Weirdest Things Your Former Pastor Said

[gypsy79]

If you have sex before you're married, it will ruin your life.

 

Damn. I guess my life was ruined and I don't even realize it. LOL. My husband's life too. Damn. And those other poor people we slept with before marriage who seem just fine. Oh gawd, we are all ruined.

 

The best thing a woman can offer her husband is her virginity.

 

Good Lord (excuse the pun) it pisses me off when preachers say that. If my husband thought that the best thing I could have offered him, then I wouldn't have married his sorry ass. Luckily, he is not a sorry ass and knows virginity doesn't mean squat and I have much more important things to offer, so I lub him.

[hereticzero]

I have to say the hard-line Baptist doctrine of no premarital sex. It made me more curious as to what all the fuss was about. Thanks to some church-going gals, I eventually found out!

 

The pastors at the churches I went to growing up, did not explain away the dinosaur fossils. The preachers instead told us to have faith that these mysteries would be explained in time. My father was generally the preacher at most churches I went to and although he towed the So. Baptist doctrines he was a thinker and tried desperately to tie science and biblical stories together to show a comparison. I think he was somewhere near disbelief himself but could not bring himself to leave the faith.

 

There are dinosaur tracks west of Lakewood, Colorado, (I've actually seen these and walked along them before they were fenced off) and a church in Denver, I forget who, wanted their members not to drive by them for fear they would be led astray from contrary thoughts of science vs the Bible. (It has been so long ago, I believe they are either on west 6th or west Alameda as you go out of town.)

 

The one doctrine I have always disliked was the one that claimed believers should not have nonbelievers as friends and a believer should leave a nonbelieving spouse, until they repent. I have seen the good Christians destroy more than one family with its 'family values'.

 

There are so many, it is hard to think of the ones that are the weirdest.

[mwc]

Another example I recall wasn't my pastor, it was a guest speaker named David Gibbs, the head of the Christian Law Association. He told our congregation (King James Version only fundy Baptists) a story about a demon-possessed man coming into his office for counseling. As soon as David Gibbs opened his King James bible, the man started shrieking, telling him to close the book because he couldn't stand the light coming out of it. This gave Gibbs an idea. So Gibbs closed the King James bible and got a NIV and opened that. The demon-possessed man said that was much better, the light was very faint. Then Gibbs got a Greek bible with KJV text in the margins and the man complained that there was light coming from the margins (i.e. the KJV is inspired beyond the Greek texts of which it is a translation). Then Gibbs got a Living Bible and opened that. The demon-possessed man started jumping up and down gleefully, exclaiming "We wrote that! We wrote that! That's our book!"

 

David Gibbs presented this as a true story and he had an audience of about 300 people eating it up.

I'm pretty sure this guy came and spoke to my school once...or someone very much like him...back in the 80's. We all (the older crowd...not for the youngins) went into an assembly (for my school this was maybe about 100 people at most) and I recall a story much like this being told. I also remember at least one of my friends commenting afterward how it freaky it would be to see a light like that and all. This shit really does a number on impressionable minds.

 

mwc

[bird28]

Toys and games are pretty harmless, I liked Pokemon, but they scared me enough about it I used to keep my stuff with a bible next to it...

 

Oh and the money to the church thing, yeah, all the churchs I ever went to taught that we would be blessed if we gave money. My poor (literally) grandma gave good chunks of her money to her church and televangelists but never got one blessing back.

[HRDWarrior]

Sadly, I think I've heard the majority of these - didn't hear the KJV story, but most of the legalistic things - yup heard and lived those.

 

Curtosy of our church I had all my He-Man toys thrown away despite the fact they were my favorite toys; was not allowed to take a martial art because of the mysitsism (spl?) - which I find laughable now that I've been in one for a number of years, although my mom's still convinced THAT'S why my views are changing ; wasn't allowed to watch Star Wars because their ideas of the Force were evil; at one time they made me throw away all my Indiana Jones stuff because they felt I was "worshipping" that more than god; oh, ya, and women were below men in so many ways - never could accept that one, but our churches sure tried to force that idea on me!

 

COC - I got stuck going there because the first time we went in it was a decent sermon - well, that was the only decent one I heard, it went downhill from there, finally succumbing to weeks of hearing about how all the other christians were going to hell because they used instruments.

[Skeptic]

5. Marvin Gorman, an evangelist, liked to tell a story about when he was in Louisiana and he and his wife discovered that a young girl in the church was getting physically abused at home. They had obvious physical evidence, the girl's shirt stuck to her bloodied back. "Bro. Gorman" was going to call the authorities but the little girl talked him out of it when she said "If I leave my home, I might forget how much my mom needs Jesus" so he didn't call the authorities!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! In Arkansas, it is a CRIME not to report child abuse! He told that story several times like he was proud of what he did! And no one said anything!

 

I must've missed this the first time I read your post. That is unbelievably disgusting. I'm not even sure where to start with this. At the moment, I'm taking comfort in the fact that, at least to me, this story seems very unrealistic. Maybe it's different for me because I didn't have any physical signs that I was being abused physically by my parents, and this girl did, but, as a kid, if I had found someone who actually believed me and was a mandated reporter, I would not have let the person leave without them first calling either 911 or CPS. I wouldn't be sitting there trying to convince the person not to call the authorities. Maybe I was a different sort of kid, I don't know, but the fact that her back was so bloody that the shirt was sticking to her back, and she was willing to endure that kind of violence just because she didn't want to forget how much her mom needs Jesus, that just doesn't add up in my mind. It sounds made up. The whole "I don't want to leave home because my mom needs Jesus" thing also doesn't sound like something a young girl would say, even one who isn't being brutally physically abused. That sounds like the kind of fake innocent wisdom that adults make up and put in children's mouths. "Out of the mouths of babes" and whatnot. At that age, I wanted my parents away from me. I knew that they didn't actually love me, and I figured out when I was 8 years old that they were physically abusing me. I didn't want to understand them better or for them to "find Jesus" or "see the error of their ways", I just wanted them to leave me the hell alone. Like I said, maybe I was a different sort of kid in that I was more perceptive and aware of what was going on. I don't know. I'm not sure I'd worry about if this pastor really did send a child who was being physically abused back to her abusers, though, because it sounds so fucking fake that I wouldn't be surprised if he got it as a chain email at some point. I'd still judge him for telling a story that is utterly disgusting and praising this little girl for being willing to ENDURE BEING FUCKING BLOODIED ON A REGULAR BASIS just so her mom could find Jesus, and acting like it really happened, but no, I wouldn't be worried that it actually happened, I don't think, unless there was reason to believe that it was real.

[Guest Davka]

4. The wine is Jesus' time was non-alcoholic. (riiiiiight. Whatever you say...)

 

Is that far-fetched? I'm curious to learn more.

Yes, very far-fetched. Wine is what happens to grape juice, unless you drink it right after you squeeze the grapes. Go look at some grapes. See that whitish film on the outside? It rubs off. That's called "smut" (no I'm not joking) and is is, in essence, completely natural yeast. When you crush grapes, you're mixing fructose, water, and yeast. The yeast ferments the fructose and makes alcohol. In fact, it wasn't until 1869 that Thomas Welch figured out that if you pasteurize grape juice, you can keep it from fermenting.

 

There are different words for juice and wine in Hebrew. Wine means wine. It doesn't mean grape juice, it means fermented grape juice. If you want to specify the unfermented fresh stuff, you say "grape juice," just like in English. The Bible makes it very clear in Proverbs that wine is an alcoholic drink:

 

"Wine is a mocker,Strong drink is a brawler, And whoever is led astray by it is not wise." Proverbs 20:1

 

Who has woe?

Who has sorrow?

Who has contentions?

Who has complaints?

Who has wounds without cause?

Who has redness of eyes?

Those who linger long at the wine, Those who go in search of mixed wine.

Do not look on the wine when it is red,

When it sparkles in the cup, When it swirls around smoothly;

At the last it bites like a serpent, And stings like a viper.

Your eyes will see strange things, And your heart will utter perverse things.

Yes, you will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea,

Or like one who lies at the top of the mast, saying:

“ They have struck me, but I was not hurt; They have beaten me, but I did not feel it. When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?”

Proverbs 23:29-35

 

The people who claim that Jesus never drank alcoholic wine start from the premise that drinking alcohol is a sin, and work backwards from there. But when Jesus turned the water into wine at the wedding in Cana, it was not only alcoholic, but the good stuff, because the servants were saying "what's up with our master? Everyone knows you serve the good wine first and then the cheap stuff, but he saved the good stuff for last!"

 

If you've ever thrown a party and served wine, you know that you break out the cheap stuff after everyone's a bit sloshed already, because they won't notice (or care).

[HRDWarrior]

5. Marvin Gorman, an evangelist, liked to tell a story about when he was in Louisiana and he and his wife discovered that a young girl in the church was getting physically abused at home. They had obvious physical evidence, the girl's shirt stuck to her bloodied back. "Bro. Gorman" was going to call the authorities but the little girl talked him out of it when she said "If I leave my home, I might forget how much my mom needs Jesus" so he didn't call the authorities!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! In Arkansas, it is a CRIME not to report child abuse! He told that story several times like he was proud of what he did! And no one said anything!

 

I must've missed this the first time I read your post. That is unbelievably disgusting. I'm not even sure where to start with this. At the moment, I'm taking comfort in the fact that, at least to me, this story seems very unrealistic. Maybe it's different for me because I didn't have any physical signs that I was being abused physically by my parents, and this girl did, but, as a kid, if I had found someone who actually believed me and was a mandated reporter, I would not have let the person leave without them first calling either 911 or CPS. I wouldn't be sitting there trying to convince the person not to call the authorities. Maybe I was a different sort of kid, I don't know, but the fact that her back was so bloody that the shirt was sticking to her back, and she was willing to endure that kind of violence just because she didn't want to forget how much her mom needs Jesus, that just doesn't add up in my mind. It sounds made up. The whole "I don't want to leave home because my mom needs Jesus" thing also doesn't sound like something a young girl would say, even one who isn't being brutally physically abused. That sounds like the kind of fake innocent wisdom that adults make up and put in children's mouths. "Out of the mouths of babes" and whatnot. At that age, I wanted my parents away from me. I knew that they didn't actually love me, and I figured out when I was 8 years old that they were physically abusing me. I didn't want to understand them better or for them to "find Jesus" or "see the error of their ways", I just wanted them to leave me the hell alone. Like I said, maybe I was a different sort of kid in that I was more perceptive and aware of what was going on. I don't know. I'm not sure I'd worry about if this pastor really did send a child who was being physically abused back to her abusers, though, because it sounds so fucking fake that I wouldn't be surprised if he got it as a chain email at some point. I'd still judge him for telling a story that is utterly disgusting and praising this little girl for being willing to ENDURE BEING FUCKING BLOODIED ON A REGULAR BASIS just so her mom could find Jesus, and acting like it really happened, but no, I wouldn't be worried that it actually happened, I don't think, unless there was reason to believe that it was real.

 

It may seem far fetched, and very well may be made up, but when my mother was dealing with violence issues from my father (even very serious threats that he would shoot her and put her in a hospital if she didn't shape up) we had SEVERAL pastors, and even two entire churches, tell my mother she would be in sin if she left him because she needed to stay to convert him. Of course, none of these people confronted my father. My mother stayed for a number of years, I finally convinced to her get the heck out of there, and with my help, she finally left.

 

I literally sat there as my mother was told that she would have to endure whatever violence my father inflicted because that was her burden for God/Jesus/whatever. They said he could beat her within an inch of her life and she had to stay, that the only reasonable cause for her to leave was if he committed adultry and she could prove it, or if he killed her (ya, that helps). For far too long my mother endured his abuse (some physical, extremely emotionally abusive, and his temper only got worse over the years) because of what "the church" was telling her. Thankfully she eventually managed to get out of there, but not before the damage was done. After 25 years of marriage, I doubt she will ever fully recover - the emotional scars are still present in her day to day life, although she's at least moved on from my father and gotten over him. I tend to not think about those times too often, as they were a very dark time in my family's life, but this reminded me far too well of the insanity they call christianity.

 

The really sad part of this is that my mother still clings to Christianity, although she cannot find a church, or even group, that she is happy with, but still clings to those beliefs. I'm sure she's scared to let it go, it's one thing to get over a physically violent relationship and say the heck with the people who say you should stay, it's another to give up your fire insurance. I feel for her, but it's her journey, not mine, I only offer her the insight I've gotten without breaking her heart even further (by telling her of my deconversion directly).

[Skeptic]

It may seem far fetched, and very well may be made up, but when my mother was dealing with violence issues from my father (even very serious threats that he would shoot her and put her in a hospital if she didn't shape up) we had SEVERAL pastors, and even two entire churches, tell my mother she would be in sin if she left him because she needed to stay to convert him. Of course, none of these people confronted my father. My mother stayed for a number of years, I finally convinced to her get the heck out of there, and with my help, she finally left. I literally sat there as my mother was told that she would have to endure whatever violence my father inflicted because that was her burden for God/Jesus/whatever. They said he could beat her within an inch of her life and she had to stay, that the only reasonable cause for her to leave was if he committed adultry and she could prove it, or if he killed her (ya, that helps).

 

I've heard of such things happening. I can't even begin to describe how utterly disgusting it is that anyone would say that to your mother. I was under the mistaken impression that the people in question, both in this scenario and the one about the girl who was being physically abused, were human beings. Apparently, that is not the case. I'm still not entirely sure how plausible the story was about the girl, but after reading this, it seems a lot more likely.

[mwc]

The really sad part of this is that my mother still clings to Christianity, although she cannot find a church, or even group, that she is happy with, but still clings to those beliefs. I'm sure she's scared to let it go, it's one thing to get over a physically violent relationship and say the heck with the people who say you should stay, it's another to give up your fire insurance. I feel for her, but it's her journey, not mine, I only offer her the insight I've gotten without breaking her heart even further (by telling her of my deconversion directly).

I imagine your mom believes that your dad will "get his" in the next life (even if he claims to believe as well "divine justice" will prevail as earthly justice failed so miserably). So she will get a magical do-over where things are perfect and he will suffer like he should. I'm sure, in fact I know, people that stick to this way of thinking and if they abandon their beliefs then what? They got the shit beat out of them for X years, lived a life of crap and the other person got away with it. They lived for shit to die and rot. They other person treated them like shit and got away with it to die and rot. What was the point? And I think this is why xians can't ever find the point of life without "god." They often live in lives with questions like this hanging over their heads and without the "next life" they've got no purpose. No way to go from day to day. Certainly no reason not to go out and start hurting or killing those people that make their lives shit on a regular basis (even themselves). So they defer to their "god" and pray that their do-over is all they imagine it will be.

 

mwc

[Snakefoot]

I got a question: When and why did God decide that certain of the fauna that HE created were "unclean"?

 

And why does he assign such arbitrarily lesser value as to have them sampled in twos rather than sevens like the "clean" ones?

 

Because unclean animals could not be used in sacrifice rituals. Ergo, when Noah landed after the flood subsided, he had some "extra" clean animals to cook up for gawd.

 

Not that I buy into such bullshit anymore, you understand, that's just the xtian explanation.

[Naughtyhamster]

1. People who were mentally challenged are the only people on this earth free of sin, and do not have to accept Jesus into their hearts or confess sins because they were born pure already.

 

I have had experience through my tutoring job with special education students who swear like sailors, dress like gangsters,talk back to their teachers and tutors, make out in the school restrooms, shop lift, and get themselves kicked out of school for threatening terrorist bombings on their home economics teacher.

 

 

 

2. Children should be sheltered strictly until they are around eight or nine, then around that time you should thrust them harshly into the "real world" by making them watch violent media (secular and Christian), and take them to a morgue to see dead bodies ( especially those who were killed in a gory way) to teach them about life.

 

3. The only exceptions to this media when the kids are eight or nine are shows with "witchcraft" ( i.e. Harry Potter, Buffy,etc) as kids should never be exposed to "The Occult". Still movies like Saving Private Ryan ( which I couldn't even stomach watching when I was twenty two),Schindler's List, Nightmare on Elm Street,Passion of Christ, and any violent gory movie was ok to allow kids from eight and up to watch as they needed to be "educated" and "toughened up" for the "real world".

 

4. People who were mentally ill and/or drug addicts were totally ostracized from the church in the name of "tough love", but any pedophile members ( or anyone involved in domestic violence and physical child abuse) of the congregation were at least allowed to come to the Sunday and Wednesday night Adult Service just as long as they "promised" the pastor not to come on Sunday morning when the families came for the main worship services.

 

5. And the reason people drank wine back then was because to drink plain water would make someone seriously ill due to the bad sanitation practices during these days, and that it was more sanitary to drink wine then due to the fermentation practices killed bacteria. He would compare this to going on a missionary trip to a third world country and having to drink soda and other sugary drinks because it's better to drink tons of calories and sugar from a bottled sanitized drink than get sick from drinking straight water in those countries.

[OpheliaGinger]

My one friend there had access to the keys because his dad was the janitor/ repair man. He told me that he brought girls there to have sex with all the time, had sex on several pews and in the baptismal pool. His brother also held Satanic rituals in the basement. I laughed for days thinking about my pastor's face if he only knew.

 

That is classic. The fact that gawd never told the preacher of all the "sin" that was going on in his house just proves my point that gawd is a pervert--oh and that Satan and gawd are secret lovers.

 

1. People who were mentally challenged are the only people on this earth free of sin, and do not have to accept Jesus into their hearts or confess sins because they were born pure already.

 

There is a verse that prohibits the mentally challenged people from even entering the temple (and that they are demon possessed).

[HRDWarrior]

I literally sat there as my mother was told that she would have to endure whatever violence my father inflicted because that was her burden for God/Jesus/whatever. They said he could beat her within an inch of her life and she had to stay, that the only reasonable cause for her to leave was if he committed adultry and she could prove it, or if he killed her (ya, that helps).

 

Whoever or whatever teaches this is part of a sad, sad cycle of broken families. The marriage covenant survives on the surface, but the inside is rotten to the core. The abuse, the harm in these families is terrible. That which supports and advocates trying harder in any situation that doesn't fit their narrow guidelines is fundamentally sick.

 

Phanta

 

It is sick and sad - the really, really sad part of it is that every church and group that she's gone to since then has told her either directly or indirectly that she was wrong to divorce him and some have so far as to tell her she needs to reconcile and go back to him.

 

Then again, most of the men in these churches either outright say or not-so-subtly suggest that women are below men and "belong" to their husband And the women seem to feel the same way...sad, very sad IMO. My husband's and mine much more equal relationship has been questioned a number of times when we still lived in the area (since we've moved to CA, although we've encountered the same things here).

[decafaholic]

I must've missed this the first time I read your post. That is unbelievably disgusting. I'm not even sure where to start with this. At the moment, I'm taking comfort in the fact that, at least to me, this story seems very unrealistic.

 

You know, it never occurred to me that he might have tweaked the story to make it sound better. Now I don't know why I didn't think of that! I mean, so many things I heard in church turned out to be twisted or false, so why would this be any different?

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

Mine were pretty mellow. Though one of the helpers had the voice of a cartoon character.

[OpheliaGinger]

Mine were pretty mellow. Though one of the helpers had the voice of a cartoon character.

 

Kermit the Frog? Oh wait. But Kermit was once a cartoon character too.

[Insanity personified]

"Pokemon was designed by Chinese communists to weaken the christian foundations of american children" Or something to that effect....I laughed at that even as a rather fragile 8 year old

[Trike]

One that I can remember off the top of my head:

 

My parents, after I had told them that I was not going to go to church for awhile after my deconversion, guilt-tripped me into going with them the next Sunday. A guest pastor was speaking and he started off kinda normally, then plunged head-first into crazy-land. Among the many conspiracies he talked about, the one world government lurking behind the scenes was his favorite of that sermon. He "proved" this by saying something to the effect of:

 

"Now, tell me. When was the first cell phone used? (somebody yells out "Star Trek!" while another says "the 80s!") None of you are correct, any of you Remember "Get Smart? That! His shoe phone was the world's first cell phone. And these people had those way back in the 50s while they only released to us in the last few years!"

 

Apparently the Illuminati, or whoever he was talking about, like to taunt us by showing us technology in tv shows that we will not be privy to for another 40 years or so but that they currently have? I dunno.

[Guest mariposa]

"Pokemon was designed by Chinese communists to weaken the christian foundations of american children" Or something to that effect....I laughed at that even as a rather fragile 8 year old

 

the same thing was said to us about the smurfs in the 80s. Oh and how they were all obviously living in sin with Smurfette cause she was the only girl in the whole cartoon. And the smurf with the mirror was clearly teaching homosexuality to children.

[etm21]

OH, and that demons and angels literally battle it out in the air all around us...fighting over our souls.

 

 

That's a favorite one at my church.

 

But the craziest stuff comes from our youth group leader, who once said that "God has caused 9-11 and Hurricaine Katrina because his people didn't pray enough. He sent us a message." She also yelled at a girl for greiving over her dead grandmother, saying "We will all meet again in heaven. Stop crying! There's no reason to cry!" and the like, making her feel even worse.

 

Some of the stuff I've read on this thread is just... wow. I didn't know ignorance this deep existed.

[Kyle]

One that I can remember off the top of my head:

 

My parents, after I had told them that I was not going to go to church for awhile after my deconversion, guilt-tripped me into going with them the next Sunday. A guest pastor was speaking and he started off kinda normally, then plunged head-first into crazy-land. Among the many conspiracies he talked about, the one world government lurking behind the scenes was his favorite of that sermon. He "proved" this by saying something to the effect of:

 

"Now, tell me. When was the first cell phone used? (somebody yells out "Star Trek!" while another says "the 80s!") None of you are correct, any of you Remember "Get Smart? That! His shoe phone was the world's first cell phone. And these people had those way back in the 50s while they only released to us in the last few years!"

 

Apparently the Illuminati, or whoever he was talking about, like to taunt us by showing us technology in tv shows that we will not be privy to for another 40 years or so but that they currently have? I dunno.

 

:lmao Where can I get one of those shoe phones????? That is hilarious. How did you not laugh out loud?

[Naughtyhamster]

"Pokemon was designed by Chinese communists to weaken the christian foundations of american children" Or something to that effect....I laughed at that even as a rather fragile 8 year old

 

 

the same thing was said to us about the smurfs in the 80s. Oh and how they were all obviously living in sin with Smurfette cause she was the only girl in the whole cartoon. And the smurf with the mirror was clearly teaching homosexuality to children.

 

 

At the church I went to Poke'Mon and Smurfs were ok, but any cartoons,books,movies, or TV shows which had to do with "Witchcraft", like Harry Potter, were verboten. This pastor actually said he would prefer little kids to be into Teletubbies as there wasn't anything "Satanic" about this show or the merchandise.

 

However, the pastor and his brother once brought dozens of Stephen King novels, and the accompanying videos, to sell at a church bazaar. He and his wife were moving into a smaller house and he was getting rid of his extra copies of Kings novels he had collected over the years. On the other hand he threw out a bag of Harry Potter books that another member of the congregation brought in as he said the books might "offend" people due to the "Satanism" in that series.

[★ Citsonga ★]

One silly thing that I remember from probably about 20 years ago was a guest preacher using 1 Samuel 3:3 as his sermon text. He used the phrase, "Ere the lamp of God went out," even accenting the word "ere," and proceeded to give a message about how they shouldn't have let the lamp burn out and how we shouldn't let our lamp burn out (figuratively, of course). I guess this uneducated goofball didn't realize that the word "ere" means BEFORE! Haha, the text was saying that the fire had not yet gone out, and he completely missed the point. According to Exodus 27:20-21, the lamp was supposed to burn from evening until morning, so the statement in 1 Sam 3:3 was probably just an indication that it was still nighttime. But, oh, what a fire-&-brimstone sermon he cooked up over that little phrase!

 

Interestingly, even then as a Christian, I thought this guy needed an education, but he moved around and hollered enough in his message that the old-timers there thought he was a great preacher. LOL....

[Googledotman]

When I was getting out Christianity, I would ask questions about homosexuality, hell, free will, and God's Power, and I got some pretty fucked up answers. Some of them would go as far to say it is better to be a saved SERIAL RAPIST that it is being a unsaved humanitarian. Odd huh?