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An elderly man was married for 75 years to a nagging uncompromising wife. One day they decided to visit Jerusalem and put a spark back into their marriage. While they were visiting, the woman died. Her husband called the mortician.

 

The mortician told the man he could either bury her in Israel for $150.00 or ship her home for $5,000.00.

The man said, 'Ship her home! Ship her home!'

The mortician said, 'You don't want to save money and bury her in Israel for $150.00?'

The man said, 'No! Many, many years ago a man died here, was buried here, and rose from the grave three days later. I just can't take that chance!'

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I went to a dance club the other night...they played the "twist"...so I twisted...they played the "hustle"...and I hustled...they played "come on Eileen"...I'm not allowed back.

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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

 

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Knock, knock...

 

Who's there?

 

Atch.

 

Atch who?

 

Bless you!

 

(I've got a 3 year old daughter at home, so have some forgiveness!)

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I got this today from my MIL. Loved it!

Me too. Even if it was probably sincerely intended to be a theistic message.

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

 

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

 

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

 

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

 

The Madame Speaker and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.

 

To make it a littlemore interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know thatwith just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in thecrowd go wild?"

 

He doubts it, so sheshows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering fromevery democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

 

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...

 

"That was impressive,the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MYhand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, gocrazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that ofyour subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they willforever speak of this day and rejoice."

 

The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of Your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."

 

So the Pope slapped her!!!

 

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I've heard that one but with someone else substituted for Nancy Pelosi. Can't remember who. It's pretty funny no matter who it is though.

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I was reading about a comedy show in Iraqwhere they have contestants tell jokes to a panel of judges. Kind of like America's Got Talent.

 

I thought of a routine that might get some laughs. Here's a Ventriloquist. It doesn't matter what she says.

 

mother_in_burka.jpg

 

Yeah, pretty lame.

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There are some great jokes here, i'll admit. I'm tired and i need to go to bed, but i was hoping to find more sacrilegious jokes. Anyhow, here's my contribution:

 

A leper who has suffered for many years is desperate for a cure, so one day a friend suggests he go to a church where there are relics of a saint noted for his healing miracles. As he enters the church he begins praying, but his fingers start falling off one by one as he begins to approach the altar. After a few more steps one whole arm falls off. He starts praying with even more fervor. "Please, oh Lord, help me!" Another arm falls off, but he continues up the aisle. Suddenly a leg falls off. Although he is having great difficulty getting closer to the altar, he keeps on praying in hopes of a miracle. By the time he struggles up to the altar there is little left of his body but the trunk and a stump and he is barely able to call out with his last bit of strength, "Why, oh Lord, why?

 

A booming voice comes from behind the altar. "There's just something about you that pisses me off!"

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And here's one of my favorite nun jokes (and there are so many to chose from!).

 

Two nuns decide to go out for a bike ride. Every time they go down a hill one of them screams in delight, "Wheeeeeee, wheeeeee!"

 

Finally, the other nun can't take it anymore. "Sister Marie, if you don't stop that you'll have to put the seat back on next time!"

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Why did the atheist cross the road?

 

He thought there might be a sidewalk on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

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Mr. and Mrs. Hill had just been married, and were driving through the countryside on their way to their honeymoon. It was nearing the end of a long and tiring day, and soon after sunset Mr. Hill fell asleep at the wheel. The car left the road and smashed into the embankment.

 

Hearing the crash, Dr. Frankenstein and Igor came rushing to help. They carried the badly injured couple into the mansion, where they employed all their skills in an attempt to save the newlyweds' lives. It was no use. Mr. and Mrs. Hill were dead. Overcome by grief, Dr. Frankenstein went to his organ and began to play.

 

Igor remained to tidy up, and as the notes began to echo through the laboratory, he thought he heard movement behind him. He turned around and froze. Wait...could it be? Yes - the patients were breathing!

 

Flinging the mop to the floor, he raced from the room shouting,

 

 

 

"Master! Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

 

 

 

:Doh::lmao:

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Stop me if you've heard this...

 

Priceless

 

 

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

 

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,

 

so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

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Fiddling Around and Shyone those were pretty good. I think I am going to tell atheist jokes for a while.

 

 

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

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I truly doubt this is original even thought I thought of it just today:

 

Why did the atheist cross the road?

 

 

 

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To see for himself what's REALLY on the other side.

 

 

My wife laughed, but she's a christian.

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