Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
sexkitten

Lame Jokes

Recommended Posts

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

 

 

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

  • Haha 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Related to my previous effort:

 

I pointed out to my mate that he seemed to have a steering wheel in his trousers. "I know", he said, " it's driving me nuts". 

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

 

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

 

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

 

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

 

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

 

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

 

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady 
struck up a conversation and discovered that 
they both loved to fish. 

 

Since both of them were widowed, 
they decided to go fishing together the next day. 
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they 
headed to the river to his fishing boat and 
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a 
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

 

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt 
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man 
right there in the boat !

 

When they finished, the man couldn't believe 
what had just happened, but he had just experienced 
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the 
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the 
river.

 

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, 
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so 
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, 
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in 
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

 

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman 
guided the boat down the river when he came upon 
another fork in the river and he asked the 
lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

 

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked 
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

 

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing 
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 
fuck or drown...

  • Haha 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I invented a new word.

 

Plagiarism!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump rally?


He's fine -- fake noose.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why won't Monica Lewinsky vote for Hilary Clinton?

 

 

 

 

 

Because the last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/17/2018 at 2:07 AM, Anushka said:

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?” 
His mum answers, “The girl is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” 

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

 

 In a similar vein:

 

Why do brides wear white? 

 

So they match the rest of the domestic appliances. 

 

I'll be back when the ladies of ExC are no longer hunting for me! 😁

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How does The Rock pee?

 

 

 

 

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh...

 

 

...after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/28/2018 at 11:05 PM, AliT said:

 In a similar vein:

 

Why do brides wear white? 

 

So they match the rest of the domestic appliances. 

 

I'll be back when the ladies of ExC are no longer hunting for me! 😁

 

👊 Thou shalt be punched.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

 

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

 

Then silence...

 

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”

 

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

  • Haha 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A long time ago, the British and French were at War. During one battle, the French captured an English major. They took the major to their headquarters and a French general began to question him. 

The French general asked 'why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easy targets for us to shoot?'. 

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. 

And that is why from that day to now, all French army officers wear brown pants.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest end3

Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory?  He couldn't concentrate...

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/29/2005 at 1:26 AM, SkipNChurch said:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in

the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

 

🤣🤣🤪👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A chicken and a horse were playing together in a barnyard.

 

Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me!" The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says,"Thank you, I owe you my life."

 

A couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken falls into the pit and calls to the horse, "Help me Help me! Go get the farmer!" The horse looks everywhere, but he can"t find the farmer, and he then says to the chicken, "Its, OK, I think I can get you out on my own." The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my dick." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, thus, horse saves the chicken's life.

 

Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks."

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A DEA agent stopped at our farm the other day.

 

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

 

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

 

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!”

 

I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

 

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs....

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a man with a 25 inch penis.

 

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

 

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches.

 

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches.

 

The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”

 

Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.”

 

The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great.

 

He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”.

 

Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.