Brakeman Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Back in the days of the Soviet Union, A KGB agent noticed an old man in a Moscow Park reading a Hebrew language book. This amused the agent and he chided the old man, "old man why are you trying to learn Hebrew? You'll never visit Israel in your lifetime". The old man replied, "yes but I'm old and will die soon, and they speak Hebrew in Heaven". This caused the KGB Man to split with laughter, "Suppose you go to Hell?" The old man replied "I already speak Russian" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
par4dcourse Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Ten truckers were stranded at a truckstop on Pike's Peak during a hellish snowstorm. After a week, the waitress was so ashamed by what she was doing she killed herself. After another week, the truckers were so ashamed that they buried her. From Gene Tracy's Truckstop, with which I 'came of age." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
par4dcourse Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Oldie but goodie Preacher in a small backwoods church had a hell-fire and brimstone sermon in full throttle about honesty. "Honesty is gawds way. Honesty is the best policy. Tell all brethren, honesty is good for the soul." One little ole lady stood up and said "I stayed home from church last week to sleep late." "Amen, sister, the lawd forgives you. Who's next?" Teenager stood up and said "I sassed my parents something fierce last week. Lawd forgive me." Preacher says "The lawd forgives all, my son, and you've got a friend in jebus." Finally a little scrawny old fellow stands up. "Preacher, y'all know my wife is upstate visitin' her sick mother for a while, and, well I got this feelin' the other day. So's I took this sheep out behind the barn, and well......" "Damn, brother" the preacher broke in, "I don't believe I'da told all that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realist Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 Newsflash!!! A chimp at the Washington Zoo was caught today with both a copy of the Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. It is thought that he was trying to work out whether he was his brother's keeper or his keeper's brother! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hereticzero Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 Veterinary Students Pay Attention! First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girlfound Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Thanks for the jokes. I was having a rough night, and now I'm feeling so much better. Keep 'em comin'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibllsmek Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 Two cripples walk into a bar. Everyone cheers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulQ Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 Veterinary Students Pay Attention! First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid. I heard a different take on that joke; it was a professor teaching a medical class about the importance of observation. In this one, he was describing how to test for diabetes by detecting sugar in the urine. He then stuck his finger in the glass of urine, and then put his finger in his mouth to taste it in order to detect sugar. He requested everyone to do the exact same as he did, and...well, you know the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeryBerry Posted August 10, 2010 Share Posted August 10, 2010 Nivek LOL! I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted August 10, 2010 Share Posted August 10, 2010 The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realist Posted September 12, 2010 Share Posted September 12, 2010 One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ. The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said .. . . . . (This is priceless...) , , , , , , "OK, Monica, you're free to go." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovemybrain Posted September 12, 2010 Share Posted September 12, 2010 snip , "OK, Monica, you're free to go." Aaahahaha! Eewww... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realist Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Johnny the Baptist! Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him 'playing church' with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!' Johnny looked up at her and said, 'He should have thought about that before he joined my church.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 A devout and faithful Roman Catholic priest died and in an instant is standing at the Pearly Gates. The Archangel greets him and welcomes him to heaven. "What would you like to do first?" asks the Archangel. "Well, I would like to see Heaven's library. I love to read and study." "Very, well. Follow me." When the Archangel delivered the Priest to the library and showed him around, he left the Priest alone to read." After a few minutes, the Archangel heard the Priest yell, "Oh, No!" The Archangel ran to the priest and asked, "What's wrong?" "It says celebrate." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Why was Tigger staring into the toilet? ...... He was looking for Pooh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChef Posted September 28, 2010 Share Posted September 28, 2010 How do Xians brain cells die?.........ALONE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted September 29, 2010 Share Posted September 29, 2010 How does the only lawyer in a small town get more business? By convincing another lawyer to move into the town. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hereticzero Posted September 29, 2010 Share Posted September 29, 2010 This little gem my son came up with just for his grandparents. He learned it in 4th grade: 'How many 50 year olds does it take to screw in a light bulb?' 'None. At 50, their screwing days are over ....' ====================== My son is a real treasure of wit. As he grew up and got into stuff, the stuff adults always tell kids to leave the hell alone, at our house it went like, 'Wally damn it, quit it,' 'Wally damn it knock it off,' 'Wally damn it, quit trying to put duct tape on the cat,' etc.. You get the rest? Well, Wally goes to kindergarten and the teacher comes up to him and asks, 'what is your name?' My son replies proudly, 'Wally damnit!' I got a call from the school about that one .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted October 1, 2010 Super Moderator Share Posted October 1, 2010 I got a call from the school about that one .... Those were hilarious, HZ. Speaking of school...... TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIE: Because George still had the ax in his hand? -------------------------------- TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir. I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted October 1, 2010 Share Posted October 1, 2010 This little gem my son came up with just for his grandparents. He learned it in 4th grade: 'How many 50 year olds does it take to screw in a light bulb?' 'None. At 50, their screwing days are over ....' ====================== My son is a real treasure of wit. As he grew up and got into stuff, the stuff adults always tell kids to leave the hell alone, at our house it went like, 'Wally damn it, quit it,' 'Wally damn it knock it off,' 'Wally damn it, quit trying to put duct tape on the cat,' etc.. You get the rest? Well, Wally goes to kindergarten and the teacher comes up to him and asks, 'what is your name?' My son replies proudly, 'Wally damnit!' I got a call from the school about that one .... hehehe. I've got a friend whose dog is named dammit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleeplessGhost Posted November 22, 2010 Share Posted November 22, 2010 did you guys hear about the magical tractor? it turned into a field! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sssmee Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 What does the Bible and a Catholic Priests Penis often have in commom . Both get rammed down little boys throats. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sssmee Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 Me Missus thought she was really smart when she got cheeky and suggested my penis resembled a Tic Tac But i asked her if that is really the case , then how come your sister still has bad breath ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sssmee Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 Why does an Irishman always need ta be wearing tree Condoms ? Ahhh ta be sure ta be sure ta be sure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sssmee Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 There was these three young kids away on holiday at a tourist fun park .One was from England one from the U.S.A and the other was a Kiwi , and they were all proud as punch of their dads and explaining why they thought their dad was the very best. The kid from England said well when my dad is smoking ciggys he is real cool cause he showed me how he can blow smoke rings . The Kid from the U.S.A says .What he only blows smoke rings ? . .Hell my dad blows smoke rings plus he also does the Chinese draw-back too . Both kids proud as punch turn around and look over toward the Kiwi kid and ask ... Hey Kiwi ...bet your small country town dad cant beat any of that .The Kiwi kid looks up and says ..What only blowing smoke rings and doing Chinese draw-backs ? .Man that shits really old school .... My Dad does all that stuff no trouble easy peezy.... plus he can smoke his ciggys out of his butt too ! . The other two kids quickly go ...say what ?? smokes ciggys out of his butt hole ?? ..... No cant be ... How do you know he can really do that ? The Kiwi kid replys .... Well i know this for sure because ive seen all the massive nicotine stains that he always ends up leaving on all his undies when they end up getting put out in the washing machine basket Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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