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Goodbye Jesus

A Non-believer In Jesusland


Argent

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I've been lurking around the boards for a few weeks, and thought I'd finally go ahead and make my introductory post here.

 

I grew up in the Bible Belt, in a Christian household. As far back as I can remember, I've known about Jesus and his love for me. One of my earliest memories, in fact, is being in the toddlers' class in church one Sunday morning, and learning about this magical place called heaven that I'll get to go to when I die because I believe in Jesus. This magical place excited me so much that at the age of three I was cheerfully proclaiming to anyone I happened to meet that I couldn't wait to die so I could go to heaven and be with Jesus (imagine how that might freak people out).

 

As a child, I loved church. On Sunday mornings, the children up to the ages of six or seven would be in a separate class while the rest of the congregation listened to the pastor's sermon. We would learn our children's bible stories, have snacks, make crafts. I actually was disappointed when I had to start attending the sermons because they bored me. Granted, this may be because I was still too young to understand much of what he was saying. My mind would wander during the sermon, and then I would feel guilty afterward when my mother tried to talk to me about the lessons that were preached and I couldn't remember because I was unable to pay attention. My mind wandered so much when the pastor spoke, in fact, that on one day when I saw people around me raising their hands, I raised mine too, not wanting to appear as though I hadn't been paying attention (which of course, I wasn't). That lead to my somewhat-accidentally getting "saved" that day--which I didn't quite understand at first, because I had always believed in Jesus. When they explained to me that I was doing this because I had to confess my sins and become baptized to avoid hell, I started taking my faith a little more seriously.

 

Oh, and did I mention I was seven at the time this happened?

 

I never really questioned my beliefs as a child--everyone I knew was a Christian and believed the same thing, and I was never exposed to other ways of thinking. In fact, one of my public elementary school teachers chastised me after I read in a science book that in about five billion years the sun will explode and that the earth will burn up, telling me that God promised never to destroy the earth after the flood of Noah's time.

 

If only it would have stayed as simple as it was before my baptism. I still didn't question my beliefs, but now that I had been baptized I knew I was supposed to feel the Holy Spirit in me. I was supposed to feel like I had "changed."

 

I hadn't, and it scared me. In fact, I prayed several times throughout my teens for Jesus to enter my heart and forgive my sins and save me from hell. However, I never quite felt the spirit move within me. On our youth group's annual retreats and mission trips, the last night was usually dedicated to discussing Christ's sacrifice for our sins, rededicating ourselves to him, and repenting. I would repent and vow to rededicate my life to him, but I never could quite become as emotional as everyone else around me, crying and raising their hands up and praising the Lord. I just... didn't feel it. I couldn't, and I felt guilty for it and wondered if I was really saved after all, and once again I would confess my sins etc.

 

It wasn't until I entered my freshman year of college that I was ever exposed to people who had a different worldview. I was shocked to find out that my roommate was pro-choice and supportive of gay rights (because, of course, the Bible condemns both--or so I had always been taught). However, I began to open up my mind, to see other sides of the issue through discussion. I began to wonder, for the first time, if Christianity was really the truth.

 

After that first semester, I ended up transferring to a college closer to home because of severe depressive and anxiety attacks I was having, thinking that if I were in more familiar surroundings it might help. However, my parents and sister were disconcerted at the fact that I didn't feel like going to church anymore. I told them that there were things about Christianity and the Bible that bothered me--such as, why would a loving God cast people into eternal torment for finite sins on earth? That never sounded very loving to me. Or the anti-gay rights agenda--if God didn't make people gay, and if it really were a choice, why on earth would gay people CHOOSE to be gay with all the persecution they endure? And if it wasn't a choice, why should they be punished for the way they were made? What about people in other countries who follow other religions and never learn about Jesus? Are they destined for hell, simply because they grew up in a different culture? What about all the hunger, the suffering, the disease that runs so rampant in third-world countries? Why doesn't God care enough to help them out, when he promises to care for us so in the Bible? Questions that I began to realize I'd always had but never thought much about because I couldn't expect to understand the mind of God (he works in mysterious ways, after all)--or at least, I'd never thought about them much before now.

 

Still, I clung to my Christian roots for a few more years. I read Christian books looking for inspiration. I prayed. I read the Bible, trying to find ways within it to reconcile these burning questions I had against my faith. I would seek, but would not find.

 

I finally admitted to myself several weeks ago that I was no longer a Christian. I quite simply can't believe anymore. The realization is both freeing and terrifying. I no longer have to worry about hell, or about trying to win people to Christ so that they won't go to hell and their souls won't be on my hands. I am free to believe what I feel is right (I still have strong spiritual beliefs, but I no longer follow any religion). I am free of the guilt I feel over "sins" such as normal human sexual desire, or interest in the paranormal. I am free to question anything, to learn, to grow, to discover.

 

And yet, as I said, I am also terrified. I am still living at home with my parents, trying to save up money while I still have few living expenses. I have plans to move out within the year, but while I am here, I am still in the closet, so to speak. If they find out I'm no longer a Christian, that will be bad enough. Pretty much my whole family will look at me as "lost," or a heathen. In fact, I remember when my father was the only agnostic out of all my extended family, and how he was often criticized for it. I remember my mother actually crying, pleading with him to get to know Jesus so he won't have to go to hell. Well, my father eventually became a Christian, and now it is I who am the lost one. However, if they find out I have different spiritual beliefs altogether, there is a good chance I will be disowned. I hate the thought of that happening, because while I don't agree with my family on their beliefs or some of their opinions, I still love them, and I don't want to cause a rift. I realize that they're going to find out someday--I can't hide forever--but I prefer to be out of the house and completely independent before that day comes.

 

And it's not just my family. It's almost everyone I know. Like I said in the beginning, I'm smack in the middle of the Bible Belt, and nearly everyone around me is a Christian. I fear that even those who are less vocal, those who won't say to my face that I'm lost and going to hell and that they'll be praying for my salvation, will look down on me for not believing. I fear that within my family, I'll start to be shunned, in a way. Oh, they won't turn their backs to me or stop speaking to me, but I will become the outsider, the lost non-believer, and the thought makes me sad.

 

However, I've come to accept that if that happens, it happens, although I hope I am wrong about how they will react. I hate the thought of losing my family, but I cannot believe as I once did.

 

That post got pretty long-winded! If you read through it all, I thank you for taking the time. (You deserve a cookie!) I look forward to getting to know other members on this site.

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Welcome, I am new here too, and feel the same way. My family and my best friends would give me hell literally if I told them. I am interested in other spiritualities too. I have a Pagan roommate and some of her views are interesting and I no longer see her as an evil person.

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Welcome, Argent. I also feel the same way as you and totally understand the issues that come along with living in the Bible belt. I look forward to getting to know you.

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Hi Argent,

 

I'm pretty new here as well, and our stories are pretty similar (except I think I'm probably older than you). I'm not living at home any longer, but I still do attend the same church as my parents. I am also "in the closet" with them, fearing the fallout of telling them. The duality of my current life is making miserable, though, and I know I'm going to have to face it. I bet the same is true for you, too.

 

I'm in Houston, Tx, so I know what you mean about being in the bible belt and surrounded by conservative, fundamentalist christians. It's tough. I'm trying to find humor in it instead of anger, but's it tough some days. It does lead to lonely feelings, but I'm looking for some ways to make other friends outside the "holy huddle".

 

Take care,

Steve

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Guest Johnny

I too live in the Bible Belt right now, although I am originally from Minnesota. I was indoctrinated at a very young age as well by my sweet, well-meaning grandmother who was only doing what she believed with all her being to be right. I too am in the closet so to speak to everyone but my wife, who only knows that I no longer believe in mainstream Christianity. I still do consider Jesus to be an important philosopher, and I believe most of his words and stories have been misinterpreted or exaggerated by his followers. I am reading "Jesus for the Non-Religious" by John Shelby Spong, it's pretty good.

However, I am actually leaning towards atheism right now. Too me...it's just so hard to believe in a God...I want too I really do. I try to tell myself that I am a deist but the idea of a god just...is a struggle for me. I know one thing, I can never believe in an intervening superhero deity that steps into the world to help people. It's just wholly illogical. I can't tell my wife that I am an atheist, she doesn't mind so much that I am not a Christian, just as long as I still believe in a god. I just don't want to cause any unneeded drama. I especially can't tell my family...that would just be too much for me bear right now.

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Hi, Argent. I also live in the bible belt where church attendance is part of the social norm. I know it makes it tough when you come to realize, as you did, that Christianity is not true. Hang in there, you will get past this and find new friends. No rush to tell your parents or anyone else until you are good and ready (if ever).

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Thank you for your words of welcome. :-) It's nice to have a place where I can talk to others about this.

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Bible-Belt dittos here. I think it's a wise decision to wait until you're out of the house before telling the parents- you're directly avoiding problems that LOTS of people on this board have had. IMO, it's usually best to wait until you're financially and emotionally independent.

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Guest Davka

I think you may be underestimating your parents when you say they will disown you when they find out you're no longer a Christian - although I admit I don't know them, and some parents really are that whacked-out. But it's rare. They will probably just pray for you a lot and try to re-convert you at every opportunity.

 

However, telling them while you're still living at home is not the best idea. You'd have to deal with the issue every day, and if they're closed-minded, that would really bite.

 

I also live in the Bible Belt. There are pockets of agnostics and even atheists here and there, usually near the bigger cities. Asheville, NC is also a hotbed of pagan crunchy goodness. And believe it or not, I have found agnostics within the walls of the United Methodist church - you might want to see if there's one in your area. If there are other "closet heathens" there, it's a great way to sort of fly under the radar. You haven't left the faith, you've just changed churches.

 

Hang in there. Life is still wonderful, even if you're no longer a member of the all-pervading in crowd.

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However, telling them while you're still living at home is not the best idea. You'd have to deal with the issue every day, and if they're closed-minded, that would really bite.

Quoted for truth. This is especially important if you're financially dependent upon your family in any way. Don't volunteer any information about your non-belief, and start planning for an independent future now.

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I think you may be underestimating your parents when you say they will disown you when they find out you're no longer a Christian - although I admit I don't know them, and some parents really are that whacked-out. But it's rare. They will probably just pray for you a lot and try to re-convert you at every opportunity.

 

Yeah, you're right, they most likely wouldn't, but I'm trying to plan for the worst to happen. Working on financial independence right now, may take me a little while to get there.

 

Asheville's only an hour-and-a-half away from me. I love it there. I actually would like to move to Washington state, since I have a couple of very close friends who live in that area, but if I'm unable to make it out there anytime soon I do plan to live in Asheville for a little while, whenever I can afford to.

 

And to everyone who's advised me not to tell my family about my beliefs right now--don't worry, I have no plans to. :-P I haven't really told anyone I know down here about any of this. I do kind of worry about when a family member will inevitable invite me to church... it won't kill me to go and play along, but I'm having severe avoidance reactions to anything Christian right now.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is a great testimony, one that I can definitely relate to. I don't know how many times I confessed Jesus and rededicated my life to him to try and rid myself of all my carnal and sinful ways, only to be rudely dissapointed when it did not work. Of course, devout Christians will argue that I either did not have enough faith, or did not obey God enough, but therein lies the hellish experience, NEVER being able to get it right. And if you are a perfectionist like me, nothing wears the soul down more than this...

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Welcome to the forums, Argent.

 

It's obvious how many people here share aspects of your story (and even your geographical area), so I hope you find camaraderie here.

 

Good luck!

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Guest Mari318

im 15 and live in a pentecostal home, yet i know i dont belong there. Im force to go to church and follow the rules and i want to get into stuff of my own live my own life instead of not having one. what should i do?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi,

 

I am in the same boat that you are, even in the Carolinas, only I

am old instead of young. One thing I can say, be glad you didn't

waste half your life on it, like some of us out here. Also, under

NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you tell your family. None. If they get nosey and suspicious,

and they WILL, if you are not "living the life",

or worse, ask, lie. Trust me, this will make things easier. I have a few

friends around here that are in all sorts of groups that REQUIRE you to believe in

Gd, (as they spell it in Israel) and they don't. They even take their oaths

and just "pretend". That may not be the most honest and "fun" way to live,

but, believe me, here in the South and with a family like yours, (and mine),

it will make for much more peace, especially since you say you really love your

family. Since you do, trust me on this, do NOT tell them. It will only make things

REALLY bad for you and unlock a Pandoras Box of nightmares. You can talk and ask

questions and see what they are thinking, (who knows, 1 or 2 of them could be

like you), but keep it at that, if you want a happy life with them. If you

want to tell them, wait at LEAST until you are on your own and can take care of

yourself. But, believe me, once you do, there is no going back and life as you

knew it is changed forever. (No, not forever. Sorry, a little of the old "Christian"

coming out!). It is changed though, for as long as you and your relatives live.

 

Good luck. Hope you find peace and much joy and happiness!

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I'm another one that's chosen at this point anyways not to tell my family. It's one of those things that i can talk the talk with them for now, and since I live across the country from them, it doesn't interrupt my life - and for now, I prefer the peace of them thinking I still believe rather than having them try to convert me at every phone call. I did tell my younger sister who is also a bit more open minded about religion, and my husband of course knows, but I've refrained from telling my parents, both are pretty fundy.

 

Like you, I rededicated, prayed and tortured myself for years trying to get that feeling that so many others seemed to have. I never really got there, and although I questioned my faith nearly the entire time, I still forced it upon myself for way too long - like someone else said, be glad you got out earlier rather than later!

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just take your time, i haven't told my bible believing mother yet, all she knows i don't go to "church" regularly anyway. she's open minded, so i haven't actually told her i really just don't care.

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