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A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband al

I went to a dance club the other night...they played the "twist"...so I twisted...they played the "hustle"...and I hustled...they played "come on Eileen"...I'm not allowed back.

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Q.  Why did the pervert cross the road?

 

A.  He had his cock stuck up a chicken.

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What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

 

Dam.

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Two leprechauns knocked on the door of a convent.  Mother superior opened the door and said, "Ach, bless me, little leprechauns! What can I do for you?"  

 

The first leprechaun stepped forward and said, "Well, mother, my friend and I were wondering if we might speak to the wee nun."

 

"The wee nun, what are you talking about, the wee nun?" mother superior inquired.

 

"Well, mother, there's this nun and she's only about as tall as we are. We'd really like to have a word with her," the leprechaun replied.

 

"What rubbish! There's no such thing as a sister that short," mother superior retorted.

 

"Well, mother, I hate to argue with a woman of god and all, but I can assure you there's this nun and she's only about as tall as we are. It's urgent that we speak with her, didn't I mention it?" the leprechaun exclaimed.

 

"Well, I've never heard of such a nun, and we've certainly no sisters in this convent that short. Now be off with you and on your way!" the mother superior said before slamming the door in their faces.

 

About that time, the second leprechaun stepped forward and said, "I'm telling you, Paddy, that's a penguin we've been fucking."

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One day a passing stranger came into Notre Dame and asked Quasimodo if he could have a chance to ring the great bell of the cathedral.

Quasimodo agreed and took the stranger up to the bell tower. Once there Quasimodo showed how to pull the rope to get the great bell swinging and explained that it was important to be sure you were out of the way when the bell swung back.

The stranger pulled the rope and set the great bell swinging but he was too enthralled by watching it to remember to get out of the way of the backswing. The bell swung back and hit the stranger with a resounding BONG and threw him out of the tower.

Quasimodo raced down to the street and pushed his way to where the stranger lay but found him clearly dead.

Upon seeing Quasimodo approach through the crowd, someone asked if he knew the dead man.

Quasimodo replied, "No, but his face rings a bell."

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  • 5 weeks later...

Q:  Why do women love Jesus?

 

A:  Because he's hung like this.

post-21261-0-57389100-1385093895_thumb.jpg

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What is Forrest Gump's Facebook password?

 

1Forrest1.

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  • 2 weeks later...

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

 

A salad shooter.

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A couple were Christmas shopping and the shopping center was packed.
...
As Susan, the wife, walked through one of the malls she was surprised to look around and saw that Brian, her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Since she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, Brian said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace
that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that shop."

"Well, he said, I'm in the pub next door to it."
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God decided to go on vacation, so he went to see his travel agent. "What about Mercury?" the agent said. "The beach there is great this time of year."

"No, I'm not really in the mood for the tropics," said God. "What else you got?"

"Well, there's always Pluto. Best skiing in the solar system."

"No. See? That's the problem! I can't really decide between beach and ski resort..."

"Okay, well, how about Earth? Earth has it all. Best of both worlds, really."

"Oh no, I can't go there," said God. "Went a couple thousand years ago, knocked a girl up. They're STILL talking about it."

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A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.  A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck. When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?" The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,  "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing? "The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked, "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

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I was testing children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' 'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKIN' DEAD!'

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Two guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you look tired." His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do." An older fellow who was sitting a couple of stools down over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"

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  • 1 month later...
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Even though this thread automatically locked after 30 days of inactivity, we need more jokes, so I unlocked it.  

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  • 2 months later...
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The pope got a phone call from god, who said, "Well, supreme pontiff, I've got some good news and some bad news for you.  Which would you like first."

 

The pope replied, "I suppose I'd prefer the good news first."

 

god responded, "Well, I've decided to do away with all these different denominations and faiths.  From here on out there is going to be One Faith and One People."

 

Excited, the pope asked, "What could the bad news possibly be then?"

 

god said, "The bad news is that I'm calling you from Salt Lake City."

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A guy walks into his doctor's office and says he needs 3 Viagra right away.

 

The doctor asks why he needs 3 and the guy says "well my ex wife is coming over this morning, my wife will be home this afternoon, and I'm seeing my girlfriend tonight."

 

The doctor agrees to give him 3, but says "I want to see you first thing tomorrow morning to do a checkup, no matter what."

 

So the next morning the guy walks into the doctor's office with an ace bandage on his wrist and a sling on his arm. The doctor asks the man, "What happened?!".

 

The man replies "none of them showed."

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A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.

 

They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to get her some punch.

 

He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,

 

"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

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A lost rhinoceros wanders into a house and cannot find his way back out.

 

He panics and runs through a wall, destroying the kitchen. He's still inside the house so he breaks through another wall, finding himself in the bathroom. He's frustrated that he still hasn't gotten out of the house and he tears through a third wall.

 

Still, he has not found his way out of the house. The rhinoceros then starts running towards another wall but then stops, faces you, and says "you thought I'd break the fourth wall, didn't you?"

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A man dies and goes to hell.

 

The devil greets him:

You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.

 

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped.

 

The second room has someone being burned by a torch.

 

The third has a man getting a blowjob by a naked woman.

 

I choose this room!- the man says.

 

Very well, - the devil says.

 

He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

 

You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

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Prophet Mohammed's friend says "Your wife is calling you a pedophile."

 

Mohammed replies "Thats a big word, for a nine year old!"

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