Lame Jokes

[Casey]

Joe and Fred, two retired ex-businessmen who were neither of 'em any better than they should have been, chanced to meet in Caville Avenue Surfer's Paradise.

 

"Haven't seen you in years Joe! And you were saying you live on the Gold Coast now?" (If you have to ask what that costs, you couldn't afford it).

 

"Sure do Fred, me factory burned down and I collected a three million dollar payout, so why not? And you old mate?"

 

"Oh I live here too Joe. A block of flats I owned in Brisbane got washed away during the last floods there, and I got five million out of that."

 

Joe looked around very carefully then took Fred aside and asked discreetly, "Just between the two of us - I promise it'll go no further - how the fuck did you manage to start a flood?"

Casey

[Casey]

Dad and Dave had finally got enough money to retire from the old goanna block they'd farmed for years and decided to go on an overseas trip. They went to France and of course they had to see La Ville Lumiere (Paris)

 

They took in the usual tourist traps, the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower the Arc De Triomphe and the Champs Elysee, but after three weeks doing the culture vulture bit, Dave said to Dad, "Fuck it old man, I'm bored! How's about we find ourselves a brothel?"

 

After some hours searching the less salubrious quarters of the city, they found a building which answered that description very well, and went inside, where they were greeted by the Madam, an old battleaxe dressed in black.

 

"And 'ow may we be of service, M'sieurs?"

 

"Well" said Dave, "Would yer have a good looking red-head about the place Missus?"

 

"Mais certainement M'sieur! Up ze stairs, first room on ze right."

 

After half an hour Dave returned, a smile of near beatific lechery on his lips. "Gawdalfuckinmighty that's the best root I've ever had! How much do I owe you?"

 

"Au contraire M'sieur, it is we who owe you! Here is 5,000 Francs for your trouble."

 

Now Dad, who'd been watching this transaction, was absolutely dumbstruck. It was completely the reverse of the procedure followed in any brothel he'd ever been in, and the old sinner had seen the inside of quite a few. But he still managed to stammer out his requirements to the Madam, and was soon seen going upstairs in the very agreeable company of a scantily clad leggy blonde.

 

An half-hour passed, then an hour. After an hour and a half, the Madam was about to go upstairs herself when the old gent staggered downstairs, looking just like a shagged-out ram.

 

"Merde alors M'sieur! What a performance ... and from one of your years! I zought you must 'ave had ze 'eart attack! Here is 50,000 Francs!"

 

The old fellow was quite taken aback. "Fifty thousand? I mean ... it's not that I'm not grateful, but I was wonderin' why Dave - that's me son only got 5,000?"

 

"Ah mon pauv' M'sieur, I see you have not quite ze understanding. Your son, you see, he only made it onto 'ow you say, ze local news. You, on ze other hand, are now ze new star of ze European porno network!"

Casey

[♦ nivek ♦]

Gambling

 

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

 

The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

 

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.

 

"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

 

The father asked her what had happened.

 

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

 

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Father sees his 5 year old son packing his bags. Son says "i am running away with the girl next door so we can live together" Father humors his son saying "but how will you support her if she has a baby?" Son says, "bite your tongue, we've been lucky so far!"

[♦ nivek ♦]

"What I had in mind mentioning was an incident that took place recently when I was returning from Chicago by train. And I got on the train and as is usual, I quickly found my car and seat and started to settle in for the journey. And I noticed that the woman across from me in the aisle had her baby with her. I took a peak at her baby hoping to smile and make small conversation. However, the sight stopped me. That was an ugly bably. Did I say ugly baby? Bad looking baby. I tried not to look.

 

Soon, though at the other end of the coach comes this guy and he was very drunk and he was staring at the baby. And the woman heard him when he said to her under his breath, "Damn" as he continued to stare at this baby in disbelief.

 

She turned to him and said, "sir, are you alright?"

 

And the guy said, "I'm looking at that ugly baby. That's a horrible looking baby lady. Where'd you get that baby from?"

 

And the woman said, "I don't have to take that!" And she snatched the emergency cord and the train came to a screeching halt, and the conductor came running in, now this was his moment, at this moment he represented the Pennsylvania Railroad. And he said, "what's going on here?" And the woman said, "this man just insulted me. I don't have to spend my money and ride this railroad and be insulted. I'd rather walk."

 

And the conductor said, "calm down! Calm down! Madame there's nothing, nothing that the Pennsylvania Railroad will not do to avoid having situations such as this. Perhaps it would be more to your convience if we were to rearrange your seating let you sit somewhere else in the coach. And as a small compensation from the railroad, if you will accompany me to the dining car we are going to give you a free meal!"

 

And glancing down at her infant the conductor continued: "...and perhaps we'll find a banana for your monkey."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?" "Female, please." "Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man

and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

 

"Well," explained the assistant, "the Muslim one blows itself up!"

[cyberdiva113]

Trial of Little Old Lady

 

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

 

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

 

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

 

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

 

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

 

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

 

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

 

Defense Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

 

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

 

Defense Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

 

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

 

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard!

 

HAHAHA

[Brutal Brian]

What's a Dirt Devil vac and Viagra have in common?

 

They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

[Purple Rhino]

What do you call white flakes in a blond girls panties?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clitty Litter

 

 

 

PR

[Purple Rhino]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

 

Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"

 

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

 

Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

 

 

 

PR

[♦ nivek ♦]

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.....

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon

a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them

to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the

largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head,

kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the

ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[SilentLoner]

What goes clip-clop-clip-clop, bang bang bang, clip-clop-clip-clop?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

An Amish drive-by-shooting.

[Max]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslectic insomniac?

 

 

He used to lie away at night and wonder if there really was a dog.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Nursing home Viagra

 

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather in the nursing home. He asks the elderly gentleman how he has been sleeping at night.

 

The grandfather replies that they give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet every night before he goes to bed and he sleeps like a baby.

 

The grandson is curious about the Viagra so he finds his grandfather's nurse to ask why.

 

The nurse replies that the hot chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra tablet keeps him from rolling out of bed.

[Guest PermaGrin]

First Post!

 

What was the last thing jesus said to the Mexicans?

 

"Don't do anything until I get back!"

 

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

 

Not being retarded.

[♦ nivek ♦]

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in North Carolina recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

 

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must

understand these here are my pet fish."

 

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

 

"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I takes them home."

 

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

 

The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

 

"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"

 

The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

 

"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.

 

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

 

The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"

 

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

 

"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.

[♦ nivek ♦]

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

 

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

 

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

 

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

 

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.

George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"

 

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

 

George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

 

"What if she’s lying on her back?"

 

George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"!

[chefranden]

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

 

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

 

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that

Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

 

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

 

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a

real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

 

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

 

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

 

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million

Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

 

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why

kill a blonde with big tits?"

 

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you

no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims"

[Casey]

(True story so far as I know)

 

One of the old-time American Mafia bosses Vinnie Teresa (before he ratted out his former colleagues) was a mug punter, a real degenerate gambler that is.

 

He said in his autobiography that once, when he and a friend went to a Down East American race track right in the middle of the Eisenhower Fifties, his friend was immediately ejected from the premises as a known criminal.

 

Big Vinnie turned on the security guard, "Why'd you bastards do that? Criminal record? Jesus Christ, y'oughta see mine, you'd want your sunglasses on and a strong stomach just to read it! I wish you would bar me, d'you think I enjoy comin' here and blowing $100,000 every weekend?"

 

The security guard replied, "Ah but Vinnie, we know you're at least good for your losses. That pal of yours hasn't got two cents to rub together now has he? Tell you what though, the day we hear you're broke, you'll be barred the day after!"

Casey

[Checkmate]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says...What is this, a joke?

[♦ nivek ♦]

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices

that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised

her hand and smiled "hello" to him.

 

He is rather takenaback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

although familiar he can't place where he might know

her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

 

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be

the father of one of my children......"

 

"His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has

been unfaithful....

 

"Holy crap," he says, "are you that

stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the

pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend

whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a

cucumber up my behind?"

 

 

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher.........."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream.

"What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts. Again she hears another ear-shattering scream.

"Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo." Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell." He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!" The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

[Vulgaris Prime]

In the spirit of lame jokery, I present to you the eternally lame joke type:

Lightbulb jokes.

 

How many otaku does it take to change a lightbulb?

"The Japanese lightbulb was better!"

 

How many gamers does it take?

"Why just one when you can have infinite lightbulbs? UP-UP-DOWN-DOWN-LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT-RIGHT-B-A-START"

 

How many Transformers fans?

Just one, if he stops complaining about the bulb's lack of articulation.

 

How many multi-level marketers?

"Why change just one lightbulb, when you could be changing THOUSANDS every day?!"

 

How many of me?

"Hang on, lemme finish reading the manual."

 

And now for something completely different:

 

Did I tell you about my friend, the insomniac dyslexic agnostic?

He stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

 

And my other friend, the paranoid dyslexic?

He always thinks he's following someone.

 

My apologies to any dyslexics, but that's why these jokes are lame.

[Vulgaris Prime]

And another one, this time less... stupid.

 

An old miser is on his deathbed, surrounded by his children. He tells his oldest son, "Boy, I want you kids to take all my money and put it in a big trunk in the attic. When I die and my spirit goes to Heaven, I can grab the trunk and take my money with me." The children fulfill his last request, taking all the money to the very top of the house.

 

The miser dies that day.

 

The next day, the oldest son and daughter go up to the attic to fetch something, and lo and behold, the trunk is still there, crammed full of money.

 

The daughter turns to her brother and says, "I knew we should have put it in the basement."

[Cynetix]

Sorry if this is already posted somewhere. I didn't see it...

 

Jesus is hanging upon the cross during his crucifixion and he calls to Peter. Peter tries to approach and the Roman guards prevent him violently, beating on him with the hilt of their swords and shields. Severely beaten and bruised, Peter stops struggling and backs away.

 

Jesus calls to him again, "Peter, come quickly!"

 

Peter cries, "I'm coming Lord!" He throws himself at the guards once again. This time, the guards beat him with a whip, tearing his flesh. In the middle of the struggle, one guard hits him with the handle of a spear, breaking Peter's arm. Bloodied and in pain, Peter retreats.

 

Again Jesus calls to Peter, "Peter, please come quickly!" Peter yells, "Coming Lord!" Mustering up all the strength he has, he throws himself at the guards again, putting up a vicious struggle but not retaliating against the guards. Finally they decide he's had enough and consent to let him pass.

 

So Peter, severely beaten, whipped, bloody and with a broken arm, stumbles and makes his way to the foot of Jesus. He wearily kneels and says "I am here Lord. What is it that you require of your humble servant?"

 

Jesus says, "Peter, I can see your house from here!"