Lame Jokes

[hereticzero]

A Texan was visiting Ireland and stopped by a pub to have a few beers. He strolled into the bar pushing people out of his way.

'I'm from the USA, Texas to be exact. I stand 6 feet 3 inches tall, I weigh 250 pounds, my name is Brown, spelled capital B-R-O-W-N.'

This old Irishman leaned back against the bar cracking his nuckles and said, 'Well, now, my name's O'Donnell. I stand 5 feet 7 inches tall, I weigh 185 pounds, and I'm white all over except for me asshole and that's brown spelled capital B-R-O-W-N!'

[hereticzero]

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.

 

The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."

[hereticzero]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse says: "I think I can get you out."

So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."

The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks

[hereticzero]

Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men

 

A: It changes your blood group

[hereticzero]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[hereticzero]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

 

The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

[hereticzero]

My wife and I have cute little names we call each other.

Every morning at the crack of dawn we get out of bed and I say, 'Morning Sweets!'

She says, 'Morning Asshole.'

 

*

 

My wife and I have been married for so long we are so accustomed to the others needs that we often do those little things married couples do for each other without being asked. I hardly ever have to ask her to spank me anymore.

[hereticzero]

Johnny's mother took him to the zoo and while they were standing in front of the elephant's pen, Johnny pointed to the elephant and aske, 'Mommy, what's that?'

'That is an elephant, dear.'

'I know, but what is that?'

'That's his tail.'

'No, Mom. What is that thing hanging down?'

'That's nothing dear, that's nothing.' She quickly hurried him home.

 

Johnny's Dad took him to the zoo a week later and they were standing in front of the elephant's pen.

Johnny pointed, 'Daddy, what is that?'

'That is an elephant, son.'

'No, what's that?'

'That is his tail.'

'No, Dad, what is that thing hanging down?'

'That son, is his penis.'

'Oh,' said Johnny, 'Mommy said it was nothing.'

'Well, son, your mother is a little spoiled.'

[par4dcourse]

This one seems appropriate:

 

Thief breaks into a house late at night. Creeping halfway across the den, he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He freezes, doesn't hear anything else, and continues his creep. Again, he hears "Jesus is watching you."

Completely baffled now, he stares intently toward the voice, and as his eyes adjust to the room he sees a parrot on a perch in the corner. He walks over.

Well little fellow, he says, what's your name?

Abraham says the parrot.

Now what kind of idiot pet owners would name a parrot Abraham, the thief asks in amazement.

The parrot replies, "the same ones who named a Rottweiler Jesus."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Grandma and Her Boyfriend

 

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys as she was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

 

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

 

Grandma turned on the TV, and the rece ption was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

 

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

 

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

 

The minister fainted.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Bob was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

 

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

 

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

[hereticzero]

SUNDAY CLOTHES

 

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

 

"Hello," said the little boy

 

"Hi," replied the little girl.

 

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

 

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"

answered the little girl.

 

"I'm also on my way home from church.

Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

 

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.

"What about you?"

 

"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,"

replied the little boy.

 

They discover that they are both going the same way

so they decided that they'd walk together.

 

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially

flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

 

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

 

"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"

replied the little boy.

 

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull

off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

 

"That's a good idea,"replied the little boy.

"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

 

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked ...

 

"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist.

[hereticzero]

Two women are shopping and talking about their husbands. One says, "My husband said he was getting impatient with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day to monitor my moods." "How'd that work out?" asked the second woman. "Well," said the first, "When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big, flipping red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond."

[hereticzero]

On Valentine's Day

 

Two women were chatting over the backyard fence one afternoon about their Valentine's Day present.

The first woman said, 'My husband gave me a nice card and took me out to dinner.

The second woman said, 'My husband gave me a box of chocolates and one dozen roses.'

The first woman said with a sly smile, 'I'll bet you will have your legs spread in the air for a week.'

The second woman replied, 'No, I have a vase.'

[hereticzero]

Blond and Frog

 

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, "Sex frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[hereticzero]

The Streaker In The Church

 

One Sunday, a streaker ran through a local Protestant church. After a brief struggle the man was captured by the organ.

[hereticzero]

WICKER BOX

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?

A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Britney Spears

[hereticzero]

LAWYER IN A TREE

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

[ShackledNoMore]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

 

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."

[hereticzero]

What is the difference between kissing ass and brown nosing?

 

Depth perception!

[hereticzero]

How do you handle your liquor?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the ears ...

[hereticzero]

My wife asked me what I believed to be the perfect woman.

I said she should be deaf.

Mute.

Toothless.

Stand as tall as my belt buckle.

Have a flat head to rest my beer on.

She asked how many criteria she passed.

I said 3 out of 5.

She asked, 'What?'

I said, '4 out of 5.'

 

I just woke up again.

[hereticzero]

The Plus Sign

 

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything.. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything They could think of to help his math.

 

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.

 

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

 

She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what m ade all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his

room and hit the books.. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

 

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

 

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[hereticzero]

Lady At The Funeral

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

[SWIM]

LOL keep em coming HZ!