A Written Exercise To Strengthen My Demon Possesed Mind.

[Guest SouledOut!]

My religious life, like so many others, began in the suburban southern baptists churches where the faithful flock by the thousands to give their ten percent. I have grown up knowing many Christians, and many Christian families. I can quite confidently say that my family is very near the top of the totem pole when it comes to the intensity of bible-thumping. Without a doubt, Christianity has weakened my family, and has made it so that I cannot have much of a meaningful relationship with either of my parents because of my differing beliefs. Given the fact that my mother comes from an alcoholic family, and my father from an abusive one, perhaps it is no surprise that they sought refuge in the welcoming community(welcoming, of course, conditionally) of those who also seek redemption. My father is a smart man and a successful, respectably moral lawyer. Despite his superb reasoning and analytical skills, it has been a source of bafflement to me as to why he remains so firmly planted in the tenets of Christian fundamentalism. When religion is the topic of discussion with him, reason and objective analysis seem to go out the window, as it almost always does when discussing religion with the religious.

"I made" the mature decision to be baptized when I was 7, and I attended church every Sunday ninety percent of the time from as early as I can remember until I was 18, at which point I was beginning to waver a bit in my faith. Throughout high school I had a great group of Christian friends, which comprised mostly of very kind and loving people. I suppose, the kind of people who are easily led. Nevertheless, we did many good things, and made some contributions to society which I have always somewhat prided myself in. Of course, all this was in tow with the Christian faith. But these were the friends that I knew and had, and they were very important to me. I was always the more flaky one of the group, prone to ditch the church crowd every now and then for a night of drinking. Throughout though, I still "knew" the "truth" that Jesus was the son of god, and that he died for my sins, yet there were trying times when I struggled to find another rationalization to whatever doctrinal issue may have been plaguing me.

Once I moved out of my hometown for college, I left my friends, my family, and my religion at home. During my first year of college, I struggled much and often trying to figure out everything about Christianity. Of course, to no avail. With piling questions, and growing despair, I tried to find comfort in drinking and in the occult. Basically, looking for "one desire that would make me never want another". Through that year, my interest in the occult led me to no better answers, and my drinking led me to failing classes. As a result of my failing, my parents had me move back home. Upon getting to know their son again, they discovered that my relationship with god was not in a satisfactory place. So unsatisfactory, that my mother told me that she believed I was possessed. Although they knew my relationship with god wasn't what it used to be, they never knew how far from their faith that I really was, and currently am. To this day they do not know my thoughts on religion, and out of fear of them cutting my funding for school and out of fear of being welcome in my home, I try steer away from religious conversations with them, knowing that a positive outcome is very, very unlikely.

The past several months have been a sort of cleansing process from all the deeply ingrained Christian beliefs and ways of thinking that had so deeply permeated my life. At times it has been personally emotionally difficult, but overall very liberating! I am grateful for this website, it's very comforting to know that I am not as crazy as old friends and family consider me to be. Thank You for listening!

[jdog]

Hello SouledOut, I am glad you found your way to Ex C. It sounds like you have a pretty good perspective on things regarding the religion.

 

Perhaps in time you may not have to rely on parents for the financial support only because I speculate it probably doesn't feel right knowing that you do not agree with their beliefs and you have to keep things under wraps to keep the peace so to speak.

 

It is sad that you cannot be yourself without the fear of losing educational support and being alienated by your parents or having accusatory statements aimed at you such as you are possessed by a demon or the devil is deceiving you. I got that from a friend, she thought the devil was telling me lies and deceiving me to keep me away from god.

Maybe in time you may feel the need to tell how you really feel and not be concernced of the consequences. I would expect that would be even more liberating for you.

But I can only guess how difficult it must be for you. You have to live there. I also can relate to emotional difficulty, it can be a very painful transition when deconverting, it was for me.

 

So well done, thank you so much for sharing your story.

 

Peace

[pitchu]

Welcome to the forums, SouledOut.

 

Many here at Ex-C are in a similar position to yours -- needing to rely on parents to whom they don't dare tell the truth about their changed convictions.

 

It's a tough time in life in feel so torn.

 

I'm sure that you'll get plenty of support here, and that you'll give much, too.

[Guest trekker]

Let me add my welcome to you also, SouledOut. Yes, it's a tough place you are in, but I'm glad you are experiencing some freedom in being who you are. As you well know, institutionalized Christianity puts such a focus on who is in and who is out, who is saved and who is damned, that it makes family relationships even more difficult than they already humanly are, especially when someone like yourself decides that they are no longer a Christian. Most of my wife's family are bible-thumpers and, truth be told, they don't get along with one another that well anyway, despite their beliefs.

 

Which sort of brings me to some encouragement that I'd like to offer, if I may. And I know this from my own life because my wife is still a dedicated Southern Baptist. Here's my encouragement: be who you are, but don't compromise your beliefs. Just be the best person you can be and let the "beliefs" discussions go.

 

Those of us who have been in Christianity for a long time (my own journey was about 30 years, took me 8 more to leave), know that despite all the belief claims, people are people. Christians can be very loving. So can the secularists and the humanists. Christians can be jerks. So can everybody else. The real test is not what we believe, but our character.

 

When I "came out" to my wife about a year ago about leaving Christianity, she was sad, but understanding. And I said to her, "Please don't judge me by my beliefs or my lack of beliefs. Appraise me as a husband and a father by my actions." That "compromise" has worked fairly well for us. I respect that she wants to remain in the system and I don't degrade her for it or try to deconvert her. And she doesn't threaten me with hell or audibly pray for my return to Christ everyday.

 

You're not in the same situation, so you will have to work this out for yourself. But, to quote someone else who didn't fit within the religious system of his day, "Let your light so shine..." Just be who you are, let others be who they are, and "heap coals of fire on their heads" by loving them anyway.

 

Welcome again!

 

trekker