The Most Hurtful Thing The Church Ever Said To You

[wt-hell?!]

as a recently deconverted christian, i don't remember very many hurtful things said, for two reasons. My church was very "seeker friendly" and therefore careful not to offend newcomers. Also, when i deconverted, i pretty much stopped going cold turkey. But the concept i recall hurting me most was that the only kind of love that works in this world is "Divine Love", insinuating that the only perfect love is between two Christians and God - a sort of love triangle. My boyfriend is not a christian, and this meant out love wasn't perfect and we would never last. (the same message my "friends" had tried on me several times...)

I was hurt until i remembered that my boyfriend's name, "Devin" means "Divine"...

this was also a very hurtful thing for me to. this idea of love. anyways, i was engaged to a wonderful guy...however my friends and campus minister didn't think he was 'christian' enough to be a good head of a christian household. i valued their opinion highly and called off the wedding til i 'felt' that he would be a strong enough believer. i said that after graduating college we would see where we were spiritually (like that can be measured) anyways, he died of cancer 3 months before graduation (close to what would have been our 1yr wedding anniversary). i was told by those same friends and minister that there is suffering in the world so that god can show us his love. since then i have deconverted completely, so much for god's love

[franklyorange]

a married woman had no right to refuse her husband sex, for any reason. Marital rape. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I was about 14.

 

Oh, those darn baptists, they're sticklers for the rules, aren't they?

[franklyorange]

If a child dies in childbirth, and is not baptized, it's soul goes to Hell.

 

I had somebody pull that one on me. I found a scripture that at least cast some doubt on the validity of that belief, but I can't remember it now, and it doesn't matter, because it's not true. What I do remember is that my challenger was all in a huff and even made a special trip to visit me at my home to tell me what a "divider of the brethren" I was, or some stupid shit like that.

[chefranden]

The Most Hurtful Thing The Church Ever Said To You: "You're fired!"

[seeking26]

When I was pregnant with my third daughter we found out that she had some rather severe birth defects that were going to require surgery. It was an omphalocele (intestines growing outside of her body) and should have just required a couple of weeks recovery from the surgery on the day of her birth. Well, when she was born we discovered it was worse than that, she had a cleft palate, was unable to eat without a feeding tube and was having trouble breathing. When we got the word that she would need surgery to put a feeding tube into her stomach, and would also need a tracheostomy, but that she couldn't have either one until she recovered from pneumonia and a calapsed lung, we told our pastor. He smiled and said, "I am looking forward to seeing what God plans to teach you with all of this." It gets worse, our daughter spent 13 weeks in the hospital, she was near death many times, my husband spent a lot more time with her than his workplace was willing to allow and as a result lost his job. Our church was unwilling to help us financially though that time (we had been good faithful members for years) but they were perfectly willing to spend $5000 on a new media system so people could see their songs on a big screen at the front of the church rather than use those tacky old hymnals. In the end we lost our house because my husband couldn't find another job right away. I didn't care much about attending church after that but it took me a couple more years to begin questioning my faith.

[Centauro]

I am so ENRAGED by some of these stories!! What the hell is wrong with people!!

Some of these stories brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to those who have had to go through this abuse. It is hard for me to type my hands are shaking I am so pissed!!

 

Before my wife's conversion I knew very little about how fundamentalism could screw someone up, and how manipulative it could be. The past 15 years has been an education for sure. I am 60 years old and it still amazes me what normal appearing people, FUNCTIONAL PEOPLE, are capable of doing.

 

I don't have one thing that the catholic church said to hurt me, there are many. At age 14 I had enough of their crap and guilt. I could see through the bullshit. I was outa there, and I didn't look back.

 

The most hurtful thing ever said to me was from my wife's church teachings, and it was said by my wife to me a few years ago. We were calmly discussing some bible verses, no heated arguments or anything. She brought up the "us versus them" concepts that are taught in her church, stating that unbelievers are the enemy. I was kind of surprised and wanted her to tell me where it says I am her enemy. She read me Matt. ch. 10 vs 34-36, which states:

"Do not suppose I have come to bring peace to the earth. I do not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father,

a daughter against her mother,

a daughter in law against her mother in law,

a man's enemies will be of his own household."

 

I looked deep into my wife's eyes, and that was when I changed. I became a true believer that day. A true believer in the fact that things were never going to change, she was lost to me forever. I had held onto hope for over 10 years, but that day changed me forever. It cut me to the bone. I can still feel the venom in her voice as she read the verse. To this day I am still amazed at how consuming fundamentalism can be.

 

But as hurtful as that day was, it was a new dawn for me. I would still take care of my wife and family, but now I would look out for me more. More days off work, more time to play and workout. Enemies have to take of themselves...you know.

[dichotomy]

The most hurtful thing ever said to me personally was by a particular pastor of mine. Slightly paraphrased but he basically pulled me aside and said:

 

"I know you're going through a difficult time at the moment and are struggling personally but you really must stop crying during the worship. It gives a bad impression and as an influential member of the church you should be standing up praising God despite your circumstances and showing people what it means to have faith."

 

Around the same time he also told me to "stop dressing like a student, it isn't smart enough and doesn't look good to those we're trying to draw into the church." I was then given a dress code as part of the ministry team I had to wear black or navy trousers or skirt and a suitable blouse or t-shirt of a similar plain colour. No jeans or indeed any hint of individuality. The fact I was a student at the time was clearly irrelevant!

 

He also referred to me as "high maintenance" and another *leader* told me that I was "Difficult to love". Believe it or not I don't actually think I'm that bad....

 

As for what the church says to the congregation in general, well don't get me started.

[dichotomy]

 

 

I looked deep into my wife's eyes, and that was when I changed. I became a true believer that day. A true believer in the fact that things were never going to change, she was lost to me forever. I had held onto hope for over 10 years, but that day changed me forever. It cut me to the bone. I can still feel the venom in her voice as she read the verse. To this day I am still amazed at how consuming fundamentalism can be.

 

 

So very sad yet so very true. It is so scary how manipulative and consuming fundamentalism can be.

 

When my husband "lost his faith" I had *visions* of me becoming the scary religious wife married to the *backslider*. I vowed to myself that I'd never let myself do that to him or me and well, lets just say that was the real beginning of my deconversion.

[Centauro]

 

 

I looked deep into my wife's eyes, and that was when I changed. I became a true believer that day. A true believer in the fact that things were never going to change, she was lost to me forever. I had held onto hope for over 10 years, but that day changed me forever. It cut me to the bone. I can still feel the venom in her voice as she read the verse. To this day I am still amazed at how consuming fundamentalism can be.

 

 

So very sad yet so very true. It is so scary how manipulative and consuming fundamentalism can be.

 

When my husband "lost his faith" I had *visions* of me becoming the scary religious wife married to the *backslider*. I vowed to myself that I'd never let myself do that to him or me and well, lets just say that was the real beginning of my deconversion.

 

Good on you and your husband.

 

I wonder how many, or what the deconversion rate is, among fundametalist christians.

In light of the OP, it amazes me that people stay in a religion even when such hurtful things are said to parishioners and/or family. There has to be some part of the brain that tells people who say such hurtful things, that this is wrong and counter to the love that should be expressed to fellow human beings. I don't get it.

[OpheliaGinger]

 

 

I looked deep into my wife's eyes, and that was when I changed. I became a true believer that day. A true believer in the fact that things were never going to change, she was lost to me forever. I had held onto hope for over 10 years, but that day changed me forever. It cut me to the bone. I can still feel the venom in her voice as she read the verse. To this day I am still amazed at how consuming fundamentalism can be.

 

 

So very sad yet so very true. It is so scary how manipulative and consuming fundamentalism can be.

 

When my husband "lost his faith" I had *visions* of me becoming the scary religious wife married to the *backslider*. I vowed to myself that I'd never let myself do that to him or me and well, lets just say that was the real beginning of my deconversion.

 

There's your problem. If you hadn't vowed to not be the nagging wife, you would still be eligible to give gawd an eternal blow job.

[WhyBaby]

I wonder how many, or what the deconversion rate is, among fundametalist christians.

In light of the OP, it amazes me that people stay in a religion even when such hurtful things are said to parishioners and/or family. There has to be some part of the brain that tells people who say such hurtful things, that this is wrong and counter to the love that should be expressed to fellow human beings. I don't get it.

 

I suspect fear of God's anger, combined with how small and closed Christian circles tend to be.

 

Years ago I read a book I thought was called "Exit Interviews".. I did a search on the net and Amazon and couldn't find it, so maybe that's not the title.

 

Anyway, the book was written by a Christian who had interviewed people about their departure from church. The point of the book was that so many churches were becoming seeker friendly, were so focused on church growth and getting new people into the church, that they failed to notice or care about the people who were leaving.

 

Since the size of a church in that situation never really changes, no one ever keeps track of who left and why. I suspect there are a lot of people who switched to other churches or left the faith entirely.

 

 

For myself, there are several things that stand out that hurt me terribly...

 

1- as a teenager, I talked to my pastor's wife about my future. I was talking about my desires and natural abilities, "gifts" if you will. She told me I should do the thing that I did NOT want to do because that's how God would help me grow. Huh?

 

2- "depression is a sin" -- perfectly logical. If we're good Christians, we should have the joy of the Lord in our heart, right? If we don't, praising God and serving other should fix everything. Gee thanks. I struggled alone with dysthymia (low-grade, long-term depression) for most of my life. Add a couple of bouts with major depression, some caused by a thyroid disorder... well, I guess I'm just a bad Christian.

 

3- "it's a man's job to control his wife!" -- I heard this little gem from several different people at different times in different churches. Since people who didn't know each other said exactly the same words, it must have been in a book or taught by a big name speaker or something. Bill Gothard, maybe?

 

For years I kept asking myself, "What's wrong with me?". I finally, finally, figured out that I wasn't the problem. Talk about burdens lifting.

[Galien]

It is called Exit Interviews and it is very good.

 

Same for me and my depression. Can't believe how much less depressed I have been since leaving the fundies behind. All those years of uneccesary anguish. Who knew?

[dB-Paradox]

I think the church probably hurts more women than men because of all the stupid sexist teachings in the bible. Men can teach other men and women, but women can only teach other women? Women are often considered the problem in many cases. If a man is tempted by a woman, it's the woman's fault, even if she didn't intend it? There are lots of biases against women in the bible, and it's sad that our modern race of humans haven't really changed all that much. I, being a man, don't have many stories of offense from the church, but that may also be due to the fact that the church I went to was a sugar-coated church. But the one thing that I never got until I left was hell. Now, I can't understand this concept and how Christians teach this! I wish Christians would just stop and really examine what the concept of hell looks like.

[luvless]

The most damaging thing that was ever done to me in a church was a few people just not talking to me anymore. That doesn't seem so bad at first but most of those people were related to the pastor and were in charge of ministries. They were a tight group of friends. I have a lot of horror stories but that one hurt the most because I still don't know what I did. I honestly thought they were my friends and I stopped getting invited to birthdays for the children(or last minute invitations on purpose) and we worked at bake sales together for the missions field and they wouldn't even acknowledge me after awhile. They were all so damn passive-aggressive it nearly drove me crazy. They bought stuff for my sons birthday (I don't know why they even bothered) just left it on a table in a regular bag with no card or anything. Its like they were trying to do the right thing for Jesus but it was painfully apparent that they didn't want to do it in the first place. They would just smile at me with those fake bitchy smiles. What a joke church is. I just kept showing up and being nice thinking maybe it was all in my head until I hosted a book club and some of them didn't show up and didn't call and the ones who did come talked amongst themselves and left early to go shopping together. Ugh.

[Moxie]

I was in youth group one Wednesday night. One of the deacons told us we could ask any question we wanted. I asked the deacon about the millions of children in the third world who die of starvation every day.

He said that unless they belong to the "church of Christ" (the denomination in which I was raised), they are going to hell.

[Moxie]

In addition to that:

 

I was raised in an all-black church. The preacher once said that Martin Luther King Jr. is now in hell because he was a Baptist minister, not a church-of-Christ minister.

[TedGresham]

Forgive me, I'm too lazy to read through these responses. I just had to say that the most hurtful thing anyone in church ever said to me were: "I love you, brother."

 

It was a lie repeated ad infinitum for decades.

[forestofwonder]

Oh geez, just having to interact with those brainwashed folks, sorry, I mean fucks, every Sunday and every Wednesday was pretty hurtful. I have two that really stand out, probably because they effectually ended any church going activity I might have wanted. At that time I was just beginning to sew seeds of doubt. Where to begin? The condescension, the pettiness? The cliques, the rumor mill within the shit face youth group? The who is more spirit filled performances/contests?

 

I think the most hurtful thing I can remember was when an overzealous middle aged woman strolled up to me while I was perusing through the church library during a Sunday evening sermon once. She grabbed me by both shoulders and started doing this weird caressing thing to them, then had the nerve to say, "You're running from God!" In hindsight she may well have been unintentionally correct on that one! This had been revealed to her you see as she equated my hanging out in the library with disinterest in that night's preaching. Wasn't disinterested, just wasn't ready to die as a result of sheer boredom just yet.

 

I tried to play nice for a second or two, as awkward as this was, then told her to leave me alone and I went outside and sat in the car until church let out. She sent me some stupid card in the mail apologizing later that week.

 

Not long after that incident we had a guest evangelist, one of these "prophetic word" charlatans whose sentimental generalizations about individuals always add up to perfect sense, more or less. This was also the second to last time I would ever go near that place again. I don't know what it is with certain preachers who either know what a load of bullshit it is that they're lying through their teeth, or they feel better about themselves when they specifically call you out of the congregation and attempt to embarrass you because they can sense that you're on to them.

 

Anyway this psychopath calls me up to the front of the church, puts his dirty hands on both sides of my head, and starts raving on about how I want to just "run away" (sound familiar?) from everything and how I'm so confused blah blah ...Ad nauseam. "Do you go to this church?" He says. "I used to, not anymore," I say. "Weeell you're coming back!" cue whoops and hollers and hallelujahs from the "concerned" congregation. He pretty much pushes me backwards, expecting me to be "slain in the spirit," and after I don't fall the first time he uses a bit more force. This asshole practically shoves me and I fall prostrate to get this shit over with. I'm mad as hell laying there on the floor like a buffoon and I look up to see a bunch of "members" staring at me with puzzled expressions as if to say, "Did he accept the word?" I hopped up and walked out, never to return. Fucking stupid people.

 

 

Ever since I've found it most beneficial to stay as far away as possible from people who hear voices in their head and suffer from diarrhea of the mouth.

[Guest ephymeris]

Yeah Forest, I was pissed off by those crazy charismatics too. I was slapped in the head 3 times and told the man at the pulpit "I'm not going to fall down" before he told me to "shut up and fall" and then pushed me hard. I never fell and I wanted more than anything to punch him!!! That's just one of my bullshit charismatic moments!

[Galien]

The cult who told me I was separated from god and I believed them. So a true believer separated from god was in hell. I couldnt even eat for 8 weeks, took me 3 years before I stopped believing them. Who does this shit to ppl?

[forestofwonder]

The cult who told me I was separated from god and I believed them. So a true believer separated from god was in hell. I couldnt even eat for 8 weeks, took me 3 years before I stopped believing them. Who does this shit to ppl?

 

 

Delusional fear mongering egomaniacs

[Creepy Doll]

I do a weekly internet radio show and this week's topic is "How Religion Screwed You." I used a few things people mentioned in this thread in my blog about the show. I hope no one minds and if you do, let me know. The link to my blog is in my sig.

[Kurari]

I guess the worst was just being told I wasn't "doing it right" in all it's many different forms. My job as a woman was to become a baby factory and indentured servant to some guy, and I couldn't possibly be called to do anything else.

 

I left Christianity out of sheer confusion.

[ElrondHubbard]

For me, I think it was the whole concept that I am a fundamentally bad being. That whole self-flagellation thing, where every single thing I think, say, or do has to be subjected to the scrutiny of god and everyone; that what I want is the last thing to be considered in making a decision. I'm still learning to trust myself, be confident in my decisions, and follow my intuition.

[SilentLoner]

I always went into "space cadet" mode during sermons at church, so I can't really say I heard anyhting hurtful at church, though one one occasion I was cussed out in the communion box by a priest who told me (in short) I was wasting his time. I was almost in tears when I left and I never went to confession again (hell, I think I owe that guy a thanks). Most upsetting stuff I did hear was from religious ladies who taught me about the finer points of xtianity.

 

One of the things I got upset about as a kid was that animals don't go to heaven, they have no importance. The earth was basically made so that humans could ravage and abuse it to their liking because it was "god's will" and that the righetous would be saved anyway once the end of days came along. Thats probably what led to my biocentrist view of the world today (and I'm damn proud that I do).