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Lame Jokes

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Why do people carry umbrellas?Because umbrellas can't walk.

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PLEASE EXCUSE THE ANNOYING COMMERCIAL BREAKS IN THE CONVERSATION:

As with everything these days, the cost of keeping the Ex-C forum up and running has been rising. Inflation? In part, but the primary reason is this: As participation in the forums grows, costs increase. The Ex-C forums will remain free of charge to everyone, but if you believe this little corner of the Internet provides value to you or others, and you feel inclined to help keep us online, please consider making a one-time donation or becoming a regular contributor. Contribution options appear under the "Upgrade" link above, and can be accessed by clicking here.

Oh, and as an incentive (no, you won't be given any bogus promises of eternal bliss), if you do become a regular contributor by signing up for any monthly or yearly patron package, this annoying ADVO will disappear.

And now, back to the regularly scheduled conversation...



 

A guy in the emergency room has burns all over his body. Doctor takes one look and tells the nurse to give him a viagra.

 

Nurse asks what good that would do. Doctor tells her, 'It'll keep the sheets off his legs!

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It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. 

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in
 

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A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?” 
His mum answers, “The girl is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” 

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

 

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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

 

 

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

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Related to my previous effort:

 

I pointed out to my mate that he seemed to have a steering wheel in his trousers. "I know", he said, " it's driving me nuts". 

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

 

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

 

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

 

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

 

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

 

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

 

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady 
struck up a conversation and discovered that 
they both loved to fish. 

 

Since both of them were widowed, 
they decided to go fishing together the next day. 
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they 
headed to the river to his fishing boat and 
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a 
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

 

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt 
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man 
right there in the boat !

 

When they finished, the man couldn't believe 
what had just happened, but he had just experienced 
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the 
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the 
river.

 

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, 
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so 
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, 
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in 
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

 

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman 
guided the boat down the river when he came upon 
another fork in the river and he asked the 
lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

 

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked 
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

 

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing 
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 
fuck or drown...

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I invented a new word.

 

Plagiarism!

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Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump rally?


He's fine -- fake noose.

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Why won't Monica Lewinsky vote for Hilary Clinton?

 

 

 

 

 

Because the last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

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On 7/17/2018 at 2:07 AM, Anushka said:

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?” 
His mum answers, “The girl is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” 

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

 

 In a similar vein:

 

Why do brides wear white? 

 

So they match the rest of the domestic appliances. 

 

I'll be back when the ladies of ExC are no longer hunting for me! 😁

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How does The Rock pee?

 

 

 

 

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

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I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh...

 

 

...after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

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On 8/28/2018 at 11:05 PM, AliT said:

 In a similar vein:

 

Why do brides wear white? 

 

So they match the rest of the domestic appliances. 

 

I'll be back when the ladies of ExC are no longer hunting for me! 😁

 

👊 Thou shalt be punched.

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Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

 

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

 

Then silence...

 

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”

 

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

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A long time ago, the British and French were at War. During one battle, the French captured an English major. They took the major to their headquarters and a French general began to question him. 

The French general asked 'why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easy targets for us to shoot?'. 

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. 

And that is why from that day to now, all French army officers wear brown pants.

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Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory?  He couldn't concentrate...

 

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On 10/29/2005 at 1:26 AM, SkipNChurch said:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in

the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

 

🤣🤣🤪👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

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