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Lame Jokes

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4 hours ago, duderonomy said:

 

Ok. Now I don't get it again. 

Pretty sure it's not the joke's fault this time...

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6 hours ago, Fweethawt said:

Pretty sure it's not the joke's fault this time...

 

Yeah. Sure can't be the fault of the guy that told the joke.  Besides, Fuego told me the vampire turned into a bat, and if that's not the point of the joke, you should have said so from the start, because you know that's what I was going on.

 

I'm the victim here, dammit!

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27 minutes ago, duderonomy said:

 

Yeah. Sure can't be the fault of the guy that told the joke.  Besides, Fuego told me the vampire turned into a bat, and if that's not the point of the joke, you should have said so from the start, because you know that's what I was going on.

 

I'm the victim here, dammit!

Just never mind. If it has to be explained to you at this point, it won't even be anywhere near as funny as it was when you first could not understand it.

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13 minutes ago, Fweethawt said:

Just never mind. If it has to be explained to you at this point, it won't even be anywhere near as funny as it was when you first could not understand it.

 

Well that wouldn't be a big step down, but ok. I'll take this as a chance to get out. In fact, I'm a little tired of going back and forth with you like this, so it's a relief.

 

Still,  no comment from you on my response to the "fourth wall" joke then?    :Hmm:

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1 hour ago, duderonomy said:

Still,  no comment from you on my response to the "fourth wall" joke then?    :Hmm:

 No, not really... Your skeptical appraisal sort of took the fun out of it, if that's what you were shooting for though. So thanks for that.

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22 minutes ago, Fweethawt said:

 No, not really... Your skeptical appraisal sort of took the fun out of it, if that's what you were shooting for though. So thanks for that.

 

Took the fun out because it was accurate. 

Every joke has to have a basis in truth, and I'm sorry you don't know that. For example, a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! Why the long face?" Now that's funny!

 

 

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An asshole walks in to a joke thread and says, "I don't get it."

 

Nothing funny comes from this. And life goes on.

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21 hours ago, Fweethawt said:

An asshole walks in to a joke thread and says, "I don't get it."

 

Nothing funny comes from this. And life goes on.

 

Well I'm sorry Fweethawt. I thought we were just joking around again. I didn't mean to poop on the party or cause any hard feelings. 

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1 hour ago, duderonomy said:

 

Well I'm sorry Fweethawt. I thought we were just joking around again. I didn't mean to poop on the party or cause any hard feelings. 

Oh will you stop being such a big baby? I'm only playing around also. Sheesh!

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22 hours ago, Fweethawt said:

Oh will you stop being such a big baby? I'm only playing around also. Sheesh!

 

You were playing around? Really? Then you don't really think I'm an asshole?   :wub:   

You had me going there for a while, ya big lug!  *sniffle*

 

 

 

 

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Hey, here's one!  What do an elephant and a bird have in common? Neither one can ride a tricycle!

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A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

 

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

 

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

 

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

 

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

 

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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Just now, Fweethawt said:

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

 

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

 

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

 

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

 

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

 

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

:lmao::yelrotflmao:

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You want lame, I'll give you lame.

 

Why does Yoda believe that it's five that is afraid of seven?

 

Because 6 7 8.

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There’s a priest, a nun and a biker on a plane that’s going down.

 

The nun screams, "Oh the children!" 

 

The biker says, "Fuck the kids!"

 

The priest starts taking his pants off saying, "I didn’t know we had time for that."

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^^I shouldn't have laughed at that, but I did.   :fdevil:

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6 hours ago, buffettphan said:

^^I shouldn't have laughed at that, but I did.   :fdevil:

:fdevil:

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A senior in high school asks his crush to the prom and she says "yes".

 

The young man wants to make it a memorable night, so he goes to rent a limo.  The line at the rental agency is really long, but he patiently waits and eventually is able to secure a very nice ride for the special night.

 

Later he heads to the florist to get a corsage for his date.  There are many other eager young men there, but he waits his turn and finally gets the perfect floral arrangement for the young woman.

 

He then goes to rent a tuxedo, and because it is prom season, he waits and waits as many other suitors get fitted for the special night before it is his turn.

 

Finally, the big night arrives.  The young couple are having a great time.  At around 10 o'clock she tells him that she is thirsty, so being the gentleman he is, he goes to the refreshment table to get her some punch and there is no punchline.

 

 

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On 1/22/2018 at 12:09 AM, WarriorPoet said:

A senior in high school asks his crush to the prom and she says "yes".

 

The young man wants to make it a memorable night, so he goes to rent a limo.  The line at the rental agency is really long, but he patiently waits and eventually is able to secure a very nice ride for the special night.

 

Later he heads to the florist to get a corsage for his date.  There are many other eager young men there, but he waits his turn and finally gets the perfect floral arrangement for the young woman.

 

He then goes to rent a tuxedo, and because it is prom season, he waits and waits as many other suitors get fitted for the special night before it is his turn.

 

Finally, the big night arrives.  The young couple are having a great time.  At around 10 o'clock she tells him that she is thirsty, so being the gentleman he is, he goes to the refreshment table to get her some punch and there is no punchline.

 

 

Damn it.  I was expecting him to arrive at his date's house and wait his turn again.

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3 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Damn it.  I was expecting him to arrive at his date's house and wait his turn again.

The dirty version has him doing exactly that -- post prom. :lol:

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, 

 

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'

 

... and she's always sound asleep."

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

 

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

 

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

 

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

 

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

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Trump is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

 

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

 

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

 

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

 

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous.

 

I meant to shout Donald duck."

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Tony Blair and George Bush were in a plane together. The plane crashed and they both got killed ... and found themselves in Hell. Tony wasn't to happy with this and sought out the Devil and asked him if there was any way out of the place. The Devil said that if he makes love to two of the ugliest women around he'd let him go. So Tony fucks a deformed giantess and a hideously grotesque dwarf. He then goes looking for the Devil. Before he can find him he sees George making love to Marilyn Monroe. When he eventually meets up with the Devil again he whines: "Why did I have to make love to those disgusting women but George gets to screw Marilyn?" The Devil replies: She wants to get out of here too." 

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Q:  Why are soldiers so tired on April Fool's Day?

A:  They just finished a 31 day march.:(

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