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Goodbye Jesus

Lame Jokes


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On 1/29/2012 at 3:39 PM, LivingLife said:

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

 

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that

rises into the clouds.

 

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

 

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

 

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

 

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

 

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

 

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

 

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

 

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

 

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his

climbing.

 

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

 

"Yes, please, my Lord."

 

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

 

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

 

I don't get it. 

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On 12/30/2010 at 6:41 PM, par4dcourse said:

Cleaned up from "Gene Tracy's Truckstop"

 

Robert and John were sitting on a park bench talking when Robert

started discussing the events of the previous night.

 

Robert: You remember brother Bill? He's crippled you know.

 

John: Yeah! Good guy.

 

Robert: Yeah well, we went out to dinner last week. Really hard

for him to get around. He's crippled you know. We went to the

movies two nights ago and he couldn't even get into the theatre

because he couldn't get up the stairs, 'cause he's crippled you

know. Well, he went to a faith healer last night. Trying to get

into the place and he fell down twice. He's crippled you know.

The faith healer saw him stumbling up on his crutches and

greeted him in the aisle. The faith healer put his hands on

Brother Bill's head and started chanting and carrying on and

kicked the crutch right out from under Brother Bill's right arm.

Then he leaned over and kicked the crutch out from under Brother

Bill's left arm and commanded him to walk.

 

John: Wow! It's a miracle! What happened? Did he walk again?

 

Robert: No, he fell flat on his ass.

Wait for it........

He's crippled you know.

 

 

 

Lol...lol.... Unfortunately, I can't add añy more reactions today 😄

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On 7/28/2010 at 3:29 AM, Dibllsmek said:

Two cripples walk into a bar.

Everyone cheers.

 

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.

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They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

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2 hours ago, Anushka said:

 

I don't get it. 

 

See? It happens.

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A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf...

 

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?

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A priest, Rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

 

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

 

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

 

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

 

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

 

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

 

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

 

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

 

The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.

 

“There’s another bar across the road.”

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Oh, Fwee....   how do I un-read that?    :eviltongue:

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6 hours ago, older said:

Oh, Fwee....   how do I un-read that?    :eviltongue:

:lmao:

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On 5/21/2018 at 5:35 AM, older said:

Oh, Fwee....   how do I un-read that?    :eviltongue:

 

Lol lol lol 😀

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A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each.

 

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

 

Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.

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3 hours ago, Fweethawt said:

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each.

 

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

 

Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.

 

😁

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“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said.

“Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. 

“It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

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The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

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3 hours ago, Fweethawt said:

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each.

 

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

 

Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.

 

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I  still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

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On 5/21/2018 at 3:32 AM, Fweethawt said:

A priest, Rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

 

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

 

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

 

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

 

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

 

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

 

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

 

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

 

The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.

 

“There’s another bar across the road.”

 

Ohhhh.... @Fweethawt Now I get it: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the bar! 

 

😃

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1 hour ago, Anushka said:

 

Ohhhh.... @Fweethawt Now I get it: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the bar! 

 

😃

:lmao:

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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

 

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

 

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, dad.

She's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

 

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

 

She sure deserves it!

 

Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

 

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

 

Love, your son, Joshua.

 

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

 

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

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Preacher: What do you fear most about going to hell??

 

Me: No Internet! 

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  • 2 weeks later...

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Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.

Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"

Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.

After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.

She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."

Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"

On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."

They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.

"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."

"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.

"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.

She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.

After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.

"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.

Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"

"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."

Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."

"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A lumberjack went into the Magic Forest to cut down the tree.

 

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

 

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

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What did the traffic light say to the car?

 

Don't look! I am about to change.

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What do you do if someone thinks an onion is the only food that can make them cry?

 

Throw a coconut at their face.

 

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Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

 

To raise some dough.

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I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

 

Do not read it.

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