Wasted 20's...finding Who I Am

[cobrakai]

Hi everybody,

 

It has been awhile since my last post and I have only posted twice before during the fall. Excuse me if I ramble, I get so flustered when i start writing about this stuff. Over the months I have become increasingly comfortable with rejecting Christianity and accepting that I am now an atheist. My last hurdle was getting over the fear of a hell. One of my main sources of inspiration has been the documentary " The God Who Wasn't There". An interesting and brief film but it has tons of commentaries and resources to check out. Anyway, here is what I am dealing with now. I became "born again" when I was 18 and probably a couple more times in my early 20s. I am 28 now soon to be 29. The hardest thing for me lately is getting over the regret that I have towards my own life. I feel like I truly wasted a time in my life when life experiences were so important and so key in growing as a person. Instead I spent most of my time pondering the right and wrong of every move I made. Always pondering God, trying to rationalize it all in my head instead of going out with friends and having a good time. I think of all the relationships I let crumble because of self-righteousness or just being afraid of going to bars or just out in general because something I might do would be "wrong". Going to friggin bible studies for fun or if I did go to a party I was always the guy who couldn't just loosen up a bit. The biggest regret of all is sex. To clarify, NOT having sex. Yes thats right. 28 year old male and still a virgin. I literally get angry thinking of all the opportunity I had to fulfill this strong desire. I am not even talking about just sleeping around, I am talking about loving and committed relationships where there was always the ripe thickness of sexual tension in the air. Thinking back, it was so unhealthy. To deny yourself something for so long that your body obviously needs. It pisses me off. Rejecting what couldve been these great moments in life all for an invisible man in the sky. The hard part about this is not knowing your place. As much as I know I could never go back to christianity I also don't know where I belong now. My faith was my identity and now I don't even know who I am. I think of dating in " the world" as christians love to call it and it freaks me out to be honest. It used to be so easy to meet somebody at church or on a christian website. I pretty much had it down to a formula. Now I feel lost. I'm just looking for people to share similar experiences to this one, and advice on how you got through it. I'm also curious to hear from some people on what their first "secular" relationship was like after leaving the christian world. Thanks for listening.

 

-MW

[Guest Davka]

Dude.

 

You are young. Seriously.

 

Most of us waste our 20s in one way or another, doing things we then live to regret - if we're lucky. Your thirties are in many ways the best time of your life, because you're old enough to have learned a thing or two, but still young enough to party.

 

All I'm saying is, don't waste time on regrets over what might have been. You've got most of your life in front of you, and whether you are aware of it or not right now, some of the painful lessons you've learned will come in handy in the years to come. You screwed up, you woke up, it's over now. So get out there and LIVE!

 

If all you want is to lose your virginity, the nearest bar will probably do. And maybe it's not such a bad idea to get that out of your system so you can go forward with a spring in your step and a gleam in your eye. But whatever you do, keep looking forward, not back. You learned a valuable lesson earlier than many.

[Franko47]

Yeah, like the above poster mentions, don't get feeling too bad about this. Should have seen my bullshit when I was in my 20's. And I wasn't even being controlled that much by religious belief.

 

Sometimes I would pass up an interesting sexual encounter because I was just a bit chicken. Can you believe that ? I was a little sexually repressed in my 20's, but I realize now that I was just being idealistic. I wanted to meet my perfect "soul mate", and I was under the delusion that the other couples that I knew were just so happy and perfect together, and that I had to follow some sort of rigid guidelines in order to get the same thing.

 

We all have to go through substantial bullshit in our life before we start sorting things out. It took me well into my thirties for me to realize that I was being too idealistic, too perfectionistic, and putting people up on pedestals and stuff.

 

Now it sounds like you've entered the "cynical" stage. Good. Explore that too, it's a helpful stage to weed out a lot of the BS you've been given through your earlier life. My nephew just went throught his stuff. Now he's into the "mellow" state of resolution, and starting to feal some ease in his life.

 

You'll be OK. As time goes on you will start to define yourself by what you believe, and what kind of a person you want to be. Don't beat on yourself over this, because the joy is in finally thinking for yourself and finally "getting outside the box". It's nice out here, and lots of cool things await.

 

Peace.

[OpheliaGinger]

You may have wasted 10 years, but you have around 60 more to go (give or take).

[I Broke Free]

Whether you wasted your 20’s in church or partying until dawn every weekend, most of us look back and realize that most of our youth was spent “finding ourselves” and not at all living a life that we would do over again. I left Christianity and faith behind at the age of 18, but I still wasted my 20’s being wasted. Finding oneself is not a series of events that builds upon previous experiences; instead it is a painful (and often humiliating) series of experiences to find out who we are not.

[PaulQ]

If you learned from those experiences, and they contributed to you being a better person today, then the time was not wasted; it was a valuable asset to your being. As for the notion of wasting time, age is just a number. At 37, I find myself starting over again with going back to school and starting a new career. There really is no age limit on when you can start over and reinvent yourself; the last time I went to College, there were people in their 50's studying a program to start a new career. You too will come to appreciate the variety of experiences you will have in your life when you're older.

[bdp]

I wasted my 20's AND 30's, and was a virgin past 40. You're doing better than I did/am.

[dagnarus]

Hello I'm in a somewhat similiar position to you. Except I missed out on only my early twenties (If you can really call it missing out on them). And I had similiar worries. That said I'd agree with the others here in saying that there is really no point in regreting what we did or didn't do. We just need to look forward to what we can do with that which we still have and learn from what we have previously done.

 

That said I have noticed that all the responses to this thread have focused on the matter of whether your twenties were waisted or not. I would personally be interested in whether people have answers to the questions you asked at the end of your post.

 

The hard part about this is not knowing your place. As much as I know I could never go back to christianity I also don't know where I belong now. My faith was my identity and now I don't even know who I am. I think of dating in " the world" as christians love to call it and it freaks me out to be honest. It used to be so easy to meet somebody at church or on a christian website. I pretty much had it down to a formula. Now I feel lost. I'm just looking for people to share similar experiences to this one, and advice on how you got through it. I'm also curious to hear from some people on what their first "secular" relationship was like after leaving the christian world. Thanks for listening.

 

I would be kind of interested in answers to these.

[decafaholic]

Well, on one hand, yes you spent your most of your 20's in sexual suppression. On the other hand, I personally know people who are in worse situations because they did the polar opposite:

 

Male friend A: is in his midtwenties and HIV positive, most likely because of his sexual exploration in college.

Male friend B: Accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant when he was in Jr. high. She had an abortion. He's 18 now and it still haunts him. He also recently had a scare where he thought he got a girl pregnant via random drunken hookup, but the baby turned out to be concieved by another guy.

 

Male acquaintance C: age 30. His girlfriend is currently pregnant and it wasn't on purpose. He knows he's not in a place right now where he can be a father.

Male friend D: accidentally got his live-in girlfriend pregnant. Turned out she had been cheating on him and was basically psycho so he broke up with her. She is married now living a thousand miles away and he hardly gets to see his son that he loves.

Female friend A: used a condom, got herpes anyway. Her medication is expensive and it can only be treated, not cured.

 

I'm not an abstinance nut, but it seems that a lot of people make mistakes in their 20's that end up costing them a lot.

I know you feel like you wasted time, but maybe you dodged a bullet.

[Guest Christi]

The hard part about this is not knowing your place. As much as I know I could never go back to christianity I also don't know where I belong now. My faith was my identity and now I don't even know who I am. I think of dating in " the world" as christians love to call it and it freaks me out to be honest. It used to be so easy to meet somebody at church or on a christian website. I pretty much had it down to a formula. Now I feel lost. I'm just looking for people to share similar experiences to this one, and advice on how you got through it. I'm also curious to hear from some people on what their first "secular" relationship was like after leaving the christian world. Thanks for listening.

 

 

My husband and I are going through a similar phase in our lives. We're both in our early twenties and he has recently joined me in 'the dark side'. For a while now, we've been having trouble finding our niche. We both had coworkers that we could chat with, but none of those really good friends we had through high school/college. A lot of the ones we had sort of drifted off after we got married and bought a house. Now, my husband is naturally anti-social so it didn't really seem to bother him that we didn't go out with other people a lot. After all, he had his podcasts and his blogs to follow. But I have always been a social person and I was becoming desperate for interaction. I didn't really know anyone else in my situation and I wasn't aware of all the secular sites that are out there, so I turned to books. I read about a half dozen secular books, right now I'm reading Carl Sagan's Demon Haunted World, and I found that a lot of secularists felt isolated by their beliefs at first. Then I read Parenting Beyond Belief by Dale McGowen and I found a lot of reassurance. It was weird reading it as an adult with no children (we're trying to wait to start a family until my husband finishes grad school) but it was so comforting. The book was written for secular parents, but I think it also helps new free thinkers as well. When we first deconverted we find ourselves in unknown territory, we were like the new kids at school. The Parenting book provided us with answers that we needed and it gave us info on places to go if we wanted to meet other free thinkers. That's how we found the North Texas Church of Free Thought. We started actively participating about two months ago and we're slowly but surely forging new friendships. They also have singles group that meets pretty regularly. We were also able to find atheist meetup groups on meetups.com.

 

As for our relationship, I think it's gotten stronger. We have this wonderful thing to bond around and talk about. It's opened tons of new topics for conversation and areas of interest. It's also allowing us to be more active in volunteering in our community, which I love to do. I'm starting to feel a little less lost. And I've also felt more drive to pursue goals that I had given up on in the past.

 

Basically, don't lose hope.

[Malcolm Hutton]

Though repeating what all are saying, I sense that you need all the encouragement that we can give you, so again, You have not wasted your early years. You will have learned so much about other people and how to behave in life. I believe that we have a life plan and yours will not have been a mistake, whatsoever.

 

Do not think for one moment that you have missed out on some good relationship. You may well have been saved from some terrible attachment that could have left you with a bad complex. Instead of regretting, be thankful that you enjoy good health and have so much to look forward to.

 

I grew up in such a different world. As far as I knew in my teens, one always waited until married, and it was so difficult to meet or get close to anyone of the opposite sex. There was a shyness that was like a great barrier, and you hardly ever heard a swear word.

 

My first marriage started off well enough, and I would have honoured it to the end of my days. That wasn't to be. In 1987, after 30 years of marriage, she had an affair with one of our friends. His wife still harbours the utmost hatred for my ex. But I have a wonderful daughter and son, and three grandchildren from that marriage.

 

I really didn't find out how good a loving relationship could be until I met my second wife, Ede in 1988. We married in 1989 and were together for 19 years until I lost her in May 2007 when Ede passed away.

 

I have married a third time at my late age. Though I still miss Ede terribly, I know that she is close by, and that life goes on. It doesn't end in your Seventies, so as I see it, you have so much in front of you.

 

You will find all kinds of new interests, and your Christian experience will remind you to never make any of them your one and only interest, or get to deeply involved.

 

I wish you all the best for your future and heaps of Good Luck. Malcolm

[decafaholic]

I'm curious as to why dating "in the world" scares you. Could you narrow it down to some specific fears?

[Vomit Comet]

Hey, I know exactly what you feel. I lost my viriginity at age 28, about a month before I deconverted. Despite what several others have said in this thread, I have been kicking myself ever since (I'm 30 now) and might be for some time. Yeah, everyone wastes their 20s: your point? When I read that line, my first thought is "easy for you to say, pal."

 

I'd have much rather wasted it having fun and getting laid, that's for goddamn sure. "I had a bad day." Oh, because you got a dent on your car? Or because somebody lit your car on fire with your dog inside? Put things into proper perspective, for Christ's sake. A man's 20s spent with Father God's prick up his ass are pitifully wasted; a man's 20s spent having fun, and doing what he wants with his own prick, are properly wasted. And that's the truth, I guaran-goddamn-tee it.

 

The best you can do is to start making up for it now. Within reason, of course. Find a woman that you wanna fuck who wants to fuck you too, and fuck fuck fuck like your life depends on it. And while you're fuckin' her, be on the lookout for more women that wanna fuck. Also find a crowd who still likes to drink and have fun even though they're closer to 30 than 20. Not everybody turns boring when they hit 25, that's for sure. It's not too late to create some fun memories to look back on. I have. It should have been much much more than what I now have, but I at least have something. Before I told Jesus to fuck off, I didn't have shit.

[AKR]

There's more to life than sex and going to parties. I don't think you really missed out on much but unwanted pregnancies and STD's. I never went to parties in my 20's (29 now, and basically an Atheist since 17) and I had very little sex and I don't regret it. Relationships tend to crumble anyways, self-righteous attitude or not. Just be happy that you have no STD's and didn't end up marrying some chick or having to pay child support because you knocked someone up. I'm not saying it would be wrong of you to sleep around now or have sex with gf's, but there are positive sides to not having sex. Regardless of whether or not you're 20 or 50, you're going to have a hard time all of your life finding your place in a mostly religious country. I've been an Atheist for about 12 years and I still don't fit in anywhere. You probably had a better social life as a Christian than many of us Atheists have had.

[gypsy79]

Vomit, please won't you be my neighbor?

 

I think my actual neighbors are still pissed off at me after an "incident" a couple of weeks ago. I don't know, something about getting wasted on the back porch all night long and being too loud and our friend puking in the landscaping. We should probably have moved into a less expensive neighborhood without all these xian stay at home soccer moms and HOA rules. Talk about not fitting in!!!

 

To the OP, I agree that Vomit has a very good point. It's going to piss you off no matter what, probably. But I also agree with him and the others that it's not too late to do what you want now (whatever that happens to be). I know what you mean about finding your place being hard. I'm finding that difficult as well because my husband is still a weak believer (or maybe he's a deist, who knows). One way I've handled it is to join an atheist meetup group in my area. You can meet some really fun people that way and it's relatively safe if they're meeting in public places like bars or restaurants. I don't really have a first "secular" relationship to tell about because I've always kind of been a rebel, even when I was an xian. Plenty of secular relationships and behaviors all while having very contradictory, fundamental beliefs.

 

Best wishes.

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

Most of us waste our 20s in one way or another, doing things we then live to regret - if we're lucky. Your thirties are in many ways the best time of your life, because you're old enough to have learned a thing or two, but still young enough to party.

 

All I'm saying is, don't waste time on regrets over what might have been. You've got most of your life in front of you, and whether you are aware of it or not right now, some of the painful lessons you've learned will come in handy in the years to come. You screwed up, you woke up, it's over now. So get out there and LIVE!

 

That's a good point. I can understand the frustraition because i'm pushing 30 and in no-job Hell right now, stuck in my hometown (not that I'm ungreatful for my parents letting me live with them) that has not much to offer instead of gaming on Saturdays. Same goes for virginity, because I knew I helped screw up some potiental relationships because I was so scared that it would be "the wrong person" and everything will be a mess if I lose it to that one.

[Midnight-mindwanderings]

This topic interests me. I have just begun my 20s (I am 22) but I have "wasted" none of it being Christian. I am already married so I will not be spreading my wild seeds. I can't really give you advice, but don't think of parts of your life as wasted.

 

As far as secular dating goes... it sounds scary to me too. I mean, my husband has been atheist since I met him, but we met in high school and thats a very different environment. My mom never dated through the church but she seemed to do okay at it. She joined some online service, met a lot of guys, got serious with two all together (not at the same time). Thing with secular dating is there is not a lot of initial pressure. If they are not what you are looking for, it doesn't take long to find out and you can cut it off no strings attached. I guess I would say to try to approach it as fun, be honest with yourself and the people you date and see what happens.