Rage Issues

[buffettphan]

Quid, I don't post a whole lot in the forums, but I do read here frequently. I'm ex-catholic too, so right from the beginning your posts really caught my eye. You were dealt a shitty heartbreaking hand, but I hope you can see in yourself what others here see in you -- your great insight, intelligence, sensitivity, and courage. Please try not to be so hard on yourself (yeah I know -- easier said than done). Lots of us care about you .... including the (mostly) quiet ones like me.

 

Wish I could say or do something to lessen the hurt.

 

Big Hug,

BP

 

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P.S. Just wondering if you've read any posts by or spoken with VirginiaRodriguez aka Barbie Brains, a member here (and on Disqus) who was once a nun in the Opus Dei?

[qec]

Quid, I don't post a whole lot in the forums, but I do read here frequently. I'm ex-catholic too, so right from the beginning your posts really caught my eye. You were dealt a shitty heartbreaking hand, but I hope you can see in yourself what others here see in you -- your great insight, intelligence, sensitivity, and courage. Please try not to be so hard on yourself (yeah I know -- easier said than done). Lots of us care about you .... including the (mostly) quiet ones like me.

 

Wish I could say or do something to lessen the hurt.

 

Big Hug,

BP

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

P.S. Just wondering if you've read any posts by or spoken with VirginiaRodriguez aka Barbie Brains, a member here (and on Disqus) who was once a nun in the Opus Dei?

 

 

I have not spoken with or corresponded with Virginia Rodriguez and I did not know she was in Opus Dei, (a Nun? wow). I knew she was a Catholic but I did not know she was in Opus Dei. Perhaps I should contact her and try to correspond. Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family, and Property is an esoteric society/cult that actually merited the condemnation of the official Brazialian NCCB (National Catholic Council of Bishops) in 1984 or 85 (forget exactly when). That was what I was a part of (America Needs Fatima/TFP). However I did read and study a little bit of the spirituality of Blessed Jose Maria Escriva (Opus Dei's founder). Mostly though I just concerned myself with St. Louis De Montfort's True Devotion to Mary, Secret of the Rosary, and a few other books of this sort. I had numerous friends in yet another cult- TFP and Opus Dei are both considered sociological cults in certain circles even though Opus Dei is an officially approved order and TFP is an esoteric society- called the Legionaries of Christ/Regnum Christi or simply just the Legion. Er, where was I? Oh yeah, anyway maybe I should get in contact with her.

[qec]

double post

[buffettphan]

I have not spoken with or corresponded with Virginia Rodriguez and I did not know she was in Opus Dei, (a Nun? wow). ....

 

I think BB escaped from Opus Dei -- much to the dismay and shame of her family -- right before she took her final vows. She equates it to leaving the groom at the altar. Knowing that the Opus Dei is officially approved by the RCC and knowing about just a few of BB's experiences (wearing the clice and other things similar to those recently posted about the former pope) makes me shudder. What happened to you makes me want to puke.

 

 

You might find the following thread interesting. She begins posting on 8/02/2008 @ 5:40pm as Barb (near the end of the thread). There are several comments both from and to her covering a span of a few days.

 

http://exchristian.n...omment-32316548

 

If none of this is helpful for you, please disregard my blatherings....

[qec]

I have not spoken with or corresponded with Virginia Rodriguez and I did not know she was in Opus Dei, (a Nun? wow). ....

 

I think BB escaped from Opus Dei -- much to the dismay and shame of her family -- right before she took her final vows. She equates it to leaving the groom at the altar. Knowing that the Opus Dei is officially approved by the RCC and knowing about just a few of BB's experiences (wearing the clice and other things similar to those recently posted about the former pope) makes me shudder. What happened to you makes me want to puke.

 

 

You might find the following thread interesting. She begins posting on 8/02/2008 @ 5:40pm as Barb (near the end of the thread). There are several comments both from and to her covering a span of a few days.

 

http://exchristian.n...omment-32316548

 

If none of this is helpful for you, please disregard my blatherings....

 

 

I can see why she would equate it to leaving the groom at the altar. I was in Holy Slavery to the Virgin Mary for a decade. it was very sad and ruthlessly disorienting and traumatic to realize it was not nearly as real as I thought it was. It was also very traumatic to have had to engage in some of the things I engaged in, because it tore me up inside even though some of it was good. it traumatized me badly, very badly. It was very harmful.

 

I suppose if you read the topic about the Pope then you read my response.... Well I was fairly dedicated. I suppose the end point is that Religion hi-jacks the mental and sexual faculties and induces various degrees of harm. Which isn't to say that Humans can't do the same thing to each other, because they can, but at least with another Human you are getting the real deal in a physical sense. Just having a lack of physical touch itself is traumatizing and psychologically unhealthy even. When I see some of the monks who live in monasteries now describing their joy, I truly understand the battle they face of redirecting their misery and offering it up while trying to fight their own nature. If you are not asexual then living in chastity for the rest of your life will be extremely traumatic, extremely traumatic. Even being dedicated to Jesus or the Virgin Mary. I can't imagine how it would be anything other than this. Even though Religion can hijack your sexuality and mental faculties, it is still a fake and a false substitute for the real thing it poses as an Imposter for. All the talk about taking up your Cross, or the talk of imitating the Virgin Mary and bearing pain daily, of disattaching yourself from people and things, it all speaks to trauma in a way. It doesn't have to, but it does in a way. I am still rather confused about things that happened to me, and how it all pans out, but the most crushing thing was realizing that the BVM did not exist. It literally devastated me for weeks, on an emotional level. It was horribly devastating, horribly. It would be like watching you Dominatrix, your Goddess, die, being helpless to stop it. It would crush you. It did crush me, very badly. All that suffering I went thrugh in life also harmed me, but I took that for the BVM, even though my life became a living, waking Hell (every moment of it). Even though I traumatized myself through fasting, sleep depravation, even forms of torture, mortification, I still always felt that the misery would pay off or make sense or something. It just made me more and more and more traumatized, over and over and over again. Until I was deply sad, and in despair that I could never escape. It was hell, in every sense of the word.

 

The idea is to baby step yourself up to severe penance, which I did. The thing is, it's not what it's cracked up to be and despite how real I thought and felt the BVM to be, it was still fucking traumatizing, and still made my life hell. I think one of the core concepts I got was that the best penance was one where you denied yourself where it hurt the most, whether that be things that induce a large amount of physical discomfort or just minor seeming things that induced a major amount of emotional or mental discomfort. In the end emotional and mental discomfort was the goal, with the end goal being the gained ability to follow "God's Will" more closely. So the best penances were the ones that simply denied you something you wanted badly. And then offering it up to the BVM to give to Jesus as a gift was the end result. For the Queen. I remember one anology used in that the Queen could give the King the spiritual offering in a more pleasing and worthy manner; so various devices where used to indoctrinate me into believing that I would serve the King by Proxy, by making his Queen happy. Well there where times when I was a bit of a happy motherfucker, and there where times when I was not, but overall I was traumatized as shit day in and day out and my life was constantly miserable. Constantly. That love for the BVM always felt so hollow, so very hollow. Like it felt real, but it was just so hollow anyway. God it was so traumatizing.

 

Anyway. I read what Barbiebrains wrote, I feel bad for her. She seems to have recovered ok, and that's good I am willing to bet she probably went through The Forge by St. JoseMaria Escriva several times even. I never got into most of his stuff but I did read a bit of it during adoration. I was the kind that actually enjoyed practicing religion hardcore, and that in a sense made my journey less traumatic. But it was still deeply traumatic, deeply. God, it's just. I think what some Prisoners of War go through comes close really. Just being an out and out Hostage for years on end. It's fucking crazy. No way out, eternal hellfire within. The ever Present Now. The shit FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!! God. God it fucking sucked.

[buffettphan]

I suppose if you read the topic about the Pope then you read my response....

 

 

Yes, whenever I check for new comments and see one from you, I read it. So I think I've read most, if not all, of your posts.

 

 

 

The shit FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!

 

Yes it does. Although I know I can't know exactly how you feel, I know that it FUCKING SUCKS and I wish the harm done to you could somehow be undone. I wish I could help, even in just some small way, but I really don't know what to say or do.

[qec]

I suppose if you read the topic about the Pope then you read my response....

 

 

Yes, whenever I check for new comments and see one from you, I read it. So I think I've read most, if not all, of your posts.

 

 

 

The shit FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!

 

Yes it does. Although I know I can't know exactly how you feel, I know that it FUCKING SUCKS and I wish the harm done to you could somehow be undone. I wish I could help, even in just some small way, but I really don't know what to say or do.

 

 

Well I will say thanks. I think right now your input is valuable and helping quite a bit.

[qec]

I have a rotten temper. It is "tempered," so to speak, with a sense of compassion and respect. Even so, I can get pissed on occasion. Ask my kids!

 

Three words: Eight-Fold Path.

 

Life is a process of learning to control the 10% of ourselves that we control, sometimes by countering the 90% that is our natural tendencies. I said as much in a group counseling session once and the councilor agreed, much to my surprise!

 

Religion gives us boundaries that make no sense and do not work. Buddha's teaching is ultimately practical. Ha. I seem to be promoting Buddha today. It works, though. You don't have to be Buddhist but to understand and apply the teaching is to learn now to be a better person.

 

My son has a bad temper too. He has had to overcome an incredible temper in the past few years. At three, as a foster kid, he would destroy whole rooms. Now he just snorts a little. It's all choice and understanding the consequences of actions. Nothing has ever leveled me out more than knowing how to do that and Buddha's teaching was what did the trick for me.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I am going to check out this eight fold path you speak of. I do believe these things have value as I practiced these sorts of things for many years in another form (although this form was far too harsh). It is just I have been scared to approach anything smacking of even just spirituality. What is apparent is that I need to return to what I was doing before, but this time in a different form... Thank you very much for this advice. I will also look into Zen and the Tao as well. Not as a belief system, of course, but as a way of betterment and a path to inner peace.

[qec]

I'm going to just mention this thread when you get out of line. I hope I won't have to.

 

 

It is my order of business to make sure you don't have to.

[chefranden]

Sucking it up is not bringing me any closer to figuring out society. Whether that's here or out in the real world. I can't figure out the real world man, I can't figure out "the world" man. I can't. OK? Like, do you understand what I am saying? I am trying to tell you that my mind can't assemble it and figure out what to do with it so that I can be like other people.

 

What does "figuring out society" mean? And how would you benefit from doing so? I can't figure out society either. However, by hook or crook I can coexist with it.

 

Anyway I agree you can't anymore than a guy without a left arm can stir his coffee with his left hand. Given the fact that you can't now what?

How hard are you willing to work on these coping skills?

 

What I mean by sucking it up is accepting that you are broken and working hard on finding and practicing a different way to do what needs to be done.

 

You are angry that you are broken and that is one of the steps of grieving, step 3 anger and bargaining. It's up to you how long you are going to stay there. Maybe you need a few more months or years to be pissed.

[qec]

Sucking it up is not bringing me any closer to figuring out society. Whether that's here or out in the real world. I can't figure out the real world man, I can't figure out "the world" man. I can't. OK? Like, do you understand what I am saying? I am trying to tell you that my mind can't assemble it and figure out what to do with it so that I can be like other people.

 

What does "figuring out society" mean? And how would you benefit from doing so? I can't figure out society either. However, by hook or crook I can coexist with it.

 

Anyway I agree you can't anymore than a guy without a left arm can stir his coffee with his left hand. Given the fact that you can't now what?

How hard are you willing to work on these coping skills?

 

What I mean by sucking it up is accepting that you are broken and working hard on finding and practicing a different way to do what needs to be done.

 

You are angry that you are broken and that is one of the steps of grieving, step 3 anger and bargaining. It's up to you how long you are going to stay there. Maybe you need a few more months or years to be pissed.

 

 

Well I am getting down to business on step three as it applies to other people with issues of Blowing up. That's because regardless of anything else I can't be hurting people. It's not right, I hit rock bottom, and I am powerless. I will get over it.

 

For me "figuring out society" is hard to define but it boils down to doing basic stable things that others do: emotional capacity to work, figure out social interactions and have enough of an emotional battery to do so as everyone else does so, have a stable love life (identity), career/work life (identity), and hobby life (identity). Even if it's on a sort of "take it easy" approach I would like to get society enough so I can build these sides of Identity. One of the things with DESNOS/C-PTSD is you lose all sense of who you are, everything. You instead get this hostage mentality and severe issues coping with society, kind of like POW's or Conc camps survivors have or long term Child abuse survivors have where the parents controlled every facet of the child's life and severely restricted outside access to anything (including people), or like some people who get into sociological cults might have (and get out). The more separate you are from "the world" (Society) and in a hostage traumatic situation of the sorts I just described, the more annihilated your identity becomes, the more you develop unique forms of Stockholm Syndrome, and the more of a fucked up time you have figuring out "the world" aka Society once you finally get away.

 

Basic shit people take for granted I can't even begin to figure out. That's what being in some fucked up group for ten years with severely restricted societal contact can do to you. The more and more you distance yourself from "the world" aka Society, the harder time you have figuring it out when you get away from fucked up traumatic shit. Make more sense now? It's hard to get, and that was my point really.

 

Anyway I do very much appreciate your post, what you are saying does kind of make sense. As far as needing a few more years, I don't see it that way. I just see Rage as unacceptable to other people, and hurting other people. I do now that is. So I will do my best to redirect it and also stop it in the instance it occurs. I am familiar with the stages of the grieving process, I learned about them in CBT. The thing is, the "real world" (aka "the world" aka "society") doesn't care you are grieving one iota, unless you are in virtual Society like Ex-C. But as far as the "real world"? They could give a fuck less, as you already know. And as you aptly pointed out it's not them that's wrong it's you that's wrong. Well in this case that applies to me with the way I outputted my Rage onto others here (it's happened in the Real World too). So it's time to stop that. It's irresponsible, it hurts people, so there's no excuse for it, period.

 

Enh anywway where was I? Oh yeah, I need to "get" society enough to avoid winding up fucking homeless. Maybe I won't? Plenty of people who suffer from PTSD (much less DESNOS) don't and wind up on the streets, so it wouldn't really surprise me if I did let's just say. It's just that I want to avoid that if I can, the thing is I might not be able to. Either way I am told it's better to stay in society and try to get it, and that I should, and so I struggle to figure out what to do so I can do this.

 

Anyway, thanks again chef, and I do appreciate your input, believe it or not. I think I was wrong about the friends part, I do have friends here. It's weird really, and I am glad I am allowing the wounds to heal rather than fighting people and making them back off when I get triggered. When I get triggered, what needs to happen is I need to suck up the Rage and then redirect it or diffuse it in the moment using other techniques. That's what I can suck up. But complaining? No way, can't do that. Will wind up homeless if I don't try to get Society, and complaining about it might lead to more clues. Maybe not but I can try.