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Goodbye Jesus

My Eyes Open


Ozymandias

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Well, it's been a long road for me. It might not be the most exciting story ever told, but it's definitely one full of twists and turns. I have wanted to write it out for a bit, but it took a little while to work up the courage.

 

I grew up in a Christian family, though not necessarily a church-going one. My parents were (and are) deeply spiritual, and I always knew we were a "Christian family." Faith was something that just made sense- I remember asking Jesus into my heart at the age of 5. I told a girl in my kindergarden class that Christmas was for Jesus, not Santa (and in doing so broke to her the truth of Santa's non-existence...). Luckily my parents let me go through the public school system, and thus I didn't suffer from the sheltered upbringing many of my other Christian friends did.

 

I didn't really pick up an active spiritual life, however, until the end of high school. A girlfriend of mine (who was Mormon) wanted me to join her church, and I ended up reexamining the faith I grew up with. I recommitted myself to Christ, joined a local Baptist church, and found a new reason for living. It was a great time for me: the church was filled with very loving people, life suddenly made a lot more sense, and I had purpose. I felt moved to look into ordained ministry, and I entered college fully expecting to continue the track towards becoming a pastor. Against the will of my pastor I decided to attend a large public university, expecting to study the religions of the world so to better spread the Gospel.

 

Church filled up my early college life. I engaged in campus ministry, led a Bible study, and went to weekly prayer groups. My social circle was church, my dating pool was church, my life was essentially church. On the other hand, even then I had beef with the way many Christian groups operated. I had little problems with women being in ordained ministry, and thus I cringed at the misogynist activities of fundamentalists. I also had the hardest time "witnessing" to others, an activity that always felt hollow and forced. But I pressed on, because I thought I was working towards the bettering of God's kingdom.

 

As the years went on, however, cracks began to appear in my steadfast faith. I joined the Episcopal Church after my opinions on homosexuality changed: I had too many gay and lesbian friends who lived wonderful, loving lives to condemn them as miscreants. This caused some waves in my conservative circle of friends, and I gradually made friends with a wide array of mostly liberal, Christian and non-Christian folks. These friends helped me open my eyes to the diversity of life-experiences and values in the world, and I began to ask the questions I had always avoided.

 

Namely, as a Religious Studies major, I could find nothing uniquely compelling in the Christian faith. I realized that, if I had been born in Indonesia or Iran, I would have little issue being Buddhist or Muslim. My concentration turned out to be Islamic Studies, which freaked out quite a few folks. I never really entertained the idea of converting to Islam: I just found (and still do find) the theology and culture of the Islamic world fascinating. But when one can no longer point to a certain faith and find it alluring, the questions mount all the faster.

 

As the uniqueness and authority of Christianity began to wane, my very belief in a God did as well. I began to read Dawkins, Hitchens, Nietzsche, and other thinkers who differed from my usual Christian fare. Oddly enough, I found many of their arguments compelling, and the theistic understanding of the world continued to become foreign to my mind. The world still made sense when I removed the Christian God from the mix- indeed, it made more sense as a result. After much guilt and confusion, I removed myself from the ordination process in the Episcopal church and instead entered Grad School as an Islamic Studies MA student.

 

So far, my deconversion has been fairly secretive. I had already accepted a position as the chaplain of a Christian summer camp by the time I became and strong Agnostic, and thus can't really come out and express my disbelief until the summer ends. I can't help but feel like a hypocrite much of the time, especially while praying, but I can't afford to walk out on this job either. Most people I've told have been supportive, though my girlfriend (a devout Christian) has had the most problems. Few others know the changes I've gone through: so much of my life is still enmeshed in the Christian tradition, due to surroundings and friends, that it'll take time to reshape it all. I feel a need for external and internal integrity, though, that requires such changes to take place. The end of the summer will be a coming-out party of sorts.

 

I have to say, though, that I now have hope like never before. Life is sweeter without a heavenly tyrant judging my every thought and action. I see people now, not as hopeless sinners, but fellow human beings just trying to figure it all out. My own ethics, morality, and other aspects of thought and life are also undergoing vast changes, as the Christian base it was all built upon is replaced. It's not an easy process, but it is an honest one. And that's what I need most in life.

 

Thank you for your time and attention, and for the gift the community here provides. I look forward to my time with you all.

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... I told a girl in my kindergarden class that Christmas was for Jesus, not Santa (and in doing so broke to her the truth of Santa's non-existence...).

...

Welcome Ozy,

 

It's kind of funny, you tell the girl that Santa doesn't exists, but the real Christmas is about Jesus... Amazing how perpetuated beliefs can paint one imaginary person as real and the other as fantasy.

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:)

I have to say, though, that I now have hope like never before. Life is sweeter without a heavenly tyrant judging my every thought and action. I see people now, not as hopeless sinners, but fellow human beings just trying to figure it all out. My own ethics, morality, and other aspects of thought and life are also undergoing vast changes, as the Christian base it was all built upon is replaced. It's not an easy process, but it is an honest one. And that's what I need most in life.

 

:) Sweet! Happy for you. You sound like you have a strong resolve and have an optimistic attitude, and though like you said it isn't the easiest of transitions, the fact that you are being true to yourself, it's worth it. Thanks for sharing your story.

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As the uniqueness and authority of Christianity began to wane, my very belief in a God did as well. I began to read Dawkins, Hitchens, Nietzsche, and other thinkers who differed from my usual Christian fare. Oddly enough, I found many of their arguments compelling, and the theistic understanding of the world continued to become foreign to my mind. The world still made sense when I removed the Christian God from the mix- indeed, it made more sense as a result.

 

Welcome, Ozymandias (love the name, btw)! I felt so weird one day when I suddenly realized that the theistic understanding of the world that I had grown up with, suddenly seemed so bizarre and foreign to me, but I am so glad the change happened.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I felt so weird one day when I suddenly realized that the theistic understanding of the world that I had grown up with, suddenly seemed so bizarre and foreign to me, but I am so glad the change happened.

 

Exactly. It's like a veil being lifted... though working as a chaplain for one last month, I have to repeatedly act like the veil is still in place.

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I felt so weird one day when I suddenly realized that the theistic understanding of the world that I had grown up with, suddenly seemed so bizarre and foreign to me, but I am so glad the change happened.

 

Same here. I had gone through some severe depression while I was questioning things, but after I realized that I really didn't believe any form of Christianity anymore, it became so obvious that the religious stuff is just superstitious nonsense. I now have a sense of mental freedom from the shackles of brainwashing.

 

Exactly. It's like a veil being lifted... though working as a chaplain for one last month, I have to repeatedly act like the veil is still in place.

 

Just one month from freedom, right? :woohoo:

 

I don't know how you do it, though. I stepped down from teaching Sunday School when I was seriously questioning my faith, and I honestly don't think I could have filled the roll of Chaplain after completely rejecting religion. But that's me....

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Welcome to the forum - it's interesting how the ability to actually study other religions really makes one question the faith we once claimed. I went through a similar comparison, and love philosophy now that I can enjoy it without the confines of religios ideas. I haven't "come out" to everyone yet either, although the people closest to me and or the most open minded are aware of my views and how they've changed.

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I don't know how you do it, though. I stepped down from teaching Sunday School when I was seriously questioning my faith, and I honestly don't think I could have filled the roll of Chaplain after completely rejection religion. But that's me....

 

Good question. Initially, I felt like the biggest hypocrite (which happens every now and then). But since I work with very young kids, for the most part, I get to gloss over stuff. So far, the theme of the summer has been "Learning to respect the diversity in belief all around you" :wicked: Which gets by at a mainline Christian camp. Hopefully the next generation can open its mind a wee bit more as a result.

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I don't know how you do it, though. I stepped down from teaching Sunday School when I was seriously questioning my faith, and I honestly don't think I could have filled the roll of Chaplain after completely rejecting religion. But that's me....

 

Good question. Initially, I felt like the biggest hypocrite (which happens every now and then). But since I work with very young kids, for the most part, I get to gloss over stuff. So far, the theme of the summer has been "Learning to respect the diversity in belief all around you" :wicked: Which gets by at a mainline Christian camp. Hopefully the next generation can open its mind a wee bit more as a result.

 

Ah, that's cool. Good luck in planting a thinking seed in these kids.

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