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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

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PLEASE EXCUSE THE ANNOYING COMMERCIAL BREAKS IN THE CONVERSATION:

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A lost rhinoceros wanders into a house and cannot find his way back out.

 

He panics and runs through a wall, destroying the kitchen. He's still inside the house so he breaks through another wall, finding himself in the bathroom. He's frustrated that he still hasn't gotten out of the house and he tears through a third wall.

 

Still, he has not found his way out of the house. The rhinoceros then starts running towards another wall but then stops, faces you, and says "you thought I'd break the fourth wall, didn't you?"

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A man dies and goes to hell.

 

The devil greets him:

You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.

 

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped.

 

The second room has someone being burned by a torch.

 

The third has a man getting a blowjob by a naked woman.

 

I choose this room!- the man says.

 

Very well, - the devil says.

 

He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

 

You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

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Prophet Mohammed's friend says "Your wife is calling you a pedophile."

 

Mohammed replies "Thats a big word, for a nine year old!"

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There is a priest, pastor and rabbi.  The pastor asks how do you share your collection.

 

The priest says "I draw a line on the floor,  throw the collection money in the air and what falls to the right of the line is mine, and to the left is Gods"

 

The pastor says "I draw a circle on the floor, toss the collection money in the air, what falls in the circle is mine and outside is Gods"

 

Finally the rabbi replies.  He says "I throw thecollection money in the air, what God catches he keeps, the rest is for me" :D

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Two scientists walk into a bar:

 

“I’ll have an H2O.”

 

“I’ll have an H2O, too.”

 

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

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A priest takes his car back to a mechanic...

 

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the following day, and he says, "well, how is it?" The mechanic says, "we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt." Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, "better give it another quarter turn."

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A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."

''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex?

Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No way, it could lead to dancing!"

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What do you call a bear without teeth?



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Gummy bear.

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What do you call a Mexican gummy bear?



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A delici-oso.

 

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How do you fit orange juice into a full refrigerator?

 

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You squeeze it in!

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What did the dog say when he laid his tail on the train tracks?

 

 

 

Won't be long now...

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest  to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

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129129.jpg

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to check out the Western Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray. After about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

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A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he sees two lines to get in. One is labeled "Predestination" and one is labeled "Free Will". So, being a Calvinist, he goes to the back of the Predestination line and waits for his turn.

When he gets to the front of the line, the angel looks him over and asks, "Why did you get in this line?" to which he relies, "Well, I believe in predestination, so I chose to get in this line." The angel shakes his head and says, "No, no, no, you belong in that line over there." so the Calvinist gets in the Free Will line.

Once again he waits until he's at the front and once again the angel at the front looks him over and asks why he's in this line. "Well, that guy over there told me to."

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Three preachers & their wives die in auto accidents in different parts of the country. They wake up to find themselves in a line leading to the Pearly Gates. St.Peter is sitting at the entrance with the book of life sitting on a desk in front of him.

 

The first preacher walks up & gives his name. St Peter checks the book & says, "Sorry preacher you don't qualify." The preacher is shocked and ask why. Peter checks his book & says "You missed the cut because you love money, in fact you loved money so much you married a woman named penny." The preacher & his wife hang their heads and walk away.

 

The next preacher is also rejected. St Peter informs him his sin is drinking. Peter goes on to inform him his drinking problem was so serious that he married a woman named Brandy. The preacher & his wife walk away dejected.

 

The remaining preacher turns to his wife & says, "I think we're in trouble Fannie!"

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Three vampires were having an argument. They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning, the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

 

"Do you see that house there?" "Yes" "I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

 

Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.

"Do you see that neighbourhood there?" "Yes" "I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"

 

The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.

 

"Do you see the big tree over there?"

 

"Yes"

 

"Well I didn't!"

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On 11/28/2017 at 11:26 AM, Fweethawt said:

Three vampires were having an argument. They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning, the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

 

"Do you see that house there?" "Yes" "I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

 

Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.

"Do you see that neighbourhood there?" "Yes" "I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"

 

The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.

 

"Do you see the big tree over there?"

 

"Yes"

 

"Well I didn't!"

 

I don't get it.

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A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.

 

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”

 

"No," slurs the mathematician “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

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On 11/29/2017 at 6:39 PM, duderonomy said:

I don't get it.

When the vampire turned into a bat and flew away to get a victim, he hit a tree he didn't see.

Of course bats use sonar, but that's not in the joke.

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13 hours ago, Fuego said:

When the vampire turned into a bat and flew away to get a victim, he hit a tree he didn't see.

Of course bats use sonar, but that's not in the joke.

 

Thanks. I still don't get it.

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23 hours ago, Fweethawt said:

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.

 

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”

 

"No," slurs the mathematician “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

 

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

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Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently, she stood him up.

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