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There was this little Maori kid named Johnny that lived in a little town over here called Ngaruawahia , down in the Waikato country who enjoyed racing around the back roads on the families horses and cart . One day while racing around a corner yelling and whipping the horses like a county hickster version of Evel Knievel and going way way to fast , the cart suddenly slides off the dirt road and horses and cart tumble down the hill finally coming to a rest in a creek bed . However as damn Murphys law and very bad luck would have it , it soon became obvious that sadly one of the cart shaft poles had shafted one of the horses butt .

 

Johnny who has been thrown from the cart during the tumble , gets up and quickly removes all the clinging blackberry bushes he has been flung into , and suddenly also see`s the terrible predicament one of the horses is in , so knowing he cant fix the problem on his own he climbs hurriedly back up the hill and races off running like a mad womens shit back toward town screaming and yelling like hell at the top of his voice all the way .

 

Not far before town Johnny still running like the clappers suddenly comes upon on of the local Catholic priests who was just heading out for his afternoon walk ... Who wide-eyed and surprised as hell at all the comotion going on , and rather afraid at what the hell might be making Johnny feel he needs to scream like a banshee and run like the devils chasing him .. Shaking like a leaf worriedly asks .... Johnny ? Johhny ?? ...ohh dear mother Mary ! ...Please do tell me whats the problem my son

 

Johnny manages to stop yelling and come to a stop and still huffing and puffing from all the running trys his best to start to explain to the Catholic priest . He says , :vent: Father O'Leary i was just out down the road having some fun in the horses and cart and enjoying the wind :wicked: as it blew through my hair , when going around one of the corners just slightly a wee little :liar: to fast , the horses and cart suddenly skidded off :dead: the road and rolled down the hill and ended up coming to rest with a cart shaft sticking up one of the horses .. up his .bbb ...umm arr ..umm :scratch:

 

Father O`Leary finally sighing with an extreme sense of great relief that it now seems obvious that atleast no devils are following Johnny , now also understands what this wee young lad is actually trying to explain , and so he suggest .... you meant to say rectum ? Johnny

 

Johhny still looking very wide eyed and worried as hell replys .... rectum ?? Father ..... No ! ... No ! sir ....its even far worse :Doh: than that ....Please do try to better understand sir ......Im quite sure that indeed its almost bloody near killed em !

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I went to a dance club the other night...they played the "twist"...so I twisted...they played the "hustle"...and I hustled...they played "come on Eileen"...I'm not allowed back.

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It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says, "Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"

 

So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls knee deep in water.

 

Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not go to the end of the dock and try."

 

So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and falls up to his waist.

 

Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the lake and try there."

 

So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about to step off and try again when Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state of mind you were in the first time you did it."

 

So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all psyched up, and steps out of the canoe...and proceeds to drown. So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat. Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat. Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those holes in your feet last time?"

 

+++

 

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

 

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

 

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

 

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

 

And a great voice was heard from above:

 

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

 

Now THAT was a great punchline! Except now I have to clean the coffee off my computer screen. But no worries, it's worth it for the big ol' laugh first thing in the morning!

 

Thanks.

 

lmao_99.gif

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I aim to please. :D *dips a curtsey*

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Cleaned up from "Gene Tracy's Truckstop"

Robert and John were sitting on a park bench talking when Robert

started discussing the events of the previous night.

 

Robert: You remember brother Bill? He's crippled you know.

 

John: Yeah! Good guy.

 

Robert: Yeah well, we went out to dinner last week. Really hard

for him to get around. He's crippled you know. We went to the

movies two nights ago and he couldn't even get into the theatre

because he couldn't get up the stairs, 'cause he's crippled you

know. Well, he went to a faith healer last night. Trying to get

into the place and he fell down twice. He's crippled you know.

The faith healer saw him stumbling up on his crutches and

greeted him in the aisle. The faith healer put his hands on

Brother Bill's head and started chanting and carrying on and

kicked the crutch right out from under Brother Bill's right arm.

Then he leaned over and kicked the crutch out from under Brother

Bill's left arm and commanded him to walk.

 

John: Wow! It's a miracle! What happened? Did he walk again?

 

Robert: No, he fell flat on his ass.

Wait for it........

He's crippled you know.

 

 

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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

 

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

 

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.

 

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

 

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches...

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A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

 

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

 

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

 

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

 

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

 

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

 

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

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God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

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"The U.S. Cardinals said they are going to develop a code of ethics to help them deal with the sexual scandal. Wait a minute, I thought their already was a code of ethics, it's called the Bible." —Jay Leno

 

"I read this in the paper this morning: New York City has a priest shortage. So you see, there is some good news in the world. ... To give you an idea how bad it is, earlier today in Brooklyn an alter boy had to grope himself." —David Letterman

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I went to a dance club the other night...they played the "twist"...so I twisted...they played the "hustle"...and I hustled...they played "come on Eileen"...I'm not allowed back.

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three guys walked into a bar..........the fourth one ducked.

 

:rimshot:

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Lithuania, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Singaporean, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

 

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
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Japanese guy on vacation in California goes to the currency exchange again for more pocket cash. He trades his Yen and gets $180 bucks.

"What going on here," he fumes, "yesterday I get 2 hunnerd dollar."

"Fluctuations" says the attendant.

"Well, Fluck you stupid Americans too!"

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Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing. At lunchtime, the man opens a can of cider. “Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy. “I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy touch your backside?”

 

“No, Grandpa.” “Then you can’t have any cider.” Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes. “Can I have one, Grandpa?” Grandpa replies, “Can your willy touch your backside?” “No.” “Then it’s no to a cigarette.” On the way home, they pass a newsagent’s and each of them buys a scratch card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins $20, 000. “Are you going to share some of your winnings with me, son?” asks Grandpa. The boy replies, “I tell you what, can your willy touch your backside?” “It sure can,” replies Grandpa confidently. “Then go fuck yourself.”

 

 

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A nymphomaniac could never find enough men to satisfy her so she decided to buy her own dildo. Now she had an old boyfriend who stocked some unique sexual aids and went along to ask him for something extra special.” As it happens, I’ve just had this dildo delivered,” he said. “It’s from Hawaii and it’s got strange powers. All you have to say is “Dildo my pussy” and it will do the business.” So she took it home, unwrapped it and said “Dildo my pussy” and the dildo jumped out of the box and up between her legs. It was the most fantastic feeling she’d ever had but when she wanted it to stop, it wouldn’t. Her boyfriend hadn’t given her the right words to say and she was now feeling very knackered. “There’s only one thing to do,” she thought to herself. “I’d better get to the doctor’s.” So she jumped in the car and drove as fast as she could to the surgery but on the way a policeman stopped her for speeding. She explained her predicament, in between having another orgasm, but the policeman looked at her as if she was mad. “If I believed that, I’d believe anything,” he said. “Dildo my ass!”

 

 

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A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company. “I’ve got just what you need,” said the pet shop owner. “Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he’ll sing ‘Rock of Ages’ and if you pull the string on his right leg, he’ll recite the Lord’s Prayer.” “That is truly remarkable,” exclaimed the vicar, “but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?” “I fall off my bloody perch, you wanker,” screeched the parrot.

 

 

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Two men, who’ve been good friends for years, go off hiking over the Yorkshire Dales. They walk 20 miles during the morning and stop for lunch at the Travellers Rest for sandwiches and a few pints of beer. Of course, halfway through the afternoon Bob is dying for a pee and rushes into the undergrowth to relieve himself. All of a sudden Pete hears a mighty scream and rushing over, he discovers that Bob has been bitten on his todger by a rare snake. “Don’t worry Bob, I’ll go and get help,” says Pete, and he sets off for the nearest village. The doctor tells him that his mate will die unless he acts immediately. “You need to suck out all the poison from the wound as soon as possible.”

 

Pete returns to Bob who’s lying there in agony. “What did he say” asks Bob. “Sorry mate, the doctor says you’re going to die.”

 

 

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Mickey Mouse is sitting in the office of his lawyer. The lawyer is looking through a stack of cell phone bills and credit card statments,scratches his head and replies.....

 

"Mr.Mouse,I don't see the evidence of mental incompetence or delusions on the part of Mrs.Mouse.

But we can proceed with......... Mickey buts in furious

 

 

"I didn't say shit about her being crazy,I SAID SHE'S FUCKING GOOFY!!!! :grin:

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Two lady golfers were teeing off on the 7th hole when the second player’s shot went so wide it hit a man on the 8th tee. He clasped his hands to his crotch in agony as he fell to the ground.

 

“Oh I’m so very sorry,” said the woman as she ran over to help him. “Is there anything I can do? I’m a masseuse so I might be able to ease the pain.” With that, she ordered the man to lay out on the ground, put his hands by his side, undid his trousers and started to massage his manhood. “There, is that helping?” she asked looking very concerned.

 

“That’s great,” he replied, “but my finger is still throbbing.”

 

 

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Vito went to visit Vinnie, who had a broken leg. Vinnie asks Vito if he'd run upstairs and get his slippers for him. Vito goes up and finds Vinnie's two hot daughters still in bed. He tells them, "Your father told me to come up here and fuck both of you." One of the daughters says, "I don't believe you. Prove it." So Vito yells down to Vinnie, "Hey Vinnie, both of them?" Vinnie yells back, "Yeah, What's the good of fuckin' one?"

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  • 1 month later...

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is

Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken

Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had

Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along

The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the

Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running

All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an

Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of

Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his

Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and

Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself

Thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy

Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future

Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him

Lightly on the lips

He responds warmly

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in

His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's

Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she

Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she

Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night

Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in

The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently

Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,

Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

 

 

 

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

 

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that

rises into the clouds.

 

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

 

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

 

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

 

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

 

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

 

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

 

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

 

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

 

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his

climbing.

 

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

 

"Yes, please, my Lord."

 

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

 

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

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"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

 

LOL. I tried to give you a point for that, but I've reached my quota for today, apparently :(

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