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Nivek & dog

 

 

On a hot summer day, Nivek came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

 

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. Nivek said that it was his.

 

The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

 

Nivek replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool kawse I got 'ER tied unner the shade tree."

 

The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be bred.

 

"No way," Nivek says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

 

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

 

Nivek looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

 

 

 

 

 

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached

to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

 

Energy efficient vehicle:

Runs on oats and grass

Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

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A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he

put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up.

 

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed Correctly

he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,

"You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

 

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for

another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave

him the same story, and ask ed him to guess the correct number. The redneck

guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3 You were close,

but no free sex this time."

 

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that

game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied,

"No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

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A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter pleasantly said, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't. "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

 

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

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One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking

by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk

to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:

a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said

"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior

said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother

superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said

"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the

fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish

that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't

talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:

a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and

I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,

and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the

goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And

the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:

"I like this fucking place already!"

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This guy went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor....I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA".

 

"That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

 

The guy says "Sure." And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA".

 

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say "HONDA." It is a completely out of this world medical condition.

 

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys mouth and examining it.

 

The dentist says "A-haa!!!!....I have solved the problem."

 

The patient says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc".....

 

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

 

The guy says "Yeah....so....What has that got to do with my farts?"

 

The dentist replies, "Cant you see??..... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"

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:lmao: Skip N. Church you are a funny guy I love your jokes as that is the kind of humor I like.

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A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to

the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have

misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this

church."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform

him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have

to listen to that foul language.

 

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,

 

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks

in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of

some of this damn money."

 

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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A lawyer calls a plumber cause he needs his leaky pipe fixed.

 

The plumber shows up and says "looks like its going to run you about $500."

But on the plus side it should only take me about an hour.

 

The lawyer gasped "$500 for an hour job thats more then what I make."

 

The plumber looks at him and says,

 

"Yup, its more then what I made when I was lawyer as well."

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A lawyer calls a plumber cause he needs his leaky pipe fixed.

 

The plumber shows up and says "looks like its going to run you about $500."

But on the plus side it should only take me about an hour.

 

The lawyer gasped "$500 for an hour job thats more then what I make."

 

The plumber looks at him and says,

 

"Yup, its more then what I made when I was lawyer as well."

Ha I remember when my sister got married, she was an accountant for a law firm. She married a roofer and his salary was way higher than hers.

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,

two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

 

Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

 

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture."

 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

 

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this

looks like yours!"

 

"I don't remember much after that..."

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A U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over yonder.'

 

The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

 

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

 

'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'

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Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

Why?" asks the father?

"

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

 

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

 

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

 

"That's what I said!"

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Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

 

 

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

 

Looking up to heaven he said,

 

"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

 

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world".

 

The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

 

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

 

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

 

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus", said the Pope.

 

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to bra g, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

 

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

 

Nicklaus sighed,

 

"I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.

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This is timely....given the stuff going on with that russian cult.

 

 

Why are there no jokes about JONESTOWN?

 

 

Because the PUNCH LINE's too long!

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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

 

The first hunter says ” Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?”

 

The second hunter says” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

 

The first hunter says ” There’s this old transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

 

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

 

“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

 

The first hunter says ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

 

And the old farmer said ” Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! ”

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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

 

The first hunter says †Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?â€

 

The second hunter says†I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.â€

 

The first hunter says †There’s this old transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and seeâ€.

 

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

 

“Say thereâ€, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?â€

 

The first hunter says †Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!â€

 

And the old farmer said †Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! â€

 

Good one. Here's one I like....

 

Two guys talking, let's say Bob and Jeff.

 

Jeff asks Bob "Did you blow bubbles as a kid?"

 

Bob says "Yeah, of course."

 

Jeff says "He's back in town and wants you to give him a call."

 

js

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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

 

The first hunter says †Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?â€

 

The second hunter says†I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.â€

 

The first hunter says †There’s this old transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and seeâ€.

 

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

 

“Say thereâ€, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?â€

 

The first hunter says †Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!â€

 

And the old farmer said †Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! â€

 

Good one. Here's one I like....

 

Two guys talking, let's say Bob and Jeff.

 

Jeff asks Bob "Did you blow bubbles as a kid?"

 

Bob says "Yeah, of course."

 

Jeff says "He's back in town and wants you to give him a call."

 

js

 

OK here's one more I just heard today.

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

 

Dough nuts.

 

js

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A USMC sniper was good at his job - he had a method. He would yell out some insults at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG!!! - one less insurgent!

 

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

 

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported, "Five killed & I let one go."

 

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

 

"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!', I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"

 

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

 

"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

 

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

 

************************************************

 

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

 

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

 

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 

************************************************

 

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

 

************************************************

 

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

 

He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

He tells you that he has never told a lie.

A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."

A prison guard is shaving your head.

He keeps deleting your posts

 

************************************************

 

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for doctor brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

 

************************************************

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My example of unusual E-bay feedback:

 

NEGATIVE: Product didn’t work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. :(

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I saw a man walking towards me with a pig under his arm.

I said, "hey, where did you get that pig?"

the pig said, "I won him at the fair."

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An American and his wife were visiting the mid east when the man noticed he had lost his watch. He saw a man sitting next to a camel and he walked over and asked him for the time.

The Arab reached over and lifted one camel testicle and said, 'it is 5 minutes after 11.'

The American thought that was really neat so he went and got his wife.

Together they went back over to the Arab. The American said, 'Watch this.' He walked up and said, 'Can you tell me the time?'

The Arab reached over and lifted the camel's testicle and said, 'It is now 15 minutes after 11.'

'Wow,' exclaimed the woman, 'That really is amazing! How do you do that?'

The Arab motioned her to bend down to take a look. He raised the camel's testicle and pointed, 'You see that clock on the building over there?'

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Mother Inbred was being awarded for her years of service and was brought to meet the Pope.

'For your years of unselfish service, we will help you start any new life you choose,' said the Pope.

Mother Inbred thought for a moment and said, 'I want to be a prostitute!'

His holiness grabbed his chest and fell forward onto the floor unconcious. The priests ran up and set him back on his throne and slowly revived him.

'What,' he gasped, 'What did you say?'

'I want to be a prostitute!' Mother Inbred repeated.

'Oh, thank God,' the Pope sighed, 'I thought you said you wanted to be Protestant!'

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