Rage Issues

[qec]

Hopefully this won't come across the wrong way.

 

You are very intelligent. With that intelligence comes the ability to be calculating. Most people want to get something, not just be a disturbance. If they are being a disturbance they are either being completely irrational or they want something and they are just not thinking about the best ways to get something.

 

You go through periods where you practically beg to get banned; even in your own words. This, seems to me to represent periods where you are being completely irrational and uncalculating. By calculating I'm not talking about using others as it is often implied. I'm talking about something as simple as friendship and to a smaller degree, success.

 

Thanks for the compliments.

 

 

On a somewhat unrelated note, I was thinking about you as I watched the 1970s film "The Network" the other day. If you haven't seen it, it's about a news division in a fictional network. During the mid 70s the US was in the midst of a similar crisis as today; both politically and financially. People were pissed off and people wanted to act out. I don't blame you for being pissed off and wanting to act out. I feel much the same way about our current conditions. However, I played a little game with myself while watching that show. Knowing what followed, pretty much years of prosperity and a pretty good life for the average person over the following 20 or so odd years I had a hard time getting too pissed off about the policies of the 70s, which were much like the ugly policies of today. I think it's good that you feel and aren't shallow. But perhaps it would help to take a bit of the burden off by thinking of things in different terms?

 

 

Dude I don't give a fuck anymore, because other people don't. What's changed my understanding of things is the fact that others don't really care about things in the politics arena like I do. Why should I put my neck out for people who don't give two shits about me? Sounds like a good reason to get it chopped off if you ask me.

 

 

The bottom line here is only you can make a change. We can talk to you, until you become unbearable, but only you can really change things in your life. And like it or not, you can't change the world regardless of the fact that our culture tries to drill into our heads that individuals can make a difference.

 

All the best my friend.

 

Ps, I'm not convinced all your problems are caused by PTSD. You are a deep person and that means you care about the world around you. You feel you have the capacity and the obligation to change the world. Your level of obsession with it is possibly a PTSD issue but I think most people with your background might have very different responses to it. You are also, again, I think, struggling because you are an intelligent person living in a relatively unintelligent world and you pay attention when they, as in most, do not. Given that, I'd just go back to my first point, be calculating.

 

I just don't care anymore. I mean I care about stopping my manifestations of rage here because there is no excuse for it ultimately, because it hurts people, but the other wider problem of getting society is not something I care about anymore; it's done it's over, I don't get it. The end. I mean I guess I do, but not really. You get to a point where you realize quicksand is not going to change it's nature just because you want it to...

[Galien]

I just don't care anymore. I mean I care about stopping my manifestations of rage here because there is no excuse for it ultimately, because it hurts people, but the other wider problem of getting society is not something I care about anymore; it's done it's over, I don't get it. The end. I mean I guess I do, but not really. You get to a point where you realize quicksand is not going to change it's nature just because you want it to...

 

Rubbish. Defeatist bullshit Quid. You know more about my life than anyone. I will be fucked if I am going to let anything, ANYTHING fucking well defeat me. Not cults, assholes, difficult circumstances, mental illness, judgemental christian fuckwits,the fact i feel like NO ONE in the world understands my weird fucking mind, and most of all NOT my own mind, no fucking way in hell.

 

You are lucky I live on the other side of the world or I would be at your door slapping the fuck out of your sorry ass. Don't lie there and let life fuck you over. You have missed out on enough of life already, please don't let your own mind rob you of any more.

 

[qec]

I just don't care anymore. I mean I care about stopping my manifestations of rage here because there is no excuse for it ultimately, because it hurts people, but the other wider problem of getting society is not something I care about anymore; it's done it's over, I don't get it. The end. I mean I guess I do, but not really. You get to a point where you realize quicksand is not going to change it's nature just because you want it to...

 

Rubbish. Defeatist bullshit Quid. You know more about my life than anyone. I will be fucked if I am going to let anything, ANYTHING fucking well defeat me. Not cults, assholes, difficult circumstances, mental illness, judgemental christian fuckwits,the fact i feel like NO ONE in the world understands my weird fucking mind, and most of all NOT my own mind, no fucking way in hell.

 

You are lucky I live on the other side of the world or I would be at your door slapping the fuck out of your sorry ass. Don't lie there and let life fuck you over. You have missed out on enough of life already, please don't let your own mind rob you of any more.

 

 

 

I'm sure I'll do just fine outside of society, in fact I have little to worry about in a few senses. I'm sure with the rising homelessness in my country I'll fit right in with some people. I'm not sure I'm qualified to be in society really. Life's fucked plenty of much more deserving people over here who have families and wound up living in tent cities, so it's not the end of the world.

 

I think you mistake defeat with something else. Who says I am letting anything defeat me? If that where the case I would commit suicide, which I surely won't. My parents failed in their essential obligations to make sure I could understand society and was equipped well enough to function within it. I then failed later on as an adult to understand society and equip myself well enough to function in it. That failure lies on me and my folks and not other people. If it's "defeatist" to recognize the fact that I just can't seem to get along in society then I don't know what to say to you. I'm sorry, I just don't understand people here, and if you go back and read the last post I made on the first page then perhaps you might get a bit of a clearer picture as to why that is.

 

I will get help for my PTSD Rage issues as I said here but if I am a danger to myself and others verbally then it's because it's getting to the point that I can't figure out society itself. This is a larger issue, and blowing up at people is only one component of it. When I say this is a larger issue, I mean that real life situations are deteriorating for me because I cannot figure out what I should do in several important respects or what I am supposed to do, or even just how to get to the point to where I can engage day to day things that are bearable for others (job/college/social situations). I am through with the medicine, I am through with the shrinks, I am through with that shit; I tried that stuff before I ever even got out of my group. I am fucking done with it. I mean to say, that I can go get therapy but I will not be shopping around anymore. I was so drugged up on medicine at several points in my life that I would drool on myself in my own apartment, zoned out for hours on end, day after day for months at a time and I lost many years like that, and I don't intend for that to be the case again. I'm sorry, but that's just not going to happen. I don't care how many people here might even want it to happen, it's just not going to. I can also tell you from experience that being doped up on high amounts of anti-depressants and even high doses of anti-psychotics, did not stop me from blowing up on people-in fact I like to say that it just stopped ME (not them) from feeling so shitty after I DID blow up on people. I remember distinctly that it failed to stop me from blowing up on people, including my own mother. So at least as far as my PTSD Rage is concerned I am not going to be helping myself simply getting on medication. This is a fact, and it's unalterable due to life experience. What's going to help me is the therapists I will go back to see, and developing healthy habits in the stead of blowing up (behavioral modification). That's what is going to help me. Not making excuses for my actions and modifying my behavior, that is what is going to help me. Also, in case people are wondering, yes I failed my group too. Indeed perhaps that is a failure I should be really proud of, because I stuck it through to the end and wouldn't break down to the point they needed me to so that I could participate in another sector of the group more often. So there are some things to be proud of really.

 

Once I slip through the quicksand I might find a better world. Who am I to judge? I think I can deal with that world. Unlike most here, I have mastery of hunger and fatigue that few outside of people who take solemn vows for something like the Carthusian Order possess. I am well equipped to deal with the realities where I meet them. Well equipped in fact. In fact I lived my life quite a bit like a Carthusian for many years, hell it made my mother proud.

 

I am Hunger. I am Fatigue. People here just don't get that. They really don't.

[qec]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

[Vigile]

I can't figure out society itself.

 

Can you elaborate on what you mean by figuring out society? Do you mean just making friends, getting a job, getting along at work, finding a wife?

 

These aren't loaded questions. I'm just trying to gain understanding.

[qec]

I can't figure out society itself.

 

Can you elaborate on what you mean by figuring out society? Do you mean just making friends, getting a job, getting along at work, finding a wife?

 

These aren't loaded questions. I'm just trying to gain understanding.

 

 

I can't figure out the how/what/where/when of making friends, getting a job, getting along at work, finding a wife. As in nothing. A good analogy would be if a Martian touched down on Earth and set up base camp, and started to venture out. Oftentimes what I can figure out quickly puts me in the emotional equivalent of 4X emotional gravity of what I was used to. Which is weird because what I was used to was much more stressful than what most people deal with. I guess it's this weird thing where high stress becomes low stress really; they like switch or something? I am dysfunctional I can tell you that much. No matter how hard I try I cannot figure out what other people do day to day, what that means, how to obtain it, and how to be like them. This is very very basic stuff I can't figure out or even emotionally deal with. What I can figure out is very hard to emotionally deal with as well.

 

I literally cannot figure out how to get basic things that other people do day to day, what that means, etc. What I do get is very difficult to deal with emotionally and I spend most of my time interacting with society in a state of emotional Terror (that's right, not fear but actual Terror). I spent most time interacting with my group in this emotional state too, so it's not unfamiliar or Society's fault. Some people just don't make it in Society.

[RankStranger]

Quid- you've mentioned this fear before, regarding both the people around here and society in general. What exactly is it that you're afraid of? Is is about peoples' perception of you? Or how they will react to you? Or something else?

 

I'm not claiming to have any answers here... just trying to see where you're coming from.

[qec]

Quid- you've mentioned this fear before, regarding both the people around here and society in general. What exactly is it that you're afraid of? Is is about peoples' perception of you? Or how they will react to you? Or something else?

 

I'm not claiming to have any answers here... just trying to see where you're coming from.

 

I am not sure honestly. It's prolly because I wasn't raised like them so I don't get them if I had to guess. Let me think about that though.

 

Hmm, I think I am just really scared of people out here because I don't get what I am supposed to do or something. Actually I think that's it.

 

All these people, all these things, and no real way to make sense out of it and just be like everyone else. It's scary to me, really scary.

 

Being raised like everyone else would have meant being raised in a sort of religion where you get what you need to do, understand how it's done, how the parts interact, that it's ok to trust and love, how to feel safe, etc. If you check my last post on the first page you can see why this is not so.... I am not fucked up because I don't "innately" get things, I am fucked up because I was never taught how to. BIG DIFFERENCE between the two. Medicine and therapy will solve one of those scenarios (the one where you don't innately get things), and only CBT therapy and exposure can solve the other (as well as people who care).

[RankStranger]

 

I am not sure honestly. It's prolly because I wasn't raised like them so I don't get them if I had to guess. Let me think about that though.

 

I think it'd be helpful if you could pinpoint exactly what it is that you fear. Might help you address it.

 

 

Hmm, I think I am just really scared of people out here because I don't get what I am supposed to do or something. Actually I think that's it.

 

I know this is going to sound trite- but I don't think you're "supposed" to do a whole lot unless you just feel like it. What do you expect from others around here?

 

Personally, I expect others around here to share their knowledge, insight, opinions, and experience... maybe make an occasional joke. I expect them to avoid being a dick... or at least don't go overboard with it. And that's really about it. I mean, that's what I try to do... I assume others are doing more or less the same thing.

 

I don't think that anybody is requiring anything more than that of you.

 

All these people, all these things, and no real way to make sense out of it and just be like everyone else. It's scary to me, really scary.

 

Being raised like everyone else would have meant being raised in a sort of religion where you get what you need to do, understand how it's done, how the parts interact, that it's ok to trust and love, how to feel safe, etc. If you check my last post on the first page you can see why this is not so.... I am not fucked up because I don't "innately" get things, I am fucked up because I was never taught how to. BIG DIFFERENCE between the two. Medicine and therapy will solve one of those scenarios (the one where you don't innately get things), and only CBT therapy and exposure can solve the other (as well as people who care).

 

Yeah, I know you've come from a situation that most of us can scarcely imagine. I'm not pretending to understand exactly where you're coming from, or that our experiences are similar- I've had it pretty easy by comparison.

 

But lots of others, myself included, have missed out to some extent on what we're all told is the 'standard' upbringing, socialization, American Dream, etc. And one thing I've learned about "normal" people is that in the vast majority of cases, it's a facade. Most of us are missing something, don't 'get' society to some extent, are dealing with problems that everybody else just doesn't talk about during the normal course of a normal day.

 

And the best I can tell, everybody just puts on a socially acceptable facade, trudges through the day, and figures things out as they go. I think the lives of 'normal' people aren't necessarily as sterile, seamless, and fulfilling as they appear outwardly. That's just the facade. Not saying that's a BAD thing- it certainly makes it easier to get through the day- just saying that these happy, well-adjusted people that you can't relate to aren't necessarily so. They just LOOK that way.

[qec]

 

I am not sure honestly. It's prolly because I wasn't raised like them so I don't get them if I had to guess. Let me think about that though.

 

I think it'd be helpful if you could pinpoint exactly what it is that you fear. Might help you address it.

 

 

Hmm, I think I am just really scared of people out here because I don't get what I am supposed to do or something.

 

I know this is going to sound trite- but I don't think you're "supposed" to do a whole lot unless you just feel like it. What do you expect from others around here?

 

Personally, I expect others around here to share their knowledge, insight, opinions, and experience... maybe make an occasional joke. I expect them to avoid being a dick... or at least don't go overboard with it. And that's really about it. I mean, that's what I try to do... I assume others are doing more or less the same thing.

 

I don't think that anybody is requiring anything more than that of you.

 

 

 

What do you expect from others around here?

 

I just expect others to be themselves mostly. It would be nice if some could help me figure certain things out, but it doesn't seem like people can really. I mean it would help me to survive honestly, but I don't know that people here can do that and even what that would mean. Maybe if people here could help me find jobs and such, that would be nice . Low stress civilian jobs . I think slowly people here have helped me figure out the real world, and I am in a lot of debt to them for that. I am not really angry with anyone here mostly. Just terrified of people mostly. Mostly everyone here.

 

You ever heard that phrase "You fear what you don't understand?". Well when you don't understand people enough to be like them you can get really really afraid of people, as in actual terror. Which is why controlling my angry outbursts is good because I will be able to relate more and more the more I do that (not overreact) and just observe. Observe, ponder, figure out, assimilate, become like others

[Legion]

Quid in my assessment it is a sad fact that most of us like others based on how they make us feel about ourselves.

 

I will PM you sometime soon with some tricks I know that may help.

[qec]

Quid in my assessment it is a sad fact that most of us like others based on how they make us feel about ourselves.

 

I will PM you sometime soon with some tricks I know that may help.

 

 

Hmm, sounds good

[mwc]

Yeah, I know. I attended 14 months of intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy at a halfway house where I met privately to discuss my PTSD issues twice a week, and where we met on the weekends to discuss the issues once a week. I've also bought a device that's used to treat the PTSD and it works neurologically. I'm trying to think of what else I've done. Hmmm I can tell you that if I didn't struggle with PTSD then I wouldn't come here, as coming here is practically a day program for me.

I read recently that the Army(?) just came out with something that allows them to more quickly and accurately diagnose PTSD for their treatments. Something like an MRI? I actually only read the little synopsis so I'm not too sure what it was all about. It was in the last couple of weeks though.

 

If I got all my shit together then I would have little need for the support I find here and would just live my real life and be like whatever. I've spent three years dealing with my PTSD so I suppose I have seven more to go right? I would even say I am fairly at risk for homelessness at this point in my life, but curiously at this point I really don't care although people keep telling me I should care. Which is puzzling sort of, but not really in one sense. I can't figure out the real world, it's great.

I don't know. Is 10 the magic number? If so, then yeah...7 more to go.

 

But I can tell you that I think "real life" is one fucked up and confusing place at times. Sociologists sit around "figuring it out" and since they still sit around writing about it and all that I don't think they've managed to work it out to any level of satisfaction. I think it would be nice to just drop out though. But I also like to be clean (take a shower, wear clean clothes, etc.) so I wouldn't make a good homeless person. I'd have to go find a nice place in some rural area and live there sort of "off the grid."

 

Anyway where was I? Oh back to this stuff, I have to stop it altogether; no more shoutbox drama, etc. It will stop or I will get banned, simple as that.

Yep.

 

mwc

[qec]

Yeah, I know. I attended 14 months of intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy at a halfway house where I met privately to discuss my PTSD issues twice a week, and where we met on the weekends to discuss the issues once a week. I've also bought a device that's used to treat the PTSD and it works neurologically. I'm trying to think of what else I've done. Hmmm I can tell you that if I didn't struggle with PTSD then I wouldn't come here, as coming here is practically a day program for me.

I read recently that the Army(?) just came out with something that allows them to more quickly and accurately diagnose PTSD for their treatments. Something like an MRI? I actually only read the little synopsis so I'm not too sure what it was all about. It was in the last couple of weeks though.

 

If I got all my shit together then I would have little need for the support I find here and would just live my real life and be like whatever. I've spent three years dealing with my PTSD so I suppose I have seven more to go right? I would even say I am fairly at risk for homelessness at this point in my life, but curiously at this point I really don't care although people keep telling me I should care. Which is puzzling sort of, but not really in one sense. I can't figure out the real world, it's great.

I don't know. Is 10 the magic number? If so, then yeah...7 more to go.

 

But I can tell you that I think "real life" is one fucked up and confusing place at times. Sociologists sit around "figuring it out" and since they still sit around writing about it and all that I don't think they've managed to work it out to any level of satisfaction. I think it would be nice to just drop out though. But I also like to be clean (take a shower, wear clean clothes, etc.) so I wouldn't make a good homeless person. I'd have to go find a nice place in some rural area and live there sort of "off the grid."

 

Anyway where was I? Oh back to this stuff, I have to stop it altogether; no more shoutbox drama, etc. It will stop or I will get banned, simple as that.

Yep.

 

mwc

 

 

Yeah I wouldn't know much about PTSD per say really, I tend to have what's called Complex-PTSD or DESNOS, which is far far worse. By the time I learned what PTSD was I probably went through it hundreds of times. Just an FYI: I had Complex-PTSD/ DESNOS before I was ever in the military.

 

I don't know. Is 10 the magic number? If so, then yeah...7 more to go.

 

I think ten is an easy number when it's not you.... It's easy to toss numbers around when it's not you. I'm not tossing numbers at you am I? I think I'm just weak honestly man. Everybody goes through fucked up shit in life right?

 

Hell I dunno where I got Ten from, I thought someone (you) mentioned it here. Maybe chef said Ten was the number of years he needed to get over stuff in a PM he sent me. No big deal.

[Guest ephymeris]

It's up to you, even with help from others your perceptions and path are now ultimately up to you. I'm sure you know that. The intensity of your pain is astounding and justified, therefore, my heart hurts for you. I have no advice to offer you but I will do what I can to avoid escalation with you. I wish you the best.

[chefranden]

I can say that I feel terrified of most people here because I can't understand them along certain lines. I don't know what it feels like to have gotten my first car, to have gone to highschool, to have had fun in college, or to have lived life and have a career. I don't know what it feels like...

 

I had those typical teenage experiences and had me some friends based on it, but somewhere between leaving for basic training and coming home from war those fuckers got nuts. I didn't understand them. They pissed me off, and I quit 'em. Of course it wasn't them at all, but i didn't know it at the time.

 

You might try considering that your experience is unique, that you are in a sense a guy that can think out of the box, because you have been out of the box. In some sense you are the fool on the hill. You have insights that others don't and can't have. You can't force those insights on others. But they will come in ones and twos to get a piece of your wisdom, if you can become approachable.

 

You have been fucked like a guy with a lost arm, or half a face ripped off. It takes some doing to learn to do without essential bits, but it can be done. It's a bitch, but what else can you do? No matter how much or badly you want the sky to be green it is blue and that's that.

[Mike D]

the other wider problem of getting society is not something I care about anymore; it's done it's over, I don't get it. The end. I mean I guess I do, but not really.

Here's a thought: Fuck society

 

Honestly, who cares about society and why would you want to get it?

 

Fitting in is over-rated.

 

Normal is boring.

 

And there's nothing wrong with being fucked up.

 

Most people I know are fucked up (including myself to some extent), so you're in good company.

 

And you're a likable person.

 

Maybe you just need a little bit of confidence, perhaps?

[Vigile]

I can say that I feel terrified of most people here because I can't understand them along certain lines. I don't know what it feels like to have gotten my first car, to have gone to highschool, to have had fun in college, or to have lived life and have a career. I don't know what it feels like...

 

I had those typical teenage experiences and had me some friends based on it, but somewhere between leaving for basic training and coming home from war those fuckers got nuts. I didn't understand them. They pissed me off, and I quit 'em. Of course it wasn't them at all, but i didn't know it at the time.

 

You might try considering that your experience is unique, that you are in a sense a guy that can think out of the box, because you have been out of the box. In some sense you are the fool on the hill. You have insights that others don't and can't have. You can't force those insights on others. But they will come in ones and twos to get a piece of your wisdom, if you can become approachable.

 

You have been fucked like a guy with a lost arm, or half a face ripped off. It takes some doing to learn to do without essential bits, but it can be done. It's a bitch, but what else can you do? No matter how much badly you want the sky to be green it is blue and that's that.

 

Best advice in the thread IMO.

[qec]

I can say that I feel terrified of most people here because I can't understand them along certain lines. I don't know what it feels like to have gotten my first car, to have gone to highschool, to have had fun in college, or to have lived life and have a career. I don't know what it feels like...

 

I had those typical teenage experiences and had me some friends based on it, but somewhere between leaving for basic training and coming home from war those fuckers got nuts. I didn't understand them. They pissed me off, and I quit 'em. Of course it wasn't them at all, but i didn't know it at the time.

 

You might try considering that your experience is unique, that you are in a sense a guy that can think out of the box, because you have been out of the box. In some sense you are the fool on the hill. You have insights that others don't and can't have. You can't force those insights on others. But they will come in ones and twos to get a piece of your wisdom, if you can become approachable.

 

You have been fucked like a guy with a lost arm, or half a face ripped off. It takes some doing to learn to do without essential bits, but it can be done. It's a bitch, but what else can you do? No matter how much or badly you want the sky to be green it is blue and that's that.

 

 

I am not asking anyone to change, I must change. I am here to learn from others and not the other way around. I'm sorry, I just really can't relate to your sentiments here chef.

 

Only the strong survive, the weak get cut down. Only the fit survive.

 

I don't give a fuck about the insights I supposedly have and I don't think there are many people that give a fuck about whatever unique insights I may or may not have either. Why? Well here is why: Unique Insights and other such bullshit doesn't pay bills and enable you to get along in Society, have a stable life, have a love life, etc. Whether that society be here on this forum or anywhere else. Unique insights can go fly a fucking Kite. There are lots of homeless people with really unique insights I am sure, and people don't give a fuck about them just the same. I am not aiming this at you just so you know. My probably not so unique insight is that unique insights aren't worth a hill of beans in the Real World. If you spend ten years living like a monastic cenobite as well as a monastic hermit and traumatizing the fuck out of yourself while always hoping for a better life which better life you are constantly reminded (by those dictating your life) that you can't have, then you just wasted ten years and no one gives a fuck about you just the same...

 

People here don't piss me off as much as they terrify me. All in all I am more terrified really. I don't get pissed off because people don't get my point of view. I get pissed off because I feel neglected and the Terror sinks in when I realize I can't understand anyone.....

 

I don't know how to communicate needs like others do, I don't understand what basic things others take for granted mean, I don't understand how to do what I need to do to stay in society. I don't understand what the environments out here mean or what they are supposed to mean. I don't understand what I "should" do and have great difficulty telling myself what I should do, and I don't understand how to find love either. I don't understand what it means to figure things out that I need to in order to survive in this environment, and I don't understand peoples' emotions relating to the day to day stuff they do. I don't understand how to assimilate and figure out other people and I don't understand what to do to keep myself in Society. I don't understand the Society I now find myself in and I don't understand what to do to begin understanding that society. I don't understand why people here can't help me understand these things, and I don't understand how to do anymore than I already am (the very best that I can).

 

You see I have no profound truths to offer anyone here, except the fact that I am a very ignorant person that doesn't understand lots of things. Profoundly ignorant about the real world and how to function in it. The "profound truths" I face is that if I can't find work I shall soon be homeless. And there's nothing unique about that profound truth either as plenty of people experience it everyday in these economic conditions... I am no different should I experience that....

[qec]

Maybe you just need a little bit of confidence, perhaps?

 

No, I have confidence.

[Franko47]

Hey, Quid. I wasn't implying that you were insincere with us or anything. Maybe I should have worded that differently. Sorry if that made you wonder. In fact, I was pointing out that despite your problems you come across as quite a genuine person at this board.

 

Anyway, we're with ya, man.

[qec]

Cut down the weak, only the strong survive.

[qec]

I am glad you posted this Quid. I appreciate that you have insight into the problem.

 

Not sure what else to say.

 

Thank you.

[qec]

If you have the introspective capacity to acknowledge an anger problem, you've already taken a great step towards dealing with it. Yes, sadly these sort of emotional surges are textbook PTSD. However not knowing your prior history I would have assumed that it stemmed more from you being a passionate person, easily frustrated and disappointed with people. This much I can relate to, and I would recommend what works for me. A sense of detachment, or an acute awareness of the scale of our world that dwarfs our own petty concerns. This at least has helped me with what used to be a notorious temper.

 

 

Thank you for this recommendation. This is an interesting experience. I must admit it is difficult to realize the scale of things when the scale of things is crushing you.

[qec]

Hopefully this won't come across the wrong way.

 

You are very intelligent. With that intelligence comes the ability to be calculating. Most people want to get something, not just be a disturbance. If they are being a disturbance they are either being completely irrational or they want something and they are just not thinking about the best ways to get something.

 

You go through periods where you practically beg to get banned; even in your own words. This, seems to me to represent periods where you are being completely irrational and uncalculating. By calculating I'm not talking about using others as it is often implied. I'm talking about something as simple as friendship and to a smaller degree, success.

 

On a somewhat unrelated note, I was thinking about you as I watched the 1970s film "The Network" the other day. If you haven't seen it, it's about a news division in a fictional network. During the mid 70s the US was in the midst of a similar crisis as today; both politically and financially. People were pissed off and people wanted to act out. I don't blame you for being pissed off and wanting to act out. I feel much the same way about our current conditions. However, I played a little game with myself while watching that show. Knowing what followed, pretty much years of prosperity and a pretty good life for the average person over the following 20 or so odd years I had a hard time getting too pissed off about the policies of the 70s, which were much like the ugly policies of today. I think it's good that you feel and aren't shallow. But perhaps it would help to take a bit of the burden off by thinking of things in different terms?

 

The bottom line here is only you can make a change. We can talk to you, until you become unbearable, but only you can really change things in your life. And like it or not, you can't change the world regardless of the fact that our culture tries to drill into our heads that individuals can make a difference.

 

All the best my friend.

 

Ps, I'm not convinced all your problems are caused by PTSD. You are a deep person and that means you care about the world around you. You feel you have the capacity and the obligation to change the world. Your level of obsession with it is possibly a PTSD issue but I think most people with your background might have very different responses to it. You are also, again, I think, struggling because you are an intelligent person living in a relatively unintelligent world and you pay attention when they, as in most, do not. Given that, I'd just go back to my first point, be calculating.

 

 

Thank you for the response Vigile. Right now my trust is zero, for everyone in this thread. Only I can make a change enh? Regarding the rage you are correct...

 

So I am a deep person then, but what does that really mean? Also, as far as "changing" the state of things in my country, you needn't worry about me there. I won't be changing anything when people are changing it themselves. Why fight predators? You're right, I can't change the world. What I can do is watch people eat each other....