A Brave Leap

[TheRipchord]

Hello everybody Before I go into my "testimony", I'd like to express my gratitude towards the people on this website, who have helped me go on with my de-conversion since I stumbled across this forum. It really isn't an easy task to accomplish alone.

 

Although I wasn't born into a religious home, I've found myself to be very devoutly religious within the past few years (I'm now sixteen). My mother is a pretty open minded person who always encouraged me to think for myself and doesn't associate herself with any religion to my knowledge. My father, who I'm assuming was once very religious considering stories told by my Christian grandparents, never talks about his religious beliefs, but is pretty typical and narrow-minded about things like gay rights, racial issues, ect. My earliest memory of any religious "conditioning" is when my Grandmother taught me the "Now I lay me down to sleep..." prayer as a child of about 4 or 5. I'm also pretty certain I went to Sunday School a few times and Vacation Bible classes in the summer in elementary school but had no real grasp on Christianity other than the "Jesus loves you" mumbo jumbo. I grew up assuming that everybody believed this until my mom informed me that I can pick any religion I wanted to. I soon began exploring Buddhism and things of that nature, but religion never became something serious to me until I was about 12 or 13.

 

I started attending youth group and bible camp with my friend and it was pretty much a Jesus yo-yo diet since then. I would become very devoutly religious, then lose interest and let it slip to the back of my mind, notice this and become fearful, and start the process over again. I now realize that the fear of hell and judgment was fueling everything I did regarding religion. I would promise myself to read the entire bible through, but it was such a tedious chore that I would lose interest, not to mention I skipped the Old Testament altogether because I could not stand the misogyny right off the bat. I began exploring Christianity further, out of guilt of course, only to uncover more and more questions as to how any of it was even possible. I immediately wrote off those few poor struggling free thoughts as blasphemy and put them to the back of my mind. However, this did not stop more doubts from arising. I soon began exploring theology to try to answer these questions, only to find more fearful dogmatic answers. If the Bible is supposed to be perfect, then why do people have to grasp at straws to justify it? How could MY religion be the only true one out of hundreds that are undoubtedly very similar? It just doesn't add up.

 

Once I began to explore an atheistic explanation for things, my dissent was rapid. However, I fearfully returned to my religion later on. I didn't like the uncertainty and definitely not the threat of hell that came with de-converting. I felt so guilty and started right back at square one. However, this didn't solve my problem with religion. The questions just kept building, the contradictions grew in number, the hatred in the Bible became more apparent, and faith just wasn't enough for me anymore. I had always been an independent and compassionate person. I became a vegetarian when I was 10 because I disagreed with such treatment of animals despite ridicule, but I'd continue making excuses for a hateful religion? I can't continue with it. The evidence is clear and I refuse to cling on to such an outdated and unjustifiable belief. The fear and uncertainty of punishment is definitely still there, but I'm hoping it will fade with time. I love the idea of a just and loving god, but that's clearly not the god described in the Bible. If anything, I can always find good in believing in humanity and value harsh reality over a comforting lie.

[Shyone]

 

Once I began to explore an atheistic explanation for things, my dissent was rapid. However, I fearfully returned to my religion later on. I didn't like the uncertainty and definitely not the threat of hell that came with de-converting. I felt so guilty and started right back at square one. However, this didn't solve my problem with religion. The questions just kept building, the contradictions grew in number, the hatred in the Bible became more apparent, and faith just wasn't enough for me anymore. I had always been an independent and compassionate person. I became a vegetarian when I was 10 because I disagreed with such treatment of animals despite ridicule, but I'd continue making excuses for a hateful religion? I can't continue with it. The evidence is clear and I refuse to cling on to such an outdated and unjustifiable belief. The fear and uncertainty of punishment is definitely still there, but I'm hoping it will fade with time. I love the idea of a just and loving god, but that's clearly not the god described in the Bible. If anything, I can always find good in believing in humanity and value harsh reality over a comforting lie.

It sounds like you are in a tough spot. Intellectually, you pretty much know religion is bullcrap. In every other way, you are maturing in a system that is geared towards religious belief even if your personal committment has been somewhat erratic. Many of us have lurched from side to side because there is very little like the emotional satisfaction that religion provides (not to mention the cookies). It's more addictive than love, because it hits the same parts of the brain. Loyalty, trust (faith), love, dedication, and everything we think of as powerful motivators of self sacrifice are all wrapped up in religion.

 

Anyway, welcome to the site; I'm looking forward to hearing more from you as you go through the maze.

[HRDWarrior]

Unfortunately that fear you describe is one of religion's best weapons. Without that fear, there would be a significantly lower number of "religious" people, yet that fear is used so strongly it can hold even very logical smart people in it's grasp.

 

Sounds like your best bet at this point would be to try to understand what has made you so fearful. I get the impression once you really rationalize that factor, your draw to religion will be greatly reduced.

[TedGresham]

... I love the idea of a just and loving god, but that's clearly not the god described in the Bible. If anything, I can always find good in believing in humanity and value harsh reality over a comforting lie.

You're sixteen? Would that I'd have had as much sense when I was that age. At sixteen I was desperately trying to save the world. It took me another quarter century to figure out I was deluded and the world didn't need or want saving. Of course I WAS raised in a Christian home (Baptist) and force-fed the whole package from the time I was a wee tot. I also grew up in an era and in a place where questioning faith was taboo, as was even the mention of atheism or not believing in god. It's a very different world, now.

 

As was said above, fear is the ultimate weapon of religion. Fear of the unknown. That "undiscovered country" is a place, like Hamlet said, nobody returns from. "It doeth make cowards of us all." And it is used by religion to scare people into "believing" crap that is not true.

 

I quoted your last line so I could say that the world we live in rarely lives up to what we hope it would be. The "idea" of a "just and loving god" might sound great but it's not real. I question the "just" part, though. Just implies justice which implies law which implies judgment which implies a god with rules but a god with rules who does not share them is hardly "loving." That aside, however, the point is that "wishing" does not make it so. I, too, would like to believe things into existence. I love the idea of a peaceful world with no war, of a society of humans who respect each other where there is no crime, and I love the idea of living forever. None of these are going to happen.

 

I'm a cynical old man and I would not wish my cynicism upon you but I would encourage you to learn at your age that there is what we wish for and then there is that which is. Wishing may encourage us to do what we can to make the world a better place but we should not be deluded into thinking what we wish for can happen. It almost never does. Live in the real world and dream of a better world. Work to make the dream come true as you can but expect to be disappointed. And last of all, do not trust fairy tales or religion to do the work for you. If there is a god in my opinion he's stone cold silent so that makes him irrelevant. Take the responsibility to do the right things yourself. It's the only way we'll ever be what we as a world and human race should be.

[TheRipchord]

Thanks for the welcome and encouragement (:

 

The emotional side of religion is definitely the only reason why I participated in the first place. I can see why it was necessary to the people who used religion to control others to add in the concept of hell in the New Testament. Despite my logic, I can't shake the fear of "what if?" I know now that if Christianity didn't have the threat of hell, I, along with many others, wouldn't give it a second thought. I can live with the probability that there's nothing after death, but I can't live thinking that I'm going to be tortured for my beliefs.

 

A lot of my friends are deeply religious so I haven't told them yet. I remember ALWAYS fearing about people who weren't Christians and worrying about "witnessing" to them so they would be "saved". I know that's what some of them will think of me and try to do. On the bright side, many of my friends are pretty secular and don't care for religion too much. Those are the ones I've told.

 

Religion to me now seems like some sort of abusive relationship. You're so in love with your religion that you are blind to how it really is. Once you are free from its grasp, you see the truth. You feel cheated but at the same time you're glad you got out.