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What’s the difference between the zoo and the White House?

 

The zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin’ African.

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A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband al

I went to a dance club the other night...they played the "twist"...so I twisted...they played the "hustle"...and I hustled...they played "come on Eileen"...I'm not allowed back.

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A guy walks into a bar with

A pet crocodile by his side.

 

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my

genitals inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

 

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

 

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his willy and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of

Its head

 

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

 

A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

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An 80-year-old cajun goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor isamazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, how do you stay insuch great physical condition? I'm cajun and I am a hunter, says theold guy, and

that's why I'm in such good shape.. I'm up well before

daylight and out hunting all day .. I have a beer, and all is well.

 

Well says the doctor, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.. How old was your Father when he died?

 

 

Who said my Father's dead? The doctor is amazed. You mean you're 80 years old

and your Father's still alive. How old is he?

 

 

 

He's 100 years old, says the old cajun. In fact he hunted with me this morning,

andthen we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little beer andthat's why he's still alive. He's cajun and he's a hunter, too.

 

 

Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How

 

about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

 

Who said my Nono's dead?

Stunned, the doctor asks, you mean you're 80 years

old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?

 

He's 118 years old, says the old cajun. The doctor

is getting frustrated at this point,

So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

 

No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's

getting married today.

 

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.

Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?

 

Who said he wanted to?

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  • 4 weeks later...

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.

 

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

 

The man says, "Episcopalian."

 

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

 

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

 

"Religion?"

 

"Baptist."

 

"Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

 

A third man arrives at the gates.

 

"Religion?"

 

"Jewish."

 

"Go to room 11. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

 

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

 

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

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Father O' Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the airport in Las Vegas.

 

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

 

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"

 

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O' Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

 

Father O' Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. . . Thank you very much!"

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A religious man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

 

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

 

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced, for the answer.

 

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

 

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

 

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

 

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"

 

The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work . . . my wife would have the maid do it."

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A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."

 

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."

 

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."

 

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.

 

The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"

 

St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."

 

"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"

 

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."

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Kill A Tree

Tune: "Jingle Bells"

 

Dashing to the mall in a fleet of rented trucks,

a million hairless apes are out to spend some plastic bucks.

It's Christmas time again - or maybe World War Three -

and to keep their spirits happy now, they've got to kill a tree.

 

Oh, kill a tree, kill a tree, kill a tree for Christ.

(Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, accept this sacrifice.)

Kill a tree, kill a tree, kill a tree for Christ,

not sure what we're doing, but it seems to work out nice.

 

We know we each deserve a ton or two of crap,

but to keep the goodies coming now, we've got to spill some sap,

and string electric lights, and raise the ritual star,

and bribe our friends and families to forget what jerks we are.

 

And kill a tree...(etc.)

 

We always kill a tree. That's always been enough

for videos and GI Joes and all that kiddy stuff.

But Mommy wants a Harley, and Daddy wants a boat;

that's prob'ly gonna cost at least a chicken and a goat.

 

But kill a tree...(etc.)

 

To enhance everyone's holiday cheer, I highly recommend singing this one at the mall. But depending on where you live, you may want to make sure you've got a good bail bondsman's number first.

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Monica

 

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

 

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

 

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.

 

She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

 

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

 

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

 

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the

nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think

I understand the concept of politics now."

 

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

 

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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COWS:

 

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government

can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall

where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to

their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens

wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

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CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why

don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,

it has worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

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TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in

a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit

Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and

politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

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George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:

 

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she is behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe

Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one

woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her

ass off to jail."

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What this implies about dogs and cats, you decide. I only hope it gives you a laugh...

 

 

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

 

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

 

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

 

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with

bizarre little dangling objects. They dine

lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

 

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

 

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolations are the facts that one of the children is still wailing about his mangled finger and that the leader of the captors is still trying to get the hair out of the tub.

 

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my imprisonment was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

 

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The canine is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is either a half-wit or incredibly cunning suck-up. The feathered one, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, which is a shame because he looks delicious and smells absolutely marvelous. These humans are cannibalistic monsters that have not yet made a mistake. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

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Rejected Dr. Seuss Books:

 

1: One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch

2: Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

3: Fox in Detox

4: Who Shat in the Hat?

5: Horton Hires a Ho

6: The Cat in the Blender

7: My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

 

8: Bi-Curious George

 

 

 

Little Golden Books That Never Made It:

 

1: You Are Different...And That's Bad

2: The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3: Dad's New Wife...Robert

4: Kathy Was So Bad Her Mother Stopped Loving Her

5: Curious George and the High Voltage Fence

6: All Cats Go To Hell

7: The Little Sissy Who Snitched

8: Some Kittens Can Fly

9: That's It...I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

10: The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

11: Strangers Have the Best Candy

12: You Were an Accident

13: Things Rich Kids Have..But You Never Will

14: Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games

15: The Man In the Moon Is Actually Satan

16: Your Nightmares are Real

17: Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

18: Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

19: Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

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Charm School

 

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation while

waiting in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman

married to a wealthy man.

 

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

 

When the conversation centered on children, the California woman

started by saying, "When my first child was born,

my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

 

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that lovely??"

 

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my

husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

 

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that lovely??"

 

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was

born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

 

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that lovely??"

 

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy

for you when you had your first child?"

 

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

 

"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth

for?"

 

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying,

'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that lovely?'"

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To all the guys out there...

 

If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once. You get eaten only once, too. It takes four minutes to get hard, and only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

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deck the halls...remix

 

"Deck the halls with all our issues,

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Don’t forget Xanax and tissues,

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Hide the bong and light the Yule log,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Aren’t you glad you spiked the eggnog?

Fa la la la la, la la la la."

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Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along.

 

Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat."

 

An excited Little Johnny agreed.

 

Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."

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'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

 

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

 

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRD sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

 

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

 

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

 

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

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Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

 

Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."

 

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

 

Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."

 

MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

 

Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid."

 

Iguana: "The other green meat."

 

Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"

 

Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

 

Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

 

Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"

 

Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"

 

Trojans: "Just add meat."

 

Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

 

Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"

 

Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

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The Adult Version of

 

'The Night Before Christmas'

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,

A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jocked, to cover my ass,

When down the chimmney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was al smelly with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,

"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,

And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

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Only Texians will get this one...

 

Men talking:

 

Man 1: I heard Texas A&M bought 400 septic tanks.

 

Man 2: Four hundred septic tanks? What the hell for?

 

Man 1: The way I hear it, as soon as they learn to dive them they are attacking the University of Texas.

 

 

ba-ding-ding

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