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Husband Finally Told Me What He Believes


gypsy79
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This is a catch-all post. I just need to put my thoughts into writing and maybe get some advice if anyone has any. I'm sure these are the same old issues everyone deals with, so you are probably tired of reading about them.

 

My husband finally decided to tell me what he believes, and it's what I thought. He seems to sit somewhere between liberal xian and deist, although he still has one conservative xian belief. He believes in a literal hell, so that's why he always changes the subject when I want to talk about it. I have felt unsupported through these major changes in my life because he always changes the subject, but now I guess I understand. Makes sense he wouldn't want to think about his wife burning for eternity. I asked him why he believes in a literal hell since it's not well-supported by scripture and he just smiled, so I assume the answer is because he was taught to believe in it. Oh well, maybe the question will at least make him think.

 

We do have some common ground in that we agree that if God exists, he does not care about the minutiae of our daily lives. (Not that I believe in God, but you know what I mean...I would believe in him if he sat down in front of me.) We both had a good laugh discussing a mutual friend who swears that he found his keys fast because he prayed to God to help him. :loser: We also have common ground in that we don't believe angels and demons exist. Well, he didn't really say that I suppose, but he did make it clear he does not believe in spiritual warfare of the sort I was raised to believe. You know, like literal invisible swords and invisible duking it out in the air. LOL. He finally admitted that my upbringing was more fundie than his and that he now understands why it pissed me off so much at first.

 

He seems to still believe Jesus existed (he tends to be vague since it's not his favorite topic of conversation), but I sense that he doesn't know whether Jesus was divine and probably prefers not to think about it one way or the other. He's just not as interested in this stuff as I am, and it doesn't seem to be important enough to him to really think about what he believes. He doesn't go to church or pray (that I know of) and he doesn't read the Bible, etc. He agrees with me that churches pick and choose what they like from the Bible and that they make up rules that are nowhere in the Bible. He doesn't think people should worry about minor sinning. He seems to think that being relatively good and believing in God will get you to heaven.

 

Off my husband and onto two recent xian thinking episodes:

 

1. I was laying on my husband's chest (okay, I guess I'm not getting off him, LOL) and listening to his heart beat and I started to think, "How could this have happened without a higher power? Maybe I am wrong." But, the thing is that, logically, I know I'm not. I understand evolution in that separate structures evolve to handle separate functions. I also think that if evolution were put into place by a higher power, it would likely be an evolved being from another universe or something, not a god. So, why the leftover xian thinking..."oh no, what if I'm wrong? Maybe I should just believe." It's crap and I know it, so why does my brain play tricks on me?

 

2. I woke up just a couple of days ago scared of demons in the night. Sigh. This happens all the time and I try to just ignore it and go back to sleep.

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It must be difficult for you that he refuses to talk about these things. There's kind of a sense of unfairness about it. On the one hand, he cares enough about the obviously important concept of Hell to believe in it, on the other, he acts like it's a no big deal thing. It's like he's kept all options open for convenient dodging. Sort of a "have your cake and eat it, too" type of set-up.

 

Clearly, you two love each other and he sounds like a good-hearted guy who isn't comfortable with the idea of other people suffering, or the inherent injustice of the real damnation doctrines. But I know if I got that from my spouse, I'd feel somewhat insulted. Like, "Hey, is it important or not? If it's not important enough to think about or talk about, then why are you bothering with it at all? And why are you allowing it to come between us? Doesn't the fact that you've allowed it to be between us in any way at all make it important?"

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Yes, you are exactly right. That is why it is so frustrating. Doesn't the fact that it is important to me make it important enough to talk about? Arggghhh. I feel like all our conversations revolve around TV, movies, and video games.

 

Then again, I have to remember he is just an extremely non-confrontational person. He doesn't want to get into a debate. I don't either, but what I think is a normal conversation, he thinks is a debate. We are just SO different in that regard.

 

It was a huge step for him to just (vaguely) tell me what he believes this weekend, and I have been married to this man for a long time! Sigh.

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Maybe he just doesn't know exactly what and why he believes. If he believes in a literal Hell, I doubt he has any evidence (since there isn't any) but it is so ingrained he's afraid to NOT believe it. Religious brainwashing is a tricky business!

 

My wife and I don't discuss such things either. I'm rather vocal about my lack of religion, and while she's not the least bit religious, she can't admit out loud that she shares my position (and by now I'm pretty sure she's very close to agnostic or very weak deist at best). It just seems so dangerous to some people to say there's no god, no hell, no angels, whatever the hangup might be. So it's don't ask don't tell regarding that subject - which is fine with me.

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Yeah, you're right, Florduh. I don't think he has ever really thought about what and why he believes.

 

I guess it's not really frustrating to me that he won't talk about his beliefs; it's more that he usually won't listen to me/validate the major changes I've gone through in the past few years. I can't mention one little thing without him quickly changing the subject. That must be the real problem (ooo...good online therapy...I came around to the real issue).

 

Oh well, I'm sure that has to do with his own issues, so I guess I'll try to get over it, but the other issue is that it's annoying to never have a deep conversation with the person you're married to. He's a smart guy, but doesn't like to talk about any controversial or deep subjects. It doesn't have to be about religion; I'll take anything!!!

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Take heart. Men and women have different definitions of "conversation."

 

 

 

Dear Diary

 

HER DIARY:

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

 

The conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

HIS DIARY:

 

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

 

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Take heart. Men and women have different definitions of "conversation."

 

 

 

Dear Diary

 

HER DIARY:

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

 

The conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

HIS DIARY:

 

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

 

Oh florduh...that was so funny. :lmao:

women and men are like chalk and cheese aren't we? Its so true too. We think a million thoughts and speak them all, compared to a man having one or two things to say.

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Florduh, :lmao: at the diary entry.

 

Ruby, thank you so much for the video! That was very interesting. When the time is right, I will show it to Mr. Gypsy. I only wish the fellow were wearing a different shirt so I could send it to my parents too.

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