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Goodbye Jesus

Lame Jokes


sexkitten

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me

Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena

is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first

day promptly at 8:00 AM.

 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's

door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new

employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line

is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so

the 2 men march down to the factory floor When they get there the

line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the

factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of

the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle MeElmo's.

 

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps

it Around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package

between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of

hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," He

says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you

Misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

 

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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Eeeeeewwwwwwww! That was just disgusting! I thought you might say "cherries" or something.... yuck!

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I don't know if this one has been posted already, but I liked it a lot:

 

As the story goes, after the flood, two snakes came back to Noah, saying that they couldn't have children because although God had told them to be fruitfuil and multiply, they were adders.

So Noah gathered some trees from the flotsam of the flood, fashioned them into a crude table, and gave it to the snakes, saying "with a log table, even adders can multiply."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles". So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. !

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles". So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles". The doctor asked, Where?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"

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Who was lame?

 

Me? You? They? We?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, George W. Bush is lame himself. His penis needs healing by Jesus.

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A priest, a minister and a rabbi decide to test their evangilizing skills, so they all agree to go out to the woods and practice on bears.

 

The priest tells the other two, "I went out to the woods and found a bear and sprinkled holy water on him and next week I'm going to hear his confession."

 

The minister told the other two," I went down to the stream, found a bear and preached the word to him and next week I'm going to baptize him."

 

They both looked down at the rabbi who was in a full body cast, the rabbi said, "I guess I shouldn't have started with the circumsision."

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A Rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

Bartender asks, "Where did you get that?"

 

Parrot says, "Brooklyn, there's thousands of 'em.

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A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

 

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

 

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

 

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

 

And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

 

"Grape."

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A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."

 

A student asked, "What gender is computer?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four

reasons for their recommendation.

 

The male group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

 

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

 

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

 

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

(No chuckling guys...this gets better!!!)

 

The female group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer), because:

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

 

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

 

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

The women won

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What do you get when you cross a potato with a penis?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

for

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A dick tater.

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Two elderly nuns and an attractive young novitiate were traveling together and, tragically, all three were killed in a car crash.

 

All three were instantly drawn up to Heaven where they found themselves in the presence of St. Peter, who explained that in order to gain admission, each would have to answer a question to confirm that she was well-versed in her religious doctrine.

 

The mother superior went first. Asked to what does the term “immaculate conception” apply, she said, “the unique privilege by which the blessed Virgin Mary was conceived in her mother's womb without the stain of original sin through the anticipated merits of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

 

A loud bell sounded. Lights started flashing. And, a rich, deep voice from overhead said, “CORRECT! You may enter.”

 

As the second eldest, Sister Mary Catherine took her turn next. She was asked to define “transubstantiation.” She said, “That is the changing of the elements of the bread and wine, when they are consecrated in the Eucharist, into the body and blood of Christ.”

 

Her correct answer won her the same treatment as the first contestant.

 

Then, it was young Virginia’s turn, and, as a novice, who had not yet taken her vows, she was very nervous. So, when asked, “What were the first words that Eve said to Adam in the Garden of Eden,” she blurted out the first thing that came to mind without thinking.

 

“Golly, St. Peter! That’s a hard one.”

 

The bell rang, the lights flashed, and the announcer announced, “CORRECT! You may enter.”

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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the

preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned

fine sermon. Damned good!"

 

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use

profanity."

 

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five

thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

 

The preacher said, "No shit!"

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AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR,

SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.

 

OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING

HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.

 

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:

"WHAT IN THE WORLD! ARE YOU DOING!?"

 

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED:

"MOM, I'M 32 YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND

THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.

SO PLEASE GO AWAY ,AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

 

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME

BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED

BEDROOM DOOR.UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED

HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING,

 

THE DAUGHTER SAID:

"DAD I'M 32, UNMARRIED, AND THIS IS ABOUT AS

CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. SO PLEASE,

GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

 

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A

SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN

COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM,

OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM?

 

SHE ENTERED,

AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,

SIPPING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.

THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH,

BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

 

THE WIFE ASKED:

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

 

THE HUSBAND REPLIED:

"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

 

 

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a few quickies stolen from.....http://bash.org/?latest

 

 

<Cob`Onsite> unfortunately when i leave here, i must go to a church with a 90 year old secretary

<Ridgey_wtf> church? what's that?

<ragtop> its similar to a mental hospital, but with less physical restraints

 

#676535 +(134)- [X]

 

RonilWazlib: man that sucked

RonilWazlib: if your girlfriend tells you she feels fat and hugs you for moral support, do not start jiggling her butt in an attempt to find the natural frequency of fat

RonilWazlib: and if she asks, DO NOT tell her what you are doing

 

Jefferson: FOR SOME REASON MY PASSWORD ON HOTMAIL WON WORK

Mymuffinfatty: do you have caps lock on?

Jefferson: oh

Jefferson: nevermind.

 

#676032 +(405)- [X]

 

<Epic> how are^things?

<Epic> I've been up 48 hours now ;_;

<Dr_Ian> is that why you typoed the space bar as shift and 6?

 

#675885 +(341)- [X]

 

<D1_> in third grade

<D1_> I saw this girl have a seizure and spasm on the floor

<D1_> and man did her tongue go down her throat

<D1_> now that I think of it

<D1_> it was kind of sexy

<twin> what the FUCK

 

#675734 +(554)- [X]

 

Chris: I hate the way flash slows browsers down

Steve: Try java, that slows it down much better

 

TheMan: Can one person type !add 2+2?

Node: !add 2+2

Aranjedeath: it dont work

Aranjedeath: yeah

Zabikten: $calc(2+2)

Zabikten: hm

Node: !add 2+2

Zabikten: dude

Zabikten: it's fucking 4

Zabikten: why do you need a calculator?

 

 

 

<Swiich> remember how I went to the hospital on tuesday?

<Swiich> I screwed up my liver from chugging an entire bottle of cough syrup to trip

<_nosiop> without reading the label for other active ingredients or checking what they do online?

<Swiich> um...

<Swiich> yeah

<_nosiop> 15 minutes of research could have saved you 15% liver function or more

 

#675557 +(496)- [X]

 

<nilson> I have 4.5 gallons of beer

<nilson> for my after prom party

<Advil> that's a lot of beer

<Advil> for two guys

 

#675555 +(281)- [X]

 

<Rjx> i'm a mac

<Rjx> and i'm a pc

<Rjx> and we're both irritating faggots

 

#<postlogic> You should -never- go back and look at spur-of-the-moment written code.

<postlogic> It's like watching yourself throw up in replay.

 

#675122 +(100)- [X]

 

<Falc0> i am gonna start a new bussiness,

<Falc0> skydiving for pedophiles

<Falc0> make em pay in advance cash only

 

#675105 +(488)- [X]

 

<kan> the nigerian government has orderd 1,000,000 of those "100 dollar laptops" for its people.

<kan> just what we need more nigerians sending email.

 

#675097 +(280)- [X]

 

<JaKa> In soviet russia, you must kill a kitten to masturbate

 

#675073 +(582)- [X]

 

<chaz> I had to recompile our software to pick up the new libraries etc

<chaz> we then hit an issue with connectivity to the database server

<chaz> but thats what i fixed (i hope) this morning, so we'll see :)

* Twitch crosses her fingers for you

<chaz> my apologies, I didn't realise you were female.

<chaz> I should turn my geek off. :/

<Twitch> I'm in Physics, don't bother

 

#675020 +(224)- [X]

 

<Pseudoof_The_Goat> can somebody help me?

<Pseudoof_The_Goat> i know linux is more secure

<Pseudoof_The_Goat> but i can't run linux because i still need windows

<Pseudoof_The_Goat> i want to install the linux version of firefox on windows

<Pseudoof_The_Goat> anybody know how?

 

<Jesus> The guy does not understand the concept of the "Shift" key

<Noser> the what key/

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last

instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get

even one drop of paint on their habits.

 

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide

to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the

nude.

 

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the

door.

 

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

 

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door

 

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that

no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the

door.

 

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital , The George Dumont Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

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  • 3 weeks later...

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints.

The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

 

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

 

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

 

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

 

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

 

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

 

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

 

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

 

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"

 

The old lady pauses then tearfully says,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans "

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A young blonde woman was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

 

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

 

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. More incredibly, lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs!

 

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

 

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts, "DAMN IT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!?"

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An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

 

The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

 

O'Malley was shocked, but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

 

"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

 

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

 

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

 

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

 

"It's like this, m'boy," O'Malley said. "I don't want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I am gone."

 

*

 

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three huge, leather-suited men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

 

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused -- he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

 

Then the drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good. In fact, she's the best I ever had!"

 

The biker's buddies turn to him to see what he's going to do now, but the biker still says nothing.

 

Still not getting a rise out of the biker, the drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

 

The biker's buddies are about to get up and pound the drunk with or without the victim of this tirade but he holds them back. He finally stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says....

 

You're drunk, Grandpa! Go home!

 

*

 

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

 

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

 

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

 

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The estatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

 

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

 

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

 

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's cock."

 

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

 

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands...."

 

*

 

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

 

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon!"

 

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum!"

 

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians!"

 

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire!"

 

And so on and so on until the the Greek says: "We invented sex."

 

The Italian nods, and says: "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

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The Italian Lover

 

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bistro in Rome when he managed to entice a spectacular young blonde woman to his table.

 

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he "rattled her" senseless.

 

After a most pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

 

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

 

The performance finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

 

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

 

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman dissatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

 

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Hardly able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

 

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I Norvegian."

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A priest was sitting in the confessional when he realizes he has to take a bathroom break. He looks around and sees the janitor, and calls him over.

 

Priest: "Can you cover for me?"

 

Janitor: "I'm not Catholic. I have no clue how to respond to confessions."

 

Priest: "It's easy! When someone tells you a sin, just look at this chart, and it will tell how many Hail Marys to give them."

 

The janitor agrees and is sitting alone in the confessional a while when some guy walks into the booth.

 

Guy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

 

Janitor: "What did you do, er, my son?"

 

Guy: "I performed and received oral sex on a woman out of wedlock."

 

The janitor looks at the chart...

 

Janitor: Let's see, oral sex...That'll be 5 Hail Marys.

 

Guy: But there's more! I also had intercourse with her!

 

Janitor: Let's see, intercourse...that'll be 10 extra Hail Marys.

 

Guy: I also had ANAL sex, father!

 

Janitor: Let's see, anal sex...anal sex...I don't see it!

 

The janitor sneaks out of the confessional and frantically looks for someone who can help, but all he sees is the altar boy...

 

Janitor: Altar boy! You have to help me! What does the priest give you for anal sex?

 

Altar boy: A candy bar!

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Inseminating the Pigs

 

 

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

 

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

 

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

 

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

 

The next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. "One more try," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

 

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

 

:HaHa:

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Priest at the Racetrack

 

George went to the racetrack, bet on the ponies, and nearly lost his

shirt. He noticed this priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the

forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold,

this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George was interested to see

what the priest did for the next race.

 

As George watched, the priest stepped out onto the track as horses

lined up for the fifth race. The priest blessed the forehead of one of the

horses and George made a beeline for the window to place a small bet

on the horse.

 

Again, the priest had blessed a long shot -- and the horse won the

race!!! George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see

which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the sixth race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses,

and it always came in first.

 

George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race

he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a

quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny that he owned.

George waited for the priest's blessing that would tell him which

horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto

the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes,

ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet -

every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last!

 

George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when

he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day

you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse

and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you

Protestants ... you can't tell the difference between a simple

blessing and the Last Rites

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The Fishing "Trip"

 

Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went.

 

Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

 

Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

 

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

To which she sleepily replies,"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit? :eek:

 

 

:HaHa:

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  • 2 weeks later...

TGFB (Thank God For Bondes)

 

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

 

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

 

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

 

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

 

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

 

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

 

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

 

The man answered, "Yes, and 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

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