Lame Jokes

[LivingLife]

[dyanaprajna0]

Here's one my step-dad told me a long time ago:

 

A man, his wife, and their son went to a nude beach on vacation. The wife lays a towel out and lays down, while the husband wanders off and the boy goes off to play. After a little while, the boy comes running up to his mom and says "mommy, mommy, there are girls here with boobies bigger than yours!" The mom says "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy goes off to play some more. A little while later he comes back and says "mommy, mommy, there are boys here with thingys bigger than daddy's." "The bigger they are, the dumber they are" the mom says again. The boys goes off, and again comes back and says "mommy, mommy, I just seen daddy talking to the dumbest girls I've ever seen, and the more she talked, the dumber he got!"

[dyanaprajna0]

Here's another one:

 

Jesus was hanging on the cross, and John stood a ways off.

"John come here, I have something I want to tell you" Jesus said.

John came a little closer, and said "yes Lord, what is it you wish to tell me?"

"A little closer John" Jesus replied.

John gets right next to the cross and says "Tell me Lord".

Jesus says "just a little closer John".

John gets a ladder, and climbs right up next to Jesus' face and says "what is it you wish to tell me Lord?"

"John...I can see your house from here."

[florduh]

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

 

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

 

So I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

 

He said, "Beats the shit out of me,nobody ever let me in before."

[stryper]

Why is a cobbler better than Jesus?

 

 

A cobbler really will heel you, save your sole, and even dye for you.

 

Ouch. I think I may need to lay down after that one.

[Eugene39]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

[LivingLife]

How do Republicans define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

[Eugene39]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy when a traffic officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the triangle reflector on the back of your buggy is about to fall off." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would fix it immediately. Also," said the woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[LivingLife]

The Tale of the Pope and the hair...

 

 

A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"

 

"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.

 

"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"

 

"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.

 

"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"

 

"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."

 

"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"

 

 

A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"

 

"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continentals newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."

 

"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"

 

"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"

 

The woman replied........

 

He said 'Where the fuck did you get that lousy hairdo??"

[LivingLife]

Steven buys a Harley Davidson.

 

The store Salesman tells him: "Whenever it's about to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust."

 

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents and they take his new bike.

 

But just before they enter into her house, she says: "I have to tell you this - when we eat, we don't talk.

 

In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

 

"Okay", Steven says

 

They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Steven decides to test the situation.

 

So he reaches over and grabs his Girlfriends Boob.

 

Nobody says a word; so he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there in front of her parents.

 

But again no One says a word.

 

So he grabs her mom, bends her over the table and nails her.

 

But still, TOTAL SILENCE.

 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

 

Steven remembers his bike and pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

 

The father instantly stand up and shouts: no not me "I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!!

[LivingLife]

 

Adam and eve were in the Garden of Eden, and eve had not been there long and Adam was trying to get a grasp on the female thing, so he asked god if they could talk.

 

God replied, "Sure you’re my son and I love you, you can ask me anything."

 

So Adam asked, "God you have given me the beautiful flowers and the sunset....but I look at eve and she is so beautiful it takes my breath away. Why god, did you make her so beautiful?"

 

God replied, "My son that is easy, I made her that way so you would love her."

 

Adam replied, "Well, it worked but I have another question. I touch the cool water and rub the furry animals and they feel so good to me but when I touch Eve and it is so wonderful my heart almost stops. God, why did you make her that way?"

 

God replied, "Well Adam that’s easy, I made her that way so you'd love her."

 

"Well" Adam replied, "It worked, I do. But god I have one more question and I don't mean to question your wisdom or anything, but God she's stupid, why did you make her stupid?"

 

God replied, "My son that’s easy I made her that way so she would love you"

[LivingLife]

(your most hated person here) decided to renovate his home and chose to move out into a larney furnished apartment while renovations were in progress.

 

After a night out at the local bars and highly intoxicated he returned home in the wee hours of the morning with a few of his mates.

 

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends he led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

 

“What's that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.

 

“That's the magic talking clock,” the man replied.

 

“How does it work?”

 

“Watch” he said giving it an ear-shattering pound with his fist.

 

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “For fuck's sake, you wanker, it's two in the fucking morning!”

[NeverAgainV]

 

Adam and eve were in the Garden of Eden, and eve had not been there long and Adam was trying to get a grasp on the female thing, so he asked god if they could talk.

 

God replied, "Sure you’re my son and I love you, you can ask me anything."

 

So Adam asked, "God you have given me the beautiful flowers and the sunset....but I look at eve and she is so beautiful it takes my breath away. Why god, did you make her so beautiful?"

 

God replied, "My son that is easy, I made her that way so you would love her."

 

Adam replied, "Well, it worked but I have another question. I touch the cool water and rub the furry animals and they feel so good to me but when I touch Eve and it is so wonderful my heart almost stops. God, why did you make her that way?"

 

God replied, "Well Adam that’s easy, I made her that way so you'd love her."

 

"Well" Adam replied, "It worked, I do. But god I have one more question and I don't mean to question your wisdom or anything, but God she's stupid, why did you make her stupid?"

 

God replied, "My son that’s easy I made her that way so she would love you"

Voted that one up! Funny!!!

[LivingLife]

My son, Mitchell, a kindergärtner, practices spelling with magnetic

letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been

proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready

for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms

outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: 'G'-'O'-'D'

 

'Look what I spelled, Mom!' Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

 

'That's wonderful!' I praised him. 'Now go put them on the fridge

so Dad can see when he gets home tonight.' That Catholic education

is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

 

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. 'Mom? How do you

spell 'zilla?''

[LivingLife]

Thought you lot would enjoy this one (maybe a oldie but I enjoyed it) - Especially for BO

Top Ten Signs the United States Is Running Out of Money

 

 

10. For $10,000, you get your face on the dollar

9. The White House now has a two-drink minimum

8. There's a listing on eBay for North Dakota

7. Barrack Obama sold his Nobel Prize to 'Cash4Gold'

6. Americans now attempting to sneak into Mexico

5. Renting Biden's house to backpacking German tourists

4. Costs $25 for each bag the president wants to check on Air Force One

3. John Boehner (aka the Prince of Orange) getting paid in beach bum tanning gift cards

2. Country is moving in with England until we get back on our feet

1. Applied for a $40 billion loan from Oprah

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Two men are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly, one of the men collapses, he has no pulse and isnt breathing. Paniking, the other man calls 911 on his cell phone.

"Help! I think my friend is dead!"

The 911 operator tells him to calm down. Then she starts giving him instructions.

"First sir, lets make sure your friend is dead."

A moment of silence, then a gunshot is heard.

The man gets back on the phone: "Okay, now what?"

That should totally be a blonde joke! Like the blonde is out hunting with her boyfriend or something. Good one though nonetheless.

[LivingLife]

Beer joint sues church

 

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

 

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

 

After the bar burned to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

 

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

 

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

[LivingLife]

Afraid to Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox

Channel Offers Welcome Break from Reality, Psychologists Say

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – With unprecedented crises engulfing the world, millions of television viewers are finding the news too stressful to watch – and are turning to the Fox News Channel instead.

 

"Things are so bad in the world right now, many people are afraid to watch the news," says psychologist Davis Logsdon, who studies the relationship between news consumption and stress at the University of Minnesota. "For them, Fox News represents a welcome break from reality."

 

Tracy Klugian, 37, a systems analyst from Lansing, Michigan, said that he was flipping the channels to find "anything but news" and found himself watching Fox for the first time.

 

"Things are so bad in the world right now, many people are afraid to watch the news," says psychologist Davis Logsdon, who studies the relationship between news consumption and stress at the University of Minnesota. "For them, Fox News represents a welcome break from reality." more...

 

An exciting new job for Glenn Beck

 

Glenn Beck Moves to Sci Fi Channel

No Format Change Necessary

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Landing on his feet just hours after his program was dropped by Fox News Channel, controversial host Glenn Beck announced today that he had just inked a new contract to join the cable network Syfy, formerly known as the Sci Fi Channel.

 

Speaking at a press conference announcing the move, Mr. Beck told reporters, "The best part of this deal is that I won't need to change my format at all."

 

Mr. Beck said that his program was "a perfect fit" for a schedule of programming packed with aliens, paranoid conspiracy theories and alternative universes. (more...)

[Eugene39]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking some weed when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

 

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After awhile the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

 

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

 

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking some weed, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

 

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink?"

[stryper]

Really obse co-worker came up with the best weight loss solution.

 

CRACK!

 

Then join betty ford to recovery. The former Dr in the office suggested that he just get a tapeworm. "It's like having a pet."

 

These are the people who work as data analysts and programmers.

[Leith]

Little girl in Primary is drawing a picture of a biblical scene. The teacher looks over her should and see that child has drawn an airplane with several windows and passengers. The teacher, curious, asks what biblical scene this might be. The little girls says, "This is Joseph and Mary's flight into Egypt." Looking further, the teacher replies, "I recognize Joseph and Mary and the baby Jesus, but who is that flying the plane?" The little girl says, "Oh, that's Pontius Pilot"

[mcdaddy]

A man walks into Dr. Phil's office and lays down on the couch for a therapy session.

 

"What seems to be bothering you, Dave?" asks the doctor.

 

"Well, the other day I'm doing some chores upstairs, and I look out the window and I see my neighbor's 15 year old daughter walk out in her bikini. I watched as she rubbed in the tanning lotion and laid out besides the pool. "

 

"Alright. What happened next?"

 

"Well, my wife had made a run to the grocery store, and I had gotten a rather large erection, so I proceeded to unzip my pants and began to masturbate vigorously.....After about 5 minutes, I heard something, so I spun around, and to my surprise, my wife was standing there, staring at me."

 

 

 

 

 

"is she a pervert?"

[Endemoniada]

What do you call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern's circumference to its diameter?

 

Pumpkin pi.

[Leith]

"Hit me", said the masochist.

 

"No", said the sadist.

[Fweethawt]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,so they voted to take turns.

 

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man,what happened to you?

 

He said,'Bob snored so loudly,I just sat up and watched him all night. '

 

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,same thing - hair all standing up,eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man,what happened to you?You look awful!'

 

He said,'Man,that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

 

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man;a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man,what happened?'

 

He said,'Well,we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,patted him on the butt,and kissed him good night.

 

Bob sat up and watched me all night.'