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Weirdest Things Your Former Pastor Said


bird28

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I had one pastor in an AoG church claim that sins were passed down from father to their kids, the child had to ask their father his sins, and confess them as their own. If you didn't know your father, sorry, you are going to hell. I broke out in tears when I heard this since I never knew my father.

 

Also in that church they believed that your ancestry would affect your blessings in life. Native Americans and Blacks have more of a pagan background than Whites, so Whites were blessed more. If there was witchcraft within like 7 generations of your family, you had to forgive it as if it was your own sin.

 

What have you heard?

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I'm pretty sure there's a bible verse that says the exact opposite of that...that children should not be punished for the sins of their fathers...though chrstian contradiction does not surprise me anymore.

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This Baptist weirdo preacher actually said it was entirely proper for a married man to rape his wife. Of course he didn't use the word rape, but what else is it when he says the woman's body belongs to the man and he should be able to have it any time? He was a power mad bastard. I give myself credit for knowing it was weird and screwy when he said it even though I was 15. I also pitied his wife.

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This Baptist weirdo preacher actually said it was entirely proper for a married man to rape his wife. Of course he didn't use the word rape, but what else is it when he says the woman's body belongs to the man and he should be able to have it any time? He was a power mad bastard. I give myself credit for knowing it was weird and screwy when he said it even though I was 15. I also pitied his wife.

 

I heard that message too... not really fair.

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that the wine Jesus drank was non-alcoholic :twitch:

 

OH, and that demons and angels literally battle it out in the air all around us...fighting over our souls.

 

:Duivel:

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that the wine Jesus drank was non-alcoholic :twitch:

 

I remember arguing over that one. They didn't have refrigeration, so it was either fresh grape juice, boiled grape juice (syrup), rancid grape juice, or alcohol laden wine. Those are the options.

 

The genealogies that each say they are traced through Joseph, but really one had to be from Mary...

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I'm pretty sure there's a bible verse that says the exact opposite of that...that children should not be punished for the sins of their fathers...though chrstian contradiction does not surprise me anymore.

I thought I read about at least one verse denying inherited punishment. However, for every feel-good verse in the Bible, there are several downers to oppose it. There are a few in the OT that talk about punishment that extends four generations deep:

 

"4You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments."

- Exodus 20:4-6 (Exodus 34:6-7, Numbers 14:18, and Deuteronomy 5:8-9 echo the same point as well)

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God is real! Jesus is alive! These are the End Times! Well ok, it seems pretty wierd today. :P

There was so much BS that I heard in churches over the years, hard to remember it all.

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The dumbest thing I have heard from a pastor has to come from a Sunday service I attended back when I was 17. The sermon was about the falsehoods of other religions and how we know xianity is the true religion because of the evil other religions obviously Emmit. As those of you still reading my post beyond this point have guessed - his reasons were so incredibly fucking stupid that there is no adjective in the English language to describe just how horribly bad some of them were. The sad part was everyone at the church was listening with wide eyed glee and smiles plastered on their faces. I wish I could have got a video recording of that service, as it would likely convince any apatheist who was on the fence as to whether or not xianity was a cult that it most certainly is.

 

Some little excerpts from this sermon I remember...

 

 

"Pantheism is a pure evil philosophy believed by satan worshipers. Pantheists believe that all is God and that they are Gods and that satan is God. They are arrogant individuals who think themselves as greater than the true god by calling themselves lord. They worship themselves! They are sinners who worship the flesh! Blasphemers! But we worship the true gawd Jesus Christ AMEN! Let us pray for them that they may find some humility"

 

"Buddhists believe they don't need god because they can become gods by abandoning everyone who needs them. They are so power hungry...so full of desire to attain godhood that they would ignore their own starving children and leave them to die just so they could meditate a bit longer. Just a BIT longer. Always looking for the next fix of meditation. They are addicted to it like a drug but do not even realize it."

 

"Wiccans worship the false Gods that Yahweh had destroyed long ago, but these satan worshipers pray to the dark forces in order to revive these gods. They use childrens books like harry potter to convert our children...OUR CHILDREN!!! Into their circle of filth and decay!"

 

 

 

 

 

...need I go on?

 

I wish I was lying.

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It wasn't my pastor but the pastor where I was gave a sermon about squirrels and peanut butter or some shit. To this day I have no clue what he was trying to tell us about. But it's been nearly 30 years and I still remember that stupid guy. Maybe that's what he really wanted?

 

mwc

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I'm pretty sure there's a bible verse that says the exact opposite of that...that children should not be punished for the sins of their fathers...though chrstian contradiction does not surprise me anymore.
The verse is Ezekiel 18:19-20
Yet you say, ‘Why should not the son suffer for the iniquity of the father?’ When the son has done what is lawful and right, and has been careful to observe all my statutes, he shall surely live. 20The person who sins shall die. A child shall not suffer for the iniquity of a parent, nor a parent suffer for the iniquity of a child; the righteousness of the righteous shall be his own, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be his own.

 

that the wine Jesus drank was non-alcoholic
We were told that too that the wine Jesus made out of water was really grape juice. How one can get drunk off of grape juice is a mystery beyond me. I've heard several weird things from various COC preachers. Our preacher has claimed the Church Of Christ is the original church established on the day of Pentecost as pretty much all COCers believe. We had a guest speaker once who was the principal at a local private COC school who said that evolution is false because he's never seen a monkey turn into a human and started condemning Richard Dawkins and The Secret. The preacher we used to have claimed that the dinosaurs died out in Noah's flood. The preacher at my grandmother's COC claimed that musical instruments were not used until about AD 70 and that it was first introduced by the Catholic church. He also claimed the early Catholic church at first objected to the usage of musical instruments but he didn't back it up with any evidence. He predicted there was going to come a time some time in the future where my grandmother's congregation would be persecuted by false COC xtians that would try to deceive them with musical instruments and he claimed Florida was godless because there weren't enough COCs down there. There was also another time where they claimed that eating too much food and dancing were sins.

 

I wish I could have got a video recording of that service, as it would likely convince any apatheist who was on the fence as to whether or not xianity was a cult that it most certainly is.
And you know when they meet a real pantheist and a real Buddhist and start making those false claims and the Buddhist and pantheists argue back that that's not what they believe, the xtians will keep on insisting that's what they believe even if they don't because they obviously know more about their beliefs than they do.
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The preacher we used to have claimed that the dinosaurs died out in Noah's flood.

 

My Southern Baptist church taught this as well, but didn't God command Noah to save two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean animal (are dinos clean)? Maybe I am misunderstanding and need to go back and read that passage, but I don't recall God saying save every animal except the big ones. :shrug:

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Guest Davka

My own pastors were, for the most part, educated and thoughtful men. But I attended special services at other churches from time to time where I heard some really weird shit. The two weirdest sermons I heard preached were both in Jerusalem, the Lunatic Magnet of the world.

 

One was during the first Intifada, in 1988. It was at this place called the Christian Embassy, which kind of worships Israel and the whole idea of Jews in the Holy Land. The preacher was talking about the Palestinian uprising, and quoted the Bible as saying "you shall dash their children's heads against the stones." He figured it was God telling Israel to kill the Palestinians.

 

Another was when Benny Hinn came to Jerusalem (he's an Arab Israeli, born and raised in Haifa). He was teaching in the Baptist House, which is the biggest English-language church in the city, and thus a tourist magnet. He was playing around with the Hebrew word for "spirit," which also means "wind" - and he came up with this bizarre interpretation that evil spirits could only be expelled by wind, or, more specifically, by coughing. He had the whole congregation coughing really loudly to drive the demons out. It was hilarious.

 

Sometimes I think Benny Hinn is a closet atheist, just messing with Christians' heads.

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He was playing around with the Hebrew word for "spirit," which also means "wind" - and he came up with this bizarre interpretation that evil spirits could only be expelled by wind, or, more specifically, by coughing.

I'd have to say that this somehow makes a lot more sense when applied to Mary and the HS though. I can more easily envision a magical wind enveloping/blowing over her rather than getting banged by a ghost.

 

mwc

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I just remembered one today. It wasn't spoken to the congregation, but to his faithful assistant.

 

One day she and he were part of the audience at a trial for one of the members, and during break she asked him to hold her coffee for her while she went to the restroom.

 

He replied, "You need someone to hold your drugs? Sure, I'll hold your drugs for you."

 

 

This was one of the most tight-assed pastors I ever ran into. Except when it came to speeding. He really liked to speed.

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Guest Davka
Another was when Benny Hinn came to Jerusalem (he's an Arab Israeli, born and raised in Haifa). He was teaching in the Baptist House, which is the biggest English-language church in the city, and thus a tourist magnet. He was playing around with the Hebrew word for "spirit," which also means "wind" - and he came up with this bizarre interpretation that evil spirits could only be expelled by wind, or, more specifically, by coughing. He had the whole congregation coughing really loudly to drive the demons out. It was hilarious.

 

Sometimes I think Benny Hinn is a closet atheist, just messing with Christians' heads.

 

That is soooo funny! Tee hee. Were you coughing, too?

No, I was looking around in amazement thinking "WTF??" This was a time of really starting to question Evangelical Christianity.

 

 

I'd have to say that this somehow makes a lot more sense when applied to Mary and the HS though. I can more easily envision a magical wind enveloping/blowing over her rather than getting banged by a ghost.

 

mwc

 

Yeah, a magical wind which blows God's sperm miraculously into Mary's womb without ever having to pass through her (whispers) vagina, with all those nasty sexual connotations.

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"Pantheism is a pure evil philosophy believed by satan worshipers. Pantheists believe that all is God and that they are Gods and that satan is God. They are arrogant individuals who think themselves as greater than the true god by calling themselves lord. They worship themselves! They are sinners who worship the flesh! Blasphemers! But we worship the true gawd Jesus Christ AMEN! Let us pray for them that they may find some humility"

 

Heh. Sounds like something my parents would say. Actually, they have said that before. My aunt belongs to this one religion that would be considered pantheism and when I asked my mom what it was, she said basically what is written here.

 

"Buddhists believe they don't need god because they can become gods by abandoning everyone who needs them. They are so power hungry...so full of desire to attain godhood that they would ignore their own starving children and leave them to die just so they could meditate a bit longer. Just a BIT longer. Always looking for the next fix of meditation. They are addicted to it like a drug but do not even realize it."

 

I think my mom mentioned once about Buddhists becoming their own gods, but she didn't really focus too much on meditation. It's not even specifically Buddhism that my parents hate; they hate all Eastern religions and "mysticism". Hell, I was told as a kid that I wasn't able to join karate because in doing so, I would be susceptible to demonic activity.

 

"Wiccans worship the false Gods that Yahweh had destroyed long ago, but these satan worshipers pray to the dark forces in order to revive these gods. They use childrens books like harry potter to convert our children...OUR CHILDREN!!! Into their circle of filth and decay!"

 

Oh, yeah, my parents hate Harry Potter and everything about Wiccans and witchcraft. (I know that Wiccans aren't witches, but they can't seem to be able to make the distinction). Supposedly, I wasn't allowed to do trick-or-treat as a kid because Satanists would take children and use them as human sacrifices. My dad told me that. I thought he was fucking with me when he said that, but one time when I was channel-surfing, I saw an ad on the local xian TV channel for some upcoming program on children being abducted on Halloween night and being used in Satanic rituals. Jeez. I was into Harry Potter as a teen mostly because my parents hated it (I like it, but I liked it more simply because my parents hate it). One time, I went with some friends to see a Harry Potter movie at the theatre, but I lied and said that I was going to see another movie. I got caught and I was grounded for a month to my room. That same movie came out on DVD around my birthday, so I used my birthday money to buy it LOL. I had a Harry Potter t-shirt, too, that I would wear. I have a friend who is a bisexual Wiccan. I have no idea why my parents would let me hang out with her while I was still living with them. She is like a physical manifestation of everything that they are prejudiced against.

 

I wish I was lying.

 

I wish I was lying, too.

 

I can't think of anything that any of my former pastors would say that tops the kind of insanity that my parents would spew on a regular basis. Probably the weirdest thing that I've heard someone other than my parents say in regards to religion was at some event where a guy giving a speech said that if any of us in the audience were planning to date, then we would have to be prepared to marry that person. I guess he was saying that dating was practice for marriage. No matter how you say it, it made absolutely no sense to me.

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Another was when Benny Hinn came to Jerusalem (he's an Arab Israeli, born and raised in Haifa). He was teaching in the Baptist House, which is the biggest English-language church in the city, and thus a tourist magnet. He was playing around with the Hebrew word for "spirit," which also means "wind" - and he came up with this bizarre interpretation that evil spirits could only be expelled by wind, or, more specifically, by coughing. He had the whole congregation coughing really loudly to drive the demons out. It was hilarious.

 

 

Something like this was on Penn & Teller's "BULLSHIT!". The episode was about exorcism, and this one woman had her congregation coughing into paper towels to exorcise themselves.

 

As for the question of the wine being alcoholic or not, back then, fresh grape juice was commonly referred to as wine, so there's no telling. Not that the event actually happened...

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I got a question: When and why did God decide that certain of the fauna that HE created were "unclean"?

 

And why does he assign such arbitrarily lesser value as to have them sampled in twos rather than sevens like the "clean" ones?

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The sermon I remember laughing over the most was when I was 15 and fully Wiccan (to the ignorance of my parents). It was the sermon given on Easter Sunday - about the wicked and terrible pagan meanings of the the secular holiday. I was literally choking with laughter as he read from a slide about the evil meanings of the bunny, chocolate, eggs, the colored ribbon etc etc. It was all sexual connotation. Of course I knew full well all of these things but he spoke about it like he had just discovered it in hidden books - like it was a conspiracy of non-christians trying to corrupt us.

 

But funniest things weren't what he did say, but what he wouldn't read. The slide several times used the technical terms: penis, womb, vagina etc. But he always skipped over those, as if it would be far too dirty to even speak about these body parts in church.

Another favorite of mine was his list of evidence that Satan worked in the modern world:

 

Public Schools

Goddless Rock Music

Halloween

Piercings and tattoos

Mixed Swimming

 

Our highschool level books were written in 1920 and had all the arguments against evolution you'd expect from that time. Also the subject of modesty was beaten to death and I felt like a slut if a guy ever happened to think I was attractive. Part of the definition of Conservative is wanting things to be like they used to be - this church desperately wanted to be puritans.

 

My one friend there had access to the keys because his dad was the janitor/ repair man. He told me that he brought girls there to have sex with all the time, had sex on several pews and in the baptismal pool. His brother also held Satanic rituals in the basement. I laughed for days thinking about my pastor's face if he only knew.

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Another favorite of mine was his list of evidence that Satan worked in the modern world:
This reminds me that one time we had a guest preacher at church who was a principal at a local private COC school. He had a list of books that were evil creations of Satan to lure you into temptation and the books he had listed were God Is Not Great, The God Delusion, The Origin Of Species, and The Secret. I just found it random he lumped The Secret in there with Darwin and the New Atheists as they probably would have thought The Secret was ridiculous too and part of the main reason I read Hitchens and Dawkins was because the preacher damned them. He also ranted about how everything was so much better in the 50s because you could pray in school and nobody questioned Jesus and how non-Christians just don't want to follow any rules.
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Guest mariposa

I grew up in the 80s, a wonderful time to be a fundy, lol. One of the sermons that sticks out in my memory is we had a guest preacher for the children. This man prepared a whole 3 hour sermon on toys that were demonic. He-Man, She-Ra, Smurfs, Popples, Snorkles, etc were all toys that had DEMONS inside them and you had to get rid of them. I remember being terrified cuz he spoke of how the Smurfs had come to life during the night and scratched his little boy up. After he finished the sermon, he asked for all of us in the front so he could pray over us to be cleansed from all demonic influence these toys had on us and so God could protect us.

 

We were told to get rid of all these toys, to throw them out, in the NAME OF JEEBUS. Well, I should add that my father had passed away the prior December and ironically, it was the Christmas where me and my sister had gotten the most toys b/c I guess people felt sorry that we'd have a Christmas without my father. We get home and start gathering stuff up and my mom just goes 'we are NOT throwing all these good toys away!' so we got to keep our Cabbage Patch dolls and My Little Ponys. I luv u mom.

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Once you swallow all the standard Christian beliefs, it's not much of a stretch to add all sorts of other weird shit in there. One example I recall is my former pastor saying that all homosexuals are united in support of the "homosexual agenda," which includes corrupting the children and ruining the institution of marriage. The reason they want to marry isn't because they actually want to be married; it's so they can bring down the institution of marriage, which they hate because it's holy and they're evil.

 

Another example I recall wasn't my pastor, it was a guest speaker named David Gibbs, the head of the Christian Law Association. He told our congregation (King James Version only fundy Baptists) a story about a demon-possessed man coming into his office for counseling. As soon as David Gibbs opened his King James bible, the man started shrieking, telling him to close the book because he couldn't stand the light coming out of it. This gave Gibbs an idea. So Gibbs closed the King James bible and got a NIV and opened that. The demon-possessed man said that was much better, the light was very faint. Then Gibbs got a Greek bible with KJV text in the margins and the man complained that there was light coming from the margins (i.e. the KJV is inspired beyond the Greek texts of which it is a translation). Then Gibbs got a Living Bible and opened that. The demon-possessed man started jumping up and down gleefully, exclaiming "We wrote that! We wrote that! That's our book!"

 

David Gibbs presented this as a true story and he had an audience of about 300 people eating it up. :Doh:

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I was Assembly of God too, and I can't WAIT to add to this bizzare list:

Crazy-ass shit I heard in church:

 

1. Of COURSE God is a man! (from my pastor, who was horrified to see a TV special about how God could be a woman)

 

2. Maybe some of us need to go to the grocery store and stand in front of the pickles and the mayonaisse and tell people about jesus! (a popular guest preacher said this frequently in his sermons)

 

3. Christians should not go to movie theaters. (another AoG preacher)

 

4. The wine is Jesus' time was non-alcoholic. (riiiiiight. Whatever you say...)

 

5. Marvin Gorman, an evangelist, liked to tell a story about when he was in Louisiana and he and his wife discovered that a young girl in the church was getting physically abused at home. They had obvious physical evidence, the girl's shirt stuck to her bloodied back. "Bro. Gorman" was going to call the authorities but the little girl talked him out of it when she said "If I leave my home, I might forget how much my mom needs Jesus" so he didn't call the authorities!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! In Arkansas, it is a CRIME not to report child abuse! He told that story several times like he was proud of what he did! And no one said anything!

 

6.The Gideons came through and one of their reps told a story of being in, like a leper colony, overseas and when he told those leper kids about jesus, they cried even though they had no eyes in their eye sockets. I call bullshit on that one!

 

7. As a child, we were indoctrinated to give money to the church. Lots of money. They would tell us kids stories like "Johnny had been saving up his money for a whole year to buy a bicycle he wanted. A missionary came to Johnny's church and talked about the need for churches in China. Johnny gave all his money he had saved to that missionary. On his birthday, Johnny recieved a shiny, new 10-speed bike from his grandma! Even better than the one he was going to buy! See kids? When you give money to Jesus, God always rewards you!"

 

8. My youth pastor told us girls to take a Bible on our dates and put the Bible between us and our date. Seriously.

 

9. Sex will make you feel used, dirty and guilty. Guys will do anything to get you to have sex and then they will abandon you. Sex is really dangerous. Condoms don't work. If you have sex before you're married, it will ruin your life. God sees you as married to the first person you have sex with. The best thing a woman can offer her husband is her virginity.

 

10. A Christian should not have a close friend who is "unsaved."

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Darkside,

 

All I can say is

 

OH

 

MY

 

GAWD.

 

If I hadn't grown up in a church where people said crap like that all the time, I would not believe you. But I do believe you. I can totally see some jack@$$ saying that.

 

OH

 

MY

 

GAWD.

 

*shakes head*

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