bird28 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Well, basically I have this one roommate, I knew she was Christian, but I thought she was pretty cool, not bothering anyone. But now, she's trying to ask people to go to church, and yesterday I was emotionally hurt and I told her hoping she would comfort me in some way and she was like "Have you tried praying" then just went back to what she was doing... Anyway, I'm really starting to notice her faith now, and it's starting to annoy me, what to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Marty Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Well, basically I have this one roommate, I knew she was Christian, but I thought she was pretty cool, not bothering anyone. But now, she's trying to ask people to go to church, and yesterday I was emotionally hurt and I told her hoping she would comfort me in some way and she was like "Have you tried praying" then just went back to what she was doing... Anyway, I'm really starting to notice her faith now, and it's starting to annoy me, what to do? Has she tried to get you to church? If all she ever said to me was "have you tried praying?" I would probably have said "yes, my whole childhood. I got better results from praying to a rock. I was hoping you'd be able to help me in some real way, but I guess not." I'd probably also start looking for a new roommate/apartment, but that is just me. Xtians are like nails on a chalkboard to me, I would have never moved in with one in the first place; that'd be asking for trouble, IME. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 . . . and yesterday I was emotionally hurt and I told her hoping she would comfort me in some way and she was like "Have you tried praying" then just went back to what she was doing . . . Anyway, I'm really starting to notice her faith now, and it's starting to annoy me, what to do? That's the thing about christians and other religionists. They confuse prayer with personal interest, bypassing the humanity of a situation for a sales pitch for Jesus. They're either trying to help themselves or Jesus (or "the cause") but not actual people. Even if she meant well, I can certainly understand how you might feel dismissed. You don't seem like you have trouble asking for your needs to be met. That's a good thing for you. You might just tell her next time she dismisses you like that, "I never found prayer that useful. I was hoping for a more personal approach." Of course, even though you make your needs known, that does not mean the other person is required to oblige you. It's always a risk. As far as the actual ongoing expression of her faith bit, when she is over the top with it, you might say, "I like you. You are a cool person. But I don't share the same faith as you. It seems . . . a bit contrived. . . . I'd like to get to know the real you." Of course, as long as she's tolerant of your atheism you should be willing to be tolerant of some measure of her Christian expression. But if it remains too over the top or she will not tolerate your expressions of free thought, you may need to consider making a change. It sucks when you have roommates you have to "tolerate." I hope it works out well for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozymandias Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I was emotionally hurt and I told her hoping she would comfort me in some way and she was like "Have you tried praying" then just went back to what she was doing... "Well, that's a thought. Or, how about you try and actually do something of substance to be supportive instead of passing all responsibility off to an invisible friend?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 (Sorry for the rant. I do this because I loved him so much and miss the good stuff and am so hurt by the whole situation. I often feel like there is someone or something I should be angry at for the pain I feel. Grief! Yay!) Phanta That's okay Phanta. There's nothing to apologize for. There are good things to miss. The hurt is a natural expression of that sense of loss. I think you may be feeling angry because of the normal sense of "I don't need this right now! I'm supposed to be happy and fulfilled and in a relationship! That's what I wanted! In time like that I face my "Wall of Despair" ( a poster of Charlie Brown on the pitcher's mound shouting "AAUGH!") and let it all out in it's depth of despair. Nothing to apologize for and nothing we can avoid. It is just plain old fashioned rage rising from the depths of despair and agonizing disappointment. Come now. In your mind, let's face the "Wall of Despair" together and shout "AAUGH!" (figuratively, if not literally). The hurt will not last forever or at least be so painfully constant or frequent. But you do not have to think of yourself as completely alone. Have courage! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bird28 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 Actually, I'm leaving for home like in two days and I won't see her again, but I would have to deal with this at home too with my grandma and stuff, who doesn't know I left the church, and my best friend, etc... I don't know how to tell them yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 A little story: I had a fundy roommate once. It lasted about 2 years. Her entire focus in life was to meet a godly man to marry. At the time I was in the long process of deconversion and needless to say, the relationship didn't work well. I met her at church so she thought she was getting a xian roommate, she was in for a surprise! This fundy person was entirely focused on herself. When I agreed to go to a Christian concert once with her and some of her xian friends, she wanted to hang out after the concert to a late hour. It was asked of the entire group if any of us wanted to go home. I said I did. TWO DAYS LATER she is all up in my face about how I am totally selfish, red faced, yelling and screaming at me. Totally insane bullshit. Turns out I had blown her chance to be with some guy she liked. She also had another boyfriend at the time who liked to come over. I could not stand the sight of him. He would say things like "boys will be boys" to excuse his behavior. I will never again be roommates with someone who I know is a fundamentalist Christian. Sorry about your situation, bird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mongo Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 If possible be as up front and clear as you can. Nonetheless, when she needs something or asks a favour you might smile and ask, "Have you tried praying about it?" then give her a hand. Mongo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HourglassStargazer Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Hello! I found her response to be very rude,if she knows you are non-religious. She might want to try being a friend instead of a preacher next time so she won't come off as such an asshole. I have had a few occasions in my personal life when religious people used typically "well meaning" phrases as a venom against me for not sharing in their delusion. Mind you, these are not "accidental". I am an open atheist, so they know full well that I do not believe what they do. I find for myself, calling them out on it is the best thing.Rather then getting outwardly angry (which is what they want- a reaction) a little smile, and a "Oh, silly. You know I don't believe in that stuff" works. For the bulk e-mails I have recieved with nonsense, I give a more logical/lengthy reply. I have found no matter how you react, they will almost always be defensive. I figure they shat it out when they opened their mouth, they can step in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I'm not going to call you oversensitive, because I don't know if recent happenings in your life have given you good reason to need some time to heal from Christianity. However, I think that you need to give your roommate the benefit of the doubt before you start considering her some kind of asshole proselytizer (like some people seem to just be assuming that she is). The thing that stands out to me in your story is that you'd previously thought that your roommate was fine. So what if she asks people if they want to go to church? It's just a question to see if other people are interested in doing the same things that she is. If she asks you, just say "no, I'm not religious and not interested in becoming so". She's asked nicely, you've responded nicely but clearly, and she has the opportunity to either drop the subject or have interest in your beliefs. Now, if she starts harassing you after you've told her your position, you have reason to feel annoyed, but until then, there's simply nothing to "deal with". You want her to accept your beliefs, but some people don't want you to accept her beliefs to the point where they think that you should totally avoid interacting with Christians. It's not a matter of whose beliefs are right or wrong, smart or stupid, but having respect to leave one another alone about beliefs- that goes two ways. And I have not had the same experiences as HourglassStargazer. In my experience, both when I was a Christian and when I've interacted with people who are Christians, most those "well-meaning" phrases have been exactly that. If you're used to talking that way with other people, sometimes they just accidentally come out. Once when I was a child, I answered the phone by saying grace instead of saying "hello". In no way was I meaning to evangelize or let the person know what a good Christian I was. It just came out because it was something I'd said so often. I'm not saying that you need to put up with other people's disrespect toward your beliefs, but I am saying in the tiny amount you've told us, it doesn't sound like your roommate did anything wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HourglassStargazer Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I'm not going to call you oversensitive, because I don't know if recent happenings in your life have given you good reason to need some time to heal from Christianity. However, I think that you need to give your roommate the benefit of the doubt before you start considering her some kind of asshole proselytizer (like some people seem to just be assuming that she is). The thing that stands out to me in your story is that you'd previously thought that your roommate was fine. So what if she asks people if they want to go to church? It's just a question to see if other people are interested in doing the same things that she is. If she asks you, just say "no, I'm not religious and not interested in becoming so". She's asked nicely, you've responded nicely but clearly, and she has the opportunity to either drop the subject or have interest in your beliefs. Now, if she starts harassing you after you've told her your position, you have reason to feel annoyed, but until then, there's simply nothing to "deal with". You want her to accept your beliefs, but some people don't want you to accept her beliefs to the point where they think that you should totally avoid interacting with Christians. It's not a matter of whose beliefs are right or wrong, smart or stupid, but having respect to leave one another alone about beliefs- that goes two ways. And I have not had the same experiences as HourglassStargazer. In my experience, both when I was a Christian and when I've interacted with people who are Christians, most those "well-meaning" phrases have been exactly that. If you're used to talking that way with other people, sometimes they just accidentally come out. Once when I was a child, I answered the phone by saying grace instead of saying "hello". In no way was I meaning to evangelize or let the person know what a good Christian I was. It just came out because it was something I'd said so often. I'm not saying that you need to put up with other people's disrespect toward your beliefs, but I am saying in the tiny amount you've told us, it doesn't sound like your roommate did anything wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HourglassStargazer Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Whoops! That didn't work out the way I intended it to! Since you brought up my opinion specifically on the matter, I'm going to have to stand by it and explain why. There is no need to give someone the benefit of the doubt if they know you are an atheist/some other belief system. Yes, they do say things like "god bless you" or "I'll pray for you" as a way of being a jerk.It is condescending and they know it. If they have no idea about you, then perhaps it is harmless, but this is a room mate. They know better. Respect is a two way street. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HourglassStargazer Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzYglKBMEYw Here ClaraOlive. Since you felt the need to bring my opinion up, instead of just simply stating your own, let's cut through the B.S.. The psychological abuse on various levels is obvious within this religion. This is not a matter worth sugarcoating. "I'll pray for you" "have you tried praying" are statements that are NOT benign when one knows they are talking to a non-believer. Typical hypocrisy. Rather than being caring as they claim to be, they take it as an opportunity to bitch slap you with their bible. You don't need to make excuses for their roomate. It is very clear. Does this mean the poster should counter with hate? No way. But by no means should they just take it, or tip toe around it and act like the person didn't know what they were doing. Of course they knew what they were doing! They live with with them. It wasn't a case of, "oops- accidental question on prayer.". Come, on... lol. How about if the poster just out of thin air made some really horrible remark about Jesus. "oops, forgot you're a Christian." Not so much, right? People suffer for years with fears/complexes associated with these beliefs.If the room mate wants to believe the bible, that is their business. She really needs to keep it that way. Once they bring their ball into my court, the game is on. There is no misunderstaning that it is their ball. They walked over with it and started dribbling. If they don't like how I play, they should have remained in their own court. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Since you have learned she won't give you comfort, look for it elsewhere. Find a reliable friend who won't judge you for your beliefs and confide in them. All you need to say when she asks you if you want to go to church is that you're not interested and you have other plans. Keep saying you're not interested and eventually she should quit asking. If possible, make it a habit to actually go somewhere else on Sundays and not come home until well past her church time. As for your family, you don't need to tell them if you don't want to. It is the Christian worldview that demands telling everyone of your beliefs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Davka Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Your roommate is incapable of conceiving that humans can comfort one another without jesus. So shine her on. Her whole world is wrapped around her invisible friend, and trying to change that will not end well. You have a few options: superficial relationship, flat-out confrontation, or thinly-veiled sarcasm come readily to mind. Myself, I'd go with the "fuck with their heads" approach: when asked "have you prayed?" simply respond "yes, and I sacrificed the neighbor's cat, too, but Ashtorah doesn't seem to be listening." But that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mriana Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 How do I deal with them? Er... um... yeah. Exit stage left (or right) I really hate talking to anyone who brings up their religious beliefs. In fact, I don't talk. I end up clamming up and trying to find an out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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