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Goodbye Jesus

Also Tired


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I read Phanta's post and I understand. I have been feeling this weird mix of depression and guilt - I don't know how to explain it or why it's happening. I know I can't believe it any more, but it's so deeply engrained, and so most of my friends were all within "the cult". Now I just feel lonely and confused and angry and sad. When does it start to feel better?

 

Part of the problem is I'm still attending my church due to family reasons. Sundays are the worst day of the week. The sermons sound crazier every week. How did I once agree with it? Why do I feel bad about rejecting it?

 

Thanks,

Steve

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Welcome to the forums, Steve.

 

The complex and mutually exclusive feelings you're experiencing as an "Ex" are normal... just hard to live with.

 

Some of these feelings take work and examination before they come to a healthy place. Others just seem to clarify and simplify almost on their own.

 

But it's still a challenging state to be in.

 

Hang around this board and relax, laugh, vent, fulminate, question. It's all acceptable here.

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I read Phanta's post and I understand. I have been feeling this weird mix of depression and guilt - I don't know how to explain it or why it's happening. I know I can't believe it any more, but it's so deeply engrained, and so most of my friends were all within "the cult". Now I just feel lonely and confused and angry and sad. When does it start to feel better?

 

Part of the problem is I'm still attending my church due to family reasons. Sundays are the worst day of the week. The sermons sound crazier every week. How did I once agree with it? Why do I feel bad about rejecting it?

 

Thanks,

Steve

 

I found it quite an emotionally painful time for me. I cried alot. It is a sense of loss, a grieving just as

Phanta says. and I also got angry too. A mix of emotions, just as it sounds you are experiencing. and yes it is a little difficult to explain. I think perhaps the why it's happening maybe a little easier to figure out. I think it is because it is a loss of something that you have always known, as wrong as it may be, it is still a loss that you are experiencing, the anger can be from the fact you realize how deceitful this religion is, how distorted and twisted it is, yeh we have every reason to be angry and even feeling a tad foolish for falling for it, but heck we all have. We had no idea. It is a sucky feeling to think that you have been tricked!

Sadness is understandable, again that is part of grieving, it could be the fact you are now on the outside looking in, no longer part of the click, even though you still go to church, your heart and mind is elsewhere, and so that can make you feel isolated lonely, because you no longer belong And have that connection with the people anymore. Guilt, yep I had that too, because I felt I was letting people down and I was doing something wrong. The 'what if I am wrong' thoughts sometimes creep in too, but that is natural. we hear those sermons and messages about rejecting christ and god, and who those people are and where they are going. Yes it is going to feel a bit weired when we make that conscious decision to reject it, and face the truth of what it all is.

 

It has been over a year now for me, and it has definitely gotten better, my situation is different to yours.

I expect because you are still attending church it must be more challenging for you. I was or am fortunate enough to be free to make a clean break, no one to 'make' me go or guilt trip me into going.

 

For you to get through this, is maybe develop a sense of humor towards it, as you say the sermons get crazier by the day, so just inwardly have that resolve that you know that it's bull crap and nonsense spewing out of the speaker. you can get a mini work out with all that sitting and standing umpteen times! and hand clapping. You could play watch the 'phony' you could develop compassion and think 'these poor idiots!' even though of course we were one once. :grin:

I hope eventually you wont see sunday as the worst day of the week, because eventually you will be free to no longer attend church. You will probably come to love Sunday mornings to do what the hell you want! I do now!!

I don't know if the whole day of Sunday is a religious thing for you and the family, or it is just the time attending church. If it is just church service and the rest of day you are free to chill out and do stuff, then perhaps try and not let that two hours or however long it is to overshadow the rest of your sunday. Don't let it ruin your day is what I am trying to say.

 

I hope you stick around, learn all you can, enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy for you, creative? art? music? Relax and have fun.

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I imagine it's like when you eat too much of something, and suddenly the thought of it makes you wretch.

 

I was going to suggest getting away from all of it, but then I see you feel you must attend church to keep up appearances.

 

If you can get away from your family though I recommend, if possible, going to unpopular(so you won't be seen) bookstores and libraries and reading freethinking literature as a way of staying true to yourself. Are you young? If so then student exchange might be a nice break from your community...even if it's 'missionary' related. If you are old then maybe it's time to think about when you should drop the charade.

 

I got through church when I didn't want to go by joining the bell choir and making music the real purpose of my visit.

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Thank you for the replies and advice. I guess last night was a bad one for some reason. I have good nights and bad ones. I really do feel freer inside, but I think the depression is coming from continuing to try to live a lie. I know I'm going to have to "come clean" and deal with it, but the thought of the crap it wil cause has stopped me so far.

 

I definitely want to stick around. I look forward to contributing as well as learning. I'd like to be able to share my thoughts and frustrations with like-minded people who have been through the fundamentalist christian experience.

 

Peace,

Steve

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