Life Is Great As Ex-Wife Of Pastor

[lost in space]

I have been wanting to post an update for a while. When I wasn’t doing well, I remember appreciating reading the posts of those who had found their way through the fall-out and were enjoying their lives like never before. I certainly am.

 

When I first posted here, it was two days after realizing that my faith had completely shattered. I was not in good shape. The foundation on which I had lived my whole life was gone and I didn’t know what to do. I was also almost as deep into Christianity as one could be as a pastor’s wife who had started a church out of her home alongside her husband. I can still remember being so overwhelmed by it all – a feeling that was so very physical, as if I had lost all control.

 

I never posted much because I was never comfortable with the public nature of it and always wished I hadn’t posted after I had. However, I read a lot, particularly in the first six months, and made two friends who helped me to find myself and the strength to get out. The first friend helped me to believe that I might be of interest or value again in my life, as I had shriveled into such a shadow of my former self in my marriage. The second friend supported me on a daily basis, helping me to work through all the fall-out, and to realize my own strength. I don’t know where I would be without them.

 

I left my marriage last April and I haven’t a regret in the world. I gave myself a year just to take care of myself in the short-term and try to do the things I missed out in my younger years because of religion. It has been wonderful and I have never been happier. I am nearly at the end of that year and I don’t feel the need to fit anything more in.

 

I have two children, ages 5 and 8. I want to share about them a little, because I know my biggest concern was that they shouldn’t be made to pay for my freedom. They are both doing extremely well, although they understandably would prefer that we all live in one home. They are both aware that I do not believe in God, and any conversation we have about religion involves a discussion of what I believe, what their father believes, and an indication that if they have more questions they should talk to their father. Whenever we discuss things like where people come from, I always tell them that it is one of the toughest questions people ask themselves and adults have a hard time figuring it out. I let them know that they can believe what they want, and that they can change their minds.

 

I think that is the biggest gift I can give them, the understanding that they can change their minds, and that isn’t a weakness. I remember holding onto my faith so tightly…being so very proud of it. It was, because of my childhood, so much a part of my identity that I didn’t know who I was without it. It also permitted me to be manipulated and played against myself.

 

A little story: My eldest daughter wrote a little book called “Audrey’s ‘I Believe in Miricles’” (Audrey is her younger sister). I groaned inside a little as she gave it to me and was already spinning in my mind how I was going to respond. But, as I opened the book and read the pages, I was delighted to read a book about what a difference she can make supporting various charities, and each page dealt with a different charity Sophia had supported through school or church or home. No mention of God at all, which is quite right.

 

I have one area that is still painful: my relationship with my parents. They were very supportive of me in leaving my marriage because they could see how my husband’s hypocrisy was destroying me (quite literally – the physical, emotional and professional transformation I have made since leaving him speaks for itself). However, now that I am free from that, they are broaching the subject of religion again. My father cries when we talk about it. My mother keeps sending me book recommendations. I understand that the combination of their beliefs and love for me make this inevitable, so I let it go. In one conversation, I explained to my father how bad Christianity was for me, how it ate me up and gave me no comfort at all. Then, when he commented that he wondered what he had done wrong since none of his children are religious, I told him the only reason I stayed a Christian so long (despite a degree in Philosophy) was because he and mom acted with such integrity in their Christianity and I respected them so much, that I held on despite all indications to the contrary. Of course, then he connected the two and said that then I must feel that it is because of my love for them that I was hurt so badly by Christianity. I hadn’t meant to say that, but I had.

 

Anyway, I have written a lot here, but I wanted to share because there is no way I could have seen the transformation in my life when I first posted here.

 

I got the tattoo just before going home for Christmas…not to show it off, but to have it under my skin as I sat in church with my parents. In fact, it was terribly itchy on Christmas day and I enjoyed the act of rubbing my back along the pew. The tree is made up of the word KNOWLeDge, and I am sure the various associations will not be lost on the people here.

 

[florduh]

Congratulations on all the positive changes, and that is one AWESOME TATTOO!

[Shyone]

Congratulations on all the positive changes, and that is one AWESOME TATTOO!

Here, here.

[Kurari]

That is a BEAUTIFUL tattoo, and so very appropriate. Congratulations on your newfound freedom and renewed life again!

[lunaticheathen]

Yay! Good luck on your continuing journey, and, again, GREAT INK!!! Hope you tipped your artist lots!

[MWTP]

Nice tat! Love the way the word is woven into the design!

[lulukan]

I LOVE the tat and I love your story. I have not "come out" to my parents... yet. I am sure they will wonder where they went wrong and cry and call my siblings and talk bad about me, but that is nothing new, I have always been considered the black sheep. Oh well.

 

Thanks for sharing and I am glad you got out!

 

Do you share custody with your ex?

 

Lulu

[Animania]

Congratulation on life! It's great to hear success stories. I'm hoping mine is a success story in the making too. And that tatoo is gorgeous!

[godlessgrrl]

Wow. That is probably one of the most beautiful tattoos I've ever seen in my life. Way to go!

 

Welcome back and glad you escaped.

[HRDWarrior]

Great tattoo, very original, I love the design and the meaning. It's always great to hear from those who have dealt with the hard sides of leaving christianity and finding that inner peace and sense of freedom - thanks for sharing your update.

[lost in space]

Thanks for all the compliments on the tattoo! I was lucky to find such a great artist who translated my poorly sketched idea into something I loved.

[lost in space]

I LOVE the tat and I love your story. I have not "come out" to my parents... yet. I am sure they will wonder where they went wrong and cry and call my siblings and talk bad about me, but that is nothing new, I have always been considered the black sheep. Oh well.

 

Thanks for sharing and I am glad you got out!

 

Do you share custody with your ex?

 

Lulu

 

I hope it goes reasonably well when you decide to "come out" to your parents. I knew it would be an issue between me and my parents, but I hadn't guessed how raw it would be. My only advice would be to remind yourself that apathy on their part, when they believe what they do, would mean they didn't love you. Sucks, but it is true.

 

I do share custody with my ex, almost half/half. The same things that were good when we were married are good now, and the same problems exist as well. I think the fact that I left while we still had some goodwill between us is a very good thing. And I think the girls are getting better parenting out of each parent, and they sense this. I expect we will hit many bumps in the road in the future, but it is worth it for them to know me as the joyful person I am now, rather than the run-down person I was in the marriage.