Lame Jokes

[stryper]

A higgs -boson walks into the cathedral.

 

A priest stops it an says he's not allowed in.

 

The Higgs-Boson replies, " well how can you have mass without me?"

[Fweethawt]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

 

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this fucking bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Realist]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ... I assumed you had stolen the car!!"

[Realist]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

The sign on the cage said only £50.00!

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad....."

 

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

 

The girls and the woman began to laugh about this considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

 

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith!"

[Eugene39]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

 

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

 

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

 

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

 

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

 

"It just worked for me," he replied, and hung up.

[LivingLife]

Stolen LMAO

[Jose]

Q - What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?

 

A - Clawing at the lid of his coffin.

 

 

Q - How many LAPD cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A - None, they'll just beat the room for being black.

 

 

Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A - "I don't want to put you out. You're too busy to help me, it's fine. Don't worry about it, I'll just sit in the dark."

 

 

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Nine-eleven.

Nine-eleven who?

YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!!

[stryper]

Three guys with a cane, a crutch and a limp walk into a bar.

 

Bar tender say "What a lame joke".

[Adam5]

.

 

Jose, oh man, I had to hide your signature. Cant you put one of your cartoon drawings on there?

 

Erm joke. How do you know your mother in law is coming round. The mice throw themselves on the mouse traps.

[Realist]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY ... one for the Ladies on here!

 

 

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

 

'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

 

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.

 

'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,

everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

 

 

It is these breasts you have given me.

 

The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking

them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on

bushes.

 

They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

 

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body

came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc........she felt that

having only

two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she

put it.

 

'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at

this, you know.

 

I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half

of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

 

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the

bushes.

 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

 

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

 

'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part.

 

You see all the animals are paired off.

 

The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.

 

All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

 

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How

could I have overlooked this?

 

You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of

you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?

 

 

 

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

[Jose]

Jose, oh man, I had to hide your signature. Cant you put one of your cartoon drawings on there?

 

No problem! Like the new one?

[Adam5]

No problem! Like the new one?

 

Yes - I like! Blessed art thou amongst toads!

[Jose]

Q - What did the little blind, paraplegic boy get for Christmas?

 

A - Cancer.

 

 

Q - How many church pastors does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A - Just one, they hold it and the whole fucking world revolves around them.

 

 

A church pastor, a doctor, and a civil rights activist all died at the same moment and ended up standing outside of the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter comes out and says, "Whoah, sorry guys. Heaven is a little bit overcrowded right now, so there's going to be a quiz to see who gets in."

 

St. Peter continues, "It's going to be on a bit of a sliding scale, so whoever did the most good for other people in their life will get easier questions. You ready?"

 

The three guys look at each other and after a bit of discussion, the civil rights activist steps forward, "I guess I'm first."

 

St. Peter checks his notes on the guy's life and asks, "What was the worst maritime disaster in history?"

 

The civil rights activist immediately answers, "The sinking of the Titanic."

 

St. Peter says, "Yes, you're correct. Welcome to heaven!"

 

The church pastor, confident with how he lived his life invites the doctor to go next. St. Peter checks his notes on the doctor's life and asks, "How many people died when the Titanic sank?"

 

The doctor says, "It was around 1500, right?"

 

St. Peter says, "Yeah, close enough. Welcome to heaven!"

 

The church pastor is standing before St. Peter smiling and confident. St. Peter checks his notes about the pastor's life and asks, "What were all of their names?"

[Realist]

But not everyone is as lucky as I am........it was a tough year ... but I made it!!

 

 

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

Ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean it's your or them.

 

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

 

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

 

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

 

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

 

The Mafia is laying off judges.

 

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

 

And, finally...

 

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

I heard a funny one in a movie I watched on Sunday.

 

How is Christmas like tornado season?

 

You get a tree in your living room.

[SilentLoner]

I have been reliably informed that the Mayan Apocalypse was a rain of snakes and spiders descending upon the world.

Australians failed to notice.

[Eugene39]

 

 A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the upper Peninsula of Michigan.

 

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

 

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

 

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

 

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

 

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

 

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[duderonomy]

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[hereticzero]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" 

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" 

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. 

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants." 

[boftx]

Father Flannerty, Preacher Billy Bob, and Rabbi Jacob were standing around talking shop, as usual. This time the topic was titheing.

 

Father Flannerty mentioned how he drew a circle on the ground, threw the weekly donations in the air, and whatever landed inside the circle was give to God.

 

Preacher Billy Bob described a similar method, except that whatever landed outside the cricle was given to God.

 

Rabbi Jacob said the circle wasn't needed at all. He threw everything in the air and figured God would keep what He wanted.

[Onyx]

A sibyl goes into a bar and get mugged by a drunk. As she was bleeding, her last words were, in response to a person who asked if she saw it coming, "I not only knew but I saw it coming." and she died.

[leopardus]

Well, since the title of this thread is "Lame Jokes", here's a lame one.

 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting co*

  MOOOOOOOOO!

[Eugene39]

This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. 

 

Dear Kean Elementary:

 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

 

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

 

Thank you for that opportunity.

 

Sincerely,

Agnes

[florduh]

Rihanna first knew Chris Brown was cheating on her when he came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

[hereticzero]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What North American mammal goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers. No one knows.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.