Lame Jokes

[Cynetix]

A tragedy defined...

 

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

 

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

 

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

 

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

 

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

 

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

 

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

 

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

 

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

 

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Purple Rhino]

PR

[Purple Rhino]

PR

[Shadfox]

From the "Love Is" collection...

[Purple Rhino]

PR

[Brother Jeff]

Okay, these are some really lame jokes!

 

Q. What did the leper say to the hooker?

A. Keep the tip!

 

Q. What goes "ha ha ha POP?"

A. A happy pimple.

 

Q. What's red and juicy and goes "putt putt putt"?

A. An outboard tomato.

 

Q. How do you get a one-armed Aggie out of a tree?

A. Wave to him!

 

Q. What's green and red and goes 1000 mph?

A. A frog in a blender.

 

Q. What has eight legs, three heads, and two hands?

A. A man riding a horse carrying a chicken.

 

[♦ nivek ♦]

Church Service...

 

One Sunday morning just before church service, the minister noticed little Alex

standing in the foyer of the church, staring up at a large plaque. It was

covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

 

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister

walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

 

"Good morning sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is

this?" he asked the minister.

 

The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women

who died in the service."

 

Soberly, they just stood together in silence, staring at the large plaque.

 

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,

"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[Brutal Brian]

What's the difference between a nympho and a serial killer?

 

One is a crazy to fuck and the other one is fucking crazy.

[Max]

Q. What has eight legs, three heads, and two hands?

A. A man riding a horse carrying a chicken.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Definitely the worst joke I've ever heard in my life!

[Kalidasa]

How do you make a hippie wash?

 

Put his welfare check under a bar of soap.

 

[Vulgaris Prime]

Because nobody asked for it, a bar joke involving a duck.

 

Duck walks into a bar, asks the barkeep, "Got any grapes?" The barkeep sneers and says, "No." The duck leaves.

Next day, duck comes back, asks, "Got any grapes?" The barkeep sneers again and growls, "No." The duck leaves.

Next day, duck comes back, asks, "Got any grapes?" The barkeep points and yells, "No, and if you ask that again, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!" The duck leaves.

Next day, duck comes back and asks, "Got any nails?" Barkeep says, "No." Duck says, "Okay, got any grapes?"

 

And, because someone might find it funny, this old chestnut:

 

Fidel Castro and the Pope are walking along the beach, and the Pope's hat blows off and lands about fifteen feet from shore. Castro walks on the water, grabs the hat, and gives it back to the Pontiff.

 

The headlines the next day read:

In Rome: "Cuban Leader Castro Returns Pope's Hat"

In Havana: "Great Leader Castro Named Successor to Jesus"

In Miami: "Castro Can't Even Swim"

[Kalidasa]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

 

"Okay, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

 

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

"Good," said the first bat, "because I fucking didn't!"

 

[♦ nivek ♦]

Two Lawyers

 

Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

 

One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"

 

"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Feeling Guilty

 

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."

 

"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

 

"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."

 

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."

 

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."

 

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

 

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

 

"And what is that?"

 

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Kuroikaze]

What's green and has wheels?

 

 

 

Grass....I was lying about the wheels.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Three guys die and go to hell.

 

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their dicks.

 

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

 

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

 

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

 

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

 

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

 

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends dicks" says the devil.

 

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

[Dianka]

This could happen to you.

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

 

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know

what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

 

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

 

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too

bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear

another question.

"Can I come over?"

 

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be

polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,

"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

 

Then I hear the person say nervously...

 

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall

who keeps answering all my questions."

[♦ nivek ♦]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in

the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

[narcissist]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartenter asks them "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

-----

 

A piece of string walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender responded, "We don't serve pieces of string here." The next day, the piece of string went back to the bar and asked for a drink. Again the bartender responded "I already told you, we don't serve pieces of string here!"

 

The next day, as the piece of string approached the bar, he suddenly had an idea. He looped himself around so he had a knot in his middle, then he frayed out his top and bottom ends. Then he went into the bar and asked for a drink. The bartender was unsure of what he saw and asked. "Are you a piece of string?" To which the string replied "No. I'm a frayed knot."

[♦ nivek ♦]

FBI Hears All!

 

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.

 

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.

 

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.

 

This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.

 

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

 

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.

 

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:

 

"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."

 

The guys continue talking.

 

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.

 

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...

 

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.

 

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).

 

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.

 

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

 

The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills...

[♦ nivek ♦]

So this new priest is hearing a confession, and member of his flock says "Father, I received a blow job this week, and I feel guilty."

 

The priest has no idea what a "blow job" is, but he wings it, prescribes some generic punishment, and the guy leaves.

 

Walking across the yard, the priest sees Sister Mary, and asks her, "Sister Mary, what's a "blow job"?

 

Sister Mary says, "20 bucks, same as in town."

[narcissist]

(I heard this on Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand tonight)

 

This guy had invented a Diet Holy Communion.

 

He called it "I Can't Believe it's not Jesus."

[♦ nivek ♦]

How soon can i go home

 

Victor and Sylvia were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Victor suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Sylvia promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Victor out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Sylvia's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Sylvia the news she said, "Sylvia, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is, Victor - the patient you saved - hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 

Sylvia replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Taphophilia]

An old man and old woman were both residents at a retirement home. They would meet every night out in the garden after dinner to sit and enjoy each others company.

 

One day the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and we can't do much sexually anymore, but I would very much appreciate it if you could just hold my manhood while we talked."

 

The woman did not see what that would hurt, so every night after dinner, as they talked, she would hold his manhood.

 

On one particular evening the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place, nor did he show show up the next day.

 

The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Near the water fountain she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him.

 

She walked up to the bench where he was sitting to find his manhood in the hand of another woman.

 

This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, "We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"

 

The old man looked up at the woman, smiled and said "Parkinson's."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A man and his friend were bow hunting deer in rural Kentucky near a black

top highway. A huge buck walks by and the hunter carefully draws to full

draw and takes careful aim. Before he can release his arrow, his friend

alerts him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly lets off the pressure on his bow, takes off his hat, bows

his head and closes his eyes in prayer.

 

His friend remarks, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing

that I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

 

The hunter shrugs... ..."Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."