Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on a scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!! If I have corned beef and cabbage for lunch one more time, I'll jump off of this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos!! If I have burritos for lunch one more time, I'll jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna! If I have bologna for lunch one more time, I too will jump of this here building." Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and also jumps to his death. At the funeral - the Irishman's wife is weeping and says "If I'd only known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again." The Mexican's wife is also weeping and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc.,that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive up to Charlottesville to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time...however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 A blonde is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine, which she has never seen before. She sees the slot for money, gets money out of her purse, puts $.65 into the machine, and pushes a letter and a number. She is mesmerized by the coils turning just enough to let out the candy. So, she does this many more times. After a little while, a man comes up behind her and says,"Miss, could you please move? I would like to get some candy." She replies with,"Excuse me?! Can't you see I'm winning here?!?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked "They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some Fun?" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you" said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some Fun?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together." Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 So one morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The friend says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger." "Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, The man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest boobs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it anymore she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?" The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, " Because it is an ocean of wheat." The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again. The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at blonde in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your ass!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 When the Body was First Made, All Its Parts Wanted to be Boss... THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I should be boss. THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the Brain wants, I should be boss. THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss. THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss. And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs. Finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss. The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Asshole be boss, and so it happened. All parts did the work and the Asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit. MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an Asshole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnacle Bill Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 This is a true story told by Mrs. Clifton Horn, whose friend received a strange reply to a request for Campground reservations. Here's the tale in the words of Mrs. Horn: "My friend is a rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word toilet in the letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "bathroom commode" but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "B.C." "Does the campground have its own "B.C.?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: "Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go; sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember this is a friendly community." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ro-bear Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 A farmer advertised his mule for sale. It was a good mule, and he expected a handsome price for it. A harelip approaches and asks, ”Isn dat Hnule f’sale?” “Of course,” replied the farmer. “Hmine hfi nlook at hner tneetf ? “What?” asked the puzzled farmer. “HMIND HIF I HNLOOK AT NHER TEEF?” shouted the harelip. “Oh, you want to look at her teeth! Of course; go ahead.” The harelip examines the mule’s teeth. “Hnthat’s hnice hmule.” The harelip says. “Hmine hfi hnlook at hner hnooveth?” “What?” “HMINE HNFI HNLOOK AT HUA HNOOFS?” shouted the angry harelip, much to the consternation of the farmer. “Oh! You want to see her hooves. Of course.” “Hnat’s a hnice nhmule.” The harelip observes. “Hmine nhfi nhlook at nher twat?” The farmer reddens. “You sick bastard! How’s this?” He grabs the harelip and thrusts his face into the mule’s posterior and rubs it there vigorously. Sputtering and struggling to free himself, the harelip shouts “Hnodammit! Can I hnrephrase the question? Hmine hfi see nher gallop?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings" The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." . . . . . . . . . . . . . The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narcissist Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches down. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Where upon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clearview Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,"says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Driving Award John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being the South, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!" The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this, on question #4 the Yankee wrote, "I don't know." You wrote, "Neither do I." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chefranden Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 A patient says, ''Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter? But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.''' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chefranden Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 'A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. 'He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.' 'The friend replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.''' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 In a recent Channel 9 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with (scroll down) A Misdewiener! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clearview Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caretaker Posted June 8, 2005 Share Posted June 8, 2005 A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clearview Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Bob goes to confession. "Bless me Father, he said, for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," Bob replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said. Bob then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for Fed Ex. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in." "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied Bob. "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son." "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Bob asked. The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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