Lame Jokes

[Fweethawt]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a South Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

 

The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[BroTom]

Wow.......did you type all of those in? 

[Fweethawt]

9 hours ago, BroTom said:

Wow.......did you type all of those in? 

Ain't no way! 

 

Copy n'paste, bruh. Copy n'paste. 

[Fweethawt]

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

 

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

 

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”

 

“No,” said Trump, “that would be an accident”

 

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

 

“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call great loss.”

 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Trump searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

 

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...

 

In a quiet voice he said: “If ‘Air Force One’ was carrying you and was struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

 

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”

 

“Well,” said the boy, “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either”.

[Fweethawt]

NASA was experimenting with different animals in space.

 

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

 

After a few months of testing and training, he was ready for his first mission. The cat was to embark on a journey to Saturn's moon, Titan, to discover if life would be sustainable...

The rocket prepares for take off.

5...

.

4...

.

3...

.

2...

.

1...

.

BLAST OFF!!

.

UP

.

UP

.

Up

.

up

.

up

.

up

.

up

.

...and POW the cat bursts through Earth's atmosphere and begins his journey as the first feline in outer space.

A few weeks go by, and after a while the cat starts to get bored. He spots a red planet nearby, and although he tries to resist the temptation, he sets the shuttle on a new course. Before Houston could stop him, he lands on Mars.

 

Houston sends a probe to investigate what the hell the cat was up to and why he decided to venture so far off course.

The probe gets to Mars and finds tracks, which lead it to an area of wreckage and signs of a fight.

 

The cat is dead, flat as a pancake on the ground and a robot, once sent to explore Mars, had cat remains trodden into its tracks.

 

It was clear... Curiosity killed the cat.

[Fweethawt]

1 hour ago, BroTom said:

hey....Dogs are NOT stupid 

after all it's kind of like God spelled backwards 

.......does that mean God spelled forwards is stupid??? 

If dogs are so smart, how come they can't use a litter box?

[Fweethawt]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Fweethawt]

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

 

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

 

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

 

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as hard as we can! Our air will flip the boat and all the men will fall in the water and drown!"

 

Second whale says "Okay, lets do it".

 

So they get their lungs full, they dive down beneath the boats hidden from the whalers. They blow as hard as they can and flip the boat with literal ease.

 

The whales swim back and watch as the men struggle to survive.

 

The first whale looks to the second and says "Man, they really aren't drowning like I wanted them to, we've got to do something!"

 

Second whale says, "Okay, what would you like to do?"

 

First whale says, "Lets eat them!"

 

Second whale stops him and says "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I agreed to the blow job, but i'm not swallowing the seamen."

[Fweethawt]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

 

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

 

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

 

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

 

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

 

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

[Anushka]

On 4/22/2005 at 8:43 PM, SilentLoner said:

Two men are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly, one of the men collapses, he has no pulse and isnt breathing. Paniking, the other man calls 911 on his cell phone.

"Help! I think my friend is dead!"

The 911 operator tells him to calm down. Then she starts giving him instructions.

"First sir, lets make sure your friend is dead."

A moment of silence, then a gunshot is heard.

The man gets back on the phone: "Okay, now what?"

 

Oh my god! 

[Anushka]

On 1/28/2018 at 1:32 PM, Fweethawt said:

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

 

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

 

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

 

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

 

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

 

Lol.

Too funny

[Fweethawt]

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Thomas. Thomas was watching his favorite show one night and a commercial came on for something called the blue marble. Needless to say, due to the exciting nature of the commercial and the amount of fancy effects utilized Thomas got very excited. He did, however, realize after a little bit of thought that he had absolutely no idea what it was or how it was used.

Thomas decided that since his father was the wisest man he knew, he should ask him about the blue marble. Well, Thomas's father worked a late shift at the factory on this particular day so Thomas had to wait an excruciatingly long time before his father would be home.

 

When his father finally made it home, Thomas quickly rushed up to him and asked: "Father, I saw a commercial today and I was hoping you would know; what is the blue marble?"

 

Thomas's father got visibly upset and his face turned a bright crimson. Vein in his forehead puksing, he screamed:

"How dare you ask me that you ungrateful little bastard! You get out of this house. I never want to see you again!"

 

Thomas, shocked at this reaction, burst into tears and ran out of the house.

As he was aimlessly wandering the streets of his hometown trying to figure out what had just happened; Thomas realized it must be a misunderstanding. If he could find the truth about the blue marble, maybe his father would forgive him. Wracking his brain, he remembered his father (the wisest man he knew) used to speak highly of the mayor of his town. Thomas decided maybe the mayor could answer his question.

 

Thomas remembered where the city hall was because a year ago his class had taken a field trip there for their social studies class. So Thomas made his way there. When he arrived, he was stopped by the mayor's secretary who wanted to know why he wanted to see the mayor.

When Thomas explained how important it was that he see the mayor, for reasons lost to the past she actually buzzed him in. The mayor was sitting behind his large oaken desk wearing a business suit and smoking a big cigar. He looked up from his paperwork and his eyes locked on Thomas.

 

"Why, hello there son. What is it I can do for you today?"

 

Thomas, feeling quite uncomfortable under the mayor's intense, piercing gaze, started to fidget.

 

"Well, come on son, I'm a very busy man"

Finally Thomas managed to pick up the courage and stammered:

"S..s..sir, I saw a commercial today that confused me. I asked my father about it and he got very very angry and threw me out. So I'm here hoping that you can answer my question. Sir, what is the blue marble?"

 

At the mention of the marble, the mayor's gaze finally wavered. He became visibly angry just like Thomas's father before him.

 

"How dare you ask that?" He bellowed. "Do you not have a shred of decency?"

And, with that, he called for the sheriff and had Thomas escorted out of town. As the sheriff dropped Thomas outside the city limits he told Thomas not to ever show his face in town again.

Thomas, now alone and bereft of everything he'd ever known, once again wracked his brain. He remembered watching the news with his father and hearing them praise the new president for his wisdom and kindness. Thomas decided that the president would be his best chance at finally getting the answer he needed.

 

At first the going was slow. Thomas had never been in his own before. But pretty soon he figured out that through a combination of strangers kindness and his own ingenuity it was possible to get by. Months passed. But, ever so slowly, he made his way towards Washington DC.

 

The one strange thing in his travels, that he quickly noticed, was; no matter where he went or who he asked about the blue marble, the reaction was always the same.

 

Finally, right around his birthday as it so happens, Thomas made it to Washington and to the Whitehouse. He was once again stopped at the reception desk.

 

"Why hello there young man" the person behind the counter said while eyeing Thomas's admittedly rough appearance. "What is it we can do for you?"

 

Now, Thomas had been in his own for quite awhile at this point, and he had learned how to be pretty crafty. It was actually surprisingly easy to convince them to let him in to see the president.

 

Thomas walked in to the oval office, and sitting before him in the nicest suit he had ever seen was a middle aged man with close cropped grey hair and piercing blue eyes; the president of the United States of America. Who slowly looked up from the paperwork on the desk to take in the disheveled boy before him.

 

"And who might you be?" He asked in a surprisingly gentle voice.

 

"My name is Thomas, and I've traveled a very long way to ask you a question." Said Thomas.

 

The president, obviously intrigued cocked an eyebrow. "And what, pray tell, is so important that you would come all the way here and interrupt my duties?"

 

"I have traveled across plains and mountains I have slept under the stars, I have scrounged for food; all so I can ask you, the wisest man in the country, what is the blue marble?"

 

Thomas braced himself, and rightfully so, because at the mention of the blue marble the pesident got very still and quiet. A scarlet hue crept it's way up from the collar of his suit.

"Have you no tact or decency whatsoever?" He snarled between gritted teeth. "No citizen of this country can speak to me that way! Get out. Out of my office and out of this country!"

And so it was. Armed men came and slapped Thomas into handcuffs. They threw a bag over his head and put him on a ship bound for Europe.

 

Thomas travelled for many years always in search of his answer. Over Hill and Dale his journey took him. No matter where he went or who he asked the answer was always the same. Get out.

Finally after many many years and many many miles Thomas heard a take about a Yogi in India. A holy man who, twas said, had discovered the answers to every single riddle in the cosmos. It took a few more years and many adventures but Thomas finally found the ascetic in a remote village in India.

 

Upon entering the village Thomas quickly found out that the Yogi lived in a small shack at the edge of town. Upon finding the shack Thomas noticed how small and run down it was. He had slept in nicer places while he was homeless. It was exactly where he figured such an enlightened person would call home. He entered the shack.

 

The inside of the building was dark and smoky. There were rags strewn about the floor. One of the bundles of rags sat up and addressed Thomas in surprisingly good English.

 

"It's been a long time since I had a visitor."

 

Thomas realized this was the man he had sought all this time. The diminutive elderly man smiled a toothless smile at Thomas.

 

"So what is it that brings you to my humble home?" He asked softly.

 

"I have traveled many years and over much of our world seeking the answer to a question. I was told you know the answer to every riddle in the cosmos." Said Thomas.

 

"I cannot proclaim to know everything, but I do indeed know many things. What is your question?"

 

"What is the blue marble?" Thomas asked bracing himself for the anger he had gotten from everyone he had ever asked.

 

The anger never came. The old man started laughing softly to himself.

"Oh such a simple thing. And fortuitous that you would come here for the answer." Said the tiny man as gingerly he stood up and moved to the door.

 

"The answer you seek" said the man pulling open the flap across the entrance, "lies in that building."

 

He pointed at a rather large structure directly across the road. Excited to finally be so close to the answer he had spent a lifetime searching for; Thomas thanked the Yogi and immediately jogged toward the building. He never saw the tour bus that ran him down.

 

And that's why you always look both ways when you cross the street.

[Anushka]

6 hours ago, Fweethawt said:

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Thomas. Thomas was watching his favorite show one night and a commercial came on for something called the blue marble. Needless to say, due to the exciting nature of the commercial and the amount of fancy effects utilized Thomas got very excited. He did, however, realize after a little bit of thought that he had absolutely no idea what it was or how it was used.

Thomas decided that since his father was the wisest man he knew, he should ask him about the blue marble. Well, Thomas's father worked a late shift at the factory on this particular day so Thomas had to wait an excruciatingly long time before his father would be home.

 

When his father finally made it home, Thomas quickly rushed up to him and asked: "Father, I saw a commercial today and I was hoping you would know; what is the blue marble?"

 

Thomas's father got visibly upset and his face turned a bright crimson. Vein in his forehead puksing, he screamed:

"How dare you ask me that you ungrateful little bastard! You get out of this house. I never want to see you again!"

 

Thomas, shocked at this reaction, burst into tears and ran out of the house.

As he was aimlessly wandering the streets of his hometown trying to figure out what had just happened; Thomas realized it must be a misunderstanding. If he could find the truth about the blue marble, maybe his father would forgive him. Wracking his brain, he remembered his father (the wisest man he knew) used to speak highly of the mayor of his town. Thomas decided maybe the mayor could answer his question.

 

Thomas remembered where the city hall was because a year ago his class had taken a field trip there for their social studies class. So Thomas made his way there. When he arrived, he was stopped by the mayor's secretary who wanted to know why he wanted to see the mayor.

When Thomas explained how important it was that he see the mayor, for reasons lost to the past she actually buzzed him in. The mayor was sitting behind his large oaken desk wearing a business suit and smoking a big cigar. He looked up from his paperwork and his eyes locked on Thomas.

 

"Why, hello there son. What is it I can do for you today?"

 

Thomas, feeling quite uncomfortable under the mayor's intense, piercing gaze, started to fidget.

 

"Well, come on son, I'm a very busy man"

Finally Thomas managed to pick up the courage and stammered:

"S..s..sir, I saw a commercial today that confused me. I asked my father about it and he got very very angry and threw me out. So I'm here hoping that you can answer my question. Sir, what is the blue marble?"

 

At the mention of the marble, the mayor's gaze finally wavered. He became visibly angry just like Thomas's father before him.

 

"How dare you ask that?" He bellowed. "Do you not have a shred of decency?"

And, with that, he called for the sheriff and had Thomas escorted out of town. As the sheriff dropped Thomas outside the city limits he told Thomas not to ever show his face in town again.

Thomas, now alone and bereft of everything he'd ever known, once again wracked his brain. He remembered watching the news with his father and hearing them praise the new president for his wisdom and kindness. Thomas decided that the president would be his best chance at finally getting the answer he needed.

 

At first the going was slow. Thomas had never been in his own before. But pretty soon he figured out that through a combination of strangers kindness and his own ingenuity it was possible to get by. Months passed. But, ever so slowly, he made his way towards Washington DC.

 

The one strange thing in his travels, that he quickly noticed, was; no matter where he went or who he asked about the blue marble, the reaction was always the same.

 

Finally, right around his birthday as it so happens, Thomas made it to Washington and to the Whitehouse. He was once again stopped at the reception desk.

 

"Why hello there young man" the person behind the counter said while eyeing Thomas's admittedly rough appearance. "What is it we can do for you?"

 

Now, Thomas had been in his own for quite awhile at this point, and he had learned how to be pretty crafty. It was actually surprisingly easy to convince them to let him in to see the president.

 

Thomas walked in to the oval office, and sitting before him in the nicest suit he had ever seen was a middle aged man with close cropped grey hair and piercing blue eyes; the president of the United States of America. Who slowly looked up from the paperwork on the desk to take in the disheveled boy before him.

 

"And who might you be?" He asked in a surprisingly gentle voice.

 

"My name is Thomas, and I've traveled a very long way to ask you a question." Said Thomas.

 

The president, obviously intrigued cocked an eyebrow. "And what, pray tell, is so important that you would come all the way here and interrupt my duties?"

 

"I have traveled across plains and mountains I have slept under the stars, I have scrounged for food; all so I can ask you, the wisest man in the country, what is the blue marble?"

 

Thomas braced himself, and rightfully so, because at the mention of the blue marble the pesident got very still and quiet. A scarlet hue crept it's way up from the collar of his suit.

"Have you no tact or decency whatsoever?" He snarled between gritted teeth. "No citizen of this country can speak to me that way! Get out. Out of my office and out of this country!"

And so it was. Armed men came and slapped Thomas into handcuffs. They threw a bag over his head and put him on a ship bound for Europe.

 

Thomas travelled for many years always in search of his answer. Over Hill and Dale his journey took him. No matter where he went or who he asked the answer was always the same. Get out.

Finally after many many years and many many miles Thomas heard a take about a Yogi in India. A holy man who, twas said, had discovered the answers to every single riddle in the cosmos. It took a few more years and many adventures but Thomas finally found the ascetic in a remote village in India.

 

Upon entering the village Thomas quickly found out that the Yogi lived in a small shack at the edge of town. Upon finding the shack Thomas noticed how small and run down it was. He had slept in nicer places while he was homeless. It was exactly where he figured such an enlightened person would call home. He entered the shack.

 

The inside of the building was dark and smoky. There were rags strewn about the floor. One of the bundles of rags sat up and addressed Thomas in surprisingly good English.

 

"It's been a long time since I had a visitor."

 

Thomas realized this was the man he had sought all this time. The diminutive elderly man smiled a toothless smile at Thomas.

 

"So what is it that brings you to my humble home?" He asked softly.

 

"I have traveled many years and over much of our world seeking the answer to a question. I was told you know the answer to every riddle in the cosmos." Said Thomas.

 

"I cannot proclaim to know everything, but I do indeed know many things. What is your question?"

 

"What is the blue marble?" Thomas asked bracing himself for the anger he had gotten from everyone he had ever asked.

 

The anger never came. The old man started laughing softly to himself.

"Oh such a simple thing. And fortuitous that you would come here for the answer." Said the tiny man as gingerly he stood up and moved to the door.

 

"The answer you seek" said the man pulling open the flap across the entrance, "lies in that building."

 

He pointed at a rather large structure directly across the road. Excited to finally be so close to the answer he had spent a lifetime searching for; Thomas thanked the Yogi and immediately jogged toward the building. He never saw the tour bus that ran him down.

 

And that's why you always look both ways when you cross the street.

 

Hey!! That's not fair!! You made me read all the way to the end! 

[Fweethawt]

7 hours ago, Anushka said:

 

Hey!! That's not fair!! You made me read all the way to the end! 

All is fair in love and jokes! 

[Anushka]

On 5/4/2018 at 10:06 PM, Fweethawt said:

All is fair in love and jokes! 

 

[Anushka]

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one's mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It's also mine.

[Anushka]

On 9/23/2012 at 8:15 AM, Realist said:

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

The sign on the cage said only £50.00!

 

 

 

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 

 

 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

 

 

 

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

 

 

 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad....."

 

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

 

The girls and the woman began to laugh about this considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

 

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

 

 

 

"Hi Keith!"

 

 

 

Lol 

[Anushka]

On 4/27/2005 at 8:20 PM, SkipNChurch said:

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

 

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

 

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

 

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

 

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

I did not get it. 

 

EDIT: Now I got it! 

[Anushka]

On 5/6/2018 at 5:41 PM, Anushka said:

 

 

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world. 

[Anushka]

On 5/6/2018 at 5:41 PM, Anushka said:

On 5/4/2018 at 10:06 PM, Fweethawt said:

All is fair in love and jokes! 

 

 

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.

[Anushka]

On 12/27/2017 at 1:50 PM, duderonomy said:

 

Ok. Now I don't get it again. 

 

I have just written a song about tortillas; actually, it's more of a rap.

[Anushka]

On 1/5/2018 at 7:32 PM, ContraBardus said:

You want lame, I'll give you lame.

 

Why does Yoda believe that it's five that is afraid of seven?

 

Because 6 7 8.

 

Velcro—what a rip-off!

[Anushka]

On 8/28/2015 at 1:47 AM, Fuego said:

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?" 

 

 

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

[Anushka]

On 4/27/2005 at 8:21 PM, SkipNChurch said:

"Doc, I have a problem.

 

My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is

sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.

 

I need 3 viagra pills to satisfy them all."

 

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty

dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition

you return to my office on Monday so I can check you out."

 

The man says, "You have a deal, Doc."

 

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

 

The doctor says, "What happened?"

 

The man answered, "Nobody showed up"

 

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

[Anushka]

On 11/5/2011 at 7:35 PM, SkipNChurch said:

Quote

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is

Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken

Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had

Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along

The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the

Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running

All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an

Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of

Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his

Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and

Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself

Thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy

Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future

Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him

Lightly on the lips

He responds warmly

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in

His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's

Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she

Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she

Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night

Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in

The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently

Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,

Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

 

 

 

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

 

Haha..lol..