Lame Jokes

[♦ nivek ♦]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside

him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his

nails and moaning in fear.

 

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.

 

"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy

answered. "There's crazy people in California and they have shootings,

gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

 

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and

it is not as bad as the

media says.

 

Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids

in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

 

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,

"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and

say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

 

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Oakland."

[Purple Rhino]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room

number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302.

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that

Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just

came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be

discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!

God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than

welcome. Is Holly your daughter?" The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly

Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."!!

 

 

PR

[♦ nivek ♦]

A Child's Prayer

 

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

 

"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

 

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

 

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

 

The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

 

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

 

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

 

Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

 

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.

 

And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

 

Now the father was crapping his pants.

 

He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

 

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

 

She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[dr_funkenstein]

A mortician was preparing the body of Leroy McCoy for burial when he discovered that the man had an incredibly large penis. He thought it was so incredible that he removed it and brought it home to show his wife.

 

When he got home, he unwrapped the huge member to show his wife. She looked at it, and then got very emotional.

 

"What's wrong, dear?" he asked her.

 

"I can't believe it! Leroy McCoy's dead!"

[♦ nivek ♦]

The New Pope

 

As I am now understanding it, Cardinal Ratzinger was actually NOT the

church's first choice to replace Pope John Paul: their first pick,

interestingly enough, was Cardinal Hans Grapje.

 

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man,

aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and

spent years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and

he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a

chaplain giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both allied and enemy.

 

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa,

piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the

continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an

explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.

 

Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to

those too severely injured to move. Another mine shaft collapsed and he

was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the

loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave

him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin

blotches.

 

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a

scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt he should never ascend

to the papacy:

 

They felt that the church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple papal leader!

[♦ nivek ♦]

A tractor salesman was passing a farm where the farmer was plowing the field

with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to plow with.

The farmer tells him, "I don't need a tractor; I have three new ones at the

barn." "Well, if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing

this field with that bull?" asked the salesman. The farmer replied, "This is

part of the bull's continuing education, I am teaching him that there is more to

farming than fucking and tearing down fences."

[Purple Rhino]

A recent survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs.

 

10% like the feeling

12% like the dominance

78% like the silence

 

PR

[Purple Rhino]

WARNING Offencive

 

PR

 

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.

On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.

Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.

However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A Mother at 65

 

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

 

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

 

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

 

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

 

Again the mother says "not yet."

 

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

 

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

 

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

 

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

[♦ nivek ♦]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

 

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

 

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

 

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

 

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"

 

And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I would give it to you?"

[Purple Rhino]

Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

 

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

 

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

 

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

 

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

 

5. My ears are NOT handles.

 

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

 

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

 

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

 

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

 

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

 

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

 

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

 

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

 

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

 

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

 

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

 

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

 

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

 

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

 

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

 

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

 

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

 

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

 

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

 

9. Play with the balls.

 

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

 

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

 

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

 

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

[♦ nivek ♦]

Wall Street brokers were stunned by the news of the latest merger. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will join forces.

 

The new name will be: "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

 

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."

 

He says, "Please,Please don't go....... you at least have to hear my explanation?"

 

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your weakass story. And this had better be good!"

 

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.

 

She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, and can no longer fit into, the $150 Nike running shoes I bought you to exercise and wore only twice, and you now scuff and growl at. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me....then I showed her to the door.

 

She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........

 

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with

delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any

idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues

to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a

mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old !!! The

husband said, "What did he say about your 56 Year-old ass?"

 

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[♦ nivek ♦]

What Does Your Daddy Do?

 

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

 

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

 

"Tommy," replied the second.

 

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

 

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

 

"Honest?" asked Billy.

 

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

[♦ nivek ♦]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her

 

husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM

NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER

listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you

CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you

always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!

 

THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You

think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like

when I'm driving."

[♦ nivek ♦]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

 

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

 

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

 

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

 

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

 

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

 

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Mickey Mouse goes to the solicitors to get a divorce from Minnie Mouse.

 

The solicitor says "I don't think your wife being a bit weird is any grounds for a divorce"

 

Mickey Mouse replies " I didn't say she was weird, I said she was fucking Goofy.

[♦ nivek ♦]

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover."

 

"What happened then?"

 

"I yelled at him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scum bag, and he yelled back that Teddy Kennedy was a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk. We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[Caretaker]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly

dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of

dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, if I give

you

this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

 

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can

get just to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"

the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20

years!"

 

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead

of food?" the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless

man.

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm

going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife".

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for

doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

 

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks

like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[Purple Rhino]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

 

 

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

 

 

PR

[♦ nivek ♦]

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday

 

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

 

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

 

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Momma.

 

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: It scares the shit out of the guide dog.

[Isak The Newt]

Knock knock.

whos there?

cargo

cargo who?

car go beep beep!

 

So this man, he has a natural fear of the dead, always thinking itll raise and kill him... so one day, an unfortunate event happens. a friend of his parents dies... of cour he didnt really know this person all to well, but for his parents sake he went to the funeral.

Mid way into the funeral, the coffin jumps on a side and starts to move around, everyone freaks and runs off into different directions.

now the hero of the story has the fear, so he runs to his car, like everyone else... But the coffin decides to follow him, he drives his car home frantically, running red lights, and nearly running a man over, he gets home, and then saw the coffin still chasing after him, sliding on the sidewalk towards him.

Alarmed, he runs and jumps over his front yards fence, runs inside, and locks the door.

Just when he thinks hes safe, he hears the scraping of the floor right behind him, he turns around and the coffin was there at his back yards door, sliding across the floor towards him...

Panicing, he ran to his bathroom opens the medicine cabinet.

Meanwhile the coffins at his bathrooms door, approaching him ever closer!!

He grabs the first thing he gets a hold of, cough medicine and throws it at the coffin, and the coffin stops dead in its tracks and topples backwards...

 

 

end of story? i know it isnt tooo funny... longwinded...

[♦ nivek ♦]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

 

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

 

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

 

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

 

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

[♦ nivek ♦]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The

following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70

years, many children, grandchildren, and great

grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college

girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had

sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."