Rage Issues

[qec]

So it's come to my attention, several times in fact, that I am having issues with blowing up on people. I have been told by former therapists that this is a symptom of PTSD (taking a sledgehammer to a mosquito) and that it is something I need to keep in check. Well I am now powerless to keep it in check. Taking the textual equivalent of an M1 Abrams and leveling it at people here when they toss what appears to be a stick, is totally inappropriate, hurtful, fucked up, and it needs to stop.

 

I acknowledge I am powerless to stop it.

I realize that a power greater than myself (people on this forum) who care about me, can give me input and help me to put a stop to this destructive behavior which is hurting them and hurting me because it hurts them and alienates me from them.

I ask with humility for help in these endeavors, and I promise to try to implement things to the best of my ability.

I will take personal inventory and when I am wrong will promptly admit it.

I am willing with the understanding and help of others here, to right my wrongs.

 

People who I have blown up on know who they are and to them I can apologize only by changing, and indeed such is apology. The point of these outbursts was made apparent to me by dhampir and others, and I thank them for this concern; I would get sick of me too. Oftentimes intentions don't dictate the end result. At the end of the day you have to measure the end result and not just intentions. If the end result falls short of the stick then it's time to change. And yes, it's time to change.

 

Things I have tried so far to manage this problem: Staying away when I start acting up.

Things I will try and have in the works: Get a book on dealing with Rage, start some therapy, implement what the therapists suggest.

What I would like from people here: Ways to deal with this problem inside here in such a manner that an early warning system is developed so I shutdown and no one gets hurt. If there is a way to develop a system to deal with this then we can nip this in the bud.

 

Here is something that was used in the past, in other life scenarios, and may work:

 

Whomever: <something perceived by Me to be contentious>

Me: <starts pulling out a textual sword>

Whomever: whoa hold on a second, it's not what you think it is. I am your friend not your enemy.

Me: <says whatever>

Whomever: I would have you stop for a second

Me: Ok

Whomever: Quid I am not attacking you and if I am somehow I am not intending to.

Me: <acknoledgement>

Whomever: Relax quid, tell yourself to relax. Repeat after me, ,relax

Me: Relax

Whomever: Breathe in and out, several times.

Me: Breathes in and out several times.

Whomever: Relax, just let it go; maybe it's worth it but not right now, later on when you have a clearer head. Say it again "Relax" Deep breath in and out, several times.

Me: Relax (Breathes in and out several times)

Whomever: I am not your enemy. It's ok to be angry sometimes but right now you need to Relax. Say it again: Relax.

Me: Relax. (Breathes)

 

 

That's my best effort so far. Something close to that (doesn't have to be exact) could work well potentially. It doesn't have to be that long either. Another thought that was brought up was a sort of word that could be said to indicate I was using disproportionate textual force to the situation at hand. My additional thoughts on this are that perhaps such a thing could either be implemented alone or in conjunction with the above outlined technique.

 

I need to get a handle on this. I don't mean to sound selfish but if I'm not doing this for me then I'm not doing this for everyone else. I need to get a handle on this for my own sake. My aim here is stop destructive behavior for my own sake, and thereby improve my quality of life and that of others around me.

 

 

Thanks.

[Legion]

Quid I applaud these sentiments and this thread. I think some here might be willing to work with you. I know that I am. (Here comes the big but.) However, at some point health dictates that you excercise self-control and not expect others to help you with it. At some point, I hope you can internalize this entire routine you have suggested for us to use with you. Perhaps you could have a set of behaviors that trigger the routine. For instance you might ask yourself, "Am I about to call someone a name or otherwise blast them?" If so then you could exercise the routine.

 

In any case, I am happy to see that you are taking responsibility for your behavior. I hope others can see that you are bigger than your wounds Quid.

[Deva]

I am glad you posted this Quid. I appreciate that you have insight into the problem.

 

Not sure what else to say.

[The-Captain]

If you have the introspective capacity to acknowledge an anger problem, you've already taken a great step towards dealing with it. Yes, sadly these sort of emotional surges are textbook PTSD. However not knowing your prior history I would have assumed that it stemmed more from you being a passionate person, easily frustrated and disappointed with people. This much I can relate to, and I would recommend what works for me. A sense of detachment, or an acute awareness of the scale of our world that dwarfs our own petty concerns. This at least has helped me with what used to be a notorious temper.

[qec]

I'll be back in later on to see what's down in this thread.

[Vixentrox]

I like you when you are calm Quid. But if you can't manage to control it you make it very hard to feel anything but scorn and sadness for you. Even when trying to get you stop your destructive behavior people get beaten up and attacked. Now that you have publicly posted this thread you are going to be held to it. You've worn through a lot of people's patience I think, certainly mine is hanging by the merest threads after last night what you called me when trying to get you to stop. Don't fuck this up Quid. Please. I'm going to just mention this thread when you get out of line. I hope I won't have to.

[qec]

Don't fuck this up Quid.

 

Yeah, I hope not too.

[Vigile]

Hopefully this won't come across the wrong way.

 

You are very intelligent. With that intelligence comes the ability to be calculating. Most people want to get something, not just be a disturbance. If they are being a disturbance they are either being completely irrational or they want something and they are just not thinking about the best ways to get something.

 

You go through periods where you practically beg to get banned; even in your own words. This, seems to me to represent periods where you are being completely irrational and uncalculating. By calculating I'm not talking about using others as it is often implied. I'm talking about something as simple as friendship and to a smaller degree, success.

 

On a somewhat unrelated note, I was thinking about you as I watched the 1970s film "The Network" the other day. If you haven't seen it, it's about a news division in a fictional network. During the mid 70s the US was in the midst of a similar crisis as today; both politically and financially. People were pissed off and people wanted to act out. I don't blame you for being pissed off and wanting to act out. I feel much the same way about our current conditions. However, I played a little game with myself while watching that show. Knowing what followed, pretty much years of prosperity and a pretty good life for the average person over the following 20 or so odd years I had a hard time getting too pissed off about the policies of the 70s, which were much like the ugly policies of today. I think it's good that you feel and aren't shallow. But perhaps it would help to take a bit of the burden off by thinking of things in different terms?

 

The bottom line here is only you can make a change. We can talk to you, until you become unbearable, but only you can really change things in your life. And like it or not, you can't change the world regardless of the fact that our culture tries to drill into our heads that individuals can make a difference.

 

All the best my friend.

 

Ps, I'm not convinced all your problems are caused by PTSD. You are a deep person and that means you care about the world around you. You feel you have the capacity and the obligation to change the world. Your level of obsession with it is possibly a PTSD issue but I think most people with your background might have very different responses to it. You are also, again, I think, struggling because you are an intelligent person living in a relatively unintelligent world and you pay attention when they, as in most, do not. Given that, I'd just go back to my first point, be calculating.

[Loren]

Thank you very much for your respect and commitment to responsibility to manage your own behavior. Frankly, the, "stop button," word seems a bit redundant to me: Would it really make a difference to you if one of us said, "Quid, (Button word)," as opposed to something like, "Quid, you're getting into that zone again. Maybe you should turn your computer off and take three fast laps around the block?"

 

The thing about the button word is that, as Legion said, it puts an unjust amount of responsibility on the people around you to get on board with it. Also, it would take more social organization among people who aren't directly involved. We'd have to make sure that everybody knows about, "the word," and so on. But doing the same thing from the other side would happen naturally: You know how observant, intelligent and sympathetic our members are. Even if they don't get the word on, "the word," they'll still see how some of us take a consistent approach to simply remind you to take some deep breaths, as it were. They'll see and understand instantly and, if they're so inclined, get on board without anybody having to organize or convince anyone. If they're not already inclined that way, then the whole thing is a moot point, anyway.

 

From what I know of the membership here, it'll just happen naturally.

 

From my years in AA, I hear the twelve-step type overtones in your words. From having done that kind of work myself, you have my sympathy. That kind of work is tough enough to have a person sweating blood sometimes.

 

From my experience, the real bottom line for anyone who's putting themselves through that tough, painfully honest inner digging is to ask, "Even if nobody wanted to participate in helping, would you still be willing to do the work anyway?"

 

From what I've seen of you, everything tells me the answer is, "Yes."

[TedGresham]

I have a rotten temper. It is "tempered," so to speak, with a sense of compassion and respect. Even so, I can get pissed on occasion. Ask my kids!

 

Three words: Eight-Fold Path.

 

Life is a process of learning to control the 10% of ourselves that we control, sometimes by countering the 90% that is our natural tendencies. I said as much in a group counseling session once and the councilor agreed, much to my surprise!

 

Religion gives us boundaries that make no sense and do not work. Buddha's teaching is ultimately practical. Ha. I seem to be promoting Buddha today. It works, though. You don't have to be Buddhist but to understand and apply the teaching is to learn now to be a better person.

 

My son has a bad temper too. He has had to overcome an incredible temper in the past few years. At three, as a foster kid, he would destroy whole rooms. Now he just snorts a little. It's all choice and understanding the consequences of actions. Nothing has ever leveled me out more than knowing how to do that and Buddha's teaching was what did the trick for me.

 

Good luck.

[Shyone]

Three words: Eight-Fold Path.

Well, two words, one hyphenated.

[Vigile]

Three words: Eight-Fold Path.

Well, two words, one hyphenated.

 

The pedant has entered the room.

 

Just kidding ya Shy.

[TedGresham]

Three words: Eight-Fold Path.

Well, two words, one hyphenated.

 

The pedant has entered the room.

 

Just kidding ya Shy.

ok, so would you settle for two and a half? or three-words? or Eight fold path. Or eight-fold-path. hmm...

[chefranden]

I'm writing from the authority of having PTSD myself.

 

Dealing with it required some steps.

 

1. Finding out that it was me not "them". That is not as easy as it sounds. I was convinced for years that everyone else was nuts and if I could just get them to see the light, life would be just hunky-dory for all concerned. The finding out process included:

 

• a. Going to see a therapist (my wife made me) that put me into a PTSD group that I attended once a week for years.
  
• b. Seeing a counselor for a number of years until she finally convinced me to be formally tested for it at a VA hospital.
  
• c. Becoming rageful and suicidal enough to be put in a VA loony bin for 3 months. It was here that I became convinced that it wasn't "them" after all.
  

 

2. Zen practice of a sort to mentally separate the feelings from the environment.

 

3. Agreeing to take drugs which made me mellow enough not to go off at every little irratation.

 

The process took about 10 years, most of it consisting of getting around to admitting the problem was me and not "them".

[florduh]

Hang in there, Quid. Most of us here will work with you.

[mwc]

I'm going with chef on this. 12 stepping isn't going to get you anywhere but more fucked up. My temper flares up on here every so often (especially if I'm feeling shitty from migraines and meds...the changing weather literally screws me around) and I can generally just walk away for awhile and let things settle (there have been a couple of times where that didn't work out) but with PTSD (I've known some folks) you've got to go above and beyond. It takes a serious commitment and effort on your part. I don't know anyone who managed to get "right" in anything less than years. They all seem the better for it though.

 

mwc

[qec]

It takes a serious commitment and effort on your part. I don't know anyone who managed to get "right" in anything less than years.

mwc

 

 

Yeah, I know. I attended 14 months of intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy at a halfway house where I met privately to discuss my PTSD issues twice a week, and where we met on the weekends to discuss the issues once a week. I've also bought a device that's used to treat the PTSD and it works neurologically. I'm trying to think of what else I've done. Hmmm I can tell you that if I didn't struggle with PTSD then I wouldn't come here, as coming here is practically a day program for me. If I got all my shit together then I would have little need for the support I find here and would just live my real life and be like whatever. I've spent three years dealing with my PTSD so I suppose I have seven more to go right? I would even say I am fairly at risk for homelessness at this point in my life, but curiously at this point I really don't care although people keep telling me I should care. Which is puzzling sort of, but not really in one sense. I can't figure out the real world, it's great.

 

Anyway where was I? Oh back to this stuff, I have to stop it altogether; no more shoutbox drama, etc. It will stop or I will get banned, simple as that.

[Midnight-mindwanderings]

I am sorry you have this struggle. I will try to help as much as I can as I am in the shoutbox frequently. I wasn't sure what would be useful. I have a lot of respect for you for being so open with this. You're a good guy, and as people have said, very smart. ((hugs)). I know you will overcome this.

[Franko47]

Hang in there, Quid. Most of us here will work with you.

 

 

I think more than a few members here sometimes wonder if they've freaked everyone out or rubbed someone the wrong way.

 

 

A while back some kind of fringe member told me that I was pretentious, repetitive, egocentric and not that funny.

 

 

And that my avatar was too loud. Now that kind of hurt. I like blue.

 

 

Whatever the case, Quid, you've got heart. I think most members here are always willing to go the extra distance with a member as long as they are being honest. I think we're a smart bunch here, and we catch on pretty quick when people are just playing games with us.

[qec]

I think we're a smart bunch here, and we catch on pretty quick when people are just playing games with us.

 

 

Well I would like to think I didn't spend all this time on this forum-I've actually been here since December 25th of 2008 if you check my FIRST ACCOUNT- just playing games with people I don't give a fuck about.

 

I mean, if I where just playing games, then spending day in and day out sometimes all day long on a forum with people here wouldn't exactly be the most productive place to simply play games and screw around. There are far better places to do that, and no one I know spends all day long on an internet forum for survivors of X-tianity for a year or more just because they want to play games. But that's my opinion, and I could be wrong.

 

I can say that I feel terrified of most people here because I can't understand them along certain lines. I don't know what it feels like to have gotten my first car, to have gone to highschool, to have had fun in college, or to have lived life and have a career. I don't know what it feels like to have been proud of myself because I got a driver's license or to be proud of myself because I work in a job where people appreciate my input. I don't know what it feels like to have had parties with friends in highschool doing either stupid and fun shit or geeky and cool shit. I don't know what that feels like. I don't know what it feels like to understand other people on a human level, and I default to realizing that we are not human and are just religious machines. I can't figure out what that feels like. I don't know what it feels like to have spent years and years in society from the ages of 14-27 (almost 28 now), because I didn't and because I still don't (still struggling to get the real world). I don't know what it feels like to understand American Society but I know what it feels like to understand and feel wanted by Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family, and Property. Chances are, for all I know, I am still wanted by those bastards, but just in a way that's different than it used to be..

 

You see, I just have to stop being angry with people I have very little in common with, very little in fact. Why hurt people, most of whom don't even come close to relating to me? That's not going to make them understand me anymore, and that's just going to give them something they don't get; something they understand even less. I need to just remind myself that once again I don't understand. I don't understand, that's it! I don't understand just as much as others don't understand me. So if there is a misunderstanding then I need to understand that it's best to just be rude a little bit, and not angry. It's best to be a smartass and not really get angry. Not passive aggressive, but just a little bit of a smartass. I feel extremely bitter, because I don't want to hurt anyone but I do it anyway. That just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and like maybe one day I'll get society. You know what makes me angry? The fact that I can't keep it together enough in the online world- not even just the online world. That's what makes me sincerely fucking angry. That's what makes me angry in a way that nobody or anyone here ever could. That makes me angry. When you fail at life, that's one thing, but if you fail at a virtual world and you can't even get the real world, then living outside of society altogether starts looking mighty attractive even. I am starting to think that "slipping through the cracks" is the way to go in life.

 

I feel bitter, I feel angry, I feel like the failure I am, I feel all these things because they relate to me.

[Legion]

That's what makes me sincerely fucking angry.

You've been cheated Quid. I'd be angry too.

[qec]

That's what makes me sincerely fucking angry.

You've been cheated Quid. I'd be angry too.

 

 

To paraphrase Agent Smith: "I'm not on here because I understand Society, I am on here because I don't understand Society".

Even at my best times trying to figure it out, and feeling good, and being out and about a bit, I still haven't managed to get it like others and I still felt terrified of people mostly. I just withdraw. What I need to do here is learn how to do that as well, and also learn how to bounce comments back I think. Not bounce them back childishly but just bounce them back a bit. I think developing a good set of quips might serve me well even if it doesn't wind up making any sense a lot of times.

[lunaticheathen]

Quid, you're not a failure - you're fucked up, you've been hurt and screwed in ways I can't imagine, but you got out of the situation that did it. That's something. You're still not out of the woods, but you broke through the fence.

I will do what I can to tip you off when you start to get out of hand, but I have temper issues of my own. I also get wounded easily by words, so blowing up at me usually gets people ducking shrapnel themselves. I have a frenemy presently who fears me hexing her, and I have to say, it's a little justified!

In any case, I'm glad you're going to look for help. PLEASE stick with it. I will be reminding you of it too!

[qec]

Quid, you're not a failure - you're fucked up, you've been hurt and screwed in ways I can't imagine, but you got out of the situation that did it. That's something. You're still not out of the woods, but you broke through the fence.

I will do what I can to tip you off when you start to get out of hand, but I have temper issues of my own. I also get wounded easily by words, so blowing up at me usually gets people ducking shrapnel themselves. I have a frenemy presently who fears me hexing her, and I have to say, it's a little justified!

 

I just feel like I shouldn't say anything but thank you. So thank you.

 

 

In any case, I'm glad you're going to look for help. PLEASE stick with it. I will be reminding you of it too!

 

 

Yes M'am, will do.

[qec]

I'm writing from the authority of having PTSD myself.

 

Dealing with it required some steps.

 

1. Finding out that it was me not "them". That is not as easy as it sounds. I was convinced for years that everyone else was nuts and if I could just get them to see the light, life would be just hunky-dory for all concerned. The finding out process included:

 

• a. Going to see a therapist (my wife made me) that put me into a PTSD group that I attended once a week for years.
  
• b. Seeing a counselor for a number of years until she finally convinced me to be formally tested for it at a VA hospital.
  
• c. Becoming rageful and suicidal enough to be put in a VA loony bin for 3 months. It was here that I became convinced that it wasn't "them" after all.
  

 

2. Zen practice of a sort to mentally separate the feelings from the environment.

 

3. Agreeing to take drugs which made me mellow enough not to go off at every little irratation.

 

The process took about 10 years, most of it consisting of getting around to admitting the problem was me and not "them".

 

 

I understand that the problem is me and not "Them" and I have no desire to change people in regards my PTSD. I only desire to figure out society enough to function in it and have a stable life with career identity, love identity (a woman), friends identity (a hobby), etc. You know, the thing 99% of people in American Society have everyday. I think it's called "happiness" when you get all those things working together somewhat smoothly right? I think so anyway. Maybe most people just call it the middle class and others just call it the upper lower class? Then I guess the stable few call it the upper class (they get it real good)?

 

My loony bin days are long over; I have spent a combined 4 months total in psychiatric wards, have taken almost every anti-psychotic imaginable, and quite a few anti-depressants, and that was all done before I ever got away from that crazy fucking group I was in. No, this is it: if I can't figure things out I will exit society. What does that mean? It means if I exit then I either get bohemian or make my own way. Society for me includes conventional interactions in virtual worlds as well. It's becoming painfully apparent that the two intersect.