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Goodbye Jesus

Lame Jokes


sexkitten

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The announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the

snowplows can get through.

 

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer

says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park

your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can

get through."

 

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer

says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."

 

Then the power went out.

 

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she

says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I

need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

 

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are

married to blondes exhibit, Norman says...

 

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Scientists have proven that 98% of all women will have intelligent DNA. 95% of those will spit it out.

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.

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I hope this has not been on here before.

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign

out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

 

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second

thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

 

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past

a third sign saying:

 

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

 

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far

side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the

door reading:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

 

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a

long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

 

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in

possibly doing business..."

 

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding

passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and

tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

 

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the

door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through

the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

 

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the

door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back

in the parking lot facing another sign:

 

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual

park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his

morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was

amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so

much energy.

 

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps

your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

 

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he

was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said,

"Do you have any rye bread?"

 

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

 

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

 

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the

5th loaf, it'll be hard"

 

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows

about this but me."

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  • 3 weeks later...

Too smart for first grade!

 

A Teacher asks one of her first-grade students, "Harry! What is your problem?"

 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade! My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

 

The teacher had had enough of Harry and his bragging. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

 

The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Harry: "9"

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Harry: "36"

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

 

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

 

The teacher says to the principal, "I would like to ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

 

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

 

Harry: "Legs"

 

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

 

Harry: "Pockets"

 

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

 

Harry: "Pants"

 

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

 

Harry: "Coconut"

 

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

 

Harry: "Bubblegum"

 

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

 

Harry: "Shake hands"

 

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I?' sort of questions, okay?"

 

Harry: "Yup"

 

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"

 

Harry: "Tent"

 

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first" (The principal was looking restless and bit tense)

 

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

 

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"

 

Harry: "Nose"

 

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

 

Harry: "Arrow"

 

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

 

Harry: "Firetruck"

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his smart ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

 

 

**************************************

 

Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they should go to Clemson University so they could get ahead. Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.

 

"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.

 

"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor. "Do you own a weed-eater?"

 

"Sure do," the redneck responded.

 

"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the professor went on.

 

"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.

 

"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"

 

"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.

 

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"

 

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.

 

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"

 

"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascination' thang ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"

 

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

 

"So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.

 

"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.

 

"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.

 

"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"

 

"No." says Cooter.

 

"You're Queer, aint cha?"

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  • 4 weeks later...

Oops. ignore the last message. Moderator please delete that. It was not my intention to post that message. That was someone else's joke.

 

Anyway, here's a joke from me for all of U:

 

What did Mary said (yes, that's about 2 thousand years ago) when she wasn't doing to herself but felt REAL GOOD?

 

Answer: "Oh, my God!"

 

and I think she got that RIGHT!! :wicked:

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  • 3 weeks later...

Just in case you need the reminder: Today is Einstein's birthday.

 

He would have been 107. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in

1919.

 

 

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed,

 

and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts,

 

the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

 

 

 

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

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  • 2 months later...

*copied from an e-mail a friend just sent me* :grin:

 

 

POINTS TO PONDER:

 

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Can you cry under water?

 

 

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

 

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

 

 

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

 

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

 

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

 

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

 

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

 

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

 

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 

 

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

 

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 

 

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 

 

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

 

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

 

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 

 

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

 

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 

 

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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

 

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

 

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

 

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

 

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

 

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

 

 

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

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  • 2 weeks later...

A Nun walks into the Mother Superior's office...

and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

 

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

 

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

 

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

 

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

 

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

 

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

 

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is Bill. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Cheryl; When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Cheryl to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

 

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

 

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Cheryl. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

Signed, Bill

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

 

Bill died suddenly on March 2 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.

 

His wife Cheryl was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Bill, somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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_42911309_pope_ap203x.jpg

 

"... so the Agent, when he can speak, says 'That's a helluvan act, what do you call yourselves'

 

"The Sophisticates"

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  • 2 weeks later...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous well dressed woman

nursing a drink.

 

Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'? How's it

going?"

 

Having already downed a few stiff drinks, she turned around, faced

him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .

 

"Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your

place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the

ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,

dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it

ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

 

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a

lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

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Woman walks into a bar, and orders a 'Double Entendre'...

 

So he gave her one...

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Horse trots into the pub, asks for a beer, tender asks "why the long face?"

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Two men walk into a bar....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The third one ducked.

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Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

 

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

 

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

 

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

 

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

 

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

 

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

 

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

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How do you know policemen are strong?

 

Because they can hold up traffic.

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Robin: Batman! The Joker has escaped from prison!

 

Batman: Well, Robin, there is only one thing to do, and that is for you to suck on my big bat-dick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but it is funny to me for some reason.

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It be laAAAaaaAAAMMMe Rob.. :)

 

*****************

 

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...

 

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?!"

 

 

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

 

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

 

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

 

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since."

 

"My God!" says my wife,

"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

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Q. If you were driving a potato, how would you know how fast you were going?

 

A. Look at the spudometer!

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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that

can store and play music in women's breast implants.

 

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.

 

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at

their breasts and not listening to them.

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Woman walks into a bar, and orders a 'Double Entendre'...

 

So he gave her one...

 

Now what's ironic is, I hadn't heard anyone use the term "double-entendre" in a while and couldn't remember what it was, so when I looked it up on Answers.com, this is what it says:

 

"The noun double entendre has one meaning" :scratch:

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Q. What goes "Ha ha ha, Pop!"?

 

A. A happy pimple!

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