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Goodbye Jesus

Lame Jokes


sexkitten

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Q. What has eight legs, three heads, and two hands?

 

A. A man riding a horse carrying a chicken.

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Q. What did the leper say to the hooker?

 

A. Keep the tip!

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Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

A. It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

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Q. What makes less noise than a plastic orchestra?

 

A. A rubber band.

 

(got that off a laffy taffy wrapper one day :rolleyes: )

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Q. How do you get a one-armed Aggie out of a tree?

 

A. Wave to him!

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Q. What's green and red and goes 1000 miles per hour?

 

A. A frog in a blender.

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when

 

the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that

 

flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your

 

fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly

 

and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

 

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic But let me

 

ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass,

 

the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns

 

out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

 

Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

 

"Then why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you

 

don't know shit?"

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A duck walked into a pharmacist's office and said, "I need some Chap-Stick. Put it on my bill."

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The Zoo

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

 

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

 

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two

chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I

don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."

 

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the

blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

 

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

 

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World

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A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it

over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and

opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them

at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard

men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very

long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches

the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling 'What is going on here?' 'My car

broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly. 'Well, what the heck are these

obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' asks the Officer...

 

 

'Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!' she replied.

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Ahhh, blonde jokes ...

 

The other day, I was mowing my lawn when my neighbor -- a blonde woman -- walked out of her front door, strode to the mailbox, and opened it. She bent to peek in, then shrugged her shoulders, closed the mailbox, and walked back inside. I went on with my yard work and thought nothing more of it.

 

Until ...

 

Five minutes later, she came out of the house and did the same thing again. To the mailbox, opened it, looked in, closed it, and went back inside -- this time with a distinctly visible look of irritation on her face.

 

Whatever it is she's waiting for must be pretty damned important, I thought. And almost before I could finish that thought, here she came again. Same performance -- out to the mailbox, open it, peek, and so on. Except this time she slammed the box shut, and began to storm back across the lawn in obvious fury.

 

I couldn't restrain my curiosity any longer. "Must be something really urgent," I called.

 

She whirled around and gave me an exasperated look. "I don't know if it is or not. But my damned computer must be messed up. Every minute or so, it pops up this little thing that says, 'you've got mail'!"

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A man had a friend who owned 2 very intelligent porpoises. They could do

 

amazing tricks, and communicate with humans very well. After much urging,

 

the owner agreed to sell the porpoises to his friend. "But remember this,"

 

said the seller: "The porpoises will never die as long as you feed them each

 

one live seagull every day. As soon as you miss a day, they will die."

 

The new owner transported the porpoises to his home, and placed them in his

 

outdoor swimming pool, where he kept them alive and well for some time. Each

 

day he would go down to the beach, capture 2 live seagulls, and bring them

 

home to feed to the porpoises.

 

One day as he was returning home with a live gull in each hand, he found a

 

lion lying across his doorstep, basking in the sun. He became panicked,

 

because he knew that if he didn't get through to feed the porpoises, they

 

would die. So he jumped over the lion and ran quickly into the house.

 

Inside, much to his surprise, were two FBI agents who promptly placed him

 

under arrest. "What's the charge?" asked the stunned porpoise owner. "What

 

have I done wrong?"

 

"You, sir," replied one of the FBI agents, "are being charged for illegally

 

transporting captive gulls across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!"

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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?

"I'm out of gas."

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minute later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and

into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

 

The bee answered, "BP."

 

 

 

 

The swarm of bees where headed to the BP station to get fuel for the gentleman. As they got closer to the station they all headed straight for the pumps. All but one. He flew to the ESSO station across the street. The queen bee sees this happen and is most upset. Shakes her head and says to the nearest drone " It just never fails, every swarm has to have one ESSO bee in the crowd"

 

 

 

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it

over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and

opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them

at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard

men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very

long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches

the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling 'What is going on here?' 'My car

broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly. 'Well, what the heck are these

obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' asks the Officer...

'Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!' she replied.

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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the

Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of

pornographic magazines"

 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

 

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash"

 

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room

putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"

 

"Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

 

"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.

 

The third nun said, "Oh sh1t."

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 

Last week a fortuneteller who happened to be a midget escaped from prison. Naturally, this story was picked up by the national media, but nowhere was it put so succinctly as in the headline of the local newspaper, whose headline read: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE.

 

 

Who fills eyeglass prescriptions on the Alaskan islands?

 

An optical Aleutian!

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A farmer had a horse. He had a persistent problems with birds who would build their nests in the horse's mane. The farmer tried everything: physically removing the nests, poisons, scarecrows, sealing up the barn and locking his horse in, in an effort to keep the birds from getting in. Nothing worked. One way or another the birds found a way to get back and start building their nests again.

 

At his wits end, he asks his veterinarian about the problem on one of is horse's checkup. The vet advised the farmer to rub yeast in his horse's mane.

 

The farmer was confused very skeptical, but he was desperate. He picked up a package of yeast and rubbed it through his horse's mane. The next day, the birds, and their nests, were all gone, and they never returned again.

 

At his horse's next veterinary visit the man said to the vet: "Doc, your cure worked like a charm, and I'm grateful, but I just don't understand how the yeast could possibly have worked. Could you explain?" "It's very simple," said the veterinary: "Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."

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The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

 

No one moved.

 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

 

Again all was quiet.

 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

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Three Little Pigs...

 

 

...were playing together one day when they heard the rumble of the big bad wolf, so one hid in his house of straw, the other in his house of sticks, and the other in his brick house.

 

Da' wolf schmelt da' piggies and started going door to door, starting at the house made of straw. "Lemme' in or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow yer door in!" "Fuck that!!!' said the little piggy as he ran out the back door to his buddy's place with the stick house, where his bud let him in, to safety, or so he thought.

 

Da' wolf blew in the door of the straw house and found nobody home and said, "The little bastage, he schuck out on me!!" So he ran out the open back door next door, to the house of sticks, where he proclaimed at the back door, "Lemme' in, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow yer fucking door in you fucking twerps!!!" "Oh shit!!!" said the two little piggies as they bolted out the front door, and ran over to the their buddies house who lived in the house made of bricks.

 

Da' wolf blew in the door of the house made of sticks and found nobody home and said while huffing and puffing from smoking too many cigars, "I'm gettin' too old for this shit!! Where's my fucking inhaler!!!" After a 2 minute breath check and stealing a beer from the fridge he said, "Ok, one more time..." and he bolted out the door, to the house made of bricks, and while standing at the front door he proclaimed, "Lemme' in damnit, or I'll huff and I'll puff [cough] and I'll [cough], awwww fuck, I'll fucking puke on your front door!!!"

 

Da' little piggie who owned the brick house looked at his shaking little piggie friends and said, "Lemme' make a quick call..." and he picked up his cell phone, dialed a number, said a few words, then hung up. Da' little shaking piggies looked at each other with fear in their eyes and said, "Who did you call, we're about to get puked on and eaten by the big bad wolf!!!" D'a piggie said, "I orded a 'couple pies with extra cheese...just kiddin'!!!"

"You ASSHOLE!!!" they both said..."...we're about to get eatin' and you're ordering fucking pizza??!!!!" "Eh, calm down you asshats!!" said the piggie. "Not to worry, me budz are on their way...listen."

 

Da' little piggies didn't hear anything at first, until they heard skreetching tires in the distance, which got closer and closer, then they heard FA fire, so they ducked down as bullets were flyin' through the windows of the brick house, but the brick house owning piggie just stood there. Then silence...not a sound could be heard...the scared little piggies slowly got up off the floor and carefully peeked out the front window, to see the big bad wolf laying flat, 20 toes to the ceiling, in a pool of blood. "Holy SHIT!!!' the two said as they opened the door and saw the carnage.

 

 

"Who were those guys?!!!"

 

 

To which the cellphone totin' brick house ownin' piggie replied, "Oh, themz wuz my cousins, the ginny pigs!"

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This morning I rear-ended a car at some light while not really paying attention.

 

Anyway the fella who was driving got out...and he was a dwarf!

 

He said "I'm not happy"

 

I said "Well, which one are you then?"

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This morning I rear-ended a car at some light while not really paying attention.

 

Anyway the fella who was driving got out...and he was a dwarf!

 

He said "I'm not happy"

 

I said "Well, which one are you then?"

 

 

I bet he was grumpy. ;-)

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This morning I rear-ended a car at some light while not really paying attention.

 

Anyway the fella who was driving got out...and he was a dwarf!

 

He said "I'm not happy"

 

I said "Well, which one are you then?"

 

 

I bet he was grumpy. ;-)

That's funny on so many levels..... :HaHa:

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This morning I rear-ended a car at some light while not really paying attention.

 

Anyway the fella who was driving got out...and he was a dwarf!

 

He said "I'm not happy"

 

I said "Well, which one are you then?"

 

 

I bet he was grumpy. ;-)

 

I'd have felt bashful, but I'm odd like that...

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Don't step on the Ducks !!

 

Three women die together in an accident

and go to heaven.

 

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

 

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

 

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

 

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

 

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

 

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

 

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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Doctor and lawyer vacation

 

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

 

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

 

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

 

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

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After getting divorced from a 12 year marriage Cindy decided she should get back into the dating scene. She went to a local bar where she always saw lots of cars and plenty of men coming and going. Cindy went up to the bar and before too long there were a few guys hitting on her. After being in a boring marriage for so long she was enjoying all the attention and starting to get a little tipsy.

 

Chip, one of the better looking guys, asked her if she’d like to go back to his place and seeing how the alcohol and attention had gotten her rather horny she said yes.

 

It didn’t take long for them to fall into bed and Chip was down between her legs licking away. As Cindy was really getting into it Chip looked up and said...”Urinate.”

 

Confused, Cindy asked…”What?”

 

“Urinate!” Chip said.

 

Well, it had been a long time since Cindy had been with anyone except her husband and she wanted to please Chip so she tried as hard as she could and all the drinks she had earlier that night just started to flow.

 

Chip, still licking away between Cindy’s legs, got a mouthful and jumped up, choking and coughing, with piss dripping from his hair and face.

 

“What the fuck did you do that for?!?” he shouted.

 

Shocked, Cindy replied “You said urinate!”

 

Chip looked at her and said “Well, you were but now you’re a fucking six!”

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