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Lame Jokes

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Dear Mary,

 

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great and I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone. I'm sorry, but clearly I don't have the same feelings for you, as you have for me. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

 

Take care,

John

 

 

So Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her friends and colleagues for any attractive snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the handsome men she had collected. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

 

 

Dear John,

 

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*ck you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

 

Sincerely,

Mary

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I've been laughing for five minutes. My partner is in the other room asking me to shut-up as he can't hear the TV.

 

Priceless!!! :lol:

 

IBF

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Guest BimmuDorgir

Lame jokes? OK...

 

There were these two muffins chillin' in the oven. One of them said to the other, "Man, it's hot in here. I'm burning up!"

The other muffin responded, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

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A blonde sees her boyfriend cheating on her, so she goes home, pulls out a gun, and decides to shoot herself. But, before she can, her boyfriend walks in. "No! Don't do it!" He shouts.

 

 

The blonde yells "Shut up, you're next!"

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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to

the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and

discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family

expanded, so would his paycheck.

 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation

decide to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There

was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's

additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got

up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a

little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a

gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers". And

the congregation said, "Amen."

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A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

 

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

 

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

 

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

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Mommy's Washcloth

 

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs? She responded, "It's my washcloth". Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother: "What happened to your washcloth?" The mother responded, "I lost it".

 

The little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, I found your washcloth, the mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it and she is washing daddy's face with it."

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Dear Mary,

 

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great and I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone. I'm sorry, but clearly I don't have the same feelings for you, as you have for me. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

 

Take care,

John

So Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her friends and colleagues for any attractive snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the handsome men she had collected. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

Dear John,

 

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*ck you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

 

Sincerely,

Mary

 

 

HEY! That's mine!!

 

Only it was a male marine who got the letter, and he sent pics of girls, some rather XXX in nature... :smile: .

 

Merlin

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A blonde sees her boyfriend cheating on her, so she goes home, pulls out a gun, and decides to shoot herself. But, before she can, her boyfriend walks in. "No! Don't do it!" He shouts.

The blonde yells "Shut up, you're next!"

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Merlin

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Thank you for nearly making me buy an new keyboard.

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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

 

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The

teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

 

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

 

He did it and returned to his class.

 

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

 

"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.

 

"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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Coffee Maker

 

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee in bed. He had made it all by himself and was so proud. He waited eagerly to hear her verdict on the quality of the coffee.

 

The grandmother had truly never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee. The first few sips just about did her in, but she praised her grandson, told him it was wonderful, and drank it all anyway. As she forced down the last sip, she noticed three little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

 

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

 

Her grandson replied, "You know, grandma, it's like on TV: 'The best part of waking up... is soldiers in your cup.'"

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Trial of Little Old Lady

 

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

 

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

 

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

 

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

 

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

 

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

 

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

 

Defense Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

 

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

 

Defense Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

 

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

 

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard!

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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes turned to him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...............I'm a gynecologist."

 

That's when the proctologist fainted.

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Two men are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly, one of the men collapses, he has no pulse and isnt breathing. Paniking, the other man calls 911 on his cell phone.

"Help! I think my friend is dead!"

The 911 operator tells him to calm down. Then she starts giving him instructions.

"First sir, lets make sure your friend is dead."

A moment of silence, then a gunshot is heard.

The man gets back on the phone: "Okay, now what?"

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There was a couple that was married for 20 years,

and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on turning off the lights.

 

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.

She figured she'd break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex,

she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw him holding a dildo.

 

She was so upset. "You impotent bastard,"

she screamed at him, "how could you lie to me all these years?

You'd better explain yourself !"

 

He looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly,

"I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our 3 kids."

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

 

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

 

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

 

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

 

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

 

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

 

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

 

The kid says, "One."

 

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

 

The kid says, $101,237.64."

 

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

 

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

 

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

 

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

 

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

 

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

 

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

 

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

 

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

 

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

 

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She

bundled him in the closet stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

 

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

 

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

 

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

 

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

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OK, I AM cleaning out the lame jokes philez.. A few more to cause pain and coffee/soda BFfFFFts...

 

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car.

They said "Heavens no, we bought it."

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away."

They said "We can't drive."

He said "Then why did you buy it?"

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

 

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

 

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

 

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

 

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

 

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

 

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

 

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

 

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples

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The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

 

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

 

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

 

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

 

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

 

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

 

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

 

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

 

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

 

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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