Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

Childhood Memories


decafaholic

Recommended Posts

I woke up this morning with the same level of mental illness I had before de-converting. I had a nightmare all night in which I was constantly afraid I was going to be shot.

Then as I woke up, a name came to my mind and I haven't been able to shake it. It's the name of a person I went to elementary school with. Haven't seen her since I was 10, so that was 12 years ago. I was pretty mean to her when we were kids. Made her cry quite a bit. Then she moved to another state and everyone, even extended family, lost contact with her.

 

When I was in high school, a big theme in my Christian circle was making amends, reaching out to people you hurt in the past. I tried really hard to find her in high school but to no avail. I was freakishly depressed about it too. My mom sat me down and talked to me one day and was like "You have got to stop worrying about this."

 

That was years ago, and now this morning, her name came to my mind, and I feel like I'm back in high school. I guess I need some sort of closure. Some way to make peace with that part of my past. After some searching, I found her profile on Facebook today, but I didn't contact her. Mostly because I know I'm not thinking straight right now.

 

Logically, I know that elementary school was a long time ago. I also know that this wanting closure is for my benefit only. I seriously doubt she even thinks about our decade-past interactions anymore.

 

I need closure. What can I do to get that?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Part of me wants to says 'what's done is done'...that's normally how I move on.

 

But if this is bothering you enough then why not contact her and apologize, her reaction could be anything depending on her memories and personality. But at least you'd have a new emotion from her other than ancient guilt.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I...kinda...know how you feel. I used to bully a girl in elementary school because everyone--literally--was also bullying her. We bullied her so horrendously that she had to move to another school. I have also wanted to apologize to her since I have no idea how bad, or good, her life has been since moving. I'm hoping she will have a profile on either facebook or myspace, if she is still alive. As for why we bullied her, I don't have the slightest clue; she was portly and wore what look like hand-me-downs from the 80's, but other than that, I have no clue.

 

I say go ahead and contact this person once you can think clearly and have calmed down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had a nightmare all night in which I was constantly afraid I was going to be shot.

 

Ugh. Nightmares are awful in and of themselves, but ones that have that palpable undercurrent of terror are the absolute worst. I both sympathize and empathize with you because I have nightmares like that.

 

Logically, I know that elementary school was a long time ago. I also know that this wanting closure is for my benefit only. I seriously doubt she even thinks about our decade-past interactions anymore. I need closure. What can I do to get that?

 

I would contact her. Something similar happened with me, actually. I had a friend in high school who I felt that I had wronged. It took a lot of searching, but I found her sister on Facebook and asked her for my friend's phone number. I called her and apologized, and I felt so much better after that. Even if the closure is only for your benefit, what's bad about that? It's better than years of guilt. Maybe the closure wouldn't just be for your benefit. I'm not trying to pile more guilt on you when I say this, but maybe she does remember what happened in elementary school. I remember all of the people who would pick on me in grade school and if any of them called me or wrote me a message on Facebook apologizing for picking on me, I'd be happy about it. The friend who I contacted was happy that I called her and she was surprised that I did, so it might work out for you. You can never really know until you try.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well... let me offer a story from the other side of the fence, if it will be of any use.

 

Over the years I've had a few crappy relationships with some abusive men. Some pretty awful shit, too: verbal abuse, sexual assault, overall mindfucking... not every guy I dated was like that, but enough were that it did some damage. I never expected any of them to apologize, much less even recognize that they'd been abusive; and though for awhile I wanted them to, after awhile I lost that need.

 

One day, one of my shitty exes surprised me. I hadn't talked to him for years, when out of the blue he sent an email with a sincere, heartfelt apology in it. He acknowledged what an asshole he'd been, owned it, didn't blame me, and let me know that I deserved far better than he had dished out when we were together.

 

Because he was able to do this, he's the only abusive ex I've had that I've ever fully forgiven. Why? He earned it. He grew up, and had the courage to face someone he'd injured, probably knowing that I could just as easily have ripped him several new assholes as accepted his apology. I can't say that we're close friends, or that we ever will be, but nowadays we do keep in touch now and again. And to be perfectly honest, that relationship is one of the most fully resolved of all my relationships. Something about getting that apology sort of healed the last little bit there was to heal.

 

I can't say that if you contacted this one gal that anything good or bad would come of it. I can say that it's possible for someone to mostly let go of having been abused or bullied, and to be receptive to an apology in time; hell, that's pretty much where I'm at with it. If I receive an apology from a prior abuser or bully, I'll be gracious enough to accept it - but that's no guarantee that anyone else is in the same position. Contacting her might stir up old shit, but it might lay some old shit to rest too.

 

I don't know. Once you're in a more calm frame of mind, take some time to think about it, either way, before deciding.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Davka

An apology won't hurt, and might very well help. Just be honest with her - since you know you're doing it more for you than for her, go ahead and tell her it's something you need to do because you feel bad, not because you necessarily think it's going to magically make her feel good. Admit you were a jerk and say you're sorry - it's good for the psyche.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the others that contacting her would at least bring you some closure, and may very well be good for her, too. I was the geek in grade school that everyone picked on, and although it wouldn't change my life, it would be a pleasant experience to get an apology, or at least a "hey, I was a stupid kid" from one of those people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I was in high school, a big theme in my Christian circle was making amends, reaching out to people you hurt in the past. I tried really hard to find her in high school but to no avail. I was freakishly depressed about it too. My mom sat me down and talked to me one day and was like "You have got to stop worrying about this."

 

That was years ago, and now this morning, her name came to my mind, and I feel like I'm back in high school. I guess I need some sort of closure. Some way to make peace with that part of my past. After some searching, I found her profile on Facebook today, but I didn't contact her. Mostly because I know I'm not thinking straight right now.

 

Logically, I know that elementary school was a long time ago. I also know that this wanting closure is for my benefit only. I seriously doubt she even thinks about our decade-past interactions anymore.

 

I need closure. What can I do to get that?

I was in AA for a number of years and they're very big on making amends too, but they have tons of practical experience with it, whereas most church groups and particularly youth groups seem to me to tend to be long on the principle of it and short on the reality of it, at best. Most good AA sponsors would agree with your mom at first until you told them how much it was still bothering you. They would also very much agree with your decision to give yourself some breathing space. The basic attitude with them would be that if something is truly important, then it's worth taking the time to do it right, including putting some time into thinking about exactly what really is right in this particular situation, rather than precipitously rushing into something just to have some relief from discomfort. The basic principle a sponsor would address would be to ask yourself whether you're doing it selfishly or selflessly. Clearly, you're already asking yourself that sort of question. I just want to support you in that. From experience, I think it's the right approach.

 

As to whether she will remember, I fall on the side of previous posters who think that she very well might remember and that it wouldn't hurt to contact her. One of the things your post sparked in my mind was to ask myself how far back I remember being bullied and how much I still resent it. I can remember pretty far back into my childhood, and painful memories of injustices committed against me do stand out in particular, so I wouldn't be too surprised to find that she might very well remember.

 

There are two bits of wisdom that are common in AA, but which are often absent from more churchy forms of dealing with this stuff. One is that if you've done your soul-searching at an honest enough level to know for a fact that you would do the right thing, no matter what it might turn out to be or how difficult, primarily for the sake of the person you hurt, rather than for your own benefit, then even if the right thing is to do nothing, it has the same benefit (sense of absolution) to you as it would if you had taken the action. I've found that this is really true.

 

The other bit of wisdom is that if you get no relief from the above, then probably what a sponsor would tell you is that you're putting yourself through some sort of spiral of emotional masochistic masturbation. If that turns out to be the case, then that's what really needs to be dealt with for relief, not making amends.

 

On the whole, I'd be surprised if that person didn't receive your contact and it's reasons warmly. After all, she's not the little kid she was at the time. She's a woman of about your own age. How would you respond if the situation was reversed? I'm sure you'd welcome her. And even if she doesn't, you will still be able to be satisfied that you really did do the right thing to the greatest extent that you possibly could.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, I say "go for it" when you're feeling comfortable about contacting her and what you would like to say.

 

I was picked on a lot in elementry school, and I remember a lot of their names. Funny how that works. In high school I fortunately did a lot better, but even so there were a couple of guys that were always trying to get under my skin.

 

However, at our first reunion that was all history. They were all over me with the love.

 

She'd probably enjoy hearing from you, even if she barely remembers any of it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope, whatever choice you make, you get some resolution. I had a bad relationship, the only serious relationship I've ever had. Lasted about two years. Most of what went wrong was his fault, but I was ignorant enough about myself that I know I hurt him some too. It's been... at least 5 years, I think, since we broke up. He used to show up about once a year, apologize like crazy, and disappear again in a few days. I kept hoping he'd hang around long enough to re-establish our friendship so that I could have a chance to apologize for the part of our mutual misery that I caused. I found him on AIM recently, after I hadn't seen him in a long time, and tried to start up enough of a conversation that I could finally try to get some closure. After a few days of my trying to break through the odd shallow conversations we'd been having, he asked me who I am! When I told him, he got quiet and I had a little breakdown wondering what I'd done to piss him off. A friend of mine suggested that maybe he just got disconnected. He logged off, then back on again and I said hi. He cussed me out and essentially called me a stalker and said "I'm soooo fucking over you!!!" (except more childishly) and got mad at me for daring to make contact with him (he had NEVER asked me not to nor in any way indicated he wanted to discontinue contact). I should be angry, but I still feel guilty. I have respected his wishes and attempted to delete all the contact information I ever had for him. I panic whenever I find one I missed. But when I get depressed or go through changes in my life (like the kind I'm going through now, trying to clean up all the deconversion stuff) I dream about him. I dream that we're friends again. Not that we're dating, but simply that things are ok between us and we can treat each other like people. Then I wake up and realize that will probably never happen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was bullied in school, i have in no way forgotten, - i would find it very healing if one of the bullies were to contact me to apologise - it would be fabulous for me - you may well find closure for yourself and really help the victim too. :0)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I also know that this wanting closure is for my benefit only. I seriously doubt she even thinks about our decade-past interactions anymore.

 

I need closure. What can I do to get that?

 

I found an old classmate on facebook a few months ago and messaged him to apologize to him for treating him badly in high school. He was surprised for that I wrote him after 27 years to seek forgiveness and urged me not to let the past rob me of joy in the present. I wasn't sure how he would receive my belated apologies. For me, it went well, and I was able to express regret to the man for something about my past that I did not like.

 

I think you are wise to wait until you are in a more clear frame of mine. Your regret may be an outgrowth of your personal issues like a throbbing pain is to an infection. How much of an issue is this during days when you feel better? As long as you are sure you are not in your healthier frame of mind, it's best not to reach out to anyone to seek closure. You want to have your best coping skills available should any response you receive not be a good one.

 

One thing you might try, if you have not already, is write a sincere apology on paper. Read it a few times, then tear it up and throw it away. In doing this, you may recognize in yourself that you have grown as a person and the you are not exactly the same person you were as a child.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My opinion is, you should leave well enough alone. How old were you then? 10 or under? I got picked on a lot when I was that age as well, but if one of those bullies said they wanted to apologize for something they did to me as a dumb kid, I'd think there's something wrong with that person.

 

If you want to do something, simply be her friend, and even include her in your own circle of friends, offering her invites to various fun things. That's much better than an apology; that shows you recognize her value as a friend and as a fellow human being.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't see any harm in apologizing. I've done it myself, actually. I've said some pretty awful things to people in the past that I wish I could take back. There have been people I mistreated. A few times I found those people after a long time had passed (~3-4 years or so in my case) and I apologized for the things I said or did to them. I felt a lot better for it, and those I apologized to usually responded positively as well.

 

I would recommend you don't make a big deal of it. If you do decide to apologize, I would just make it short, simple, and sincere. A few well worded sentences is all it really takes. If she remembers you and what you did, then you don't have to remind her of any of it. If she doesn't remember, well that's good too. Either way, you don't have to bring up any details, just say you're sorry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An hour or so after posting it dawned on me why I was having such a bad mental morning: I had switched anti-depressants 24 hours previous. It was a sudden switch and you're not supposed to do that with Zoloft, but I had no choice because I had run out of my other meds...anyway, you don't need to know the details. The point is, my anguish was the result of switching meds. I feel fine now and in my calm state of mind, I'm choosing not to contact her at this time. Her profile shows that she is a beautiful woman now with a lot of friends. I'm really happy for her and I wish her the best. Honestly, I feel relieved knowing she has turned out so well and I no longer feel the need to contact her.

 

Thank you all for your input!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An hour or so after posting it dawned on me why I was having such a bad mental morning: I had switched anti-depressants 24 hours previous. It was a sudden switch and you're not supposed to do that with Zoloft, but I had no choice because I had run out of my other meds...anyway, you don't need to know the details. The point is, my anguish was the result of switching meds. I feel fine now and in my calm state of mind, I'm choosing not to contact her at this time. Her profile shows that she is a beautiful woman now with a lot of friends. I'm really happy for her and I wish her the best. Honestly, I feel relieved knowing she has turned out so well and I no longer feel the need to contact her.

 

Thank you all for your input!

 

I think I know what I can do. I'm studying to be an elementary school teacher in college right now. When I have a classroom of my own, I can make it a point to make sure that bullying does not go unchecked in my classroom. I remember that when I was a kid, my teacher knew what I was doing to that girl but I don't remember being disciplined for my actions. I'm going to work to make my classroom a safe place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An hour or so after posting it dawned on me why I was having such a bad mental morning: I had switched anti-depressants 24 hours previous. It was a sudden switch and you're not supposed to do that with Zoloft, but I had no choice because I had run out of my other meds...anyway, you don't need to know the details. The point is, my anguish was the result of switching meds. I feel fine now and in my calm state of mind, I'm choosing not to contact her at this time. Her profile shows that she is a beautiful woman now with a lot of friends. I'm really happy for her and I wish her the best. Honestly, I feel relieved knowing she has turned out so well and I no longer feel the need to contact her.

 

Thank you all for your input!

 

I think I know what I can do. I'm studying to be an elementary school teacher in college right now. When I have a classroom of my own, I can make it a point to make sure that bullying does not go unchecked in my classroom. I remember that when I was a kid, my teacher knew what I was doing to that girl but I don't remember being disciplined for my actions. I'm going to work to make my classroom a safe place.

 

Decafaholic, I think this is a very positive, concrete, beautiful solution. I have been keeping up with this thread, but waffled between, yes – contact her and no - don’t contact her, so I did not respond.

 

I am glad that you realize why this was disturbing you so much and I am very happy for you and for your future students that you have come up with this resolution.

 

Best of luck with your studies and with your future career!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.