Lame Jokes

[♦ nivek ♦]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched.

 

One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

 

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

 

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

 

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

[♦ nivek ♦]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and

exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

 

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine, liquor,

sodas or

diet sodas?"

"Oh no,"I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued

ribs?" I said,

"No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

 

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf , sailing,

hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

 

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

 

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

 

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

 

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only �20 each! Comes with complete instructions"

 

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.

 

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

 

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the

instructions!"

 

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as

she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads

them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

 

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to

do what he has been trained to do.

 

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing

happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She

re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,

"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

 

So, she calls the pet store.

 

The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her

doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything

according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

 

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into

its eyes and sternly says:

 

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[♦ nivek ♦]

Head and Shoulders

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for

their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman

wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It's evident that the man has dandruff

problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.

 

Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door

closes the brunette says, "Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders."

 

The blonde then responds, "How do you give shoulders?"

[♦ nivek ♦]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

 

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make

your lives better."

 

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments? "

 

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

 

"Can you give us an example?"

 

"Thou shall not kill."

 

"Not kill? We're not interested."

 

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments. "

 

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and

Mother."

 

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

 

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments. "

 

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not

steal."

 

"Not steal? We're not interested."

 

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments. "

 

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit

adultery."

 

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments. "

 

"Commandments? " They said, "How much are they?"

 

"They're free."

 

"We'll take 10."

[Barnacle Bill]

What A Great Hubby!

 

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.

 

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped at the Audi dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$165,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

 

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is????"

[♦ nivek ♦]

I am writing to ask your help in shedding light on a perplexing situation I find myself contemplating.

 

Your religious experiences probably are varied and that's important to the problem.

 

Over the years, we have all observed the seemingly random factors that affect all our lives, sometimes without apparent rhyme or reason. We have seen some marriages dissolve over nothing and others grow stronger under adverse conditions.

 

 

We have seen fate play a role in who survives critical illnesses and who succumbs to them. We have seen good people suffer great misfortunes while some people of low character thrive.

 

 

In our lifetime, we have seen churches and religious institutions all around the world become revised, televised, energized and even scandalized. We are all well aware that a higher power has control of all things.

 

Personally, I have stood in the doorway of a Seven Eleven in Nashville, amid a shootout between police and a gunman and walked away unscathed. On a golf course, I saw a lightning bolt strike a man dead while those of us nearby where untouched. We all watched as Hurricane Katrina ravaged some areas of the coast and left other nearby homes standing intact. The enormity of these random and seemingly unfair applications of good or bad fortune is at the core of my dilemma.

 

I have studied sacred writings of all major religions searching for an answer, and now I pose the question to you:

 

How could the highest power in this universe take Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind.....?

 

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[♦ nivek ♦]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

 

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

 

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!"

 

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

 

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more...

 

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

 

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)

 

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch."

 

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

 

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

 

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...

 

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is gonna be in serious danger!!!

[♦ nivek ♦]

LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

 

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children.

 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

 

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

 

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

[WCrystal]

Pablo and Juan are two homeless guys who stand at the freeway exit with signs. One day Juan asks Pablo, "Why is it that at the end of the day you always have more money than I do?"... Pablo says, "Just look at your sign, you're doing it all wrong."

So Juan looks at his sign and the sign says "Homeless, have 6 kids, please help, thank you". "What's wrong with it?" says Juan.

Pablo says "Look at mine and see how it's done"... Juan looks at Pablo's sign and Pablo's sign says "Trying to get back to Mexico, short 10 bucks. Thanks"

[♦ nivek ♦]

One night , after the couple had retired for the

 

night, the woman became aware that her husband was

 

touching her in a most unusual manner.He started by

 

running his hand across her shoulders and the small

 

of her back.He ran his hand over her breast,

 

touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded

 

to run his hand gently down her side, sliding

 

his hand over her stomach, and then down the

 

other side to a point below her waist.

 

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side

 

and the other. His hand ran further down the outside

 

of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the

 

inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned

 

to do the same to her right thigh.

 

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she

 

squirmed a little to better position herself.

 

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

 

'Why are you stopping darling?'she whispered.

 

He whispered back, 'I found the remote!'

[♦ nivek ♦]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air

conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought

one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer

wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day

lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly : "She ain't got no pecker."

 

 

 

 

Billy Bob and Barbara Sue got married. He took her to the woods to show her the new cabin he built for them to live in. She said, "Billy Bob, it's beautiful but, where are the windows?"

 

He replied, "Why. You plannin' on going somewhere?"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

His mother agrees.

 

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

 

"That's amazing Ma, you're right!! How did you know?"

 

The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Absentminded Doc

 

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

 

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

 

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

[Taphophilia]

Q. How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A. Neocons don't bother with light bulbs. They declare a War on Darkness and set the house on fire.

 

Why don't you ever want to date a neocon?

Because they always say they're going to pull out and they never do.

[♦ nivek ♦]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her

tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a

gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red

tomatoes.

 

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your

tomatoes so red?"

 

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato

garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from

blushing so much.

 

"Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same

thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two

weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

 

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the

way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

 

"Well, No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A Bad Day

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

Last night I was with seven different women."

 

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

 

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

 

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that shit eatin grin off your face."

 

#

 

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

 

#

 

A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."

 

#

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

 

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A Quick Swim

 

A Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the Minister and the Priest covered their privates and the Rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

 

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the Minister and the Priest asked the Rabbi why he had covered his face rather than his privates?

 

The Rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

 

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

 

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Honey, honey."

 

"Is that you, Tom?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

 

"Oh, Tom you surely must be in heaven."

 

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Wisconsin."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation, No one wants him to leave.

 

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

 

The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.

 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

 

More sighs and loud applause.

 

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

 

There is total silence.

 

The Preacher, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

 

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said "Screw the Preacher!"

[♦ nivek ♦]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

 

"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

 

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

 

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

 

"JESUS SAVES."

 

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

 

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . "Their sign pertains to religion."

 

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

 

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

 

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

 

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

 

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[♦ nivek ♦]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough? Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Daddy!"

"That's my boy!"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A Tennessee farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

 

"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.

 

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

 

"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?"

 

"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

 

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

 

"He went with mom and dad."

 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

 

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."

 

"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Pearly Mae pregnant."

 

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."