Lame Jokes

[♦ nivek ♦]

"Doc, I have a problem.

 

My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is

sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.

 

I need 3 viagra pills to satisfy them all."

 

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty

dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition

you return to my office on Monday so I can check you out."

 

The man says, "You have a deal, Doc."

 

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

 

The doctor says, "What happened?"

 

The man answered, "Nobody showed up"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

 

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

 

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

 

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 

"Tiger Woods."

 

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

 

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

 

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

 

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

 

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

 

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

 

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

 

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

 

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

 

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[♦ nivek ♦]

This one three crutches lame:

 

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

 

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

 

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

 

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

 

16 years later

 

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

 

"What?"

 

I pissed out a bullet.

 

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

 

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

 

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

 

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

 

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

 

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[Casey]

Little Johnny's mother caught him trying to sneak out of the house one afternoon after he'd got home from school.

 

"Where do you think you're going?"

 

"I'm just going down to the cathouse"

 

Wham!

 

She catches him sneaking out a second time. Same question.

 

"I'm just going to the brothel!"

 

Didn't he catch hell then and his mother added, "Young man, you just wait till your father comes home!"

 

To which little Johnny replied, "Fine! And when he gets home, tell him to go pick up his own wallet, willya?"

Casey

[♦ nivek ♦]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided

to use a

surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy

father

was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm

off. The man should

be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby

photographer

rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 

"Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've

been expecting you", Mrs Smith cut in. "Really?"

the photographer asked.

 

"Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

 

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please

come in and have a

seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well,

where do we start?"

 

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,

one on the

couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living

room floor is

fun too; you can really spread out!"

 

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't

work for Harry and me."

 

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every

time. But if we try

several different positions and I shoot from six or seven

angles, I'm sure

you'll be pleased with the results."

 

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a

man must take his time. I'd love to be in & out and

out in five minutes,

but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."

 

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a

portfolio of his

pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

 

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging

at her handkerchief.

 

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -

when you consider

their mother was so difficult to work with."

 

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes,

I'm afraid so. I finally had to

take her to the park to get the job done right. People were

crowding around

four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

 

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes

widened in amazement.

 

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for

more than three hours, too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,

when

the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed

it all in."

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually

chewed on your,

um..... equipment?"

 

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready,

I'll set up my tripod so

that we can get to work."

 

"Tripod??"

 

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's

much too big

for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.........."

 

"Good Lord, she's fainted!"

[♦ nivek ♦]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how

would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

 

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

 

"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you

say it?"

 

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right

back."

 

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom

at the table.

 

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show

us your good manners?"

 

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake

hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet

after supper."

[♦ nivek ♦]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,

interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a

woman.

 

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal

door and handed him a gun.

 

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the

circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a

chair. Kill Her!

 

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The

agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife

and go home."

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went

into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with

tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

 

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go

home."

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,

to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were

heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the

walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

 

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death

with the chair."

[Guest Tiffany]

Lame jokes?  OK...

 

There were these two muffins chillin' in the oven.  One of them said to the other, "Man, it's hot in here.  I'm burning up!"

The other muffin responded, "Holy shit!  A talking muffin!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

[Asimov]

A penguin walks into a bar, asks the bartender "hey, have you seen my brother?"

 

Bartender asks "I dunno, what does he look like?"

 

 

I don't know why I love that one...it's the dumbest joke I've ever heard, but it's also one of the funniest....except for that muffin one, I almost died.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hey, Nivek, lots of funny stuff you posted. The one about teaching manners to boys going on dates is very clever.

 

I heard the "beat to death with the chair" joke, too, in a different guise: an Irishman, an Italian, and a German. It's great when you say it with the accents, esp. a thick German accent on "ze gun vas loaded mit blanks, I vas forced to use ze chair"

[Barnacle Bill]

Lame huh?

 

A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a

rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid

hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit

jumped in front of the car and was hit.

 

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an

animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road,

and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt

so awful, he began to cry.

 

A woman driving down the same road came along, saw

the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled

over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man

what was wrong.

 

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally

hit this rabbit and killed it."

 

The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what

to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a

spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead

rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto

the animal.

 

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up,

waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down

the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped,

turned around, waved again, hopped down the road

another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty

yards.

 

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out

what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!

 

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in

your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

 

The woman turned the can around so that the man

could read the label. It said: "Hair spray.

Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.

[Barnacle Bill]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City office

building when a young and

beautiful woman gets on the elevator smelling of expensive perfume.

 

She turns to the old woman and arrogantly says, "Romance" by Ralph

Lauren, $150 and ounce!"

 

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, also

smelling of expensive perfume. She

turns to the old woman and arrogantly says, "Chanel No.5, $200 an

ounce!"

 

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and

is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over

and farts and says, "Asparagus,

$.49 a pound"

[Barnacle Bill]

hmmm....this really wouldn't be funny in real life, now would it?

 

There was this successful, happily married gent called Mike, who was looking

forward to the day his expectant wife would deliver. All went smoothly as she

neared the estimated delivery day. Then, as sods law would have it, he got a

call from home while he was in another part of the country attending to

business, stating that his wife had gone into labor and was on her way to the

hospital. Wasting no time, he quickly closed the deal and sped off in his car

to be with his wife, but due to traffic and other delays, he didn't arrive

until after she had given birth.

 

Rushing into the hospitals' waiting room, he was met by a good friend of

the family.

 

"Don't worry", his friend reassured him, "Your wife gave birth

to twins, a little boy and a little girl, and they are all doing fine.

Your brother John was here to help her through the birth, and he even

named the twins in your absence."

 

Mike felt the blood drain from his face, as his brother John was a

notorious practical joker. "Oh no", he groaned, "What did he call them?"

 

"Well", answered his friend, "He called the little girl Denise".

Mike issued a sigh of relief, "Thank goodness for that", he said, "And

what did he call the little boy?"

 

"Denephew" answered his friend.

[Barnacle Bill]

The Pillsbury Doughboy - dead at 71.

 

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

 

Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

 

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.

 

The graveside was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

 

Doughboy rose quickly in the show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

 

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.

 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Barnacle Bill]

The below material may not be suitable for all audiences...

 

Once a koala bear was in Singapore on business. As he was on his way to the

convention center one evening, he was

accosted by a street walker, who wiggled her hips at him lasciviously and

inquired, "You wanna sugar, ten dollah?"

 

"What?" replied the koala. "What do you mean?"

 

"I a prostitute," answered the hooker. "Come back my apartment and I show you."

 

So the koala went back with the hooker to her apartment, and they looked up

"prostitute" in the dictionary. It said,

"One who provides sex for money."

 

"Oh-ho!" said the koala. "Well alright then!" And they got down to business.

 

Afterwards, the koala got up, put back on his clothes and was about to leave

when the prostitute yelled at him, "Hey,

you forget something! You no pay me!"

 

"Au contraire," replied the debonair koala. "Look up "koala" in the

dictionary."

 

So the hooker did, and it said, "Marsupial. Eats bush and leaves."

[Barnacle Bill]

A prominent physician was asked to speak to the Ladies' Auxiliary on "How to

Improve Your Sex Life." Being a rather modest man, however, he couldn't

bring himself to tell his wife the subject of his talk. He told her instead

that it was called "Tips for Safe Sailing." Several days later, the

doctor's wife bumps into a woman at the supermarket who had attended the

lecture.

 

"Your husband's speech was wonderful," she enthused. "He gave us

so many great tips--he really knows what he is talking about!"

 

"That's odd," said the wife, "because he's only done it twice. The first

time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

[Barnacle Bill]

Billy Bob and Billy Joe, two rednecks from south podunk, decided that they

weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to

get ahead. Billy Bob went to see Professor Homer, who told him to take

math, history, and logic.

 

"What's logic?" asked Billy Bob.

 

Professor Homer answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a

weedeater"?

 

"I sure do!" answered Billy Bob.

 

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the

professor.

 

"That's real good!" Billy Bob responded in awe.

 

Professor Homer continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have

a yard, you also have a house."

 

Impressed, Billy Bob shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!"

 

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

 

"Yes! She's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Billy Bob was now obviously

catching on.)

 

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are

heterosexual," said Professor Homer.

 

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascination' thing I ever

heard tell of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class of yours."

 

Billy Bob, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the

hallway, where his friend,

 

Billy Joe, was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? asked

Billy Joe.

 

"Math, history, and logic," replied Billy Bob.

 

"What in tarnation is logic"? asked Billy Joe.

 

"Let me give you an example," smiled Billy Bob. "Do ya' own a

weedeater"?

 

"No," replied Billy Joe.

"You're queer, ain't ya'?"

[narcissist]

Two spews were walking down the street.

 

One said to the other: "I was brought up here."

[Barnacle Bill]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her

nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms.

Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long

vacation."

 

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to

borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog

says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the

bank manager.

 

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that

he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if

he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have

this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch

tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the

manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and

says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to

know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as

collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the

heck is this?"

 

(Are you ready ???)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So the bank manager looks back at her and says:"It's a knick knack,

Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Barnacle Bill]

There was this couple who had been married for 50

years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old

gentleman said to his wife, "Just

think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at

this breakfast table together."

 

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds

fifty years ago."

 

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

 

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

 

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples

are as hot for you today as they

were fifty years ago."

 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the

other's in your oatmeal!"

[Barnacle Bill]

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space

shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

[Barnacle Bill]

A guy was out hunting and spots a bear. He takes aim and fires his

rifle. He looks through his scope but can't find the bear so he runs

over to the spot where he last saw it and looks.

 

There's a tap on his shoulder, he turns around and there is the bear.

 

The bear says,"What's your name?"

 

The man answers, "Bbb..bob".

 

The bears says, "Well Bob, you have two choices. I can rip you to

shreads or you can dance with me."

 

Bob ponders this for a second and obviously chooses to dance with the

bear.

 

It was one of the worst experiences he ever had. The bear had his

paws all over him taking indecent liberties, but it was over in a few

minutes and the bear let him go.

 

Humiliated, Bob wants to get even with the bear so he gets a machine

gun and goes out looking for the bear. He sights the bear and lets

loose a volley of gun fire. But when he stops and looks for the bear

he can't find him. He feels a tap on his shoulder, turns and there

stands the bear.

 

The bears says, "Bob, now I'm getting ticked. This time not only do

you have to dance with me, but you have to kiss me."

 

Bob thought the dancing was bad, but the bear breath made the kiss

unimaginable. But he did it and once again the bear let him go.

 

Now, Bob was really mad so he ran and got a grenade launcher. He

sighted the bear and fired. When the smoke cleared, once again he

couldn't find the bear. He feels a tap on his shoulder, turns and

there stands the bear again.

 

The bears pauses a moment, looks Bob straight in the eyes and says,

"Bob, be truthful, you didn't really come here to hunt now did you?"

[Barnacle Bill]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or

any sex in quite some time. She

was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to

seek the medical expertise of a

sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see, the well-known

Chinese sex therapist, so she went

to see him.

 

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all

you crose."

 

The woman did as she was told.

 

"Now, get down and craw reery,reery fass to odder side of room."

 

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

 

Dr. Chang then said,"Ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

 

So she did.

 

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You

haf Ed Zachary Disease.

Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

 

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed

Zachary Disease?"

 

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied,"Ed Zachary Disease is

when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[Barnacle Bill]

Macho, Macho Man

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and

after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

 

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I

don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the

table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin,

and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me

a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand

that there'll be incredible sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether

you're here or not."

[Barnacle Bill]

The Old Rooster

 

 

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The

current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years.

 

And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he

buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the

barn yard.

 

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little

worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to

do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the

new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well

I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird.

And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.

We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the

hens for himself."

 

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was

more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And

since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap.

I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

 

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the

hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start

cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still

maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a

little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead

continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in

front of the young rooster.

 

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets

his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is

after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running

around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He

immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

 

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........

 

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."