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The Eight Platitudes (revised)

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Guest QuidEstCaritas?

From Fuckyou Chapter 5, behold The Eight Platitudes:



1Now when he saw the guillable masses willing to gobble up bullshit, Teh Jesus rolled up the mountainside in his pimpmobile, took a shit in the local camel hut, and then sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:


3Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for they shall be milked for all they are worth and taken advantage of like the sorry motherfuckers they are.


4Blessed are those who mourn,

for they must be surely kicked when they are down. It's my style bitches, get used to it. Besides my sandals need to be broken in.


5Blessed are the meek,

for they shall inherit many mental assbeatings from my 72 Virgin Disciples (hehe they won't be Virgins for long :wicked: )


6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

I'll make sure they wind up dead; I can't be having any competition off the backside of my injustice!!


7Blessed are the merciful,

for they shall be changing the tires on my Rolls Royce. No you can't take a water break motherfuckers, get back to work!


8Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will never get laid. That just means more women for me!


9Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will surely be beaten to death with clubs by an angry mob of my disciples. Making peace isn't good for business.


10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

My niggas.


11Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, for you are truly fucked!






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