Guest Davka Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I guess I might as well get it all out there. Born 1960 in Southern Cal to Bohemian beatnik parents. We went to the Unitarian church a few times, but that's it. Have a pentecostal fundy aunt who was trying to convert me as a child, but I rejected it as weird nonsense. Parents started experimenting with drugs in '67, got divorced in '68. Mom moved out and joined a lesbian commune in Isla Vista. Dad started drinking heavily and became an even more abusive asshole. Beat the crap out of me regularly. I started smoking pot at age 12, dropping acid at 15. On probation forever, in and out of JV till I left at 17 to bum around the country. Hitchiking, hopping freights, sometimes following the Dead on tour. Mom traveled around, ended up joining the Rajneesh commune in India. Later she moved to Rajneeshpuram in Oregon, where I also spent some time. Tripping on mushrooms circa 1982 in Santa Barbara, I was at a local "happening" called dance-away at the Unitarian church, and watching all the games people play. I wondered why people were so afraid to show themselves, and to be themselves. As I was wondering that, a Rajneesh follower happened by, and I struck up a conversation. She was refreshingly "real" compared to the rest of the people there. Later I wandered home (an old school bus parked on a front lawn) and found that someone had left a copy of a Rajneesh book on my bed. I opened it at random, and saw the words "this is why people are so afraid to be themselves." So I joined the cult. It didn't last too long tho, because I was living on the fringe of society, sleeping wherever I could crash and trying to avoid any semblance of work, and the Rajneeshies were all spoiled middle-class Boomers. But it started my spiritual quest. I kept looking for answers to life's persistent questions, a la Guy Noir. Met my wife-to-be a couple years later. Lived on the beach together in Santa Cruz. Went to Rainbow Gatherings, Dead shows, wherever the party was. A few years later we decided to check out the Big Island of Hawaii, because some friends had gone there for a visit and never returned. So we scraped together air fare and landed in Hilo, pretty much broke. Hooked up with old friends, trimmed bud for cash, bummed around. And then we broke up so I could chase other women, like the selfish jerk I am. But it was not to be. In 1987, tripping my face off in an orchid field on a friend's land, I was watching my breathing zen-style and just grooving with the cosmos when I had a mind-altering flash of indescribable weirdness. Long story short, I talked to God for about 4 hours. I started this conversation as a New Age pantheist, but ended as a Born-Again. And proceeded to convert my (Jewish) ex-girlfriend within 2 days. Quit drugs, cut my hair, joined a Foursquare church. Now, you need to understand - Hawaii is an incredibly friendly island. People are warm, welcoming, and pretty genuine. So my experience with church there was almost all good. Loving, welcoming people. And the pastor focused his teachings on love, not sin. As churches go, this one was really exceptional. We stayed there for 3 years (got married), until we "heard God" tell us to move back to the Mainland. Went to Santa Cruz, where we discovered that churches and Christians were not all the same. To say the least. But we persevered for a few years, until the bottom dropped out of the local economy in '91. We figured it was time to move elsewhere. Prayed, and "heard God" tell us to emigrate to Israel. Now, because my wife was raised in Israel and has dual US/Israeli citizenship, this meant we could go there as a couple and I would be given citizenship. And even better, the Israeli government would pay for our plane ticket and help set us up there. Another long story short: moved to Jerusalem, raised 3 kids there, stayed 7 years before I simply could not handle it any longer. Asked God where to move. Pulled out a map of the US and settled on Nashville, TN. Music city USA (I'm a musician). I bought a one-way ticket to Atlanta, hit the ground with $800 in my pocket. This was 1999. Spent a few days with friends in Atlanta, bought a dirt-cheap car, and drove to Nashville. Found work, rented a house, and my wife sold everything we owned in Israel and flew over with the kids to join me. Thus began the Bible Belt part of the saga. In Israel I had already begun to doubt my faith. Learning Hebrew and talking to Biblical archaeologists, I discovered that what the church teaches is BS when it comes to history and the Bible. In the Bible Belt, I was surrounded by ignorant people who damned near worshiped Israel (if only they knew!) and seemed impervious to logic. We went through a number of churches looking for semi-rational humans. We finally settled on a Calvary Chapel, because of the high percentage of California refugees there. Meanwhile, I had been wrestling with a personality disorder left over from my violent upbringing. Every 6 months or so, I would fly into a violent rage, screaming and breaking stuff. 18 years of prayer had not helped a bit. Finally, a good friend who is bipolar suggested meds. I started taking SSRIs about 2 years ago - and my life changed overnight. These evil meds did what Jesus could never do: they stopped the anger and depression. About 6 months after I started taking meds, I was at a church picnic when the thought suddenly occurred to me; "there is no God." It felt liberating, but also scary. I stuffed it down, but it kept popping up. Finally, about 6 months after this epiphany, I had a run-in with a hypocritical shit in leadership at church. And I walked away from that church, and pretty soon thereafter, from religion entirely. I found a better crutch. That was bout a year ago - I only really embraced my agnostic beliefs sometime last winter. I can't be an atheist, because that requires too much faith. I don't know if there's a God or not, and neither does anyone else. Those who are convinced that there is no God are just as deluded as those who are convinced there is. Nobody knows. It's not something that we can prove empirically one way or another. I am, however, fairly certain that none of the "gods" of any earthly religions, past or present, are real. I'm rooting for the FSM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mick Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 >> This forum is not for making judgments or proclamations regarding statements of the OP. Post deleted by pitchu. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 Wow, that was one life you lived. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agnosticator Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 Your life has been one "groovy trip", Davka! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Davka Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 Hey, it ain't over yet! As soon as the kids grow up and move out, I want to get a van and go traveling again. I've got lots of adventure left in me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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