Lame Jokes

[♦ nivek ♦]

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all

been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd

walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So

when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat

out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly

drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

 

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my

21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his

father, and his father before him?"

 

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your

father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were

born in July.

[♦ nivek ♦]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in English,in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.

 

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a very odd, perhaps coded message:370HSSV-0773H

 

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides

had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one there could solve

it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning,

they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

 

MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the

message upside down."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Freds' Note

 

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

 

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

 

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

 

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

 

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

[Mr. Neil]

Here are a couple lame jokes from my blog.

 

Did you hear about the Siamese Twins at the World Series? They hit back-to-back home runs!

 

What's more impressive than a man who play piano by ear? A man who fiddles with his whiskers!

[♦ nivek ♦]

Towards the end of his sermon to his congregation, a minister asks “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

 

Roughly half the audience raises their hands.

 

So he asks again, in a louder and more forceful voice, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”.

 

With the exception of one little old lady, the entire congregation raises their hands.

 

The minister asks: “Mrs. Jones, how is it that you have not forgiven your enemies?”

 

A nice sweet little 98 year old lady stands up and says, with the biggest smile you could imagine, “I don’t HAVE any enemies.”

 

The minister, impressed, asks her to come to the front of the congregation, and tell everyone how it is that she has no enemies.

 

She slowly makes her way to the front of the pulpit, takes the microphone from the minister, and says “I OUTLIVED those BITCHES!”

[♦ nivek ♦]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.

This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

 

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy

by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

*

 

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

 

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

 

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

 

"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"

 

*

 

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Eddy to the principal's office. While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:what is 3 x 3?"

Eddy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Eddy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Eddy: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Eddy: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

 

*

 

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.

 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.

 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

 

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

 

*

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

 

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 

"Just water," says the priest.

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

*

 

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

 

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the

Irishman started to leave.

 

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

 

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[Isak The Newt]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little

girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

 

"Nice bike", said the cop, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.

 

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

 

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

 

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Blonde Counselor

 

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

 

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

 

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

 

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."

[♦ nivek ♦]

The Nun

 

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

 

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Grandpa's Viagra

 

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.

 

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

 

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."

 

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"

 

His son replied, "$10 each."

 

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

 

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

 

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

[♦ nivek ♦]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd jus been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

 

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

 

"That little O'Conner?," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

 

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?

 

"That I did," said Paddy... " Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Poonis]

Q. What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

 

 

A. Full.

 

HAHAH4H4H4H#@*&%!*#@&%!%$0.02!

[DucorpsToo]

Q: What's the difference between praying in a church, and praying in a casino?

A: When you pray in a casino, you really mean i t!

[♦ nivek ♦]

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit.

However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."

[♦ nivek ♦]

A grad student was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his fellow first year medical students.

 

Because of all the talking and cutting up in the classroom the grad student realized he'd have to lighten the mood slightly.

 

Knowing how earthy his fellow students could be, he pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

 

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

 

"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?" So he walked into the shop and saw afairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could seet hat the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats,T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There was also afair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating thatthe name alone had brought many tourists into theshop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

 

The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place gota name like"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

 

The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody asks me that.It's the name of the owner."

 

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

 

"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me."

 

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get aname like Moishe Plotnik?"

 

"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, I was standing in line atthe documentation center. The man in front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, 'What is your name?'He said, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?'"

 

I said, 'Sam Ting.'"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

 

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

 

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

 

So the boyfriend races from the bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

 

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

 

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

 

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

 

Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

 

"Nope.........just when it's raining"

[Mr. Neil]

Saw this on Adult Swim. Thought it was pretty funny...

 

 

Q. How man surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

A. Fish!

[dr_funkenstein]

Quasimodo dies, so the Bishop of Notre Dame cathedral is looking for a replacement bell-ringer.

 

After a day of auditioning many hopeful candidates, he's left disappointed as none of them were quite able to match the beauty of the tone that Quasimodo was able to achieve.

 

At the end of the day, a young man with no arms approaches the Bishop and says "Pardon me, Bishop but I'd like to audition to be the bell-ringer."

 

"But my poor son," the bishop replies "how will you ring the bell?"

 

"Watch" the armless man replies, and with a quick run-up proceeds to strike the bell with his face. The bell intones a note of such beauty and majesty, that the bishop beams with joy, and asks the man to do it once more.

 

The man once again takes a run-up, but just as he's about to reach the bell, he trips and falls headlong out the window.

 

The bishop, mortified, runs down to discover a crowd - drawn by the dulcid tone of the bell - surrounding the poor armless man. They part to allow the bishop to approach. One person asks him:

 

"Bishop, did you know this man?"

 

The bishop replies:

 

"No, but his face sure rings a bell..."

 

Aaaaand another one:

 

Q. What's the worst part about learning to rollerblade?

A. Having to tell your parents that you're gay.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Surgery

 

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

 

But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

 

Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

 

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

 

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

 

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

 

"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the

stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard

that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your

fellow passenger."

 

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said

to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let

me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.

The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns

out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you

suppose that is?"

 

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

 

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[♦ nivek ♦]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

 

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too..

 

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===================================

A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He

 

stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a

 

finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the

 

man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet

 

meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous

 

dessert afterward. Then,after dinner, you are going to run me my bath so I

 

can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me

 

and comb my hair?'

 

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."

[Anakin]

A redhead goes to the doctor's office.

 

RH: Doctor help me! Everywhere on my body hurts badly. There's not a place

on me that doesn't hurt!

 

Dr: My goodness that's horrible. Show me what you mean.

 

The redhead touches herself on top of her head. Screams out in pain.

She touches herself on her arm. Screams out in pain.

She touches herself on her leg and big toe. Same thing. Screams in pain.

 

RH: See doctor. My whole body hurts.

 

Dr: You're not a true redhead are you?

 

RH: No. I'm naturally blond. Why?

 

Dr: Your finger is broken.