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Lame Jokes

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I've got a lame one:

 

Here's an in-flight announcement I'd like to hear about--"Attention, passengers: in honor of our esteemed passengers, Senator McCain and Governor Palin, tonight's in-flight movie will now be 'Snakes on a Plane'."

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A black guy, a white guy and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

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What's blue and smells like red paint?

 

Blue paint!

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*EDIT*oh shit I just noticed the same joke right above me

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Guest Cracker

From a "writing prompt" I did last year:

 

 

 

To: msikes@aol.com

From: potus@whitehouse.gov

02-05-2007 10:58

 

Dear Mike,

 

I hope this finds you well.

I'm writing because I'm getting tired of waiting for the speech I axed you to write over two days ago.

As you know the matter at hand is urgent and I'd like to address it as soon as I can.

Thanks again,

 

Brilliant Eagle

______________

 

 

 

To: potus@whitehouse.gov

From msikes@aol.com

02-05-2007 11:02

 

 

Mr. President:

I was under the impression that your request for my services would be shortly followed by a payment for the eight previous speeches I've written for you. I have checked and rechecked my Paypal account several times and nothing has shown up as yet. The speech in question is finished and I'll attach it to a future email as soon as I receive even a token payment.

 

By the way, the URL you sent for the Internal Revenue Service site that promised to tell me about little known tax savings for independent contractors working for the Executive branch didn't work.

 

Your Servant,

Mike Sikes

 

______________

 

 

 

To: msikes@aol.com

From: potus@whitehouse.gov

02-05-2007 13:03

 

Mike:

 

It's good to know that you've finished the speech.

Please send it as soon as you get this.

Just send it in the body of the email as I have trouble finding the attachments when I downlode them.

I've directed my chief of staff to expidite payment to you.

 

Brilliant Eagle

 

 

________________

 

 

To: potus@whitehouse.gov

From msikes@aol.com

02-05-2007 13:20

 

 

Mr. President:

 

Paypal still doesn't show any payment, in fact it shows a debit of $1,252.68 to KBR, the Halliburton subsidiary. Since I don't have any dealings with this company I'm going to have to assume your people somehow inadvertently debited my account. I would appreciate it if you could fix this.

 

I'm currently editing the speech to allow the new information currently being discussed on CNN to be addressed.

 

 

Mike Sikes

 

__________________

 

 

To: msikes@aol.com

From: potus@whitehouse.gov

02-05-2007 13:43

 

 

Michael:

 

Do you know the penalty for treason?

 

Brillaint Eagle

 

 

_____________________

 

 

 

To: potus@whitehouse.gov

From msikes@aol.com

02-05-2007 14:10

 

Mr. President:

 

I just got off the telephone with my bank, they called to tell me that all my accounts have been frozen by the Justice Department.

I've called my lawyers but they've all been arrested by the FBI.

 

Please find attached the file sp0207.doc

This contains the first half of the speech.

 

Mr. Michael Sikes

 

___________________

 

 

 

To: msikes@aol.com

From: potus@whitehouse.gov

02-05-2007 18:18

 

 

Dear Mike,

 

Wow, you really know how to write a speech, if the second half is half as good as the first then the half I already have is twice as good!

I look forward to seeing it.

Soon.

 

BTW, there was a little mix-up in my notes that I gave to some intern or another. If you check now you'll see that your bank accounts are up and running and your Paypal is up $1252.68!

I talked to justice and your lawyers have all been released.

 

B.E.

 

_____________

 

 

 

To: potus@whitehouse.gov

From msikes@aol.com

02-05-2007 19:10

 

 

Mr. President

 

Thank you for your attention to my little problems.

Indeed, Paypal is back up to what I had this morning.

 

Please find attached the file sp0207b.doc

 

 

Mike

 

____________

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Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a flasher walks over to them.

 

He flashes the first nun.

She has a stroke!

 

He flashes the second nun.

She also has a stroke!

 

He flashes the third nun.

She wouldn't even touch it!

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The new monk is assigned to copy the old texts by hand. Noticing that he'll be copying from copies and not from the original manuscripts, he tells an elderly monk, "If there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies."

 

The elderly monk agrees and goes to the cellar with a copy to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. Concerned, the new monk searches for him in the cellar. Hearing wailing, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books. Looking up, he sobs, "The word is celebrate."

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Confession!!

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

 

When the priest slid open the panel in the

confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

 

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

 

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to

repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

 

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by

doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

 

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

 

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

 

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

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LOL to above! :lol:

 

Can't remember the name of the comedian I heard this from, but:

 

"I was recently going through my roommate's stuff when I discovered her medication for multiple personality disorder...

 

...and then I realized that I live alone..."

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I am Abortion-Man! I'll bring out the kid in you.

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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMOpaperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could when the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the

mark."

 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"

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A TRUE SCOT!!!

 

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. Finally the girl said "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

 

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

 

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and again "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus". "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

 

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

 

After a while "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

 

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo, my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

 

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," he said, nodding.

 

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

 

"Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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This one may be the lamest of all...

 

Why is a Janitor the baddest of the bad?

 

Because he sweeps all the women off their feet, and if you mess with him, he'll mop up the floor with you!

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TWO PRAWNS

 

 

 

 

 

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two Prawns were swimming around in the sea.

 

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

 

The Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by Sharks that inhabited the area.

 

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a Prawn; I wish I was a Shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

 

A large mysterious Cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'.

 

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a Shark.

 

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

 

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a Shark boring and lonely.

 

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

 

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious Cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a Prawn.

 

He approached the Cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a Prawn.

 

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

 

(No ... the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

 

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

 

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

 

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a Shark', came the reply.

 

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

 

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

 

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

 

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a Shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

 

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'...

 

 

 

(You're going to love this...)

 

 

 

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'I found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian' ...

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Q: How do you make a female archaeologist mad?

 

A: Give them a tampon and ask them what period it's from

 

:lol:

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Q: What kind of bee makes milk?

 

A: A Boo-Bee!!

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Q: How do you make a female archaeologist mad?

 

A: Give them a tampon and ask them what period it's from

 

:lol:

This is a classic!!! :lmao::lmao:

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I don't know if it's still on lame jokes or not, but ......What is a pirates favorite letter?

 

 

 

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh :HaHa:

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What is the pirates second best letter:

 

Aye!

 

(I'm tired.. and it's late... but no excuse for such a lame joke)

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Here's a good Russian joke I heard the other day:

 

In St Petersburg a big group of Uzbekis had a party in a restaurant. They drank, they ate, they danced and ran up a huge tab. As the night was drawing to a close one of the Uzbeks called the waiter over for a private conference. Handing the waiter $100 he said "here's your tip." The waiter, a bit confused said "but I haven't brought you the check yet." The Usbek smiled and said "yes, in a few minutes we will ask for the bill. At that time you will see guys loudly shouting 'give the bill to me!' I will be shouting louder than the rest of them. He whispered Don't give the bill to me!"

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I've sure gotten old.

I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.

Fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I am half blind.

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.

Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation.

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if Im 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends....

But thank God,

 

 

 

I STILL HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!!

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Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.

The good fortune to run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape.

So I got my Drs permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

 

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over!!

 

 

Reporter interviewing a 104yr old woman....

"What is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied..."No peer pressure".

 

The undertaker asked the woman ..."How old was your husband?"

"98", she replied. Two years older than me."

"So your 96", replied the undertaker.

"Hardly worth going home is it?"

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A man walked into a doctor's office with a duck on his head.

The doctor said, 'yes, sir, can I help you?'

The duck said, 'yeah, can you get this man off my ass?'

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Q: What's brown and sticky?

 

A: A stick.

 

My family loves this one. I'm ashamed to admit it kinda' tickles my funny bone, too.

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One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the home-owner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

 

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

 

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and

it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

 

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

 

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

 

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

 

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....

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