick around with this shit.

I don't know anything about this school...but can you still go? If so...GO! See the door? GO! Get the fuck out and GO!

 

I don't know how much more clear I can be. You know what YOU want to do. Now GO fucking do it.

 

"God" is no longer in your way. Your family is no longer going to be in your way. The only one left is you. You're going to be the only one stopping you from doing shit. So are you still reading this or are you gone?

 

mwc

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Eris. Very familiar with what you are describing - those who believe that bible god is involved in every aspect of our lives. When something goes right, they say, "See, god loves you and did this wonderful thing for you." When something goes wrong, they say, "God is testing you..." or "You lacked faith..." or "The reason this didn't happen like you wanted it to was because god didn't want it for you...." Always some excuse for how god either intervened or didn't intervene. What you know is that it is up to you to do that which is satisfying to your life. There is no bible god to wait on for answers or to blame when things don't go well. Though Christians can't understand it, this fact is the most liberating fact of all. It is absolutely freeing. So, while you are understandably angry, remember the freedom you have gained. Hang in there. You sound like you are a together person and I'd be willing to bet that things will work out for you....

 

Edited for typos.

[florduh]

I'm with mwc. Go and do what you gotta do!

 

I have a good friend who is a rational black woman. You CAN escape the religious mindset, but be warned - my friend ended up marrying a white guy because all the decent black guys kept trying to drag her to their church!

[Looking4Answers]

This is more than a rant. THIS is the bane of my existence! I've been told that God doesn't want me to do MANY things but of all of them, the most hurtful and heartbreaking was when my own Aunt (who is an OBSESSED Christian by the way) told me that God didn't want me to go to the Academy of Arts in San Fran...even though I had been ACCEPTED and a friend of my mine have paid for my aplication fee which was $150!

 

That happened when I was 21 and I still can't live it down. It just hurt me too much to actually brush off like that and it was in that moment that I not only lost faith in God but in the fact that you can go to your family for help. If THIS is the answer I can expect fuck it. I would rather go off on my own than stick around with this shit.

 

Do anything to go to this school or to pursue whatever art you are involved in. I am very serious about this. I am an artist. My earliest memories are of me drawing. All through school I drew and I dreamed of drawing. I was the best in my school and everyone just knew that I would be an artist ... perhaps a famous one one day. Then, to help me earn my way, I joined the military. Toward the end of my contract I "get saved" and my whole life changed at that point. For the next 17 years I served the god of the Bible. My art died within me for many years because I was led to believe that I could not serve god with my art. Instead, I became a pastor and a missionary. I did corporate art over the last several years as a means to supplement my income, but I did not take time to sketch or be creative. But I began to realize that I was missing an essential part of who I am ... who I was.

 

About 8 months ago I de-converted. It's a long story, but I lost my wife and family as a result. On my own now, I thought I could get back into my art. I went to the local art supplier and picked up paper, pencils, inking pens and a kneaded eraser. Then I starred at it all for the next three months. I was afraid to pick up a pencil and lay down the first stroke. I have gotten past a good amount of that fear, but I am still gripped by it from time to time. I have lost so much as a result of leaving the faith that I think a part of me was afraid that I had lost my art as well. And art, as I am sure you know, is a part of who you are. To lose your art is to lose a part of yourself (if not all of yourself).

 

I also lost 17 years of creative practice and research. As a result, I am not a very good artist. I know I could have been (by this time) something much more than I am now, but those 17 years are gone and cannot be recovered. I regret this, but I have to press on. In many ways, I am like a 43 year old teenager still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be when i grow up to be an artist. But at least I am free now and I can pursue my art no matter where it takes me.

 

If you are an artist of some kind (draw, paint, sing, dance, act, etc) and this is life for you ... this is your dream ... then don't give it up! You will regret it! I can guarantee you that! Don't let people tell you god doesn't want this or that. There is no god. You know yourself better than anyone and you know what you want to do and what your dreams are. Pursue them. Stay the course. I gave up a lot of myself and have to work hard at recovering from what I have gone through. Spare yourself this if you can.

[pitchu]

Eris, I join the chorus of what everyone is saying here.

 

You know, of course, that God is a jealous God, right? But most people don't know that what God is really jealous of is anybody who's any kind of artist. He can't do it. Just can't. Can't draw a stick figure, can't dance without falling down, can't rhyme worth shit.

 

So of course He is telling you to stay where you're miserable with people who make you crazy and to kill the artist within you.

 

Because God is a jealous God.

 

Also a control freak.

 

All of which is why He's pissed off by San Francisco.

 

Go there.

 

Go there, Eris.

 

[Skeptic]

Before I start, I am going to let you know that I am very angry at the moment and thus, there will be a LARGE amount of swearing. My apologies first and formost

 

Swearing's fine here, and I can't speak for others, but it doesn't bother me one bit. I do quite a bit of swearing here myself, actually.

 

Anyway, this is something that has been on my chest since...well, since a long time and seeing as I am surrounded by the right people, its about time I let things lose and get this off my mind before I wind up hurting someone.

 

I have to do this quite a bit, and it's a healthy thing to do. Repressing these feelings is destructive, not only for those around you if/when those emotions finally come out and you hurt them, like you mention, but also to yourself. Repressing emotions can erode your psyche in very dramatic ways, and it's not a good thing to do. By all means, vent as much as you need to. This is a safe place to do that.

 

If there is one thing I HATE, its when someone uses the 'God didn't want us to' excuse. Living with a bunch of hard black Christians, I am SURROUNDED by this bullshit and when I even so much as ATTEMPT to say otherswise or even attempt to do things on my own, I get branded as if I'm doing something wrong. What the FUCK is wrong with us? Why in the world would ANYONE who has enough power to even get themselves out of bed think that if something doesn't go right, its because some person in the sky is controling it and thus, you shouldn't try to do it again. WHY DO WE (especially African Americans) use this? To me, THIS is the fuckin' reason people wind up stuck in shit because instead of actually accomplishing in life, they would rather wait and let their BESTEST IMAGINARY CLOUD FRIEND tell them to do it. No, I guess GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD wants me to live in this shithole of a state for the rest of my fucking life. What the fuck!?! Everrytime I hear someone say this, I just get the burning urge to push them in the path of a moving bus because this rhetoric is something the world needs LESS of.

 

I also deal with this with my own parents. My mom would tell me to pray about things before making a decision. I'd always wonder why I couldn't just make decisions on my own without having to consult some sky fairy about it. I think people who believe this have self-esteem issues or something, and being raised in this mindset actually contributed to my self-esteem issues. I was told that god had a plan for my life as to what career I'd have, who I'd marry, etc., and that if I didn't follow god's plan for my life, that my life would be miserable. After I was told that, I went on some type of quest to figure out what god's plan for my life was. I was pulled in so many directions that I felt like a piece of taffy. I'd change major life plans monthly. I'd plan to major in some field and then, the next month, that would completely change, seemingly on a whim. At one point, I actually planned to major in political science. I'm not a politician at all. I'm too honest, I don't really have much tact, I don't have any contacts in that field, I could think of a million reasons why that wouldn't work for me, but I felt that god was "calling" me in that direction, for some reason. It is really frustrating to hear that from other people, though. I always think, "Gee, I'm so glad that you have confidence in me." Jeez.

 

At times, it feels like I'm the only black female in the world who wants to escape from the Christian bond that is implanted in our thoughts. I know I'm not, but at times, it really feels that way and when you're by yourself in a never ending battle, it feels very lonely and at times useless. There have been times when I've wondered if I should just give in but the thought of me wasting my life in a place I don't want to be, following people who have no idea how I feel and just missing out on even more brings me out of it for a turn.

 

I can see why you'd feel this way. Have you tried looking on the Internet for a forum for black ex-christians? Does that even exist? I myself sometimes feel like I'm alone because I didn't know many atheists growing up and although I have a few friends who are atheists and I contribute to this site, we live in a nation that is predominantly xian, and lots of atheists are reluctant to come out of the closet because of that fact. I would try to find at least one female African American who isn't a xian so that you won't feel alone. That would beneficial for you.

 

I would rather have that than someone reminding me about the glories of God that I, personally, have NEVER seem, felt, or even heard. No, I do not get dreams about God telling me what to do. I do not get messages or signs from God telling me where to head or go.

 

I had this problem ever since I was a young child. People all around me were telling me about the glory of god, how they could hear all these wonderful things, he answered their prayers, healed them of illnesses, some even literally heard his voice. I didn't get any of that. It was like picking up a phone to try to talk to someone and getting a dial tone on the other end. Like talking to a wall, really, except at least I could see a fucking wall. I got nothing from god. That in itself is frustrating as hell, but having other people constantly rub it in and make you feel guilty for not experiencing what they experience is enough to drive someone up the wall. I empathize with you a lot in that regard. Is there any way that you could establish boundaries with people who talk about these things to where they won't mention them around you? I don't know if you've come out to anyone and that might make someone suspicious, but until you leave, that might be your only option just to preserve your own sanity.

 

I could gladly relay all the times I've gotten the 'God doesn't want you/us to-' excuse but that's a entire new headache to bring up. Seriously, if God was watching over me, he would know that I;

 

a) HATE it here

DESPERTLY want to get out

c) STOP throwing fuckin' roadblocks in front of me

or most importantly

 

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE.

 

Whatever. I'm too pissed off as it is right now.

 

My advice to you (and I know this is easy for me to say, but bear with me) is to get out of there and cut those people out of your life. You also said that your parents aren't supportive, right? My parents also aren't supportive (actually, that's an understatement, but it's true) and I cut them out. I contacted my mom at one point, but I'm establishing boundaries with her, I'm not going to be contacting my father at all ever, and eventually, once I move to a different state, I'll be cutting off all contact with my parents indefinitely. I don't know your situation with your parents and if how they act toward you is bad enough to warrant this, but with me, it is enough to warrant cutting them out forever. It's an option that you have at your disposal if you're financially independent or you think that you can be at some point, and I'd advise you to do that if you think that it's a good idea. You don't have to feel like you have to put up with your parents' antics just because they're your parents and it's expected of you by others and by society. You can cut them out or establish boundaries with them. Good luck with this. It sounds like you're in quite a mess, and venting here is fine. It's a healthy thing to do.

[Dagan]

Try telling your friends and family that if god wants so badly to tell you where he wants you, he can tell you himself. If you feel you need to be in San Francisco, who are they to argue with that? For all they know, god might have big plans for you there

[jdog]

Nice venting and swearing, I do like the fuck word, sometimes it is the only apt one that gets the message across and really makes a mark.

 

Eris, I am going to jump on the wagon with the other posters.

 

What is stopping you from following your heart now? You are 22, and free to do whatever you want. Take the plunge, be brave, go for it!

 

Life is too short, you cannot live your life for others, you gotta do it for yourself. Be true to yourself. You have to do it to feel healthy and alive. You are way way too young to be thinking that it's over. All that angst and bitterness, heck I don't blame you, but you know it isn't good for you. And the only one stopping you now, is you. Stand up, be firm, be confident. If you feel weak, feel low self esteem, guilty and all of that, then get strengthened emotionally, build your self confidence up, learn to stand your ground, read self help books, I know there are plenty out there. Get empowered.

 

Take your power back.

 

Perhaps you think it is being selfish to do something for yourself, I know that in the christian circles and churches that I knew, it was all about denying self and giving and doing for god and seeking his will all the time.

 

And so just know it is not being selfish, following a dream that you have, not selfish at all, in fact it is an unselfish thing, you will be more of a asset to others if you are following your dream, you will be more loving and giving when you take care of yourself first.

 

You don't have to abide by any rules anymore. You really don't. No longer allow people put guilt trips or any other mind trips they try and impose upon you. Don't take that shit no more.

 

Do you want to whither and die in that town where you live?

 

Fuck 'em all and fly baby, fly!

 

I hear a Lenny Kravitz song coming on...I want to get away, I want to fly away, yeah...yeah..

 

Now do it!

 

We're here. You got us rooting for you.

[Tabula Rasa]

Eris, I join the chorus of what everyone is saying here.

 

You know, of course, that God is a jealous God, right? But most people don't know that what God is really jealous of is anybody who's any kind of artist. He can't do it. Just can't. Can't draw a stick figure, can't dance without falling down, can't rhyme worth shit.

 

So of course He is telling you to stay where you're miserable with people who make you crazy and to kill the artist within you.

 

Because God is a jealous God.

 

Also a control freak.

 

All of which is why He's pissed off by San Francisco.

 

Go there.

 

Go there, Eris.

 

 

:lmao: Rolling on floor and laughing 'til my guts bleed

 

Ahem, Eris,as someone who's an amateur artist, I definitely have to urge you to follow your dream and forget all that "The Lord don't want you too" bullshit you've been fed all these years.

 

To me, there's very few things sweeter than sitting down with a pencil and creating something on paper(Or applying brush to canvas, or inventing new dance steps or whatever your creative outlet is.)

 

Don't wait around get out there and DO IT! The sooner you start, the more cool stuff you can create, and the more we, and everyone else can admire it.

 

Best wishes,

Tabula Rasa

[Loren]

Hail, Eris!

 

I strongly agree with everyone else.

 

Go!

 

Study!

 

You know perfectly well that your aunt was being profoundly and shamelessly selfish while at the same time hiding behind a cardboard cutout of god for her own safety. She obviously doesn't give a flying fuck what god wants, she just wants what she wants, and it clearly doesn't bother her even a tiny little bit who has to pay for that or how costly it is to them, as long as she gets what she wants. She sounds like a classic example of a "little-old-lady bully." Churches are full of them. They have turf wars with each other.

 

Why be loyal to people who aren't loyal to you?

 

Hey, why not take a hint from your name-sake and do the "Kalisti" thing? Roll some kind of golden apple marked, "For the most Godly, Loving Christian," into their church and while they're knifing each other over it, take your stuff and get on that bus, plane, freight train or rubber raft!

[godlessgrrl]

One thing I've learned in life is that someone who speaks for god is trying to make themselves god. They're not telling you what any deity wants - they're telling you what they want, what they think, and justifying it by hiding behind the mantle of divine authority.

 

It wasn't god that didn't want you to go to art school. It was your aunt.

 

For the record:

 

When I was young and naive and obedient, I wanted to go to art school too. Nobody told me that god didn't want me to, but they told me I couldn't do it, that I shouldn't do it, that I should go off and do something practical for a career like find a husband. I got a degree in something else, but it wasn't what I really wanted, and I knew it even at the time.

 

10 years later I'd had enough bullshit too, enough of people telling me what I should or shouldn't do with myself and my life. So I found a local art school and I went. And in 2005 I got that art degree - and now I'm a graphic designer for a living. I'm in more debt than I'll ever be in my life, and at the moment the freelance market is crap, but I got that degree anyway, and I was 33 years old. (Hey! As old as Jesus when he finished his career!)

 

So it's not ever too late. You can always start over, you can usually go back and begin again, or pick up where you left off at something. Oh, and in case you think you might be too old: one of my classmates was a grandmother in her late 50's (and a survivor of pancreatic cancer). Age doesn't have to be a barrier.

 

Independence starts with this: It sounds like you're on your way. Don't let the bastards get you down.... especially not that jealous motherfucker YHWH.

[Centauro]

Eris.

Welcome.

 

I understand your frustration with the "gawd wants this, gawd is giving us a sign" yada yada yada.

 

I have been dealing with this for the past 18 years from my born again wife. (she found jebus, after we'd been married for 12 years)

 

Sounds like you are a talented young woman, having been accepted to art school in SF. If you still can get in, get the hell out of there and head west.

 

I have turned the kind of speech that your family is using on you to my advantage. Tell them you had a dream and gawd spoke to you to go the art school; and it is a sign from gawd that you were accepted. How can they refute that?

JMHO

 

Best of luck and go follow your dreams..

[Doubting Joseph]

Hey Eris,

 

 

Fellow Black Atheist/Agnostic here. We're out there, so just keep looking. For many years I was convinced that it was pretty much only the most educated of us that tend to see beyond the extremely superstitious brand of Christianity that seems to be most popular among our fellow black folk. But I was very surprised almost a year ago, when my cousin who's currently incarcerated told me that he had thorough analyzed religion and believed that it was a simple fabrication endorsed by western governments as a means of controlling the common folk. And he came to that conclusion living among idiots and low lives who tend to be relatively eager to find something comforting to cling to while they wait out their sentence. So.. all that to say that you're not alone, but if you're living anywhere in the south among black folks who have not educated themselves beyond high school or a few college class, it is very likely that you're going to continue to run into this. Sadly, I can tell you that in my medical school class, all of the black women were very religious. And the ones that weren't still believed, but just liked sex a little too much. Peace.

 

Joe

[☆ TexasFreethinker ☆]

Eris,

 

Whenever someone tells me their god has told them something I demand that they tell me exactly how god did that. Did they hear a voice, did he send a letter, etc? Then, I ask them how they know that it was god they were hearing from since christians rarely agree on things they say god has told them. If you want to be playful you might suggest they're really hearing from a demon instead of their god.

 

In the end just tell them that you don't believe they are hearing from any god and that they are using this as a way to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. Tell them you're a smart person and you're going to do what you think is best instead.

 

Good luck, and use this experience as a way to become more independent. It really does come down to doing what you think is best for you.

[Naughtyhamster]

When something goes right, they say, "See, god loves you and did this wonderful thing for you." When something goes wrong, they say, "God is testing you..." or "You lacked faith..." or "The reason this didn't happen like you wanted it to was because god didn't want it for you...." Always some excuse for how god either intervened or didn't intervene.

 

 

Right now my grandmother is telling me the same shit everyday about my ex-boyfriend. "It wasn't God's will!" all that kind of stuff. NO! It's because my ex boyfriend made some poor choices, and the people who love him ( his family, friends, and I) have to suffer the emotional consequences due to his actions. My grandmother is seeing this as a test of my so called "faith", but as I told her how come her god isn't testing the faith of my xtian cousins as they are married and well off as they are quite religious. I even asked "Doesn't Gawd test the more faithful than the faithless as he tested Job?"

[Eris]

I want to thank everyone who replied to my second rant here (I'm sure it will be one of many) and its comforting to know that there are people who don't buy into this 'God's will' shit because frankly, its not there or even if it is, I'm too distracted by the assholes around me to even fuckin' notice. :|

 

But whatever right? God is a god of opportunity right? If he wants you to waste your life and become the crazy cat lady who does nothing more than watch HGTV while highlighting passages in the bible, it MUST be good right?

[Amethyst]

*Hugs*

 

Life is too short not to do what you want to do with it. Go do it.